SadAndy Posted April 22, 2010 Share Posted April 22, 2010 My ex recently dumped me after 14 yrs for a 21 year old man. She is head over heels in love with him and he is absolutely besotted with her. My question is that whilst it could be (and looks like it is) true love, how much of it could be down to novelty and infatuation on his part. He has known her 'like that' for about 4 months and has been living with her (and our daughter age nearly 8) for 2 months. After about 3 weeks of living together they had already sat my little girl down and talked about 'when' they get married and how 'she would have a brother or a sister next year'! He is also in the process of taking out a massive mortgage for a term of 30 yrs! Like I said, this could (and knowing my luck WILL) be true love but how much could be put down to infatuation and novelty of an older woman who does everything for him. He is 21 and has lived with his mum & dad up until now and doesnt do 'normal' 21 yr old things like partying, getting drunk and going out with his mates etc. From what she has said, he doesn't seem to have many friends. She is a size 16-18 with not the best body (sounds shallow I know, but its honest), and has already told him of the 2 affairs that she had whilst with me. He gets on very well with my daughter (partly as she is angelic and partly because she probably sees him as a 'brother' due to his age). Surely the age gap will show as my ex's body deteriorates (sorry again to sound shallow, but just being honest) whilst he continues to 'mature' into his prime. I know that age gap relationships can work but does this level of 'true love and commitment' usually happen so fast or could this be infatuation, novelty and lust from his part? My ex and I are through, i just really don't like seeing her hit the jackpot when she has screwed up my daughters life and mine for her own gain. Link to comment
MD Geist Posted April 22, 2010 Share Posted April 22, 2010 Its these types of posts that contrubutes to my tainted view towards women. They want a man but in the end they will end up settling for some boy who has nothing going for them.](*,) I swear you can be a loser and still be successful in the world of dating and relationships. She's dumb and just totally set herself up for failure, you should be focused on you and your daughter man. Cause in about 5 years from now those two will be flat broke living in povertity while you will probably be the one who will hit the jackpot somewhere down the line. Link to comment
XxJustMexX Posted April 22, 2010 Share Posted April 22, 2010 My ex's wife of 13 years left him a few years ago for a guy that's 14 years younger than her... She was 38 at the time and he was 24. The guy treated her well during the first few months... but of course he was still fishing at the time. He spent time with her kids and was the "dream guy" for her and her kids. A few months into it though, he either found out how big of a b*&^% she is, or he really did start showing his true self because once he moved in, he wouldn't do anything with her and the kids anymore, and sat in front of the playstation all day... Nice. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 22, 2010 Share Posted April 22, 2010 do you have partial custody of your daughter? the fact is that he is an adult, and if he is good to your daughter, then it sounds ok. i would worry less about your ex's love life and more about the welfare of your daughter. i disagree with MD geist, i don't see any indication that this guy is a loser, the OP hasn't mentioned if there are some negative characteristics about him that would make him unfit to live with his daughter. How old is your daughter? Link to comment
HellFrost666 Posted April 22, 2010 Share Posted April 22, 2010 Haven't there already been like three threads about this? Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 22, 2010 Share Posted April 22, 2010 Haven't there already been like three threads about this? yes, you are right. Andy - while the whole situation sucks, i would just work on accepting it and move on. maybe you can still have some contact with your daughter (or step-daughter) but i would really try not to think about your ex and her new bf. it's too hard to tell at this stage if they will work out or not. but, it's not your business anymore. sorry. Link to comment
SadAndy Posted April 22, 2010 Author Share Posted April 22, 2010 Haven't there already been like three threads about this? More than 3 i'm afraid. Just venting my frustration and sadness on here rather than letting her know how much she has got to me. Link to comment
LazyDaisy Posted April 22, 2010 Share Posted April 22, 2010 My friend is a 46 year old female and living with a 24 year old. They have been together for over a year and they get along great. I think its weird and so does everyone else but they don't care. Sometimes age differences in relationships work out I'm afraid. Link to comment
SadAndy Posted April 22, 2010 Author Share Posted April 22, 2010 yes, you are right. Andy - while the whole situation sucks, i would just work on accepting it and move on. maybe you can still have some contact with your daughter (or step-daughter) but i would really try not to think about your ex and her new bf. it's too hard to tell at this stage if they will work out or not. but, it's not your business anymore. sorry. yes I know you're right but its still early days and I am so raw with anger/jealousy and frustration at how perfect its all worked out for her. I'm really just trying to gauge peoples views on the mortgage element, does this all sound right so early on. Can a 21yr old really know what he wants long term? I will get through this but like I said, its early days so forgive me if i'm getting boring! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 22, 2010 Share Posted April 22, 2010 I would just worry about the welfare of your daughter. That is what you have to concern yourself with. Link to comment
MD Geist Posted April 22, 2010 Share Posted April 22, 2010 i disagree with MD geist, i don't see any indication that this guy is a loser I give him a couple of years. Relationships like this do not work especially when there is kids involved, I do not see any success for the future. Link to comment
annie24 Posted April 22, 2010 Share Posted April 22, 2010 I have a 30 year mortgage and don't intend to live here 30 years. I will sell next year (after living here for 5 years). that's pretty common. i guess time will tell. without knowing him and her and what their relationship is like, it's really impossible to tell if they will make it or not. statistically speaking, the odds aren't in their favor, but we are dealing with 2 people, not statistics. Link to comment
SadAndy Posted April 22, 2010 Author Share Posted April 22, 2010 I appreciate that it is possible to move etc with a mortgage but the level of commitment so soon surprises me. Should they split, he will be unable to force my ex to move as our daugther will live there. (she is currently 8). It sounds to me more like 'ideal' thinking. I am concerned about my daughters future but I suppose what i am really after is to be told that it wont work and she will regret dumping me and be as unhappy as i am at the moment. Selfish and small minded i know! I know that no-one can give me the answer and 'time will tell' but it just hurts like hell at the moment! Link to comment
Tanzi Posted April 22, 2010 Share Posted April 22, 2010 Its these types of posts that contrubutes to my tainted view towards women. They want a man but in the end they will end up settling for some boy who has nothing going for them.](*,) I swear you can be a loser and still be successful in the world of dating and relationships. She's dumb and just totally set herself up for failure, you should be focused on you and your daughter man. Cause in about 5 years from now those two will be flat broke living in povertity while you will probably be the one who will hit the jackpot somewhere down the line. Wow such generalisation and very harsh! My boyfriend is 15 years younger than me. I most certainly am not dumb ... cautious maybe but not dumb ... I thank you for your confidence. SadAndy, when any new relationship starts, regardless of age differences or the lead up to it, there are no guarantees that it will last but there are also no guarantees that it will end either. I can appreciate that the age difference could become an issue later and could work against them in the end but it may well work for them in that it may bring them closer. You say he isn't like other 21 year olds so who knows. When relationships start intensely then it is more likely to be infatuation but it could turn into real love ... or it could end as quickly as it started. Its a difficult question to answer as no-one, not even your ex and her new boyfriend, can really know how things are going to pan out in the future. It could end next month, next year, in several years, it may never end ... the point is she has already had two affairs so now would be a good time for you to try to focus on yourself and moving on instead of on whether their relationship will work or not. They seem to be moving on with their lives regardless, you don't really want to be hanging around waiting for it to end di you? I know it is hard but there is happiness out there for you. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted April 22, 2010 Share Posted April 22, 2010 I appreciate that it is possible to move etc with a mortgage but the level of commitment so soon surprises me. Should they split, he will be unable to force my ex to move as our daugther will live there. (she is currently 8). It sounds to me more like 'ideal' thinking. I am concerned about my daughters future but I suppose what i am really after is to be told that it wont work and she will regret dumping me and be as unhappy as i am at the moment. Selfish and small minded i know! I know that no-one can give me the answer and 'time will tell' but it just hurts like hell at the moment! I hear what you are saying and I totally understand. I have been there. You are not being selfish and small minded, you are hurting and what you are feeling is perfectly normal. My husband left me for someone else and it hurt like hell. However, I eventually moved on and I wouldn't go back for anything. Their relationship did end but by the time it did I couldn't care less. The point I'm trying to make is that there must have already been something wrong in the marriage for your ex to have had two affairs. This young guy could be acting way too quickly and be making a big mistake but you need to focus on yourself and your daughter and let their lives pan out how destiny intends. You in the meantime can be moving onto something far better. Believe me once you start moving forwards you will start to reep the rewards and will be able to look back and see things for what they really were. You could be the one "hitting the jackpot". Link to comment
XxJustMexX Posted April 22, 2010 Share Posted April 22, 2010 Haven't there already been like three threads about this? I thought that's what ENA is for... to vent and know you're not alone... It gets difficult to keep talking about your feelings and get advice when most people really only reply to the new posts on the front page... Once your post falls off the front page people forget about your post. It's natural to want to start another post and vent some more... Link to comment
SadAndy Posted April 30, 2010 Author Share Posted April 30, 2010 3 months and still its going strong! AAARRGGHH! Its not that i want the ex back, i just don't want her to be happy either! (sad little man syndrome, i'm afraid!) Link to comment
SadAndy Posted May 8, 2010 Author Share Posted May 8, 2010 i saw them together today and i must say that they do look good together. My ex seems genuinely happy and it would appear from what she has said that they get on so well and the fact that he is so much younger is just chance. What my question is this time is assuming they are made for each other and happy in everyway what effect will the age gap have? It will surely have an effect bodily wise (she looks younger than 33 at the moment) and also maturity wise (she is trying to act younger which is a bit embarassing at times, whilst he has a 'mature' outlook). They are dead serious at the moment as he is taking out a large mortgage already and they are very much in the honeymoon stage. What could go wrong to change this? For my part I really want this to explode but at the moment it looks perfect. I guess any relationship 12wks in would look like true love but i'm just wondering what 'external' factors out of their control might play a part in de-railing them. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted May 8, 2010 Share Posted May 8, 2010 Dude, you need to stop fixating on their relationship. Just, stop...it's NOT making yourself feel any better, trust me. Whether or not they last is really irrelevant to you. You need to move on and find our own happiness and just forget about her. Link to comment
annie24 Posted May 8, 2010 Share Posted May 8, 2010 Dude, you need to stop fixating on their relationship. Just, stop...it's NOT making yourself feel any better, trust me. Whether or not they last is really irrelevant to you. You need to move on and find our own happiness and just forget about her. yes, i agree 100%. Link to comment
SadAndy Posted May 8, 2010 Author Share Posted May 8, 2010 easier said than done. 14yrs was a long time! Just wondering out of interest really. My thoughts about her/them will never just disappear how ever much I would like them to. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted May 8, 2010 Share Posted May 8, 2010 I'm not denying that 14 years is a long time...that is indeed a long time. My boyfriend was married before he met me to a woman for at least 13 years, but now, he really is over her (they didn't have kids either) and he is fully with me. See? It's possible to get over it. Your feelings/thoughts about her may not "disappear"...but obsessing over things is going to make it worse. You want to move on so that you can still think about her ONCE in a while and not get emotional. Link to comment
orillia Posted May 25, 2010 Share Posted May 25, 2010 I'm sorry you're going thru this. As for "her body deteriorating", no one says it has to go down like that. I'm 42, and I dated a guy 17 yrs my junior for 2 yrs. People say I look his age, because I never smoked, never went out in the sun, and maintained myself. Now I'm seeing a guy who's 29. Nobody looks twice. True, these types of rel'ships can have big challenges, as do rel'ships where the MAN is the older one. I've heard stories of 20-something women leaving their 50-something husbands as they got older and more frail...it happens. I think that, like someone else, said, sadly, you just need to move on. Try not to think about her so much or be concerned what she is doing. Link to comment
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