A word to Men (from women)

[DazB]

I feel this way towards my ex. Even though she dumped me claiming she lost feelings for me and 'fancied' a new guy I still think she was an amzing girlfriend. Unfortunately life doesn't get played out perfectly, people make mistakes, do things wrong, and just don't know how to handle a situations and the event that unfolds seems unfair and nasty. I have my problems, she lost that feeling and wanted to move on but that doesn't make her a bad person - she was lovely and I will never forget her.

 

I just hope that she will remember me. I just hope that I meant something to her more than 'a guy with issues'. I gave her everything I had to give at the time and did my best until the very end. Even through the break up I treated her with decency and respect. I had my wobbly moments but I am entitled to that.

 

I did get to experience love. It lasted a week (maybe a little more). It was at the end of our relationship before I knew there were any problems. I realised all the things that I truly valued about a person and a relationship and realised what was staring back at me was my ex. She was everything I was looking for and it took me 2.5 years to realise that and then bam! overnight it is lost.

 

I may never get a second chance at love. I just have to accept this fact.

 

Today I realised that what is hurting me isn't her but my minds struggle to accept that something it wants, that it lusts over so so much doesn't want it back. I want my ex but she doesn't want me. Everything else that goes on inside my mind is my minds way of trying to bend and twist and distort that plain simple fact.

[johnnyp]

First off, thanks Jenna for your post. I love your honesty, positivity and what is clearly a very kind heart.

 

Secondly, to all the guys here that are angrily and bitterly sniping at women that left the self-titled "nice" and "good" guys, not to be too harsh to you but I think that maybe your responses here show the reality that you're possibly not actually as nice, kind and good as you might think. We all hurt when we get dumped and many of us go through a bitter and angry phase, but once all is said and done, our exes loved us once and they made the tough decision to leave because they truly felt that it was the right thing to do. Truly good and kind men and women would grieve, heal and then wish their ex all the happiness they wish for themselves since we can't change the past but we can shape our future.

 

If you show such bitterness and anger at Jenna just because she feels that she made a mistake in her life and now has the experience, clarity and courage to admit it years later, then perhaps you were actually equally bitter and angry in your relationship whether you realised it at the time or not. Sometimes the seemingly nicest guys in the world are actually the most insecure, controlling and angry of them all.

 

Always try to let the pain of the past be the past, otherwise it will continue to be your future.

 

Thanks again Jenna.

[elle83]

Can I have your number? Thank you... a mature guy. I got dumped because the "I don't feel it anymore" bs. I'm tired of boys. I want a real man.

 

Biologically, it's hormones and chemicals in your brain that let's you ride those waves. It lasts for 1-2 years at most. Then, it's up to you to switch to a more "companionate" love, or jet. Most jet because they don't know any better.

[brandnewday47]

Biologically, it's hormones and chemicals in your brain that let's you ride those waves. It lasts for 1-2 years at most. Then, it's up to you to switch to a more "companionate" love, or jet. Most jet because they don't know any better.

 

Exactly. Great relationships find their way through this timeframe to a totally accepting and open relationship. The end of this initial stage ALWAYS happens. She used to tell me that she hoped the honeymoon stage never ended... and me being naive I was expecting it to be that way but alas, not the case. Maybe one day she will understand this, hopefully she will for her sake whether I am anywhere close to her when it happens or not.

 

I wish it didn't take this breakup for me to figure this stuff out :splat:

[Cheetarah]

I really like this post. And I'm still behind you, Jenna. We made some wrong choices, but I would much rather know what I lost than to have never recognized it. I got the opportunity to grow and mature, and recognize good for good. It comforts me to know there are kind, gentle and loving people in this world when sometimes, everything seems so unbearably ugly that you lose faith. I like knowing he's out there. I hope he met the right woman who will recognize him for the gem that he is - And treats him with the respect and kindness he puts out into the world.

 

For the relationships that don't work and the pain you go through, is only a pathway to figuring out what you want and don't, what you'll tolerate and won't, and what sustaining, committed love means. I don't think any of us come out of the womb knowing the definition of that.

[dancergirl12]

Reminds me of an advice column article I saw once several years ago, something like Dear Abby. Anyways, a woman wrote in expressing her deep remorse of dumping her boyfriend in college about 15 years earlier. The boyfriend was kind hearted, treated her like a princess,a real gem,etc., but not the best looking guy. A new guy, who was on the school's football team and all the girls liked him, started to hit on her and she was flattered but didn't want to break up with her boyfriend. Thing is her friends wanted her to go out with the football stud becasue they thought he was better looking and helped convince her strongly to dump her boyfriend and go out with the new guy. Needless to say, the boyfriend was heart broken.

 

Long story short, they eventually married and it was a nightmare to her. He cheated multiple times and she continuously tried to save it until the guy got an STD(i believe herpes) from one of his affairs and passed it on to her. Her letter was basically a heart felt apology to the first boyfriend hoping that he would forgive her and she said things like she should've never listened to her friends(who weren't friends anymore),etc., while now she is living a miserable life while the first boyfriend was married with kids living in a beautiful home and neighborhood. It was a pretty sad letter.

[cingularity83]

You know I'm not gonna come in proclaiming to be a nice guy or not asd often is the case those who have to say they are this or they are that are nothing like this or that at all. If you are a nice guy you don't have to go around saying it, people in your lives will see this through your actions and how you treat them.

 

As for me when I found out that my ex from 5 years ago was going to be leaving and moving accross the country, after we had finished crying I simply just looked her in her eyes and told her hey listen just promise me that who ever you end up with in the future will always treat you like a princess and kissed her and left it at that. Haven't seen her in 5 years since she left and last time we had any kind of contact is almost 2 years ago. So whether she still thinks of me or not I don't no nor do I care to know at this point just as long as she's happy out there then I'm happy for her

 

Also there's not just 1 nice guy out there, so who's to say that an ex that left a "nice" guy doesn't find another nice guy again. Sure "nice" people and I mean genuinely nice people are far and few between and we only truly get 1 or 2 per life time you just have to realize what you have before it's too late so to speak. It's been said plenty of times but it's human nature to have to experience bad thinsg before they look back into the past. I can't even beging to tell you how many times I encounter older people than I am that always say if only I had known then what I know now, if only I had someone then to tell me what I'm telling you now.....

 

The truth is people are quick to forget sometimes. They probably did have someone telling them those things but they chose to not listen....

 

So I say all that to say this... If you really believe you are with someone that is truly genuinely nice then don't let yourself become the "if only I knew" crowd.

[FaceBlaster]

Ascending..IMHO passion means different things to different people..to me it means being connected to the one you're with..an attachment that says 'this person has my backing no matter what happens'..I don't mean building your world around them..that's 'crazy'..they need room to breathe..it's that you can do things as individuals yet also crave to be with each other..not just in a sexual way but more of an emotional way...I think it comes to people at different stages in life though.

[elle83]

Ascending..IMHO passion means different things to different people..to me it means being connected to the one you're with..an attachment that says 'this person has my backing no matter what happens'..I don't mean building your world around them..that's 'crazy'..they need room to breathe..it's that you can do things as individuals yet also crave to be with each other..not just in a sexual way but more of an emotional way...I think it comes to people at different stages in life though.

 

i agree.. it's the type of bond that relationships try to build up. when the butterflies are gone, that is when you try to strengthen the bond and emotional intimacy... where passion is continued. real love is a choice - it takes effort and commitment.

 

sadly, a lot of people are not in tune with themselves and can't let anyone else be intimate with them either.

[Exchange]

real love is a choice - it takes effort and commitment.

 

Disagree on this one. Reason being is that love isn't something you choose, it comes completley out of your control.

 

You can be committed to that person and take effort in the relationship, but it doesn't have to involve love. To me love and relationships are two different entities, and when both work hand and hand its a beautiful thing.

[elle83]

Disagree on this one. Reason being is that love isn't something you choose, it comes completley out of your control.

 

You can be committed to that person and take effort in the relationship, but it doesn't have to involve love. To me love and relationships are two different entities, and when both work hand and hand its a beautiful thing.

 

IMO attraction and chemistry is something you can't control.

 

but to me, love is an act rather than a feeling. you put someone first, you care for their happiness before your's... etc... all loving acts that require effort and commitment.

[Exchange]

IMO attraction and chemistry is something you can't control.

 

but to me, love is an act rather than a feeling. you put someone first, you care for their happiness before your's... etc... all loving acts that require effort and commitment.

 

Love cannot be a feeling? I still feel that you cannot control "falling in love" with someone persay, it kind of hits you when you don't expect it. You can't plan it, it just happens. I mean you can make the choice in your mind that you can love this person, but its only in your heart where its unknowing when that happens

 

I believe your last loving acts do involve love, but perhaps there are many facets of love?

[FaceBlaster]

Elle..I agree on the chemistry/attraction angle...IMO it falls under infactuation..people if they are attracted to someone become infactuated with that person whether they are with them or think they want them..that's where people get confused with love...a baby you CAN love at birth since it was part of you though eventually you will love it..a person you meet IMO you just don't 'fall in love'..you get infactuated which can then lead to love..of course all the above apply to reasonably sane individuals.](*,)

[artistic1]

IMO attraction and chemistry is something you can't control.

 

but to me, love is an act rather than a feeling. you put someone first, you care for their happiness before your's... etc... all loving acts that require effort and commitment.

 

Wow, this sums up exactly what we should all follow to be successful in relationships....

[SDB]

I think the tragedy of "love" in this day in age is that it's exactly that...love in quotation marks. I think the idea of a faithful, unconditional, beyond-the-initial-infatuation, kind of love has lost its true value. One of the greatest quotes that I've read goes like this: The greatest desire of a man(woman) is to be known and loved anyway. I particularly like this quote because it's a matter of unveiling yourself, the best, and, the insecurities, and having your significant other, love...truly love...you. There isn't a string of conditions to say "If you do this for me, then I will love you"...you are just loved for being who you are (now this is within the confines that you do not abuse, cheat, etc, on your partner). I desire so much to feel this kind of love from someone else. Let's face it, as much as we must be happy with ourselves, we do yearn for validation from others, especially our exes, to say that we mean(t) something.

 

I loved my exgirlfriend so much...I know it was real because despite her flaws/insecurities, she was beautiful to me (not just physically). We talked about marriage and the thought of spending our whole life together made me feel alive (At the time I was engagement ring shopping). Sadly, I think since our relationship was a year and a half long distance, things got stagnant, and she said she lost the feeling of love, and I believe a new interest entered her life soon after she decided to end things. I know I treated her well, and I do feel like I was taken for granted. That's not to say that I don't make a handful of mistakes, and have a myriad of personal flaws, because I'm just as human as the person who passes me on the street.

 

Just wanted to say thanks Jenna for your post.

[FootofGod]

Yep, we are manufacturers and sellers of ideas nowadays, and one of the biggest fantasies we push is a never-ending infatuation. Just like an everlasting gobstopper or a never-ending beer - it's just fantasy and wishful thinking. The only problems is nobody seems to know the difference when it comes to tis.

[jellysandwich]

There is no anger or bitterness here, but rather a different perspective. From what I can understand, jenna is trying to convey the following message.

 

For the nice people here, the genuine people, the people who treated their ex's right: you should be at peace in knowing that sometime in the future, your ex will look back and think fondly of you. Your ex will remember how great of a person you were, and you should take comfort in knowing that your ex will never forget you.

 

I disagree with this message. I do not think you should be at peace or take comfort in knowing that your ex thinks highly of you (now or down the road). Why you would validate yourself based on how someone else thinks of you?. Especially when that someone else decided to remove you from his or her life.

 

You should be at peace with yourself, for sure. But that should come from within yourself. You are who you are, and you should be happy with yourself. Not because this other person (who is out of your life might I remind you) thinks fondly of you.

 

I understand, though, that most people do not share the same train of thought as me. That's ok. If you enjoyed this thread, and if you felt better after reading it, then great. I just wanted to offer another perspective.

 

Another thing to think about ... If your ex left you for someone else, then you were most likely (on some level) too nice. Too nice, too comfortable, too boring, too easy - not interesting or challenging enough for him/her to stick around. Or maybe you were too much of a jerk, but that's another story that doesn't relate to this thread.

[FootofGod]

Eh, I think you should take pride in a job well done, and knowing that there is some lingering symbol that you did it, which in this case is knowing your ex will look back fondly. It's not that dependent on another's acceptance, it's just like a bonus for a job well done.

 

I know I did great in my relationship, gave all I could, and I know she appreciated it, even if she thinks right now that's not what she needed. It was my first real at-bat and I knocked it out of the ballpark.

 

It helps me love myself to look back objectively and say "I love myself and the job I did, even if it wasn't absolutely perfect." I do, and I did do a great job, and I'll do a great job again next time. I'll never pull the "well, I'll just be more of a jerk if it will get me women." I don't want those kinds of women. I'd rather have nobody but myself at that point, because at least I'd have one person who is willing to be themselves and love at that point, and that's better than any two people who won't or don't know how.

[jenna-is-here]

I am reposting this (above) in response to that...the message was meant for the so many men that questioned how their ex's could all move on so fast and forget about them and everthing they've done. I was just letting them know, we do not forget.

 

I agree, the validation comes from within (see above post)

[Wicker_Parked]

i have tried to keep of this site for a while now as everytime i see other peoples experiences it reminds me of my Ex, but this thread was very inspiring. My ex is currently with someone, we tried to get back together for almost a year, even though we went out for about 5 months. I met my ex when i was 19 and she was 14, we were friends for 7 years before we started going out. I looked after her for those 7 years like my best friend. But we fell in love, we went out, she was 22 and me 26. She became distracted, with 'other people' but i always looked after her and will continue to as i always said but time changes people and we drift apart. As much as she hurt me i hope one day we can reminice and talk about good old times, but right now the dust has not settled and my only thoughts are to disappear from her life, get as far away as possible, which is sad for we have never been no further than a phone call away in the past. I hope i do one day make her top 10 boyfriend list.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with all of the following.

 

I see all of my ex's as a learning experience. The ones that I still respect, are those that treated me well.

 

And nice guys are not the only ones who get burned, nice girls get burned too. In fact, anybody who gives the power of relationship to the other gets burned. ... More often than not, if you give someone the power to abuse you, they will.

 

Secondly, to all the guys here that are angrily and bitterly sniping at women that left the self-titled "nice" and "good" guys, not to be too harsh to you but I think that maybe your responses here show the reality that you're possibly not actually as nice, kind and good as you might think. We all hurt when we get dumped and many of us go through a bitter and angry phase, but once all is said and done, our exes loved us once and they made the tough decision to leave because they truly felt that it was the right thing to do. Truly good and kind men and women would grieve, heal and then wish their ex all the happiness they wish for themselves since we can't change the past but we can shape our future.

 

For the relationships that don't work and the pain you go through, is only a pathway to figuring out what you want and don't, what you'll tolerate and won't, and what sustaining, committed love means.

[Iakasot]

I don't really wanna be remembered for something I gave that I'd go back in time and I'd take back if I could...So no, this topic doesn't make me feel better.

[wlh22]

Jenna,

Thanks for sharing your thougts.

 

Like many other men out here (by the way, we could chane genders in my post and your post and EVERYTHING you/I say would still apply) I would say the following two things

 

1) You don't forget ANY person that treated you right (and for a considerable amount of time). Not only people you are in relationship with- but friends / teachers / grandparents / just anyone for tha matter

 

2) Like most other people said, unfortuntately, a girl/woman thinking like this doesn't erase the scars from a man's thoughts

 

 

But I appreciate you opennig up and sharing your feelings.