The "Enemy"

[hexaemeron]

Well hun, that's about 99% of the human population... So while I'm glad you have the strength and will to never feel jealous and unimportant in any aspect of your life, I'm positive all other inhabitants on this earth will feel these two emotions at one time or another. They are both natural human emotions, and the only people I've ever known to feel devoid of emotion are people with APD, sociopathy, psychopathy and depression... In my opinion, it's not normal to NOT feel these emotions at one time or another...

 

You forgot Asperger's, which is what I have.

[XxJustMexX]

It's just BS he didn't have time to say anything to me all day, but he had time to hang with his "Enemy" if you are my man why you put me on the back burner?? That's all I'm saying. But what do I do now?

 

I've learned after hanging around ENA for a while that there are loads of different types of people... Some people like constant affection, some people want more space than others... some like spending lots of time together and talking every day, some like spending less time together and don't need daily contact... It's up to you to find out what you can accept in someone, and if it's worth it for you.

 

Even though Hex and I are on two different pages in regards to what is considered clingy, neither one of us is wrong... we just both share different opinions.

 

While I talk to my guy a million times a day, waste phone minutes hearing each other breathe, and call each other just to say hi or I love you, others may find that to be irritating or unnecessary... but is it unnecessary to us? No. It's what WE feel comfortable in doing, therefore we do it. We don't care what others think. If we're clingy people, oh well. At least we're happy clingy people.

[DN]

I'm just saying is it wrong to think since a guy wants to be with you, he would want to talk to you?

Who says he doesn't want to talk to her? he just doesn't necessarily want to talk on demand or to a schedule.

[XxJustMexX]

You forgot Asperger's, which is what I have.

 

Actually, that was my first thought... lol. Was thinking of House when I was typing too... don't really have any clue why it wasn't typed in there. haha.

[savignon]

was that the last time you spoke (when you asked about why he hadn't talked to you all day)? When was that?

[XxJustMexX]

he just doesn't necessarily want to talk on demand or to a schedule.

 

Does this pertain to regular face to face conversation as well? If I were to ask someone a question, would it be decent of them to pretend they didn't hear me... turn away and ignore me for three hours, then return and answer at their convenience? That's how a lot of people feel about being ignored with texts and phone calls. It's not "on demand" or a schedule. It's common courtesy to return greetings, or questions with answers.

 

I don't think it's too much to ask for a return call or text.

[DN]

Does this pertain to regular face to face conversation as well? If I were to ask someone a question, would it be decent of them to pretend they didn't hear me... turn away and ignore me for three hours, then return and answer at their convenience? That's how a lot of people feel about being ignored with texts and phone calls. It's not "on demand" or a schedule. It's common courtesy to return greetings, or questions with answers.

 

I don't think it's too much to ask for a return call or text.

The analogy doesn't work. When you talk to someone face to face it is polite to make sure that they are ready to receive your message and are not engaged in something else. For instance, if they were talking to someone else or concentrating on something that they needed to get done. You can tell that just by looking. It is rude to interrupt under those circumstances.

 

But when using a phone you don't know what they are doing and if they are ready and/or able to listen and respond. You can't help but interrupt but you can help being offended that they don't respond when you want them to.

[testcase]

Does this pertain to regular face to face conversation as well? If I were to ask someone a question, would it be decent of them to pretend they didn't hear me... turn away and ignore me for three hours, then return and answer at their convenience? That's how a lot of people feel about being ignored with texts and phone calls. It's not "on demand" or a schedule. It's common courtesy to return greetings, or questions with answers.

 

I don't think it's too much to ask for a return call or text.

 

Perfect example. We are living in a cell phone age where everyone has their phone on them and access to them is constant. Don't like it don't get a cell phone. Back in the day you could call a home phone maybe the person wasn't there you could wait to call back or call back another day... saying you got home late. In this age if someone texts me they pretty much know I'm going to get it sometime soon. It is courteous to the person who hit me up to get back to them.

 

Again in my example I txt someone a while ago and they basically never got back to me. Called me a few days later. This is someone I'm dating. Look I'm not needy, I don't need to talk everyday. If I try to make plans though I'd like an answer back somewhat quickly instead of being left in limbo... even no is better than that.

 

Edited to ask DN a question: When then is it polite to be responded to? I mean should we expect that within a few days they couldn't find a minute to politely respond?

[DN]

A cell-phone is a tool - not a leash to which you have to respond when someone on the other end pulls on it.

[XxJustMexX]

The anology doesn't work. When you talk to someone face to face it is polite to make sure that they are ready to receive your message and are not engaged in something else. For instance, if they were talking to someone else or concentrating on something that they needed to get done. You can tell that just by looking. It is rude to interrupt under those circumstances.

 

But when using a phone you don't know what they are doing and if they are ready and/or able to listen and respond. You can't help but interrupt but you can help being offended that they don't respond when you want them to.

 

 

Understood... But receiving no answer ALL day...? Unless someone is working on dismantling a bomb, I'm sure they can find time to breathe and return a 5 second text.

 

I'm a busy woman. Believe me. Work full time, school full time, two children... Oh, and may I mention, a single mother... But I've never ignored a text or didn't return a phone call, no matter how unimportant I think it is. That's just me, I think it's common courtesy.

[testcase]

I think unfortunately though to a lot of the younger generations a cell phone is a leash.... and believe me I'm from a generation that doesn't send 300 txt messages a day. But everyone I know basically lives by their cell phones....

[DN]

Understood... But receiving no answer ALL day...? Unless someone is working on dismantling a bomb, I'm sure they can find time to breathe and return a 5 second text.

 

I'm a busy woman. Believe me. Work full time, school full time, two children... Oh, and may I mention, a single mother... But I've never ignored a text or didn't return a phone call, no matter how unimportant I think it is. That's just me, I think it's common courtesy.

 

OK - why the same day? What is it about the same day that gives that sort of imperative? Why is the next day or the day after not OK?

[XxJustMexX]

A cell-phone is a tool - not a leash to which you have to respond when someone on the other end pulls on it.

 

Why are you assuming that it's about POWER and CONTROL? A leash? Woah, we're talking about something as simple as courtesy... As the guy above you said, if someone's asking a question, say... trying to make plans, who wouldn't be pissed to be left hanging for three days...? Because it's convenient for the other person...? What about you? This whole thing has nothing to do with control, being put on a "leash" or whatever... It's simple... someone speaks to you... respond! I don't know how you can consider that controlling. It's simple courtesy.

[VtecQueen]

was that the last time you spoke (when you asked about why he hadn't talked to you all day)? When was that?

Last time we spoke was this morning. When I over reacted. The last thing I said was something about "I understand being busy. but I make time for you, you make time for your 'enemy' not me." He never said anything in response to that. Idk what to do now that I've blown things out of hand. And this dude lives by his phone too. He may be busy but he will respond when he wants to. He's never not answered my call either.

[DN]

Why are you assuming that it's about POWER and CONTROL? A leash? Woah, we're talking about something as simple as courtesy... As the guy above you said, if someone's asking a question, say... trying to make plans, who wouldn't be pissed to be left hanging for three days...? Because it's convenient for the other person...? What about you? This whole thing has nothing to do with control, being put on a "leash" or whatever... It's simple... someone speaks to you... respond! I don't know how you can consider that controlling. It's simple courtesy.

I don't believe it is courteous to have an expectation about whether someone always responds the same day or not because you are making a demand on someone without their consent.

 

It certainly does depend on the context and what the message is about - but, let's be realistic here, the vast majority of text-messages are not in any way urgent or about plans but are much more likely to be commonplaces.

[XxJustMexX]

OK - why the same day? What is it about the same day that gives that sort of imperative? Why is the next day or the day after not OK?

 

For friends and people that don't talk often, sure. That's ok... still a bit rude, but ok I guess. But for a bf/gf/wife/husband...? Not sure that'll fly. Not answering your SO when they're speaking to you is just plain inconsiderate IMO. Whether by face, email, phone, text... Who likes being ignored? I can find PLENTY of times in the day to tell someone I'm busy, or I'll get back to them later. I piss several times a day, hell, "I'm busy, call you later" isn't hard to text in the stall. But, for a lot of people, it's easier to put the phone back in their pocket and ignore the person...

 

You and I are looking at this from two different views... You're asking why, I'm asking why not... You wonder why the person can't wait a day for an answer... but I'm asking why the other person can't make time to give the answer... Both are legit questions... just two different perspectives.

[DN]

Because they haven't been together long enough - it's way too intense at this stage.

[VtecQueen]

Because they haven't been together long enough - it's way too intense at this stage.

Well now that I've over reacted and I know it...what do I do now!?!?!

[hexaemeron]

...but they've only been going out barely a month. We're not talking serious here.

[DN]

Well now that I've over reacted and I know it...what do I do now!?!?!

Back off and wait for him to contact you.

[savignon]

Seems like there's an entirely different conversation going on at this point. The bottom line is that you'd like a guy who responds to you relatively soon after you contact him and would prefer daily contact. If he doesn't have the same outlook on the whole "how often to text/call/see each other"/whatever, then you might have raised a red flag for him. I personally wouldn't like the sarcastic "obviously you have time for your enemy and not me" and that would turn me off. I obviously can't speak for him but if you want to do some damage control you could call or text and say something like, "sorry for my attitude earlier...I was just hoping we'd touch base today" and then leave it to him to tell you where he's coming from.

Best wishes

[pinkelephant]

I'm pretty late, but I have to say this. I get that they're not serious, but I find it odd that he won't return her texts for days. I understand if he forgets to once or twice or answer the text the next day, but not ignore it altogether. Whenever someone does that to me or I to someone else, it means I don't take them seriously and that's my way of telling them to get lost.

 

 

I don't have my cell attached at the hips either. People always yell at me for not picking up my phone since I always forget it somewhere, but I return texts. It's only polite. NOT TO MENTION, it takes 2 sec to answer a text. He sounds like he carries his phone with him all the time -- like most people do, so he could easily sneak one when he's waiting in line or whatever.

 

 

I should add, I also think her calling/texts were demanding and too much, but not *wrong*.

[XxJustMexX]

I don't believe it is courteous to have an expectation about whether someone always responds the same day or not because you are making a demand on someone without their consent.

 

I think we're swerving waaay away from the OP here... Originally, it was about the OP's boyfriend not answering her calls/text because he was busy, but come to find out, he was with another girl, someone who was thought to be disliked by either the OP or her bf... (Not sure if that was ever answered...) Ok, this right here is a whooole 'nother "can people have friends of the opposite sex when they're in a relationship..." post but that's off topic... lol.

 

That brings me to say that if he is too busy to call or text her, how is he not too busy to hang out with someone that apparently the OP or the bf has a problem with? I mean, we're not talking about just "anybody" in this post... apparently the person he was hanging around with is an issue... am I right OP?

 

You can't tell me DN that if you didn't hear from your girlfriend/wife all day because she said she was busy, that you'd have no inkling of a problem with it if you discovered she was hanging out with another man all day...? Especially one of an iffy nature...?

[DN]

VtecQueen, are you dating exclusively - have you had that exclusive talk yet?

[XxJustMexX]

Oh, and Hex and DN, ya, I got you guys... I guess I wasn't thinking about how short of a time they've been together and how not serious it is... I dunno... like someone said above, people have different expectations on communication in relationships... You gotta find the one that matches up with you...