7 months later and I still miss him! what is wrong with me??

[verylonely]

Hi everyone,

 

Well I had a very difficult break up. He was everything to me, together 2 years, dumped me by txt, moved on with new g/f after 6 weeks, now she has moved in with him, have had very little contact. The last thing he said to me was in Jan, when he told me to "get over it and move on"

 

I have been moving on, got myslef new job, reclaimed my house that i had to move back into after the breakup and generally got on with my life. Have had therapy since and am happier. But I feel like I will never be the happy caqre free person i have always been before this. My friends have noticed that although I am back to myself mostly, I am not the fun loving person i always was. I still dream about him sometimes, I still wake up occassionally thinging of him. I miss him and still feel the pain of losing him. I am fine for weeks and then it almost hits me all over again.

 

I have been in serious relationships before, been married, have kids, but have never been hit this hard before. Does it mean that I still love him. I have been on a couple of dates with nice guys but I just dont want anyone else and dont find anyone attractive at all. Sorry I just really wanted to rant. I havent cried about him for months and this past couple of days I am so tearful, even crying writing this. Its never been me, sometimes I wonder if this is just what happens after hitting 40 that it all just gets weary or just takes longer to get over relationships the older you get?

thanks for reading

[brainfog]

I think you have progressed and layed some good foundations for another healthy relationship with all you've accomplished so far. It just seems some people take longer than others to get past it all. Sorry it's been difficult for you lately.

 

As someone who is past 40, I think I get what you mean about it being harder to move on. Sometimes I feel desperate because I wonder if I'll ever get back into a loving relationship, which I crave. The thought of being alone the rest of my life is not appealing.

 

And also not appealing right now to potential mates, they can smell desperation a mile away. Too early for me to start looking, but on my mind a lot.

[Carus]

7 months later and I still miss him! what is wrong with me??

I am 13 months out and I still cry every 6-10 days or so.....

 

The only thing that is 'wrong' with you is that you have been wounded and you are still healing.....

 

Lets keep walking

 

Ever Forward

K2*

[Rotxsen]

I think you are over thinking this as for me yes I stood for 6 months saying why can't I move on and it was because I kept on thinking of ways and blaming myself why I can't get over this person until I realize wait... I just let my body system deal with it if I think of her I would just be like hey I wonder how you doing .. I hope you are doing good take care of yourself and keep on going or if they pop in my head keep doing what I'm doing or just keep saying good bye until eventually your mind will just let it slip away don't rush your mind and body it takes some time for people to get over them and I'm still trying but I'm not blaming myself or anything I just go with the flow.

[ladydayblues]

i'm sorry you're feeling so badly. i too am still hurting a lot after 7 months after my breakup and no connection - i still cry about it a little almost every day. i think the main thing for me is that i blame myself for most of the bad things that went on in the relationship. i have to keep telling myself that whatever things i did wrong were mistakes and if i had known then what i know now, of course i wouldn't have done them. that doesn't make me an unworthy person, it makes me human. i too have had other relationships but this one hit me the hardest, it's so strange how that is. perhaps it is related to how much you had invested in the relationship.

 

it seems you are doing all the right things and moving in the right direction by taking care of your mental health by seeing a therapist, and getting on your feet again by working-- all you need now is time and continuing to think positive and doing positive things. it takes longer for some people to grieve and also depends on the nature of the relationships - there is no time limit as long as you don't allow yourself to feel completely helpless and give up on life.

[kalikat]

Wow... you are not alone, my friend. Your situation is almost identical to mine. Late 40's, ex-husbands, kids, etc. yet for some reason this last break-up has been harder on me than any other. I'll be fine for awhile, and the BAM! The sadness hits me all over again. And it is sooo hard to get past!

I've been trying to figure out why I can't move on. That is still a mystery to me. But I have kind of figured out a piece of it.

I've noticed that as long as I stay incredibly busy, I'm okay. But the minute my brain slows down even a little, he sneaks right back in. So now I am constantly taking on (what seems like) more than I can handle. Not necessarily the best solution, but for the moment it's all I've got.

[brwneyedgrl333]

I too, can SO relate to this!! I am in my late 40's, divorced for 10 years after an 18 year marriage, have had several long term relationships during this 10 year period.

 

This last breakup that happened 4 months ago after a 2 plus year relationship has absolutely devestated me. Granted, it's been only 4 months but the pain is the worst emotional pain I've ever endured and I NEVER care to do it again. I too tend to have better days and then WHAM!! Sideswiped with the recycling thoughts and grief. I know it's part of the process but I feel worn thin with it already!

 

I do believe I had invested more of myself in the relationship then my ex did, without a doubt making it even harder as I am the dumpee.

 

I think we need to feel all that we feel instead of trying to push it away or keep so busy we CAN'T feel it and let the grief process fully happen. It's the only way thru to the other side but it's a tough road getting there.

 

Stay strong and know that you are SO not alone in this!!

[britomart]

Lots of people are in the same boat!

 

It was a 5 months relationship. It's been 4 months since he broke up with me for someone else, 3.5 months of push and pull, and 11 days since he told me "time to move. not responding anymore, don't send another message."

 

I keep on wondering why it seems everyone else can move on so easily and I'm being left behind. People deal with heartaches in different ways - I tell myself everything that I need to think about the future.

[sage_1]

I can relate too...almost 11 months out of an almost 3.5 year relationship. I'm 41 and we had planned to get married. This has been the absolute hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It doesn't help any that I have 2 other major issues going on as well. It is probably past time that I get some help (counseling/antidepressants) because I'm seriously stuck.

 

So, you are not alone. We'll all get there, in our own time.

[klw2012]

I can relate to what has happened to you , I just got out of a 4 year relationship 6 months ago and boy do I still feel some gut wrenching pain. Most of the time I ok, but when these bouts of sadness and missing him hit me, it hurts so bad. When I broke up with my husband of 20 years I never went through this, so why does this one hurt so bad, I am in my mid 40's and sometimes I just feel so helpless and alone, wanting my ex husband back then wanting my ex boyfriend back. My boyfriend left me by moving a far distance for a new job and led me to believe I would be following him later, but when I got home from work the day he left. I walked in my home finding a break up note from him, blaiming me for all the problems in the relationship, to never contact him. Prior to this he didnt say a word after I quit my job to move with him, looked for new jobs in his area and tell my family and friends I was moving,,, I am in so much pain still writing this, I just have such a hole in my heart

[sonicfan287]

I think its a compounding effect when you ask "whats wrong with me?" because youre already assuming something is wrong with you for still thinking about him. if anything, i think there's something wrong with the ex who just leaves and moves on like nothing happened, but again, thats all subjective. There seems to be a perception that varies depending on the people you associate with, on how long it should take to "get over it". Some people are understanding about this kind of stuff but others will say you should be over it in X amount of time or less, and thats just not realistic for everyone.

 

So, its going to happen... you will cry, no matter how much or how little you thought it meant to you. you will cry sometimes and not even know why... I do it almost every day and this is my third breakup with her and has just been hell but only for 2 months so far... I was broken up with her for 5 months and wasnt getting much better.. if it werent for the fact that we got back together after the 5 months of breakup, I mightve continued to spiral and Id hate to see where Id end up, because after this third breakup, I attempted suicide... so I can definitely relate to whatever youre going through and trust me, theres nothing wrong wiht you.

 

You will get some cold answers like "Get over it" or "move on", but yknow what? thats not their business. The first thing you should do is stop thinking theres something wrong with you, because it will only fuel a fire that doesnt need to be. The fire of your depression will go down over time as long as you dont feel bad that you havent met some kind of "Deadline" for getting over him. In the meantime, theres nothing wrong with going on some dates and hopefully meeting someone who will respect you and love you for who you are.

[stickman]

As harsh as this sounds (because I too have been there like you a few years ago AND in my 40's.) the only person that can change how you feel is YOU.

You have to respect and love yourself...more. Let go of them. Your feeling badly is still not going to connect you to your Ex.

You have to look within yourself and light the fire to change and live again all by yourself.

Perhaps God has given you this great chance to work on things. Things you know need fixing within yourself.

 

Some wise person said that if you want to be and look younger, you have to act younger. Destress. Eat right and get moving. The whole mind and body thing.

My advice...get to a gym, ride a bike, go for a swim, take a walk...3-4 times a week. Suddenly, your body is tired and you sleep better...and then you feel better and act better.

When I started to ride my mountain bike every day after work for an hour, it only took a little over a week and the change started to show!!! I started to ride faster and further!!

After I started to feel better, people started to come back in to my life.

 

Hope this helps.

[sonicfan287]

stickman's onto something there. while youre emotional, it can appear that things will always be as bad as they are now, but Ive noticed from the past, even when I go through month-long struggles with emotions or breakups or whatever it may be, after I start feeling better (to the point where I just know Im better and I dont have to ask or think about it), my friends and others start to come into my life, as if they can just sense my recovery. Its truly revitalizing in many ways

[sandrawg]

Add another one to the crushed and devastated, over-40 crowd. I'm 44. I was married 10 yrs, and my divorce was awful, but for some reason, I am in even more pain from my last breakup. We were only together 6 months, but we had this amazing connection. And sometimes I feel like I'm old and gonna be alone the rest of my life.

 

To make matters worse, texted my ex to say happy birthday, the other day, and got nothing in response. In fact, he told a mutual friend that "nobody remembered my birthday." None of those friends he broke up with me to hang out with, did ANYTHING for his birthday. Karma's a b*tch. Jerk.

[FreeFallFeelin]

I'm not quite 40, but I'm certainly in the catagory of being old enough that I don't date just to date. I'm looking for a wife.

 

I have also been shocked at how overwhelming this breakup has been for me, compared to all others (and all other life events) in the past. My theory is that it has a lot to do with age, and the expectations that I had for our Rship to become a permanent bond. I keep thinking "Really, starting over AGAIN?" I envy people that were able to find a mate while they were still in their prime.

[stickman]

Again, over 40 and starting over can seem like a very scary thing. You feel like damaged goods.

Dreams and expectations about how your life was supposed to be. How you derailed somehow.

This is NOT how my life was supposed to be! You say. How could this happen to me?

You go On and on with the inner voices in your head. The dream police inside your head! What you had...what you should of had.

THEN...The fear of the unknown!!! My God what do I do now?

 

You do what you have to do.

You finally get to the point...A point where you stop feeling sorry for yourself and start to DO something about yourself FOR YOURSELF.

babysteps at first. You take stock of what you have going for you and build on it. Minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. and in a year you look back and laugh at where you were.

You yourself make the choice how fast the road goes away in the rear view mirror.

 

Hope my blurb helps someone.

THE Stickman

[TessaB]

I too can relate. I am 7 months (exactly!) out of the BU, he dumped me after 2 years. Is now seeing a girl he met while with me and she has just recently moved in with him. Talk about whirlwind!

 

I don't know the answer, because I'm still struggling too....but I guess I would say time, time, time. Eventually it has to get better. I mean, it has to...what are the other options? Rolling over and dying....that is not an option. So, I guess just positive thoughts and pushing through. I've been going to a councelor too, have started new things, etc....they make me happier, but I still have a void that I can feel. I would strongly hope that keeps diminishing...for you too!

[Hope2017]

Their certainly isn't anything wrong with what you are feeling. I am going through the exact situation after being with a girl 14 years from age of 17/18 engaged to me married, moving in buying a house. Loss of a pregnancy Experienced broken trust on her party not mine. had problems like any relationship. Within a day of us splitting up she starting texting a friends brother and their in a relationship now which hurts that after 14 years and given everything possible to this girl. She up sticks left and replaced my self within 24hrs not saying she got into a relationship after a day but starting flirtatious fling which has developed into a full blow relationship within 2 weeks of splitting. Not going to lie still hurts every time

I think about her. I tried everything to save our relationship overlooked the miss trust even suggested we speak professionally to someone. She just cut me out and moved on even when I tried to win her back regardless of her faults because i did love her even for her faults she never could be honest as she chose not to tell myself she got into a new relationship which hurt all over again when I found out through the grape vine from mutual friends. Since our split she has went on a rampage of slander to justify her distrust which everyone sees through but still hurts like nothing Iv experienced before. People like us just love with our whole heart and wear it on our sleeves we beleive people love equally which isn't true some people find it easy to love when things are running smooth but when relationships need work together they fail at their part. What ever your still feeling even tho it may hurt it is exactly what your suppose to be feeling right now. You body will process it and each day will hurt less and less until one day you wake up and you won't think about it again. Try focus on your self do things you never would of done which you always wanted to do. Start small even the lightest of changes makes a big difference treat your self to something you always wanted go to places you would normally not go because we always compromise for partners their tastes, food, drinks, style, fashion etc. If your able too, start excersing for you and set mini goals to achieve excersie is a great stress relief and recommend to combat stress and depression. It's your life live it for you and what ever is meant for you will not pass you by! I fully understand what your going through and i hope this helps x