A word to Men (from women)

[thedude27]

Thanks for that jenna, its something I knew but its good to hear it every once and a while to validate it.

 

2 months in I would have said no way, but yea they do remember, mine still calls around once a month. Its been around 1.5 years, not sure I fit " nice guy" category I have too much self confidence for that, but I treated her well and she knows that.

[stu1973]

Can I ask why you specifically broke up with the man who got away? I understand you had GIGS, but there had to be something the new guy offered that the pervious one didn't.

 

If he was pervious, maybe that's why she dumped him?

 

Sorry, couldn't resist it!

[jbr666]

Two words spring to mind, nail and head. You hit that one square on, my friend.

[Exchange]

Amen to that notsure post.

[jbr666]

It's sad that when we are young that we don't realise what we really want or what drives us to make the decisions we make. For most of us it takes a lot of pain and self examination to understand the things within that influence these choices.

[sand dollar]

Hi Gang,

 

Nice or not nice, we should be ourselves. I'd rather fail as me than succeed in a game. At least I have me and my integrity. I don't want anyone more than that and if someone wants me to abandon that , they can walk.

I think we're all taking this much too seriously. Romantic love seems to my like an invention by hollywood. It's all just a mating game for the most part. Sorry to be so cynical, I know I might be wrong. But, it's not the end of the world if someone doesn't like us..I've heard it said,"There are more tears shed over answered prayers than unaswered ones". If we got what we wanted we may not be as happy as we thought. Be happy anyway! Learn to love yourself and everything will take care of itself. The world is a vast and wonderful palce. Make your life an adventure. All these things fade. Romance,dating etc. It all fades into the cosmic night! Don't set your heart on things that don't last. Enjoy it while it lasts,but it's all going to go by so quickly,good or bad. Just learn to smile and take what comes and you'll have a good life. That's my plan! If we really looked at our lives we would all be grateful for what we have!

 

Best to you all,,

 

SD

[jellysandwich]

Yeah I don't think Jenna was ever here to say that nice guys don't get left for other other guys. They do. But I think she was saying that in many cases with the GIGS (grass is greener) that once the smoke clears, and the new exciting guy that they initially left their stable, nice guy for doesn't seem as exciting...That's the time that they look back to you IF YOU TREATED THEM WELL.

 

I don't think you understood my point. They look back to you? So what? They think highly of you now? WHO CARES?

 

Would you care if they thought badly of you? Nope.

 

The fact of the matter is, they left you. Period. You should not even care that they so much as think of you; they are out of your life.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I like the message here, I recently had this thought. I'm not going to be afraid of betrayal in my current relationship, I am just going to really treat a good guy well. It is rare to find someone who is willing to be good to you. Recognize it and reciprocate. You'll never regret that.

[Live-N-Learn]

Yeah, I think we only care what they think of us if we are still not over them. Truth be told in tiime I will not care either way. I know I made some mistakes but I also know I did my best to fix them and show her how much she meant to me. In the end it did not matter she still did not come back.

 

So although she may think of me fondly from time to time it does not make up for all the pain and suffering she put me through post breakup. I know I am a good guy and if she does not appreciate that enough to be with me that is her choice. I do not need her to validate my worth.

[FaceBlaster]

It's not about love..you hear all the time (I love you but...)..it's not about sex (you can always get that)..it's all about the passion you feel for your partner long as you can keep the passion flame burning on both ends, then you will have fulfillment...once the passion is gone from just one of the partners..it's over..I'm wondering if one can feel or re-kindle the passion again for their partner after losing it I feel so guilty I can't pull that passion back to me for my wife

[jenna-is-here]

Wow. A lot of passionate responses here…

 

The reason I wrote started this thread was to address the men that were questioning how their ladies could just move on so quickly and forget everything from their past relationship. I merely wanted to let you know, we don’t forget, infact, we remember for a long, long time. That may be comforting to some, and not at all to others.

 

In no way do I indicate that you should look for validation from your ex for how you treated her (only you know that), or that you win or lose b/c she thinks of you fondly later. Nice guys do not finish last, hopefully they finish with a women that appreciates all their fine qualities at the right time.

 

If I had I got together with my ex before my ex who had all those incredible characteristics, it would not have worked out. I had to get to a place in my life where I appreciated those qualities and valued them more than other qualities. Blame it on timing or fate or what have you, it is what it is.

 

Also, that article from Craigslist is pretty harsh, I consider myself on the older side, and I do believe there are plenty of good guys still out there. I see them on this forum everyday. Just because the qualities I saw in someone when I was 29 are more valuable to me now that I am 39 doesn’t make me a bad person, it just means I am at a different place in my life.

[FaceBlaster]

If only we knew then what we know now jenna..you seem to have learned well..I am still learning a lot about love/passion and desire in the relationship and how it is very important to keep it going without falling into the comfort trap..](*,)

[DeenasRhino]

Thanks for the post, it helped myself a lot just now.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I know where you're coming from. Thank you for the kind words.

 

And yes, men do this as well. I see all of my ex's as a learning experience. The ones that I still respect, are those that treated me well.

[Leveller]

I echo what's been said already; thank you Jenna.

 

I would just add, paraphrasing from the beautiful LA Story 'It might not be true, but it's what we wish were true'...I hope what you have said is nearer the truth and for most people I think it probably is.

 

And another line from LA Story when I'm at it...'We don't always know when love begins, but we always know when it ends'.

[the_dawn]

Hi guys,

 

Just because the qualities I saw in someone when I was 29 are more valuable to me now that I am 39 doesn’t make me a bad person, it just means I am at a different place in my life.

 

Isn't this simply because you are getting older and the fear of being alone or without someone who is caring and supportive slowly creeps inside your head? Please don't take this as offensive, I'm simply stating that women want to settle down at some point in their life and that's probably why they come back with their memories to the good times with good exs. GIGS is a classic example which from what I've read affects mostly younger people, probably thinking 'I don't want to settle down with someone who is a bit boring and predictive, I want passion, excitement and I know I can do better that this'.

 

the_dawn

[Zeitgeist]

Terrific post jenna. It really does make me feel much better about myself. I think one of the biggest things that nice guys get frustrated and down about is that the consideration and emotional investment that we put in is never noticed or forgotten forever. Nice to know that's not necessarily always true.

[FaceBlaster]

The only way this topic would suck to somebody is if they were an a-hole most of the relationship:splat:

[Sparkly Eyes]

It's not a gender thing, we all remember those who treated us well. And nice guys are not the only ones who get burned, nice girls get burned too. In fact, anybody who gives the power of relationship to the other gets burned. It just how it has always worked. More often than not, if you give someone the power to abuse you, they will.

[jaylh25]

An interesting and refreshing post..

 

My ex left for someone else 18 months ago after 6 years together... she emailed a few weeks back saying she didnt realise what she had and the life we had together and how she regrets everything.. oddly i didnt feel anything except some sort of validation that it did at least mean something to her...

[Ascending]

I think when I was with the ex before the ex, I was not valuing and looking for all the qualities of someone I wanted to settle down with. He had all those qualities. Instead of looking at his stablity and predictibility as a good thing, I saw it as slightly boring.

 

I guess I just wasnt ready to settle down because I got side-tracked by the excitement and newness of the new person (my current ex).

 

That sort of reminds me of me. The last thing I told my ex's sister was that I wanted to marry her, and my ex knew that too. I felt she was kinda getting bored of me already.

 

Though to be honest, I don't know if I was a good boyfriend. My friends told me I was crazy for some of the things I did, but I was just being myself and loving her all I can. At the same time though, I felt like I didn't do enough for her to make her stay with me and I messed up so many times too. My friends think I gave it 100%, but I could have given more, it felt like 90% to me. I did skip school for her, and quit my job to spend more time with her or try and find a job with her, I guess that's pretty out there already. I don't think she saw what I put in and I think I set the bar pretty low for other boyfriends.

 

I guess this doesn't really give me any closure as I have the inherent feeling that I was never good enough. I guess that's the depression talking, but I still feel like a major failure.

[Ascending]

It's not about love..you hear all the time (I love you but...)..it's not about sex (you can always get that)..it's all about the passion you feel for your partner long as you can keep the passion flame burning on both ends, then you will have fulfillment...once the passion is gone from just one of the partners..it's over..I'm wondering if one can feel or re-kindle the passion again for their partner after losing it I feel so guilty I can't pull that passion back to me for my wife

 

Can you tell me what "passion" is?

 

My ex broke up with me for this reason, "the passion is gone", and I still don't understand what that means exactly.

 

 

We didn't get physical often. Not only did we not have a place to do things, but she wasn't fond of PDA and I thought I was doing the right thing by not pressuring her into that kind of stuff or asking her for it. I was totally fine with going without sex for 6 months at a time, I loved her and that's all that mattered to me.

[hmmwhoknows]

No sex for 6 months? That's crazy. The only reason I would do that is if it was a LDR. Otherwise, I would never date someone who only wanted to have sex every 6 months.

[FootofGod]

Okay, I want to hit on a bunch of things here.

 

For all those "the passion is gone, it's over" people, you're fools. Probably young. Passion comes, and it always, always goes. Usually about 1 year, tops, if the relationship is good. But it can be rekindled, or the people can discover that what they have is more important than the equivalent of a natural drug. It's no different than cutting yourself to feel endorphines rush - you're going to get hurt, it's going to end, and if you want the rush, you're going to have to do it again.

 

To translate that to another point, yeah, people start to get older and want someone to be around - all those other qualities. What I don't understand is why do people let themselves be fools then? Why do they pretend like they're looking for love and a long-term relationship if they really just want to ride the ride, get the highs, and leave when it's over? I know some people have learned the hard way/have to learn the hard way, but damn! Know the difference as young as you can! There's no point in chasing a chemical and calling it your "search for love." It's not a search for love, it's a search for a lesson, and that lesson is, for most, that they never even knew what love was. They thought all the happy, pitter-patter starting out feelings were love, when really they were just getting fed chemicals that always come with a new relationship.

 

Just like a drug, it's never fully satisfying. Most people wake up when they're in their 30s and realize they don't want to play the game anymore. They don't want to pay the price to get that high, or maybe they even can't find the spark anymore anyway. Everyone should be searching for love - searching for something to fight for when the passion goes down and the heart goes a little cold. There's very, very, very few people who actually are luck enough to find both - a relationship that always feels like the first time and satisfies every other need. None of us are probably those people. So, we should all choose. Are we here for love, or just to play around, call it love, and ultimately hurt others and ourselves when we FINALLY have to admit that it's just been an endless chase this whole time?

[JusticeLaw9]

So beautifully written Jenna!