A word to Men (from women)

[jenna-is-here]

To all the wonderful Men on this site -

 

I wanted to take a minute to let you know something. Women NEVER FORGET ABOUT A MAN THAT TREATED US RIGHT.

 

Regardless of if the relationship comes to an end because we are short sighted or dont realize at the time what we have, the way you treated us creates the standard for everything we do from here on. I can speak for myself an my other female friends who have told me over and over how many times (even when they are in an existing relationship) we think of an ex and how they delt with the situation or how they treated us.

 

My bf and I just broke up after a 4+ year relationship. If my boyfriend before my ex was still available (he is not married), I would have gone back to him in a heartbeat. I thought grass was greener (GIGS) and dropped him at the time only to learn all these years later what a treasure he was.

 

Anyway, times change, circumstances change and I am not writing any of this to open the door to hope, rather I m just saying if you treated a women right, they will NEVER forget you. And it that, there is some peace .

 

Jenna

[FootofGod]

Thanks, this post lifted my mood a lot Our exes are people just like you and me (most of them. There's some sociopaths out there). People in general don't forget how people treated them.

[Earthling]

Thanks for the positive words

[In the Dark]

It is some sort of comfort but.....

 

It does not erase the scars which have already been dealt by the person who felt they could get better than what they already had when it was the most love anyone should have asked for.

[jenna-is-here]

If my boyfriend before my ex was still available (he is not married), I would have gone back to him in a heartbeat. I thought grass was greener (GIGS) and dropped him at the time only to learn all these years later what a treasure he was.

 

Correction above, I meant to type "he is 'now' married" (not 'he is not married')

[jenna-is-here]

In the Dark, I completely agree. I gave my recent ex EVERY OUNCE of LOVE I could. I dont know what else he wants but in the end, at least I can say, there was nothing else I could have done. I loved like Id never love again....and I dont regret doing that.

[Pinnacle]

Can I ask why you specifically broke up with the man who got away? I understand you had GIGS, but there had to be something the new guy offered that the pervious one didn't.

[mercurial100]

Thanks for this.

 

My ex left me due to GIGS...She had every ounce of me...I know I treated her well and I know I treated her better than any of her ex's treated her - she likes "bad boys" apparently...no idea why..I hope she learns.

 

One of my last sentances to her was "you might not love me, but you will never find anyone who will love you like I do"...I mean it, but we move on. Her loss.

[jenna-is-here]

The new guy was, well 'new' and incredibly 'good looking (I know shallow of me)' and his personality excited me. He was very charasmatic and charming (looking back, you can compare it to a good salesman) which now wigs me out.

 

I think when I was with the ex before the ex, I was not valuing and looking for all the qualities of someone I wanted to settle down with. He had all those qualities. Instead of looking at his stablity and predictibility as a good thing, I saw it as slightly boring.

 

I guess I just wasnt ready to settle down because I got side-tracked by the excitement and newness of the new person (my current ex).

 

Now that I am ready to settledown, I look back and can cleary see those men who had the qualities for that but time marched on and they are no longer available.

[jenna-is-here]

sorry, the above response was in response to Pinnacle's question of why I left the 1st guy

[sand dollar]

Hi Jenna,

 

Thanks for the post. I know what you say is true because in college I dated a girl and we had a great time. Then she started making excuses not to be together and I took the hint and moved on. About a year later she called me up and asked me out. Unfortunately I was not available then. Whenever I saw her on campus she always looked sad and said ,"hi".I guess she never forgot. So I know your right!

 

Thanks,

 

SD

[artistic1]

Thanks Jenna,

 

So refreshing to hear positivity once in a while!

 

Thanks!

[Cheetarah]

I absolutely agree!

 

When I split up with my ex J, I met this great guy a few months later. Stable, nurturing, hilarious, great personality, treated me with nothing but respect and tenderness. Of course, I was still grieving for my ex and one day some months into our dating relationship thing, I had to tell him, that while it was over in my head, it wasn't yet over in my heart. I told him that I had to break it up. I know I did the right thing, because my emotions were all in the wrong place, and it would have been totally unfair to continue on. I cried a lot, he held me even then. And then I went back to my ex shortly after...

 

I never forgot him, and that was 5 years ago. He was more than I deserved right then. I wish him the absolute best, because he totally deserves it. Unfortunately, we totally lost touch. We stayed in contact sporadically for maybe a year, but I could see he wanted the distance. He was, and I'm sure still is, a wonderful man. And I wish my heart and head weren't so clouded then, so I could have seen it.

[jenna-is-here]

Mintiya -

I am SO GLAD another woman chimed in here. I wonder if men think this way or is it all forgotten with them?

 

 

Jenna

[intolerable]

I agree with you Jenna! It's a good example why nice guys don't always finish last! Go nice guys!

[jellysandwich]

Let's see how much trouble I can cause here.

 

Nice guys:

 

Women will always remember you, but they won't want to be with you.

 

In the case they do want to be with you, it's after they have ditched you in order to hook up with other guys first. Then they wish you were still single and available so you can take them back when they fail with the new exciting guy.

 

Want peace? Get the peace yourself, from within yourself.

Want the girl? Don't be a nice guy.

[Clarity]

Let's see how much trouble I can cause here.

 

Nice guys:

 

Women will always remember you, but they won't want to be with you.

 

In the case they do want to be with you, it's after they have ditched you in order to hook up with other guys first. Then they wish you were still single and available so you can take them back when they fail with the new exciting guy.

 

Want peace? Get the peace yourself, from within yourself.

Want the girl? Don't be a nice guy.

 

If you replace "nice guy" with "doormat", I'll agree, but I will never stop being "nice" in terms of being kind and treating people with respect.

[Clarity]

Thanks for the post, Jenna, it was very nice and refreshing to read.

[Saudade]

I just hope it happens the other way around too....Men never forget the women who treated them good.

[In the Dark]

It only sugar coats the real problem.

 

Being ditched for someone else because of being stable.

 

Not enough, action, excitement and drama.

And we pay for that with broken hearts, reduced self worth without understanding where we really went wrong because we never did.

 

Yet we were burned for it.

 

We did not win in the end.

[DMK]

Yeah I don't think Jenna was ever here to say that nice guys don't get left for other other guys. They do. But I think she was saying that in many cases with the GIGS (grass is greener) that once the smoke clears, and the new exciting guy that they initially left their stable, nice guy for doesn't seem as exciting...That's the time that they look back to you IF YOU TREATED THEM WELL.

 

Obviously if the breakup was turbulent and you told her off, or even worse, if you treated her poorly when you were together, and didn't value her, she has less reason to ever look back.

 

In my case I think I let things just get a little stale and that, while not really awful, was a form of neglect to the relationship, so I'm not sure where I sit, but I do like jenna's attempt at some positivity for a change around here! Thanks for that Jenna.

[Gilroy]

Let's see how much trouble I can cause here.

 

Nice guys:

 

Women will always remember you, but they won't want to be with you.

 

In the case they do want to be with you, it's after they have ditched you in order to hook up with other guys first. Then they wish you were still single and available so you can take them back when they fail with the new exciting guy.

 

Want peace? Get the peace yourself, from within yourself.

Want the girl? Don't be a nice guy.

 

I totally agree with this.

 

Even if the women chose to remember them the men that treated them well were dropped and are already hurt.

[notsure2007]

Let's see how much trouble I can cause here.

 

Nice guys:

 

Women will always remember you, but they won't want to be with you.

 

In the case they do want to be with you, it's after they have ditched you in order to hook up with other guys first. Then they wish you were still single and available so you can take them back when they fail with the new exciting guy.

 

Want peace? Get the peace yourself, from within yourself.

Want the girl? Don't be a nice guy.

 

This reminds of a rather bitter, poignant post on Craigslist which represents how much pain and suffer a guy may suffer when he's been passed over because he's not exciting enough for the girl at that time in her life.

 

link removed

 

"What Happened to All the Nice Guys?"

 

Date: 2007-11-19, 3:52AM PST

 

I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I'd take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven't figured it out.

 

What happened to all the nice guys?

 

The answer is simple: you did.

 

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were f*cking treated you.

 

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

 

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"

 

Well, once again, you did.

 

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an as*h*le than he ever wanted to be.

 

Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

 

So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

 

1.) Build a time machine.

2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.

3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

 

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

 

If you were five years younger.

 

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've f*cked yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the bullsh*t and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't f*cking want you, now.

 

Sincerely,

 

A Recovering Nice Guy

[stu1973]

Notsure,

 

A bit harsh, but I think the overall gist is very true! It could explain why there are so many A-holes out there, maybe a lot of decent guys have said "enough is enough" having been let down for a jerk too many times, and decided to adopt some jerk like tendencies. I agree with the "don't be a doormat" mentality, but being honest here, how many females on ENA are pining after good guys? I can't recall any threads in the getting back together section where girls are hurting bad over good guys, it seems to be alcoholics, or cheaters, or just plain idiots that have brought you here!

 

Discuss!

[mercurial100]

This is the best thread I have read in a long while. Just getting ready to head to a long day at work and it's started my day off well!

 

Thanks for everyones input.