Oral: Necessary or Not?

[Lady Rashomon]

I've read a lot of posts on here (from both men and women) that allude to their partners not performing oral on them or being grossed out by it, etc. I'm curious as to how acceptable NOT getting oral in a sexual relationship is to men and women. I'm personally always appalled when I read posts from women who say their partners refuse to go down on them. I find that points to an essential uptightness, selfishness, and lack of sensitivity, and would probably not want to be with someone like that myself. Also, I love both giving and receiving, and oftentimes can't actually orgasm during intercourse--so getting oral before or after can make the whole experience that much more pleasurable.

 

Bottom line: I don't think I could be in a sexual relationship with someone who doesn't love to give or receive, because oral is just too large a component of sex for me to ignore.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If someone didn't like broccoli would you make judgements about their personality? People have their own likes and dislikes and just because a person doesn't like oral doesn't suddenly make them uptight, selfish and lacking in sensitivity. Relationships bond (or at least should bond) over more than just licking a vagina and sucking on a penis. If that is the only way two people can bond properly then it is a pretty sad relationship. If you don't want to be with someone who doesn't like oral, that is your sexual preference and your right...but it is equally the preference and right of someone to not like oral and their character should not be slammed for that preference.

[DrKitten]

I don't think I could be in a sexual relationship with someone who doesn't love to give or receive, because oral is just too large a component of sex for me to ignore.

 

I 100% agree.

[Hermes]

It's a question of taste (forgive the awful pun LOL)

 

Hermes

[sophie274]

Unless there was further evidence or reason to believe that my partner was uptight, selfish and insensitive, I would not dump him because he disliked one sexual act or another. Sometimes there's no deeper meaning to it than the fact that some people do not enjoy doing certain things in bed.

[newwave]

Me personally oral is a must. I have a medical issue where intercourse is somewhat painful at times so I don't like it (plus it causes pregnancy and and any guy expecting sex must be prepared to marry if pregnancy occurs). The last guy I liked (the one I call "the one" though he may not be) dislikes oral because he tried it once on an ex and it "grossed him out". He did say he might change his mind. I'd be happy to find a guy who'd do it.

[Lady Rashomon]

If someone didn't like broccoli would you make judgements about their personality? People have their own likes and dislikes and just because a person doesn't like oral doesn't suddenly make them uptight, selfish and lacking in sensitivity. Relationships bond (or at least should bond) over more than just licking a vagina and sucking on a penis. If that is the only way two people can bond properly then it is a pretty sad relationship. If you don't want to be with someone who doesn't like oral, that is your sexual preference and your right...but it is equally the preference and right of someone to not like oral and their character should not be slammed for that preference.

 

Wait a second--when did I say that bonding in a relationship was all about oral? (Obviously, if that were the case, I would probably not be contemplating divorce in my current relationship.)

 

Let me clarify--I was referring SPECIFICALLY to a person's sexuality and sexual behavior, not their character. And yes, this would be a deal-breaker to me, because sexual openness, empathy, and lack of squeamishness around mutual pleasure are important to me. I don't think that disliking oral makes someone a bad person (that's just stupid) but yes, it is indicative of a person's sexual responses and behavior and would be a huge point of contention for me.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I don't know, I think it's kind of sad to rule anything out. If my partner liked anything and I didn't, I like to think I would give it a try. Also, I don't know if I would want to be with someone who was that fussy/uptight about oral sex. So for me, yeah, it would be a problem. It would say something about the fact that they lacked generosity and a spirit of adventure when it comes to sex! I mean, blow jobs aren't exactly lovely, but I love turning my partner on, so that's how I get huge amounts of pleasure from them.

 

I used to go out with someone who had a high heel fetish. I don't, but he loved me in heels - I wore them an awful lot in the bedroom for him! It didn't do much for me, but he loved it so much, so why wouldn't I?

 

So, yeah, I agree that someone who refused to give/receive oral sex to me also seems a bit selfish. And that is offputting in a partner.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Wait a second--when did I say that bonding in a relationship was all about oral? (Obviously, if that were the case, I would probably not be contemplating divorce in my current relationship.)

 

Let me clarify--I was referring SPECIFICALLY to a person's sexuality and sexual behavior, not their character. And yes, this would be a deal-breaker to me, because sexual openness, empathy, and lack of squeamishness around mutual pleasure are important to me. I don't think that disliking oral makes someone a bad person (that's just stupid) but yes, it is indicative of a person's sexual responses and behavior and would be a huge point of contention for me.

 

Perhaps someone who doesn't like oral may be into whips and chains...would you call that person not sexually open, lacking sexual "empathy" (whatever that means) and squeamish? It is fine for you to want someone to perform oral on you, but I think you still make too many judgemental statements about a person who doesn't like oral when it really is only about a personal preference.

[sophie274]

Wait a second--when did I say that bonding in a relationship was all about oral? (Obviously, if that were the case, I would probably not be contemplating divorce in my current relationship.)

 

Let me clarify--I was referring SPECIFICALLY to a person's sexuality and sexual behavior, not their character. And yes, this would be a deal-breaker to me, because sexual openness, empathy, and lack of squeamishness around mutual pleasure are important to me. I don't think that disliking oral makes someone a bad person (that's just stupid) but yes, it is indicative of a person's sexual responses and behavior and would be a huge point of contention for me.

 

But surely you have your own list of sexual acts (whatever they might be), that you wouldn't do, because you didn't find them appealing? Isn't it just a matter of where exactly you draw the line (and someone could presumably not like to receive oral sex but enjoy other sexual acts that were far more "far-fetched", no?) I just don't think not liking X or Y necessarily makes a person squeamish, closed and unempathetic in the bedroom, it just makes their sexual preferences different from yours. I can picture different scenarios about this where the person is selfish, and others where the person isn't. - For instance, would it be really selfish for a woman to not be interested in receiving oral sex? I don't really see that - I'm sure everyone has a limit of how far they'd go just to indulge a partner's sexual preferences and fantasies. I guess this just feels different to most people because it's expected to be on the "basic menu".

[digger11]

very important to me!!! If I am performing I want to be receiving as well. That's not WHY I give oral sex, but I think it's important to reciprocate.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Perhaps someone who doesn't like oral may be into whips and chains...would you call that person not sexually open, lacking sexual 'empathy" (whatever that means" and squeamish? It is fine for you to want someone to perform oral on you, but I think you still make too many judgemental statements about a person who doesn't like oral when it really is only about a personal preference.

 

It's not quite the same, is it? A lot of women have trouble orgasming, and oral is the one certain route usually. And for most men, they LOVE blowjobs. Love them. So it's a very very common and widespread preference that is intensely pleasurable. I think people should really try to develop this preference - it's like eating olives or martinis; not something you naturally love, but you can definitely learn to really like the taste!!

[Hermes]

it just makes their sexual preferences different from yours.

 

That's right Sophie.

 

H

[Lady Rashomon]

Well, CAD, this reminds me of when I was much younger and I was squeamish about performing oral sex on my partner. I did, however, because I saw how much pleasure it gave him--and that, in turn, made me happy and actually helped me get over my own apprehension about giving, which was tied into so many other things. Now it's something that I enjoy (which may have never been true if I'd stubbornly held to the belief that giving was not pleasurable). That, to me, is an example of sexual empathy--being sensitive to your partner's needs and willing to go out of your comfort zone in the spirit of exploration rather than withholding. For me, giving pleasure is a way of receiving pleasure. I am a generous and exploratory lover, and it's important for me to be with someone who is the same.

 

I also believe that "preferences" change over time and aren't as cut and dry as one might believe. I also don't think that people should be forced into doing something for their partners if they truly don't want to, but again, this is something that only the people involved can negotiate.

[Lady Rashomon]

Yes, perhaps this is true. I am pretty open to everything except things that I view as unhygienic and perilous to one's health. For example (and sorry if this is overly graphic), I don't really see an unwillingness to give/receive oral sex as exactly equatable to, say, an unwillingness to play with feces or vomit in the bedroom.

 

Perhaps the takeaway here is that two people's list of appealing/unappealing things, ideally, should be well-matched.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It's not quite the same, is it? A lot of women have trouble orgasming, and oral is the one certain route usually. And for most men, they LOVE blowjobs. Love them. So it's a very very common and widespread preference that is intensely pleasurable. I think people should really try to develop this preference - it's like eating olives or martinis; not something you naturally love, but you can definitely learn to really like the taste!!

 

Why..why should people have to force themselves to do something they don't really like. Isn't it selfish of the other person to expect their partner to go against their comfort level? I don't force myself to eat any food or drink any drink I don't like just to please someone else. Some people just don't like something no matter how many times they try. Why is it when it comes to sex people have whatever expectations and stamp their feet and say "you must or else you don't love me and I don't want to be with you". It is like kids throwing temper tantrums over a toy.

[Mauxly]

I agree that people should only do what they are comfortable doing and shouldn't feel pressured into something that they truly don't enjoy. Having said that, to me oral is a very basic component to a free and fulfilling sex life. Not enjoying giving/receiving oral would point to a sexual incompatiblility that would be an absolute deal breaker for me. Simple.

[Lady Rashomon]

Why..why should people have to force themselves to do something they don't really like. Isn't it selfish of the other person to expect their partner to go against their comfort level? I don't force myself to eat any food or drink any drink I don't like just to please someone else. Some people just don't like something no matter how many times they try. Why is it when it comes to sex people have whatever expectations and stamp their feet and say "you must or else you don't love me and I don't want to be with you". It is like kids throwing temper tantrums over a toy.

 

Nobody should force themselves to do something they don't really like. I have never thrown tantrums and asked a partner to do something they truly don't feel comfortable with. IMO, there is a huge difference between someone being squeamish about something like oral due to a lack of experience with it vs. someone who simply HATES the act--I would never WANT someone to do something they didn't enjoy--but if it's simply a matter of "Honey, I really really enjoy this [insert act]. Would you consider doing it?" that is certainly not the same as throwing a tantrum and making assumptions about the level of a person's love.

 

I think it comes down to, as I gauged from Sophie's post, determining whether one's list of unappealing/appealing sexual acts is in unison with their partner's. Of course, there are plenty of people who get around the whole issue altogether because their partner NOT liking oral sex isn't a deal-breaker, even if they do. Bottom line: as someone who comes profusely from oral sex (as opposed to fingering or intercourse, which almost never do it for me) and who enjoys giving oral sex, this would be a deal-breaker for me. If that makes me judgmental, well, you don't have to sleep with me.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Why..why should people have to force themselves to do something they don't really like. Isn't it selfish of the other person to expect their partner to go against their comfort level? I don't force myself to eat any food or drink any drink I don't like just to please someone else. Some people just don't like something no matter how many times they try. Why is it when it comes to sex people have whatever expectations and stamp their feet and say "you must or else you don't love me and I don't want to be with you". It is like kids throwing temper tantrums over a toy.

 

Fair enough. But I wouldn't go out with a guy who was like that. I would find that kind of childish too. But each to their own. I want a partner who is happy to fulfill me sexually, and vice versa. And oral sex (to me) doesn't seem like a particularly demanding demand to make! But as I say, each to their own.

 

I would say, though, that swallowing semen isn't exactly the tastiest treat on the planet, but the relatively few partners I have had have *always* loved that. To me, that is worth getting over because of the intense pleasure it brings to the person that I am making love with. So I suppose I am saying that I would hope a guy would try quite a few times with me before ruling it out of the sexual repertoire.

[quirky]

To answer the OP's question for me it is really important. When I'm into someone I wanna become one with their body and vice versa. If a partner wouldn't want to perform oral on me it would mean we have very different ideas about what passion, love and desire is.

[force]

I think if you don't like doing oral on your partner it's a very good sign that your not completely attracted to them. Otherwise you will want to "get to know" that part of them. If I'm not completely attracted to the person and don't want them in every way possible then I wouldn't want to go down on the person either, but if I am very attracted then nothing will stop me.

[DN]

You have every right not to be with someone who won't perform oral sex but he has every right to choose not to do it.

 

Trying to pressure someone to do something they don't like sexually is just wrong and to condemn them for it seems to me to be narrow-minded. No one has a right to have a particular sexual act performed. If they won't and that is a deal-breaker for you then break the deal. But I don't think anyone has a right to complain.

[jonny15]

I think it would be kinda odd if a chick refused to let me do oral.

 

I've never done it, but i'd without a doubt want to try.

 

It would make me think about what she's like sexually.

 

Does she like sex?

 

Does she only like penetration?

 

She doesn't want me to be the one to do it?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think if you don't like doing oral on your partner it's a very good sign that your not completely attracted to them. Otherwise you will want to "get to know" that part of them. If I'm not completely attracted to the person and don't want them in every way possible then I wouldn't want to go down on the person either, but if I am very attracted then nothing will stop me.

 

Another misconception. People can be very attracted to each other but not want to lick someone's penis or vagina. Since when does attraction hinge on whether or not you want their penis or vagina in their mouth. You can still want to kiss their lips, their face etc but not want their genitals in your mouth. You speak from your own personal preference but do not assume your personal preference is applicable to the everyone in the world.

[sigmond freud]

Its a must for me as well...love to give and receive...