Does Ignoring/NC really tell you everything???

[JohnTheMan]

So I have been in a sticky situation for quite some time now. My EX started contacting me again after I told her I wouldn't answer her txts or emails. I know that after our breakup she developed a relationship with someone that she started talking to before our split. She lied to me for months saying she has no interest in anyone and we needed to work on ourselves and maybe see about trying again. Later pics surfaced on fbook. For about 2 months she stuck with my decision for NC. Then she started txting me and asked to see me before she moves back home after graduation... Imo, she was still seeing the guy she left me for. There are some indicators that they have backed off a bit. I ignored all attempts for her to reach me. Her last email asked if I was ignoring her or got a new phone number. She said she just wanted to know if I was ok. BUT she has used the "want to know if your ok" line before to get me talking. It doesn't seem like she has any intentions of recon, but thats all i want from her.

 

Basically, I have been instructed and coached by others, that the only way I'll be able to find out what she really wants, or she will be able to find out what she really wants is by sticking to NC. That she needs to see me not responding to her to understand her choices, and as a result I can see what her real intentions are. It sucks to ignore her, and I hate playing games. But a lot of people think that if I respond i give her exactly what she wants and then she'll just go back to her new life. She has managed to stay good friends with all her exs. She wanted to keep me as a friend. I have already told her many times we wont be friends.

 

I am torn at the appropriate action for this situation...

[annie24]

do you want to get back together with her?

 

i think it's rather dumb of her to keep contacting you after you told her you weren't going to answer. or maybe she just didn't believe you'd stick to that?

[JusticeLaw9]

Sometimes severing the ties with a person is the only direct way to heal. You do what's necessary to move forward with your life. Obviously you really have something she wants and that's why she's going to continue to harass you for a little while. If you're adamant about where you, stand your ground and hold on to your decision.

[JohnTheMan]

as much as we've been through. yes, i want to get back together, but she shows no real sign thats what she wants. and she is moving 5 hours away at the end of may.

 

my thoughts are, she is contacting me to see me before she leaves just as she said in the txt. so she can say farwell and be on to her next adventure.

 

my struggle is whether i should respond or not. some people tell me to just be honest and re-affirm my position. a lot of others, tell me to ignore her and find out how badly she wants to keep me in her life. that through ignoring her, i will see the real picture and she will be able to decide what she really wants...

[JusticeLaw9]

as much as we've been through. yes, i want to get back together, but she shows no real sign thats what she wants. and she is moving 5 hours away at the end of may.

 

my thoughts are, she is contacting me to see me before she leaves just as she said in the txt. so she can say farwell and be on to her next adventure.

 

my struggle is whether i should respond or not. some people tell me to just be honest and re-affirm my position. a lot of others, tell me to ignore her and find out how badly she wants to keep me in her life. that through ignoring her, i will see the real picture and she will be able to decide what she really wants...

 

Well, you can always wish a farewell over the telephone. Myself, I'd probably see her one last time considering that I may never see her again. Hell, you two were together for sometime why not just give her that satisfication of seeing you that last time before she begins another life in a distant area... Now, if you're currently seeing somebody than that may be different and something else may have to be worked out. But it's all on preference; you don't have to go if you don't feel like, though.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She dumped you so that she could be with someone else. Her new relationship may be on shaky ground...so she is contacting you. I would strongly suggest you keep ignoring her. It is rather patronizing for her to call to see how you are doing after she dumped you to see someone else but lied to you about the reasons. If she feels guilty and wants to leave feeling like things are okay and you still like her despite what she has done that is her problem. She didn't even apologize, she simply wants to see if you are okay. You don't need her "charitable feelings". Let it go and don't feel guilty for not responding. She made her choices and now she has to live with them...you don't have to be a member of her fan club that she so much wants. Walk away and don't look back.

[diamond78]

You have been battling this topic for some time now...

 

If you're this indecisive about it I would just call her up to say farewell at least. She's moving away so you know that reconciliation is most likely not on the table. So, that should give you a feeling of no expectations which is where you want to be when you finally do make contact.

 

I think if you don't contact her in some fashion you will continue to dwell on this.

 

Contacting her won't kill you...I promise.

[Cadence44]

I think you should see her if it's going to make you feel better. Remember that it's all about you now, and don't make any decisions where you are sacrificing your peace of mind in order to make her feel better about the situation.

 

I get the impression that she does care for you, but that this meeting would be about clearing her conscience before she goes. I think it would set you back after you've made so much progress in letting go.

 

How about a well-intentioned message saying that you don't think it will help you to see her before she goes but that you wish her well in her future?

[ForumGuy]

why not just give her that satisfication of seeing you that last time

Because she broke up with him and lied in the process. I would go with what your friends are telling you and stick with the NC to see if she will get more desperate to contact you. Even then, when someone has lied to you in the past, you never know if it is a ploy just to get you to talk. You definitely don't owe her any satisfaction at this point. Go with your heart though.

[Carus]

John*

 

NC is not used to get them back....It is used to get YOU back.....

 

NC is employed as a strategy to try and shorten the Salad Stage of a BU and to protect you....

 

After a while NC should have helped you to heal and subdue all of those out of control emotions...(I'm 13 months out and I'm still not 100% yet)

 

So I would agree, theres no harm in seeing her, but you will need to be the strongest of rocks if you go in there.....

 

Neither you nor her wants to meet up just to sob, and cry and say sorry's....

 

So the questions I will put forth are:

 

Are you angry at what she did or are you indifferent about that?

 

and

 

What do you think the aftermath will be like? You may unravel months of work with one smell of her hair....Caution*

 

I knew my ex was at a venue just 10 mins from here on Fri night and of course I had stoopid thoughts pop up like "Maybe I'll drop in there...etc".....and some of my friends even said I should go to kinda face that fear as it may help with my healing...

 

I thought about it and gauged where I'm at in my healing process.....

 

Suffice to say I knocked myself out with a sleeping tab and had a much needed good nights sleep....The aftermath is, I'm glad I did that.....

 

My ex is not moving away but I'll probably never see her again either, so...ya know

 

Let us know what you decide.....Just be careful and mindful of your thoughts*

 

Ever Forward

K2*

[Anyway]

...

I am torn at the appropriate action for this situation...

After all it comes down to ask yourself which course of action do you think is best for you? Only you can answer this question.

[stu1973]

as much as we've been through. yes, i want to get back together, but she shows no real sign thats what she wants. and she is moving 5 hours away at the end of may.

 

my thoughts are, she is contacting me to see me before she leaves just as she said in the txt. so she can say farwell and be on to her next adventure.

 

my struggle is whether i should respond or not. some people tell me to just be honest and re-affirm my position. a lot of others, tell me to ignore her and find out how badly she wants to keep me in her life. that through ignoring her, i will see the real picture and she will be able to decide what she really wants...

 

Personally speaking I would lay it on the line to be honest, go for it, you may spend the rest of your life regretting it. I really don't think she'd be wanting to get in touch to say "farewell", especially when there's the internet etc. if she wants to stay in touch.

 

You can't base such a life changing decision on whether she does or doesn't show signs, you need to talk. I don't think you'll ever find out what she wants by going NC at this point, she'll fade into history and that'll be it, if that's what you want continue NC. If breaking NC isn't going to open old wounds, then go for it.

 

Maybe she's using the "moving 5 hours away" thing as an ultimatum? Sounds weird, but let me explain. One of my female friends decided that she'd had enough of her on/off relationship going the way it was, and announced she was going away to work on cruise ships for a year. She told me she wanted to do it, but also hoped her on/off boyfriend would say "don't go". My ex also announced to me when things were on very shaky ground that she was going to work in the alps next season for 6 months, my reaction was "oh!". My female friend says that could've been her reaching out to me expecting a "don't go" response too. I obviously don't want her to go, but didn't say anything as I didn't want to smother her.

 

Through my wafflings, what I'm saying is, don't maintain NC to try and push her into showing her true feelings, it'll only backfire, she'll eventually give up and move on. If you want her back you need to find out her intentions and reaffirm yours.

[JohnTheMan]

i'm not mad. i am though, upset with her and some of her choices. i dont think i would bring up any of the past. probably just see her if that was the route i was going to take. last time i went to see her i was fine, until she started sobbing and things went down hill.

 

maybe ill see her and not want to be with her??? i dont know. but she is moving for sure. i'm not sure if its a bad idea to see her cause i want her back, and she is obv. doing something else. also, she may still be with someone she left me for.

 

if i decide not to see her do i finally break contact and just tell her??? UGH!

[JohnTheMan]

hmmm... i think i'm getting a new spin on things... i have a meeting with my therapyst monday and i think i'll discuss my options then. i def dont want to have regrets. i also believe no guts no glory. if seeing her does set me back, i'll take that over a lifetime of the whatif. my main concern is not to lose an upperhand i might have developed in NC.

 

its hard. but i KNOW she is moving at the end of may. her mother and her are developing a stronger relationship and she has had her heart set on moving back home after school for some time now.

[stu1973]

I definitely believe in no guts no glory too. From my relationship I regret inaction, it cost my the most important girl I've ever met. I will regret my inaction for a long time, if not the rest of my life, so I can only put things from my point of view forward.

 

Also, I think if she was just using you as an emotional crutch, someone to lean on to get her through your breakup, or the breakup of her current relationship, would she continually contact you even though you've said you don't want her to? Maybe she keeps getting in touch because she genuinely doesn't want to lose you and regrets what she did? Maybe she has something important to say? You'll never know if you blank her.

 

You know what? If my ex contacted me, we met, and she ended in tears, it may set me back some way, but at least it would show she cared/cares a lot, which means a lot.

[Cadence44]

I think you will definitely lose the upper hand if you see her.

 

I mean, come on, she's moving. There's going to be this air of "oh my god, we might never see one another again!" romanticism. You are guaranteed to feel emotional about this and show her that you are emotional. And then she gets to feel better about herself because she sees that she can still upset you because she is just so exceptionally desirable. And then she sails off into the sunset with a clear conscience.

 

Or, you don't see her, and she leaves and has to live with the consequences of her actions. I don't mean this in a punishing way. I mean it in the way that she had a great guy, but she lied and did some horrible things to him, and she doesn't get a pass on the repercussions of those actions just because she's moving away.

 

If there are any feelings there for you, I think the best bet on them not going away is the second option. The first option lets her wean herself off of you. The second option leaves her wondering.

[Carus]

If you want any chance with this girl then I will put forth that if you go in there and blurt out your undying love for her right now, this wll NOT help your case...

 

I base that on just about every one of the 1000's of cases I've seen, a bit of logic....and a bit of my own stuff ups as well....heh

 

Unfortunately it just will not come accross as attractive and that is what is lacking here....attraction*

 

She my still have affection for you, but not the attraction....

ESPECIALLY if she is still seeing someone else.....

 

So I will reiterate:

I would agree, theres no harm in seeing her, but you will need to be the strongest of rocks if you go in there.....

 

This is also a good way to think..>>>

maybe ill see her and not want to be with her???

 

Best Of Luck....

K2*

[JohnTheMan]

Cadence44 has struck on exactly what I dont want to happen. That is exactly my dilemma. Many women have told me the exact same thing. That remaining NC keeps the upper hand. And, if there was any chance of us having a recon, it would happen regardless of contact or not. Simply, her feelings wont go away and only increase with the lack of my contact with her. Or she is seeing me for HER benefit to leave here with a smile on her face at which point i may suffer more hurt for the sake of someone who has used and abused me.

 

DAMNIT. No easy choice.

[minou]

If it's true absence can make the heart grow fonder, this is even more likely to happen if she sees you before she goes away. This upper hand stuff is a power play that feels like a game to me. You really have no idea where her mind is, and neither does she. How you each feel when you see each other is really unpredictable. However, if you really do love her and want her back, and it sounds like you do, I wouldn't pass by an opportunity to see if the love still there on her part. Anything is possible, if it is. If it is not, you have gained strength and will be able to deal with this, even if fresh emotions are stirred up. Knowing she can see you and not want to be with you again, and feeling it in person, if that is what is happening, will only benefit whether or not you choose to move on in your heart and life. I feel that if you love her, and she is leaving, find out where you stand now. If the truth might be frightening, at least it is real. People don't always know whether or not they want to get back together from a distance. Sometimes that kind of information and depth of emotion can only be stirred up in person. It cannot diminish the outcome if that is what it takes. Also, sometimes a woman wants to know a man will love her unconditionally, and be eager to see her if the opportunity arises. It can be a turn off to feel that a person you care about wants nothing to do with you.

[Live-N-Learn]

Simple Question.

 

Why on earth do you want a girl back that lied, deceived and cheated on you? Can you ever trust her again? Getting her back is the easy part compared to rebuilding trust. Matter of fact I don't see her asking for forgiveness for what she did.

 

If you really want to go down this path. I would tell her sure we can meet only if it is to clear the air on why you lied, deceived and cheated on me. Just my thoughts.

 

As for me, my ex did the same thing and she it out for good. I can never take her back or trust her again.

[broken71]

My 2 cents on this situation is that if you've already been clear in the past that you wanted her back and she has said no, then if she somehow has a change of heart now, she would make it clearer in her communication to you that this was her intent. If you're strong enough to deal with the potential consequences with the meeting if it doesn't result in reconciliation, then I would go through with it. To me, it sounds like she wants some closure and possibly forgiveness from you before she leaves. That's fine for her to want it but if it will set you back, then I would rather not go through with it even if you do love her.

[JohnTheMan]

i have spent a great deal of time trying to grow and find myself over the last 10 months. i agree that is a long shot she wants anything more than to satisfy her needs. i think that i could possibly grow even more from the meeting. i guess its that old saying again 'what does not kill you only makes you stronger.' yes, i could suffer a couple wks of setbacks, but i could also gain ground faster and higher thereafter. the games. i never wanted to play. i'm not sure though, that one has a choice. i was brought into the game unwillingly and now feel forced to play by the rules. 'beat them at their own game' or 'fight fire with fire'... Cadence44 touches on what i think could be a serious adverse effect from the meeting. The final blow or nail in the coffin. My opinion, i think i'm strong enough to make it through the entire experience without showing weakness. Perhaps some tears behind closed doors after, but i'm not sure about that either.

 

Scott, yes i would try again with her. I believe people can change, and they can better themselves. It would be up to me to determine whether that could happen. I believe she is capable of making the nessecary adjustments as am I. There were definate lessons to be learned post breakup. Revelations if you will. I have a stronger understanding of what went south. Her inability to tell the truth and have a clean break is something that she would need to work on and would be addressed. In my heart, i believe i can fully forgive and understand her actions. I have done a lot of that alone already. The book i got the most from during my quest is called Peace Is Every Step. It has been life changing for me. It has taught me a lot about obtaining true peace within oneself. Reading it, i have felt that, yes, if she willing, i could work things out with her. I dont believe in wasting time, and if I didn't truly believe her and I could work... then i wouldn't be contemplating this on the internet.

 

Thanks for all your advice. I have a lot to think about. Cause and effect.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I totally agree with this. Yes, there is the whole thing of "no guts no glory"..but sometimes you have to really think about what kind of person you are going after. Your ex is doing what dumpers typically do when their rebound sounds crapping out and they feel like they are at loose ends. They want a security blanket not the relationship back.

[JohnTheMan]

i find it fascinating that the advice of women seems to be all the same, and men on the other side...

 

fight fire with fire

[stu1973]

You know what John? You are right, the mens advice on here is the opposite of the womens, and the dilemma I now have is that when I had a wee blip in my relationship, I went to a mens health website for advice, and it was the same, the guys all the one lot of advice and the women the opposite. I took the guys advice and guess what? It was exactly the opposite of what I should've done. But they said "ignore her, let her stew", while the women all said "you need to talk to her, find out what's wrong." I should've listened to the women! So I may have to step back here, go against my natural instinct and say, listen to the women on here!