Can an Atheist and a Theist...

[Boughs]

... have a successful relationship? Longterm? Or will it always come down to a set of standard beliefs that will always permeate every difficult decision and then proceed to tear apart anything and everything it goes through?

[BellaDonna]

They can have a successful relationship as long as they are respectful of one another's beliefs. When one tries to change the other's mind will be when the problems begin.

[civilservant]

I have to agree with BellaDonna. It also depends on the level of the beliefs. I could never have a relationship with anyone that is reigious because I'm anti-religion. In that situation it could never work.

[HouseKitten]

I would say no, not possible. Definitely not for me anyway - I can respect that other people will believe whatever they want and that's fine so long as they're not trying to change me, but I would look long-term and say 'could I have children with this person?' and since I am completely against raising my children with religious ideals, I could not have a serious relationship with someone who valued religion.

 

It might be able to work if the atheist were completely okay with the theist having religion in their lives, but I think most atheists are by definition not happy with religion being a large part of their lives.

[shessofly]

i think in the long run both people would be miserable, assuming they are both firmly grounded on their beliefs. how would they raise children? if they got married what kind of ceremony would they have? what happens when religious holidays come around? when it comes up in conversation? how do values differ? how would the theist feel going to their place of worship alone every week (assuming they are "serious" about their religion)? i could go on. there would likely be a lot of differences and a lot of opportunity for conflict.

 

for me, i say no, it would not work. my beliefs are very important to me. so i guess it really just depends on the people and they should have a really detailed discussion before getting involved.

[NightLily]

I don't think it is a good idea. But the main reason I say this is because if somebody is say Christian for example they very often have strict rules on who does and does not get into heaven. Being a person who denies their god is very rarely on that list. If they actually do believe in heaven/hell I think it would be difficult for them to not try to persuade you or be upset over it.

 

It is difficult to understand from the perspective of an atheist who is concerned with this life and not what comes after death so it would cause strain.

 

When it comes to how to raise the kids well that would be a whole other can of worms. I would very strongly not want to tell my children such stories as absolute truth where as a theist spouse may very strongly want the opposite.

[Day_Walker]

Well I think that anything is possible but the problem is that so many decisions that we make concerning our lives come back to our core beliefs. With that being said I would say that most relationships of this type will not work but I am sure that there are some people who can be tolerate enough and compromise when these two people date

[Lamprey]

I don't think it would work out. References made to God & believing in one tend to amuse atheists, and being amused by God tends to piss off religious people. Also, atheists often want to discuss God logically, which also pisses off religious people because logic & religion are always at odds. You can't be logical about resurrection or walking on water, you have to take it on faith.

 

Only way for a religious & a non-religious person to coexist is to agree to never, ever discuss religion in front of each other. So it *could* work for some religions. But since Christianity tells people it's their duty to convert non-believers, devout Christians can only be in relationships with other devout Christians. It won't work otherwise.

[Sunny1607307996]

I think it depends on how respectful and mature the people are and also the degree of "religiousness".

 

For example I was raised as a Catholic but now I would consider myself a "spiritual" person who believes in God but not necessarily the Catholic Church. I am dating someone who is an atheist. He was raised atheist, and doesn't believe in God because that's how he was raised and not because he had a bad experience somewhere down the road.

 

We make it work because not once have I ever tried to "convert" him and not once has he ever thought less of me for believing in God.

 

I would consider us long term and "in it for the long haul". I cannot answer the kids/marriage question because I have not gotten that far yet. I don't think he would mind being married in a church but then again, I'm not so sure *I* want to get married in a church. I certainly don't want my children baptized. But I find comfort and solace in believing in a God and I would want my children to have that solace if they wanted it....I do not know how that would work out with raising kids, honestly. But I'm certain that it can work out if it's with the right person.

 

Now, that's just my situation. If I was someone who attended a place of worship on a regular basis it would be awkward to go alone, especially if I was married, and it would be just as awkward for him to attend. If I wanted our kids baptized and he did not there would be some major problems.

 

I do think that it can work, it just takes a lot of respect and compromise.

[greywolf]

Yes. It just depends on how open-minded and respectful they can be towards one another. My bf listens to my rants about my religion and religion in general all the time, and he never says anything disrespectful about it, even though he probably doesn't understand why I want to be involved in religion at all.

[civilservant]

Sunny you post has just reaffirmed why I really don want to be in a relationship with a religious person- not in a bad way, I just hang considered all the aspects!

[dragon lady]

I think it depends on how extreme the beliefs are and how much they care about what the other person thinks. It's rare to find an atheist with a hardcore evangelical christian or a muslim (I've certainly never come accross it), yet I've seen quite a few atheist/liberal christian couples.

 

Also, often there are family expectations and traditions that stand in the way of these relationships forming. A religious person might not care that their partner isn't, but sometimes a pushy family can make it not worth the hassle.

 

Personally, I'm an atheist and I've only ever been involved with agnostics or other atheists. It makes it much less complicated that way. Although I wouldn't turn down an awesome theist if he could tolerate my opinions on religion and he didn't actually believe that I was going to spend eternity in hell. Because who needs a partner like that anyway?

[Sunny1607307996]

Sunny you post has just reaffirmed why I really don want to be in a relationship with a religious person- not in a bad way, I just hang considered all the aspects!

 

I would be very interested to hear what exactly reaffirmed this. Just to satisfy my own curiosity.

[tiredofvampires]

I think it depends on how respectful and mature the people are and also the degree of "religiousness".

 

For example I was raised as a Catholic but now I would consider myself a "spiritual" person who believes in God but not necessarily the Catholic Church. I am dating someone who is an atheist. He was raised atheist, and doesn't believe in God because that's how he was raised and not because he had a bad experience somewhere down the road.

 

We make it work because not once have I ever tried to "convert" him and not once has he ever thought less of me for believing in God.

 

It's because I've met quite a number of people like you, Sunny (and it seems many of the liberal/progressive/self-identifying "spiritual" Christians are Catholic) that I've almost done a 180 on this topic in my life.

 

In my 20's, and even through most of my 30's, as an atheist (on some days)/agnostic(on other days), with many bad experiences with religious people and difficulty with the notion of religion in general, this was a HARD dealbreaker.

 

But I've met many people of various faiths who believe in God in a way that would not conflict with the way I live my life, the way I see the world and our place as humans and could even be compatible with me. They may have a concept of a Higher Power that differs from mine, but unless they are bound to rigid, dogmatic ideas that don't respect MY views or believe that I'm going straight down after I die, we could live well together. So meeting people of many stripes of faith has made me realize I could be with someone who was a confirmed theist, and even had a religion. It would all depend on their personal relationship to the belief system.

 

But as has been pointed out, raising children would bring up some real problems, depending on how important doctrine was to my partner. I would not feel comfortable with my child be baptized or made to go to services of any kind to pound beliefs into them (and that actually includes those of the religion I was born into). I think my choice would be to raise the children with the ideas of many cultures and religions, including our own beliefs and how they are different, and leave the child to choose his or her own affinities. A lot of people say, "Yes, but that's confusing to children". I believe giving children a hand in what they believe early on ultimately will lead to more autonomy and LESS confusion later, and treats them as intelligent beings, not just maleable puppets. So that's how I'd solve that one. Of course, my partner and I would have to be on the same page about that.

 

A religious person might not care that their partner isn't, but sometimes a pushy family can make it not worth the hassle.

 

I would never let my family determine who I'm going to marry. What is this, the Capulets and Montegues?

[dragon lady]

 

I would never let my family determine who I'm going to marry. What is this, the Capulets and Montegues?

 

Neither would I

 

It's just that there are a lot of people out there who are very involved with their families and I imagine it would be very hard. I know a girl who comes from a traditional muslim family and when they found out she wanted to marry a christian they disowned her. This wasn't even theist vs atheist. This was theist vs theist! That wouldn't be something to take lightly, especially if you otherwise like your family. Some prefer to avoid this problem all together and just marry someone from their own religion. By setting up deal breakers prior to dating, a person can avoid falling in love and running into these problems down the road. That is if it's something they care about avoiding...

[Boughs]

Thank you for all of your replies. Seems like quite the mixed bag!

 

Well I'm in a situation of this type. 2 years and 4 months.

 

Its been the best relationship I've had (I've had 3 other serious 1yr+ relationships) and this is... soon to be was probably the best relationship despite her being the only one who was religious (not hardcore or anything).

 

If I were an outsider I'd say "no it can't work" but... being in it you feel there is hope but I think my conscience is telling me it won't.

 

I wouldn't care if kids are raised this or that, its their prerogative to choose at a later age. I think there is good moral guidance to be had at an early age of religion... but I definitely think around the age of 12 you can begin to think for yourself a bit and choose.

 

The main issue I've come accross is if you have a differing of opinion, on lets say, "Is it ok to see an ex for coffee" it will lead back to core beliefs. It'll start out as "well I don't want to disconnect from those I've known in my life" then "why is it important to talk to an ex?" and then it goes on to friendships and why they are important for a healthy lifestyle, then the caring for others and then it eventually finds itself to religion and the idea of community and helping one another regardless.

 

Which I understand that mode of thinking, I just don't think that way. Its hard to be ok with something like that.

[tiredofvampires]

This was theist vs theist!

 

I can see how that might be even more flammable than atheist v theist.

 

Especially yeah, if both sides have been very traditional. I can't even imagine what I'd do if I fell in love with someone of another faith (if I came from a strong traditional religious background) and I chose that person over my looking for someone within my faith, but my family made an ultimatum out of that. Knowing myself...I'd probably choose to be disowned.

 

But until I were in that situation, it'd be hard to say. Maybe I would end up stabbing myself in the heart, lol.

 

The main issue I've come accross is if you have a differing of opinion, on lets say, "Is it ok to see an ex for coffee" it will lead back to core beliefs. It'll start out as "well I don't want to disconnect from those I've known in my life" then "why is it important to talk to an ex?" and then it goes on to friendships and why they are important for a healthy lifestyle, then the caring for others and then it eventually finds itself to religion and the idea of community and helping one another regardless.

 

This conflict can exist completely separately from religious core beliefs and "morals". Just look around the jealousy forum here about all the people who have conflicts about interacting with exes, or people of the opposite sex. It's rampant and has nothing to do with religion.

 

I'm not religious, but I believe in helping one another and staying friends with exes where possible. A lot of people don't agree with this, and it's not because they are atheist. They are just more jealous, mistrustful and insecure around this kind of subject.

 

I'm not sure if your partner is "putting it on" religion, but I don't see staying in contact with exes as a "duty" -- civic, religious, philosophical or otherwise. I see it as keeping contact with people who I care about, period, and if I can help them (if they need it, and vice versa), the merrier. I believe in community, of treating people as I would want to be treated, and not just abandoning those who have mattered to me, but I don't need religion for that.

[dr_styles]

they very often have strict rules on who does and does not get into heaven. Being a person who denies their god is very rarely on that list.

 

I'm agnostic, though from a Christian's point of view no different and won't get you into heaven. An interesting argument I read elsewhere had the person saying even though he wasn't a religious person, he lived with most of the Christian, common decency morals, probably even more so than actual Christians going to church, praying and so on. Yet because he didn't have the basic belief Christians would say he was still "worse" than them. That part stuck in my memory because that part of what he wrote was pretty true about me though no one has laid that sort of judgement on me yet thankfully.

[wildchild1]

In my opinion, I think these relationships seldom workout. There will always be an exception, but I think these things can become a big deal down the road when people have kids and you have mixed messages.

[Iceman26]

I really think it depends on the two people dating, both Atheist and Theist.

 

There are people of both beliefs that will try and sway the other towards their way of thinking, and there are some that won't.

 

The biggest conflict in such an arrangement would be the children and what they are brought up to believe.

[all lucky 7s]

Of course they can, but it depends on a lot of different factors. I think most importantly, that they don't let their faith effect other aspects of their life too much, and that they have respect for the beliefs of others (or at least respect for their partner's beliefs).

 

I doubt you'll find a militant atheist and a hardcore evangelist in a relationship for too long (if ever), but if you have one person who says, "I don't believe there's a god but I don't think about it too much," and another who says, "I believe in god but it doesn't revolve around every aspect of my life," then yeah, there's no reason there can't be a long term relationship in there.

[veneratio]

Yeah I've seen it work. I think it takes two very respectful and open-minded people. Takes a big person, imo, to be able to make something like that work. I know I couldn't do it when I really sit and think about it.

 

The couple that I know has one of the best relationships that I've seen, if not the best. So it definitely can be done. But they aren't very extreme in their beliefs either. So that's probably a factor as well.

[Taikero]

I know I can't do it. Due to the way I see religious people, and the way they act toward others in nearly all cases, I could not be with a deeply religious person.

 

If their views were lighter or bent toward a non-religious viewpoint, then I feel we would be vastly more compatible.

[Hermes]

Exactly, Veneratio

 

I think it takes two very respectful and open-minded people. Takes a big person, imo, to be able to make something like that work.

 

they aren't very extreme in their beliefs either. So that's probably a factor as well.

 

And this leads on to what Taikero says:

 

religious people, and the way they act toward others in nearly all cases

 

Sadly, this is often so.

 

H

[greywolf]

I go to church and everything, but I don't think I'd date a very religious person either.