Oral: Necessary or Not?

[Lady Rashomon]

Another misconception. People can be very attracted to each other but not want to lick someone's penis or vagina. Since when does attraction hinge on whether or not you want their penis or vagina in their mouth. You can still want to kiss their lips, their face etc but not want their genitals in your mouth. You speak from your own personal preference but do not assume your personal preference is applicable to the everyone in the world.

 

Ugh.

 

The lady doth protest too much.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Ugh.

 

The lady doth protest too much.

 

Not quite sure I understand.

[Lady Rashomon]

CAD, my question was: is oral necessary for you or not? But you chose to slam my preferences and make snap judgments about me being a child throwing a tantrum. I am fine with boiling it down to personal preferences, but why all the vitriol and counter-assessments?

[tiredofvampires]

I think it's interesting that this kind of issue always is posed around oral or anal sex, and people say, "No one has a right to ask that their partner do something they prefer not to."

 

I just wonder how many people here would be on board with someone saying, "I don't like intercourse. And I would prefer we just didn't do it. Just because I don't much care for it. That's all."

 

Would ENA say to the frustrated partner of this person, "Live with it. It's their choice. No one should 'demand' any particular sex act"?

 

Me personally oral is a must. I have a medical issue where intercourse is somewhat painful at times so I don't like it

 

I have the same situation, newwave.

 

Wait a second--when did I say that bonding in a relationship was all about oral? (Obviously, if that were the case, I would probably not be contemplating divorce in my current relationship.)

 

Let me clarify--I was referring SPECIFICALLY to a person's sexuality and sexual behavior, not their character. And yes, this would be a deal-breaker to me, because sexual openness, empathy, and lack of squeamishness around mutual pleasure are important to me. I don't think that disliking oral makes someone a bad person (that's just stupid) but yes, it is indicative of a person's sexual responses and behavior and would be a huge point of contention for me.

 

I agree with this position. While the bond in a relationship doesn't hinge on a particular sexual act, I don't think you can reduce a sexual act down to merely a mechanical process. I don't think you can compare the preferences you have about food or other things you find pleasurable to sex, because so much of sex is about GIVING to your partner. You make love TO someone, not AT them, if that makes any sense. So it's not about receiving pleasure (in my view) as much as showing them how beautiful, desirable and physically worship-worthy they are. You can't go into that kind of activity while at the same time thinking, "Ew, this part of your body, I don't want to go near." Especially if it's their sex organs, themselves. Oral sex is a pretty natural act (even animals/primates have been known to engage in oral sex), and for women, a primary vehicle for sexual release, so not affording your partner that outlet is, in my opinion, somewhat defeating of the main purpose of sexual bonding.

 

If a man had had some very bad experience with oral sex, I could work with that. But ultimately, if it was just taken off the table as part of our sexual menu, I probably would look elsewhere, as I feel this a crucial part of intimacy. I do ultimately feel that this "preference" is a selfish one, if exercised as such.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

CAD, my question was: is oral necessary for you or not? But you chose to slam my preferences and make snap judgments about me being a child throwing a tantrum. I am fine with boiling it down to personal preferences, but why all the vitriol and counter-assessments?

 

I am not at all slamming your preferences, I am simply slamming your arguments and other people's implications that if someone doesn't want to do oral then somehow they are not as caring, selfish, something is wrong with them etc. Your original posts slammed people who didn't think like you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

But not everyone feels that sexual bonding must include oral sex. Sure everyone is entitled to decide what is a deal breaker for THEM but they have no right to decide what they think should be "normal" for everyone on the planet. There are people in sexless relationships who bond very well...everyone has their preferences and it is a matter of finding someone you mesh with who has the same preferences. You can show how beautiful someone is and how attracted you are to them even if oral sex is not on the menu. Who made up the rule that oral sex is a must for EVERYONE or else something is seriously wrong. Is oral sex a natural act....well, peeing is natural, pooping is natural...but sucking on a penis and vagina is a CHOSEN sexual BEHAVIOUR not a natural act. If you want to talk natural act, it would be vaginal intercourse which is natural because that was an act designed for procreation. Primates also swing from trees...does that mean humans should be swinging from trees as well? I don't think applying sexual acts that go on in the wild is a very good argument to promote why all humans need to engage in oral sex or else they are just not with the program. As I said, everyone is entitled to their preferences and to choose a partner based on compatible sexual needs...but what is a MUST for some may not be a MUST for others and that doesn't make the others somehow sexually inferior.

[tiredofvampires]

Well, vaginal intercourse is "natural", but it's also optional. As the gay community, the celibate clergy, and seculars who abstain out of choice, for whatever reason, will tell you.

 

My point about it being "natural" was simply to point out that it's considered by most people's standards to fall well within the criteria of "basic foreplay", rather than "this is so fetishistic, I need to consult someone to make sure this isn't psychologically deranged." (not slamming kinky sex either, I'm just showing the contrast)

 

But perhaps it being "natural" or even as commonplace as intercourse isn't the issue, and so I'm willing to relinquish that particular point I was making.

 

I don't think of people's sexual choices as "making them inferior" or superior. That is not the language my mind operates on.

 

What I am saying is that for the person giving oral sex, there is one primary gratification: and that is the pleasure of the recipient. So performing oral sex and enjoying it is clearly an empathic experience of pleasure, and one driven by a selfless desire, not a direct, self-gratifying one.

 

In this respect, it's an act of unselfishness and gratification through another's pleasure.

 

If someone is so turned off to the idea of this, there is an element of selfishness to that, in my opinion. I know it's not PC to say so, but so be it. If you are thinking, "This doesn't taste like my mother's apple pie (real apple pie, that is), so it's just not yummy enough for me, thanks" then that's more self-involved than feeling driven to taste your partner's fluids because doing so makes them writhe in ecstasy.

 

I wouldn't use semen as a condiment on my hotdog (real hotdog, that is) along with ketchup and mustard, but in the context of giving my lover pleasure, it's as good as anything can taste (even when I've gagged on it.) So in my view, if you can't get into a sexual act that brings your partner great pleasure -- provided it's not painful or unhygienic for you, which are health concerns -- then that is a selfish prioritization of things.

 

If someone doesn't WANT to receive pleasuring this way, then that changes the dynamic, as does a mutual distaste for pleasuring eachother sexually.

 

And I agree everyone should find someone compatible with them. I'm not condemning people who don't want to give oral sex. I'm just saying I wouldn't be compatible with them because I view that as selfish. I have a reason for disliking that, and that is MY reason.

[Lady Rashomon]

I am not at all slamming your preferences, I am simply slamming your arguments and other people's implications that if someone doesn't want to do oral then somehow they are not as caring, selfish, something is wrong with them etc. Your original posts slammed people who didn't think like you.

 

My original post did NOT slam people who don't think like me. I simply wouldn't choose someone who didn't want to give and receive oral as my sexual partner because I view that mindset as selfish and uptight. I am not casting aspersions. Never did I seek to normalize what is proper or improper sexual behavior (not my domain), and nor do I think my opinions are invalid simply because I view oral sex as a vital component of a fulfilling sex life (which I do). I think you are reading way more into this than necessary.

[DN]

This thead has run its course.