Sexually Frustrated. This might be a deal breaker.

[Kaiser_Soze]

My gf and I have always struggled with our differences when it comes to our libido. I am getting to the point where I feel like I am missing out on a huge part of life because of our difference. She says she is completely satisfied with our sex life and can't seem to understand why I am not happy. My major issue is she doesn't show any lust for me, no eagerness. I honestly feel like she's never horny. When we do have sex 9/10 times I have to initiate it. When we do have sex she is into it and it's pretty good. That may not be a big deal for some but it honestly makes me feel undesired. I don't want to live with that feeling anymore. The hard thing is other than that our relationship could go the distance, unfortunately this is a big enough deal to me that I am seriously considering calling it off.

 

I have never had someone make me feel like this before. Am I being selfish? Is it juvenile to place that much importance on this issue. It's not so much the act of sex but more the expression of desire, it's just not there. Is this an issue of insecurity, needing the approval of her, or is it a healthy part of any relationship. I'm really at a loss here and could use some insight.

[Catdancer]

I dont think it's sex that is the problem. It's intimacy. It's knowing that your partner wants you, desires you and cant wait to see you and get their hands on you. Everyone wants to be wanted. Is seems as though she's become complacent. And that can ruin a relationship. Relationships are fluid, ever flowing and changing. So, if you dont change with them, you get left behind. Sounds like maybe you are leaving her behind. Can you talk to her about this telling her that it's not necessarily a sex problem, but more an intimacy problem?

[Taikero]

It's an issue of testosterone levels, on her part. It sounds like she doesn't naturally have a lot, so you might have to work with her to increase those levels. It could be as simple as changing diet and exercise habits, increasing sexual activity even with no desire (sex raises testosterone levels), or supplementation. It could also take something as extensive as hormone replacement therapy or maybe seeing a therapist if there are unresolved emotional barriers (The two of you would know best here).

 

It could also be she's taking you for granted as well.

 

Needing desire in your partner is normal. If you don't feel desirous, if you don't feel needed, if you don't feel wanted, what incentive is there for you to be in the relationship?

[Gath]

Some women (and some men) just have a lot of trouble expressing their desire, and there's no need to when their partner is into them. Most relationships involve a man pursuing a women, and she'll have little experience showing her own desire to pursue the man because of this.

[Day_Walker]

When it comes to sex and desire in a relationship it is rare to find another person who is going to give us exactly what we want or what we think we want. I think that you have to look at this issue very rationally, if her actions continued, can you handle that?

 

Personally, I see sex and desire as a huge issue, however I know others that do not place such a high level of importance on it. In my mind you are justified for thinking that her lack of desire or unwillingness to initiate is a deal breaker.

[warmpandacola]

Hey. I'm a girl and I've had this issue with both my exes. I like sex often but I agree with whoever posted above that it sounds like more of an intimacy thing just like what it was with me. You want more affection and to feel like you're wanted. Not to come home just to get an "ok, I'm going to BED now, night night!" ugh! So frustrating.

 

Talk with her about it calmly. Tell her you like affection and intimacy. I don't know how often you two have sex but just let her know how you feel and that you'd love it if she initiated more. Then... I know it's difficult but back off a little and see if she initiates.

 

If the issue still remains after talking and she still sees no problem but you still don't see a difference and are unhappy in that area I don't really think it's selfish to break up over lack of intimacy if the other partner isn't willing to compromise and care about your needs it's not selfish at all. It can't be one sided.

[Flywest29]

I am having a very similar problem. It is quite frustrating I know, I never have had this issue with past girlfriends and I am not sure how to handle it either.

 

She has almost no sex drive it seems, she doesn't give or receive oral, which to me is a big deal. I don't think I can go on much longer like this.

 

I know what you mean about the feeling of selfishness. It's not selfish at all, if its important to you, if its a part of who you are then thats the way it is. She might not be the one for you then. Do you really want this the rest of your life? You need to talk to her and be totally honest about how you feel. But if thats the way she is and can't change then your best bet is to move on.

 

I feel for ya I am in the same boat and probably going to have to break up with a great girl because of it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I hate to admit this but I get edgy if I go without for 3+ days.

 

This is what you wrote in a previous post. Sounds to me like the two of you have different sex drives and you need to find someone who has a similar sex drive.

[Kaiser_Soze]

I dont think it's sex that is the problem. It's intimacy. It's knowing that your partner wants you, desires you and cant wait to see you and get their hands on you.

 

Thats exactly what it is. I have never been in a relationship where this is the problem. It just feels like a no sparks compromise. Who wants to feel that way about the one person they want to share their life with.

 

It's an issue of testosterone levels, on her part.

 

Needing desire in your partner is normal. If you don't feel desirous, if you don't feel needed, if you don't feel wanted, what incentive is there for you to be in the relationship?

 

Interesting, testosterone. You could be right. The problem is I can't get her to even acknowledge anything is wrong. She feels like everything is fine so she says. She does complain that I don't help around the house, but I work 10+ hours a day while she takes care of the kids and house. Maybe she feels unappreciated. She doesn't complain about it until I bring something up, then her response is "yeah well you ......". I don't mind talking about whatever is on her mind, but it's used to distract me from the issue I have.

 

When it comes to sex and desire in a relationship it is rare to find another person who is going to give us exactly what we want or what we think we want. I think that you have to look at this issue very rationally, if her actions continued, can you handle that?

 

Personally, I see sex and desire as a huge issue, however I know others that do not place such a high level of importance on it. In my mind you are justified for thinking that her lack of desire or unwillingness to initiate is a deal breaker.

 

If she couldn't change I know I couldn't be happy. I want to be happy, and I want her to be the one. I think thats why I stayed this long trying to make it work. She is a great person, beautiful, kind hearted, loyal. She really has a lot going for her. I just am miserable at times when I don't feel the desire, the intimacy.

 

I am having a very similar problem. It is quite frustrating I know, I never have had this issue with past girlfriends and I am not sure how to handle it either.

 

I know what you mean about the feeling of selfishness. It's not selfish at all, if its important to you, if its a part of who you are then thats the way it is. She might not be the one for you then. Do you really want this the rest of your life? You need to talk to her and be totally honest about how you feel. But if thats the way she is and can't change then your best bet is to move on.

 

I feel for ya I am in the same boat and probably going to have to break up with a great girl because of it.

 

I hope it works out for you. I feel like I must be crazy to throw it all away with such a wonderful woman, but in the same breath, I know I am cheating myself out of one of the most important feelings in life. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life without that intimacy.

[Kaiser_Soze]

This is what you wrote in a previous post. Sounds to me like the two of you have different sex drives and you need to find someone who has a similar sex drive.

 

Thats the thing the sex has gotten better and more frequent. The problem I have isn't so much that we are not having sex on a regular basis as much as there doesn't seem to be a need/desire on her part. I am used to more affection. I want that flirty bond outside of the bedroom. I want to kiss and have the moments looking into each others eyes that lead up to sex. The foreplay that shows that you are desired.

[Bella20]

nevermind...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She does complain that I don't help around the house, but I work 10+ hours a day while she takes care of the kids and house. Maybe she feels unappreciated. She doesn't complain about it until I bring something up, then her response is "yeah well you ......". I don't mind talking about whatever is on her mind, but it's used to distract me from the issue I have.

 

How long have you two been together? Are the children from this relationship or previous relationships. How many children? You work 10 hours a day and what happens when you come home...do you talk to her about your day, do you talk about her day? Some people have a different way of loving someone and they are not as showy in their love. What other things does she do to show she loves you? You say she is a great woman so clearly you have a good relationship. In your other relationships where you say there was more lovey dovey behaviour....were there children involved and a house and the same responsibilities? Did you and your girlfriend ever talk about marriage? Did your girlfriend want to get married?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I just looked at your other threads. This relationship has been on the rocks for a long time, not because of the sex but because of her lying and the way she reacts...jealousy issues, twisting arguments around etc. Perhaps you are using the sex issue as a way to end the relationship when really it isn't about sex at all, but the entire personality of your girlfriend.

[AlphaFemme]

I settled for a relationship that had a lot less sex than I was used to. Like you, I missed the special bond that created-- even outside the bedroom. Of course, that relationship failed, but it wasn't until I started dating someone that wanted me all the time that I realized how much I was missing. Six years ago, I would have said a lack of/limited sex is not a deal breaker. Now, I know for a fact that I will never date someone that isn't crazy about me in every way.

[-Sanguine-]

I don't really have any advice

but I can say I feel for you!

I am in the same situation.. only reversed. I don't feel wanted either and it is really hard to deal with.

[Kaiser_Soze]

How long have you two been together? Are the children from this relationship or previous relationships. How many children? You work 10 hours a day and what happens when you come home...do you talk to her about your day, do you talk about her day? Some people have a different way of loving someone and they are not as showy in their love. What other things does she do to show she loves you? You say she is a great woman so clearly you have a good relationship. In your other relationships where you say there was more lovey dovey behaviour....were there children involved and a house and the same responsibilities? Did you and your girlfriend ever talk about marriage? Did your girlfriend want to get married?

 

We have been together for 3+ years. I have two children from a past marriage and we have one together. When I get home I ask everyone how their day was. We talk about what the baby was doing today or whats going on with her mom, dad or friends. She likes to gossip about their lifes. We all sit down together for dinner that she usually cooks. Sometimes we watch a movie together or go somewhere. She usually gives the baby a bath and I feed him a bottle and one of us puts him to bed. Then I will usually make sure the other two kids are doing what they are supposed to. After the kids go to bed we will have a drink together. Then we go and get ready for bed. Only after we lay down is our chemistry acknowledged. I know one can easily say well she's tired and point out that running a household can put a sex life on the back burner but millions of people who work AND take care of a household maintain healthy relationships.

 

She feels and says her way of showing me she loves me is by doing laundry and cooking and taking care of the kids. I appreciate it, but it doesn't touch me on a personal level.

 

The other more affectionate relationships I spoke of, one was with my kids mother. She did also stay home and took care of the kids and housework. That relationship was very affectionate but had a lot of ups and downs because she was bipolar. I have been in many other short term relationships, where the kids were not involved that had an abundance of affection and passion. All of my past relationships had a pretty healthy amount of passion. The hard part is I didn't have half of the emotional investment in those relationships as I have in this one.

 

We have talked about marriage and I know she does want to get married, but we both have been married before and are not in a rush. I would marry her if this issue was resolved.

 

I just looked at your other threads. This relationship has been on the rocks for a long time, not because of the sex but because of her lying and the way she reacts...jealousy issues, twisting arguments around etc. Perhaps you are using the sex issue as a way to end the relationship when really it isn't about sex at all, but the entire personality of your girlfriend.

 

 

The relationship has felt like it has taken a tremendous amount of work. I think she is comfortable enough with me now that the lying is under control. The jealousy is still a major problem. Twisting the arguments is also a major problem. She really cannot acknowledge anything. When I bring this issue up, I always get "yeah well what do you do to help me around the house?" or "what have you changed?"

 

Maybe your right. I feel like logically, I should be happy. Then I realize I am not. It's a huge conflict internally.

[tiredofvampires]

Kaiser, I'm sorry this is happening for you. I know this is a terrible dilemma to be in. Especially with kids in the picture.

 

My closest friend has the same problem you do, with her husband (actually, she did prior to their having a baby, and it was serious enough that she was considering divorce.) Since the baby, it's changed a bit in that her libido has plummeted now, too (and like Taikero, I suggested to her that low testosterone might be the cause.) Now, both of them are apathetic about it. Which would sound equitable, except that she wants a full marriage, not just a practical and loyal arrangement. It's not selfish, it's a HUGE issue of compatibility. And basic romance, which you are not mistaken to want in a marriage.

 

But for a while there, my friend was enumerating all the ways he was a keeper -- and this issue kept outweighing a lot of things in terms of happiness quotient. You can feel safe and secure -- but not happy. And that's not a good trade-off.

 

Was your wife ever passionate with you, in the way you want it? How long did that last, and do you think it was just a honeymoon phenomenon if it was there, or do you think it could have been in her personality/makeup to have this (in other words, is it dormant now) and something has cooled it off?

 

Sometimes you can tell a bit about this by the way they are about other things. I've found that people who are passionate, demonstrative, and expressive emotionally, are passionate thinkers, passionate creatively, or passionate about the things they love doing tend to also have passion in bed. (My friend's husband is NOT emotionally expressive, and I don't think this is coincidence.) People who are fairly...not "dull"...but mellow and even-keel and not easily aroused by other things don't get aroused sexually that passionately either, I've found (not always, there are some closet bedroom freaks, but usually they have an "edge" somewhere else, too). It's sometimes a temperament thing, and you can gauge that a bit by how she responds to other arousing events. If she is sort of a "cool cucumber" then it's possible this is a ingrained aspect of her and very unlikely to change.

 

I feel for you because you can't FORCE inspiration out of someone. It either is there -- or it's not. And I fear that if this feels this bad now (I recall another thread of yours several months back about this same subject), this will only grow as a problem over the years unless she cares enough to make this a team effort, not just a complaint of yours. If she's loyal, I would hope she would.

 

It seems as though you've had a lot of talks about this with her. And her assessment is that it's all fine and nothing is wrong.

 

I would have another talk and say this, "I understand that it's all fine for you. But how do you feel about the fact that it is not fine for me?"

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She is taking care of three children and the house. That is no small task. There are plenty of people who are exhausted from the day who just don't have the energy for sex. When you sit and have a drink together do you ever cuddle? Do you show her affection outside of the bedroom or only in the bedroom when it is about sex. Connection is not just about when it is time to have sex...it is about cuddling and holding hands etc when it is not just a prelude to sex. What connection is going on outside the bedroom, when you are out together..special glances, special touches etc. If she doesn't feel a connection from you outside of the bedroom and thinks you only want the connection when it revolves around sex, maybe that is why she is not so eager. She may want lovey dovey that is more everyday rather than just about sex.

[orangecounty]

When you sit and have a drink together do you ever cuddle? Do you show her affection outside of the bedroom or only in the bedroom when it is about sex. Connection is not just about when it is time to have sex...it is about cuddling and holding hands etc when it is not just a prelude to sex. What connection is going on outside the bedroom, when you are out together..special glances, special touches etc. If she doesn't feel a connection from you outside of the bedroom and thinks you only want the connection when it revolves around sex, maybe that is why she is not so eager. She may want lovey dovey that is more everyday rather than just about sex.

 

 

I sooooooo agree with this! It's ALL the little things my boyfriend does for me that makes me want to be even closer to him. Him helping me out, being understanding ect....These things can be very important to some woman, it makes our partners even more sexy. I just finished telling my boyfriend how much I love cuddling and how important it is for me, almost as much as sex. He seemed sort of surprised, but I tend to think some woman needs this more than others.

[hexaemeron]

See, for me, I've lost sexual attraction for everyone with whom I've been in a long-term relationship. It doesn't mean I don't love them, but circumstance + my own neurochem pretty much means I'll get bored or feel stressed out to the point I don't want to touch anyone or be touched at all.

 

So, it's always very strange for me to see people who can not only sustain that sort of interest, but actually miss it when it's missing. I'm sure it doesn't feel good, KS, and I'm sorry about that. I wish I knew what to say to help you and her to come to some sort of common idea about that, but I've never been in your shoes, (more hers, but for way different reasons)..

[Scott12]

She is taking care of three children and the house. That is no small task. There are plenty of people who are exhausted from the day who just don't have the energy for sex.

 

This may be okay for a short term excuse (not tonight honey, the children were absolute terrors today and I'm exhausted), but when someone is consistently too tired for sex then something needs to change.

 

When you sit and have a drink together do you ever cuddle? Do you show her affection outside of the bedroom or only in the bedroom when it is about sex. Connection is not just about when it is time to have sex...it is about cuddling and holding hands etc when it is not just a prelude to sex. What connection is going on outside the bedroom, when you are out together..special glances, special touches etc. If she doesn't feel a connection from you outside of the bedroom and thinks you only want the connection when it revolves around sex, maybe that is why she is not so eager. She may want lovey dovey that is more everyday rather than just about sex.

 

I'm really not trying to be offensive, I promise, but reading some of Kaiser's previous posts I can say fairly confidently that this is kind of behind the curve on where Kaiser is coming from. I know because I experienced a similar situation with my ex-wife. I felt like I was an attentive, helpful husband so I helped her around the house, engaged with her in conversation, tried to be affectionate, etc. The problem isn't no sex. Rather, the problem is no desire on her part. And it's not even about sex. It's about intimacy. My ex-wife, much like Kaiser's fiancee I would presume, would allow me to touch her, hold her hand, kiss her, rub her shoulders, etc. The problem was that she never initiated the same toward me.

 

That created in me a feeling like she was tolerating me. She was tolerating my affection and she was tolerating my sexual advances. After all, if she actually desired affection or sex, she would initiate them. That's a really crappy way to feel.

 

Scott

[Kaiser_Soze]

See, for me, I've lost sexual attraction for everyone with whom I've been in a long-term relationship. It doesn't mean I don't love them, but circumstance + my own neurochem pretty much means I'll get bored or feel stressed out to the point I don't want to touch anyone or be touched at all.

 

So, it's always very strange for me to see people who can not only sustain that sort of interest, but actually miss it when it's missing. I'm sure it doesn't feel good, KS, and I'm sorry about that. I wish I knew what to say to help you and her to come to some sort of common idea about that, but I've never been in your shoes, (more hers, but for way different reasons)..

 

Hey I appreciate that. Although you haven't been in my shoes, its still interesting to get the other side, sometimes another point of view is more helpful.

[Kaiser_Soze]

That is my exact situation. It is a really crappy feeling. The best way I have been able to convey my point is to relate it to me buying her flowers. When she has to ask for them it doesn't hold the same value as when I make it a point to show I care and do it on my own.

 

This is probably going to sound self serving and egotistical but I gotta show all the cards to be completely understood. When it comes to sex I have a little bit of an ego. I have always been made to feel like a stud by my gf's and now the woman I love seems to have no excitement about us. It's kind of ironic but it is beginning to screw with my confidence and I don't like it at all.

[hexaemeron]

That is my exact situation. It is a really crappy feeling. The best way I have been able to convey my point is to relate it to me buying her flowers. When she has to ask for them it doesn't hold the same value as when I make it a point to show I care and do it on my own.

 

This is probably going to sound self serving and egotistical but I gotta show all the cards to be completely understood. When it comes to sex I have a little bit of an ego. I have always been made to feel like a stud by my gf's and now the woman I love seems to have no excitement about us. It's kind of ironic but it is beginning to screw with my confidence and I don't like it at all.

 

Hmm... so is this about sharing an experience with her, or about her validating what you wish to believe about yourself?

 

Probably a mix of the two, I wager.

[quirky]

TOV, excellent post and very true what you mention about passion in other areas.

 

Kaiser, the others have given you great advice. I've been in your shoes and it made me feel awfull. I had 2 relationships in my early 20s where the guys had difficulties sexually and it trashed any self esteem I had, I felt undesired for 3 years.

 

You mention that when you bring something up she comes back saying "well you don't do this and that.." Has she got any reason to be resentful? Try not to think of past gf too much, you may need to find another way with her. Does she mind being at home with the kids? Would she prefer to work? If she was working before maybe it affects her self esteem being at home..