Does Ignoring/NC really tell you everything???

[Cadence44]

There is indeed something to be said about the different advice from different sexes. I think you should pay attention to it.

 

As a woman, were I to do something like she did (I wouldn't, but that's beside the point) I would have more respect for you if you stood your ground. That tells her that she cannot treat you this way and expect you to still be there for her. In the long term this is really advantageous to you.

 

She still thinks she can have you whenever she wants. Going all out for her as has been suggested is just going to reinforce this belief, and gives her less of a reason to think of you differently.

 

I also fear that if you both work something out, or get on that road, it will only last until she can find something new where she's moving. Didn't she start seeing someone else when you were far away for work?

 

I think the best thing you could do would to continue to be the guy that she can't treat like a doormat. Trust me, she's not going to forget about you if you don't meet her. You'll be on her mind more, if anything.

 

In fact, if I received an indifferent yet gracious reply from you such as "It's not a good idea to meet up, but I wish you the best.", I would be shocked into reality. That, my friend, would get my mind working overtime.

[rtyre2]

John I think honestly whats making you want to go see her is that you have the deep true feeling that there is a chance for redemption and to pick your relationship back up where it was left off at. Sometimes you have to ignore those instincts and really think with your brain. I am in a similar situation as you, and I saw my ex and guess what? It didn't do anything for redemption.... it's just the fact you were a big part of her life for so long and honestly sometimes they just always want you there as a person. Re-igniting a flame is something very hard to come by

[JohnTheMan]

rtyre2... your are very correct. BUT, there are those that do re-ignite. i'm no where near banking on that, but acknowledge it does happen. i already had a first meeting with her since the breakup. it went sour cause she started crying and it was too early for her.

 

i'm not putting 1000% of my efforts to get her back, but i do want the best odds with my actions. this is why i have been here collecting advice. Cadence44 and many other women indicate a meeting is NOT a good idea. Ignoring might be the best option or sending a concise short "i dont want to meet" reply. i am simply weighing my options with what i have to work with...

[rtyre2]

John; be careful if you DO go with this. When I saw my ex she did the same thing, a lot of tears and sadness. But as the week went on and we spoke more; it became more clear, she didn't want me there for that emotional attachment anymore she wanted me there as a person in her life.. Why? Because like I said I was all she had for near 2 years and I was her rock for so long but when girls lose feelings its hard to return them. Yes not impossible, but HARD! I hope you the best in whatever decision you make, and I'm here for you brother.

[JohnTheMan]

i spoke with my therapist today. the decision is still in small deliberation; however, i am coming closer and closer to a conclusion to stay in zero contact, aka ignore her contact efforts.

 

i have to type this somewhere to get it off my chest so here it goes...

 

the next wk is going to be very very hard on me. it is graduation wk for my ex. one of the most important days of her life. a day we looked forward to for many years. she was at my graduation. she was able to hug me and be there for me. she got me a great gift. my anxiouty is coming back strong and the sadness arising. her entire family will be in town this weekend to support her and watch her graduate. i am so deeply hurt to not be part of it. so much of our relationship was geared towards her schooling and my advancement after school. missing this day culminates the whole scenario. i am no longer a part of her life, and thats not going to change. i HAVE to start accepting, she is NEVER going to come back. at most, she wants friendship. her loss, missing this moment, tears my soul in half. i just dont know anymore...

[JohnTheMan]

DAMNIT. after some of the worst couple days of my life I sent a response. i kept it really vague and short. i kinda feel bad about the response i sent, but theres not much i can do now... either way, i didn't indicate i would meet her or even acknowledge that request.

 

i wrote: "sorry it took me so long to reply. i am doing well, and yes, i still have the same phone number."

 

reading that again. i feel like a schmuck, but shes moving anyways and prob wont respond to me or atleast give me some of the same treatment. 3.25 months zero contact NOW BROKEN. gosh

[amandamarie]

DAMNIT. after some of the worst couple days of my life I sent a response. i kept it really vague and short. i kinda feel bad about the response i sent, but theres not much i can do now... either way, i didn't indicate i would meet her or even acknowledge that request.

 

i wrote: "sorry it took me so long to reply. i am doing well, and yes, i still have the same phone number."

 

reading that again. i feel like a schmuck, but shes moving anyways and prob wont respond to me or atleast give me some of the same treatment. 3.25 months zero contact NOW BROKEN. gosh

 

Aww, don't beat yourself up too much over this. You know, I am in a similar situation in that my ex contacts me all the time wanting to text, email, talk, whatever, but I have to ignore it because I need to move forward. Oh, and we are now long distance too. It is draining really to have to deal with the contact, at the same time you are trying to heal yourself. It is really hard to ignore those contacts, so I completely understand that yeah, you can slip sometimes. Your response actually was not bad in my opinion, doesn't make you look weak or needy, so if you were going to break it, I don't think this was the worst you could do! Mistakes happen, and you can just learn from it and continue on with the NC if that is what you want - but remember, this is about YOU, not her, and about what makes you happy - so just accept that you did it, and continue to move forward without the guilt

[No1]

Lots of thoughts and Ideas to this. I understand your want to get back with her, I would get back with my X but its not going to happen today.

So I understand your confusion. There is a fine line between contact and no contact and looking like a jerk. If you completely ignore her, when she wants a simple good bye, she could look at it that you are a jerk and it will only justify her actions for dumping you. On the other hand, a simple text saying "I am glad you are doing well, good luck on your move" will make you seem like you are the one she loved, and cared for and you will continue to be in her mind.

I would say be polite and respond with a simple short text. (of course 90% will disagree with me) But remember "ouf of sight, out of mind" If you want to remain on her mind, have her think about you, then a simple little text can to wonders. But dont engage in any chats. If you ignore her she could resent you and never talk to you again if/when you ever decide to contact her again.

I love my X. We have a love for one another that will always be there. I flat out told my X, I cant initiate any contact with her because I am still in great pain. I think of her, but it hurts me deeply still. I told her that when I am ready, I will contact her and she said she will always be ready and accept me back into her life because she wants me in her life forever, but if she has to wait months or years, she will do so. And thank you for not being a jerk and just say "see ya later B----" But I was honest and told her that it was painful, and asked her to let me heal. After all she did ask me to let her go, so I basically had to ask her the same thing after she contacted me.

[JohnTheMan]

yea. to be honest, i cant really expect a response from her. she graduates tomorrow and is really busy, not to mention i was in 0 contact for 3.25 months and ignored a few attempts to reach me. also, i didn't answer her txt to see me and re-affirmed i have the same number. my whole thing about it is... she wants to see me. txts me and doesn't know if i have the same number, but hasn't attempted to call me. thats kinda ridiculous. i know she was on fbook last night and she didn't respond to my email, so its what i expected.

 

i think at this point. i can live with my choice. i told her i was ok, and still have the same number (if she gets the guts to call). i broke the nc with her, but stayed short and didnt give her TOO much. i expect she will ignore my response or be satisfied enough so that it will be some time before she decides to reach out again.

 

imo, i did the right thing regardless of what she did throughout our breakup. time will tell how this truly affects me, but today i feel better that i atleast sent a response and got it over with. hopefull this response didn't destory any kind of advantage i gained through ignoring her.

[JohnTheMan]

hey all... so i have some more details and another contact attempt from her. today one of our mutual friends who kinda took my side after the breakup, told me she deleted them on fbook. i was curious and went to her fbook and noticed that she had deleted 5 mutual friends. i was curious why she deleted them, but instinct kicked in and i decided to check my email. as expected there was an email.

 

You seem to really just want me to stop trying to talk to you. I just wanted to tell you that I wanted to see you. I just thought I would tell you because the last time

we had a conversation, I said that I thought it was best if we didnt, but I just

wanted to tell you that I feel differently. I dont mean to bother you. I just miss

my best friend. I totally understand that you dont want to see me, but I just wanted

you to know that if you ever did, I would love to. You dont need to respond now, or

ever, but I just wanted you to know.

 

EX

 

oh ps, i graduated!....with honors i couldnt have done it without u

 

this made things even more interesting. first, she refers to me as "best friend." also, this seems to be an indication that perhaps the ignore/almost 0 contact has worked some magic. imo, she is being forced to deal with the full consequences of the breakup. that indeed she is losing me forever if we are not in working on us as a couple. this has been really hard times. i know that i missed out on her graduation and it hurt a great deal, but i am also thankful to her that she indicates she knows how much of a role i played in getting her there. either way. i haven't responded just yet. i have more thinking to do and talking with my therapist tomorrow.

 

since the beginning of this breakup, i have had to deal with losing a best friend and lover in one instance. it looks like its her turn to face the reality of her actions. time to decide what she really wants...

[No1]

Dont look into her actions any longer. Just accept... You are doing okay. Just continue to do all you need to do to heal.. you are fine. Just follow your heart and not your wants.

[JohnTheMan]

ugh.... so today she has been deleting more mutual friends. pretty much anybody that was involved with us when we were together she is deleting. i dont know what to do. also, the guy has started commenting on her pictures again where he was absent for awhile....

 

i dont know if i sohuld just talk to her or what...