I'm legally married to a Transgendered Person.

[xactly as i am]

I'm 36 years old, my husband is 53. He has been transgender for over 15 years. Obviously, he was born a she, was married to a male for 16 years & had 3 (now grown) children. He went through a "gay" phase of life briefly before beginning his transformation into male, now complete. I have always identified as a (femme) lesbian, out & proud, no children. Meaning, I am physically attracted to women, as is he.

 

My dilemma is this:

I'm attracted to women, he is obviously 100% male in appearance. Also, he prefers no one to know & though I understand that completely, I feel jilted and pushed into a closet. If I'm out & proud, as I always was, his secret gets put "out there". Out of respect for him, I hide my sexuality, we even relocated to another state so he wouldn't have to deal with the people who knew him prior. I feel, incomplete not being able to be who I am out in public. I fight the urge to scream it. I always had a sense of pride when I was out with any of my ex girlfriends. I don't have that anymore. I know that I'm much more than my sexual orientation but I'd be lying if I said it's not a big part of who I am.

 

How can I deal with this in such a way that I don't feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick? Yes, I knew what I was getting into but didn't he? Is it fair that I'm the only one having to compromise?

[mgirl]

Oh xactly, Can you please make your font bigger?

 

I'm not sure what you mean about "out". You are married, surely you walk down the street holding hands? Or do you mean "out" as in, not witholding that you are a lesbian and that he is transgendered? Would this be on a "needs to know" basis, for eg, if you were asked? Or, do you feel like telling everyone unprompted?

[Capricorn3]

Please forgive my ignorance, but if you have always identified as a lesbian, and are attracted to women, then why did you marry him (essentially a man)??

[jengh]

I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation... I understand that you're very proud of your sexuality, as you should be... and it's your right to be out, in public and anywhere else you choose. However, he also has the same right. You can't force him to come out to the world. I've found that transgendered people are treated a lot differently than gay people, and he's probably really worried about the ramifications of being out. Is he proud of who he is?

 

Have you considered counseling to help you deal with your emotions? I'm assuming he's undergone quite a bit of therapy, or am I wrong?

 

Are you still attracted to him? It seems like you're not as proud of being his wife as you were with your girlfriends.

[greywolf]

Please forgive my ignorance, but if you have always identified as a lesbian, and are attracted to women, then why did you marry him (essentially a man)??

 

I was wondering about that too. Wouldn't that make you bisexual?

 

I think a lot of same sex couples have this problem. One is more 'closeted' than the other and the 'out' person can feel restrained when it comes to expressing themselves. I think this is just something that you'll have to accept. =/

[xactly as i am]

Please forgive my ignorance, but if you have always identified as a lesbian, and are attracted to women, then why did you marry him (essentially a man)??

 

Sorry about the size. Yes, I meant out as in out of the closet. I married him because I truly do care for him as a person. Gender aside. He's a sincere person that deserved to be loved like any other. I knew that it'd come with some difficulties but after 5 years of living together & 1.5 of marriage, things still haven't worked themselves out. I've done all I can to be supportive. I've never lived on an as needed to know basis. It's always just been common knowledge that I'm gay & I like that but it's gone.

Maybe I'm just being immature about it but I do feel like I'm living in the closet. It's not a pleasant feeling either.

 

[jengh]

Sorry about the size. Yes, I meant out as in out of the closet. I married him because I truly do care for him as a person. Gender aside. He's a sincere person that deserved to be loved like any other. I knew that it'd come with some difficulties but after 5 years of living together & 1.5 of marriage, things still haven't worked themselves out. I've done all I can to be supportive. I've never lived on an as needed to know basis. It's always just been common knowledge that I'm gay & I like that but it's gone.

Maybe I'm just being immature about it but I do feel like I'm living in the closet. It's not a pleasant feeling either.

 

 

I may be very wrong here, but from your wording it makes it sound like you married him because you felt like no one else would. Are you in love with him still?

[Capricorn3]

Was he aware that you are lesbian when you married, or did that only come out later?

[rosephase]

Sorry about the size. Yes, I meant out as in out of the closet. I married him because I truly do care for him as a person. Gender aside. He's a sincere person that deserved to be loved like any other. I knew that it'd come with some difficulties but after 5 years of living together & 1.5 of marriage, things still haven't worked themselves out. I've done all I can to be supportive. I've never lived on an as needed to know basis. It's always just been common knowledge that I'm gay & I like that but it's gone.

Maybe I'm just being immature about it but I do feel like I'm living in the closet. It's not a pleasant feeling either.

 

 

What does he say when you talk to him about it?

[xactly as i am]

I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation... I understand that you're very proud of your sexuality, as you should be... and it's your right to be out, in public and anywhere else you choose. However, he also has the same right. You can't force him to come out to the world. I've found that transgendered people are treated a lot differently than gay people, and he's probably really worried about the ramifications of being out. Is he proud of who he is?

 

Have you considered counseling to help you deal with your emotions? I'm assuming he's undergone quite a bit of therapy, or am I wrong?

 

Are you still attracted to him? It seems like you're not as proud of being his wife as you were with your girlfriends.

 

You're exactly right, he does have the same right & I respect that to the utmost. I'm just feeling a little cheated out of being able to be my entire self too. Transgendered people are treated a lot different by society in general, even among gay people! He's not proud of who he is. His choice is to be considered male and nothing more. He even denies being his children's mother so no one will ask questions. I've asked for counseling but he refuses to share his secret with anyone. As dangerous as it is, his medical doctor doesn't even know. He gets very defensive even with me. He accuses me of getting some sick thrill out of telling anyone. Which isn't true. I want to always respect his privacy, I care for him but where do I fit into all of this? The question about being proud to be his wife really has me thinking...wow. I never thought of that.

[karvala]

Sorry about the size. Yes, I meant out as in out of the closet. I married him because I truly do care for him as a person. Gender aside. He's a sincere person that deserved to be loved like any other. I knew that it'd come with some difficulties but after 5 years of living together & 1.5 of marriage, things still haven't worked themselves out. I've done all I can to be supportive. I've never lived on an as needed to know basis. It's always just been common knowledge that I'm gay & I like that but it's gone.

Maybe I'm just being immature about it but I do feel like I'm living in the closet. It's not a pleasant feeling either.

 

 

I think it's pretty clear from the above that you shouldn't have married him. You're attracted to women, he's not a woman. That's not going to change, unfortunately, and as nice a guy as he is, and no matter how much you want someone to love him, clearly that person isn't going to be you. I really don't see any solution here other than divorce, to be honest. What else could possibly resolve the situation? Even if he were "out" as a transgender individual, that wouldn't stop him being a man, looking like a man and wanting to be treated like a man, all of which fundamentally contradict your identity as a lesbian. I wish I could tell you something positive here, but honestly, I can't see any way forward for the two of you other than divorce.

[xactly as i am]

What does he say when you talk to him about it?

 

He says I have the option of being myself too. I wear my rainbows and still go to gay bars but if anyone asks him why, he just says that I like rainbows or I'm just hanging out with my gay best friend. That doesn't feel like I get the same respect that I give.

[rosephase]

I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend. I know we are not even close to in the same boat but when I'm out with my boyfriend I sometimes feel shame at not appearing * * * * * enough.

 

Being gay is a part of who you are. Are there other ways you can express it? Do you have gay friends in your new city? Is there a trans community?

[xactly as i am]

I may be very wrong here, but from your wording it makes it sound like you married him because you felt like no one else would. Are you in love with him still?

 

I love him, yes. In love, I'm not sure but I'm more than willing to work on our marriage. And to the one that asked if he knew I was a lesbian; Yes, he was very aware.

[jengh]

That's very sad to me. I'm a straight(ish) woman so I have absolutely no idea what it must be like for you and my heart truly goes out to both of you. He needs to get some help for this. What about transgender support groups where he can meet more people in the same situation?

 

Of course you're not getting some sick thrill out of this. That's a pretty hefty accusation to make of you. Wow.

 

I think you absolutely have every right to be yourself and it is unfair to you that you can't, however, you married him knowing he wasn't proud of who he is... Did he make any promises to you before you got married that he would be "out"?

[veneratio]

I guess maybe I don't understand, but wouldn't him being "out" defeat the purpose of all that he's done to change himself? Don't think that's really fair to him. But it's also your right to be out and feel comfortable. I don't really see a middle ground here..

[rosephase]

He says I have the option of being myself too. I wear my rainbows and still go to gay bars but if anyone asks him why, he just says that I like rainbows or I'm just hanging out with my gay best friend. That doesn't feel like I get the same respect that I give.

 

How often do people ask him why his wife goes to gay bars? Did you guys move to the middle of no where?

 

You want to appear gay. He wants to appear straight. That is hard to deal with. But I KNOW there are other women out there dealing with that. I know a few here in Seattle. There must be support groups. Have you looked?

[xactly as i am]

I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend. I know we are not even close to in the same boat but when I'm out with my boyfriend I sometimes feel shame at not appearing * * * * * enough.

 

Being gay is a part of who you are. Are there other ways you can express it? Do you have gay friends in your new city? Is there a trans community?

 

I understand how you feel. I was once in that situation also, lol. Other than living out my truth, I don't see how else I could express or if some other way would be enough. I had one gay friend here but she moved away and no one else that I talk with knows. There is not a trans community that I know of. There's not even a gay pride in this city, lol

[xactly as i am]

Yes, him being out would defeat his purpose and as I said several times, I do not pressure him about that. I totally understand and respect his privacy. I'm his wife, not his enemy. I think we need some type of counseling also but he refuses. Honestly, I've never been able to see a middle ground either. I thought maybe someone here could see or suggest something I was never able to.

[rosephase]

Yes, him being out would defeat his purpose and as I said several times, I do not pressure him about that. I totally understand and respect his privacy. I'm his wife, not his enemy. I think we need some type of counseling also but he refuses. Honestly, I've never been able to see a middle ground either. I thought maybe someone here could see or suggest something I was never able to.

 

Why does he say is the reason for refusing counseling?

[greywolf]

hmmm... how does his medical doctor not know? I know that they have phalloplasty, but does it look exactly like a real penis? forgive my ignorance...

[Carnatic]

I know it has to be dealt with sensitively, but it sounds like you've made some big sacrifices for him. Moving state, marrying him instead of marrying the girl you'll eventually fall in love with and you need to let him know how you feel... that it isn't fair on you. Encourage him to seek support.

 

Also, hopefully you can encourage him to resume contact with his children, if he can just be proud of who he is then he should also be proud of who he has been in the past and the fact he has given birth to children, he needs to accept this just as much as he needs to accept who he is now.

 

Accepting who he is and who he was isn't the same as being out. He can do that but still not tell everyone he used to be a female.

[xactly as i am]

Thanks everyone. Some good advice, some not so good but nevertheless, I thank everyone for their input. I've read through them all.