Starting a relationship before starting your career?

[brahman]

I have a lot of goals in life and through the course of the last girlfriend I stopped everything I was going for. I went back and achieved a couple of them, but really only did so because I wanted to before her. I had changed in personality, so all those old goals just didn't mean anything to me any more.

 

I have new life goals now, and the things I want in life are a little out there. I know that the next serious relationship I jump into will have to have lots of support. Lots of emotional support in going after the crazy things in life, and I don't know how to guide a partner into something like that. Usually the questions I get on dates go like this, "So what are your goals in life?" then "My answer," and there response, "Doesn't like nobody succeed at that, isn't that risky and unlikely to work," then my answer again "Yes, but it's what I want in life, and besides a relationship, it's all I think about", this is usually when I get eyes rolling.

 

I honestly don't think there is an answer here for me, I think that either the girl will be supportive or won't, but I was hoping I was wrong, anybody care to brighten my day?

[Xylitol]

You should arrange your life first before you invite anyone into it, you can't bring a lady into a damaged household, or poverty because you don't have a good job.

 

Meaning

 

First you have to be able to provide, next you have to maintain your relationship. It goes into that order. Survival comes first. You need to secure your future first even tho your body gives you the idea that you are ready for a relationship , you clearly are not. Do what is right in life, not what your body wants you to do.

[_Asti_]

If you have a tendency to 'lose yourself' in a relationship, then perhaps it is best to just focus on yourself and your personal goals...worry about dating once you're in a position to do so without interference with personal goals.

 

When I started my current relationship [i was 18..he was 23], we made it clear that our personal goals career wise and schooling wise came first. The relationship was important, but the #1 [ourselves] was the most important, and in the long run, personal success would lead to better relationship satisifaction.

 

We sacrficied alot over the years in our relationship for our personal goals, but the committment to each other and the relationship kept things going because we knew where the real priority was.

 

Now we are two both successful individuals with alot going for us, and couldn't be prouder and happier for each other and to have known we were there for each other through it all.

[lavenderdove]

You don't say what the career is here, but unless it is an arctic explorer i don't see why you can't have a relationship as well.

 

But some women have other goals, just like you have your own goals. For example, if you want to become an actor and live as a starving waiter while doing so, plenty of women just won't want that lifestyle of tagging along for the ride while you're working odd hours and chasing fame and stardom. But some other girl with her own stable career and not expecting a man to provide most of the income would be fine with it.

 

So if you want to do an unusual or atypical career, plenty of women won't want it, but there will be some women who do. So it's not an either/or thing, just recognize that if you are in a high risk field and a woman wants a stable life where the man is the provider, then that woman won't want you. But there are plenty of women who support themselves and won't care about that too.

[annie24]

yes, i agree with you. for many women, it's not important that a man is established in his career before dating.

[mandyc]

I mean it depends, your goals don't have to be "realistic" but your methods of going about attaining them do. For example I have a friend who recently told me she was very unhappy with her life and career. She then said she wants to work for a trust fund and make millions a year, but she won't go back to school because she can't stand it. It is kind of hard to be supportive in that situaion because she says she want this (seemingly impossible and quite specific) job, yet she isn't is willing to do the things the would help her get there. She said she would start as a secretary, learn the ropes, and move her way up. I mean how realistic is that when her degree is in the arts?

 

But I do agree that it is very, very important to find a partner who is supportive of your goals and dreams. My boyfriend isn't happy with what he is doing right now and is thinking about quitting his job, and going back to school for something completely different. And I think that is wonderful, I think he should do something he is passionate about. Will it be a little stressful? Yes, but I love him and want him to do what makes him happy.

 

So for all that, I guess my point is maybe if you explain your plan, or how you are going to go about achieving such things then people would be more understanding/ supportive. The other option is just to not discuss things like goals and life dreams on the first date. Keep the first date light and fun and discuss more serious subjects later on when that person has a better idea of who you are and understands why you have the goals you do, they are more likely to be supportive then.

[OntheWire]

One problem with careers is they're somewhat of a modern invention. At least the idea behind what they mean and what they're suppose to entail is modern, if not the actions themselves. But regardless of viewpoint, it's evident that it often takes a lot longer in modern times to reach levels of proficiency in many of the work specialties available. A couple hundred years ago, it didn't take anyone until 30 years old to finally get started. In fact, 30 wasn't an uncommon life expectancy.

 

Our knowledge has extended preparation times, but our biology still wants to start shagging when the clock strikes. They're definitely at odds with each other.

 

I personally think it's good to become fully established before getting into a relationship. But unfortunately it's not very realistic anymore. I think the best a man (since a man asked) can do is try to be a man of his word in regards to the path he's set before himself. If you've got goals to make it in a certain endeavor, promise yourself to stick to it no matter what. And if a woman comes along that throws a wrench in the works, then you really have to have the mental discipline and integrity to accept she's not the right person for you. Don't let your emotions dictate your life because that's just a recipe for unhappiness.

 

Also, if your career goals are particularly unorthodox, then I would suggest being very careful how you share them with other people. Don't tell a girl on the second date your plans to become a famous rock musician. Just tell her you like creating music and it's something you enjoy in your spare time. If she asks what you want to do with your life, spin it as something practical like teaching music to kids. You could say, "Well, I'm waiting tables now to make ends, but eventually could see myself working with kids as a music teacher." This makes you sound like someone that's grounded and realistic, which is what women want to hear.

 

Remember, the number of people you tell about your dreams isn't going to be the deciding factor in them coming true. Your work ethic and creativity and motive are going to determine that. So just let the dreams be your own little secret.

[brahman]

Well thank you all for your input. I do think it would be hard to hold off on talking about my future because I am asked about it directly on the first date. But I am doing it in a realistic fashion, doing exactly what the pro's say I should be doing. In the end I suppose I just need to keep on going, still confused all around. I do get the feeling that I will have to hold off on anything serious until I can have an income I can live off of, other than my current job that is.

 

Later all, thanks for help.