ex girlfriend still has feelings

[spazmy]

It has been a long time since I wrote here. Many years ago, about three and a half years to be precise, my ex girlfriend dumped me and went into a relationship with another guy. She had serious depression problems at the time and it was rather difficult for her. It took me years to get over the loss, in which time I also developed rebound feelings for her friend. However, over time, I got over that as well. In the meanwhile, my ex went on into a live in relationship with the new guy. They, sadly, broke up about a year ago. In the meanwhile, my ex put on a lot of weight -- something I never understood. This left me with lot of questions about her health -- and I spent a lot of time thinking that maybe it is her depression that has made her borderline obese. At any rate, about a month ago, I saw her at the workplace (we share the same workplace). She was clearly not well. And even though I had completely gotten over her, I asked her how she was doing, encouraging her to get well. This led to a small dinner with her, where we were able to air our views on the difficulty of the breakup and how life had panned out etc. etc. During this conversation, she expressed how she still had some feelings. I made it clear that I have no interest in her, and was merely with her to help her through what looked like a tough patch. At any rate, she refused to take this message, and for a few weeks kept sending me messages saying how something or the other reminded her of me. It turns out that she was also visiting some of my facebook group pages, observing what I had been writing there. One day, upon recieving a mail from her indicating that she was thinking about me, I wrote back saying how we should not stay in touch simply because the past was too painful and we should move on. She wrote back a really angry mail saying that she is "used to being rejected by me." I wrote back saying how she has no right to say such things, given how she left me for another man. Also, I told her that some things are in the past and cannot completely be mended, ending the mail by saying that we should not stay in touch ever, and should move on.

 

I have no confusion about things in my mind. But I do feel horrible about how things turned out for her. I had no part to play in the state that she is in right now. Clearly, she needs help. And somehow she takes me as a reminder of how things went south for her, when really, the decision to leave me was her's.

 

My question is did I do the right thing in cutting all contact? I have never been in a relationship again after the break-up and after developing rebound feelings for her friend, which I am now over. I just don't understand how people forget the past so easily, and somehow romanticize others in the present, without bearing in mind how much pain they caused them in the past. I believe she thinks I caused her great pain in the past. On the other hand, I believe that she, thoughtlessly, caused me pain.

 

It seems there can be no way that we can both forgive each other, and in her case, forget the other, to move on without any pain.

 

It sucks

[spazmy]

Do write in to let me know what is the most humane way of proceeding in such a situation. To some degree, I feel that it is important that she develops a strong sense of dislike towards me, so as to move on. Perverse as this might sound, it seems that antagonism towards me will help her to regain herself, and not foolishly keep pursuing men like this. On the other hand, I also feel bad that she has been neglecting her health.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She wrote back a really angry mail saying that she is "used to being rejected by me."

 

When you were together how was the relationship? Were you attentive to her during the relationship or did you take her for granted? I remember your story but I don't remember what actually took place within your relationship prior to her dumping you for someone else. Sure some people have revisionist history where they totally gloss over what they did and completely blame the other person, or twist things around so that their rotten actions become the rotten actions of the ex. So, she could be suffering from a case of revisionist history, or she could indeed be telling the truth that she constantly felt rejected by you during the relationship.

[DN]

I don't think you are in a position to be able to help her at all. She is clearly depressed and she needs professional help for that.

[spazmy]

Hi Crazyaboutdogs

 

While we were in the relationship, I certainly admit that there were grounds for her to feel rejected. On many occasions, I would fight with her with regards to a possessive advisor, whom she was working with at the time, saying that she needs to figure out her priorities. Moreover, she also felt rejected by my parents, on a brief visit to my home country. And so, yes, there is some truth to her feeling rejected by me again, this time round.

 

However, in my defense, I will say the following. I often questioned the integrity of her investment in our relationship because of how she placed so much emphasis upon her work and her mentor at the time. He would call late at night, 2:00 in the morning. And she would willingly take his calls. She was wonderful in most other aspects, but on this one issue, she left no room for negotiation.

 

With regards to my parents rejecting her. They did not outright reject her. They were simply cold towards her. And this too was for a reason. Since the girl was an American, they felt somehow that she would take me away from them. Also, they were going through the trauma of the loss of their own parents at the time. In addition, she met them for but three days in my home country.

 

So all in all, the sense of loss and rejection was there for her in the relationship. However, she just was not the kind of person who communicated properly. Instead of seeking counseling, or waiting for me to return to the US from my home country, she simply dumped me and went into another relationship.

 

This was more than I could handle. And now that I have recovered from being left and rejected, I can, to some degree empathize with her. However, I cannot be her saviour. I am not willing to rebuild a relationship with her, where she is not willing to concede to the fact that she had absolutely and totally rejected me by entering into a relationship with another man. In fact, the two of them had a live-in relationship, less than two months after the dumping. Moreover, I knew this person as well.

 

The problem is, she places too much importance upon the men in her life, myself included. She left her former husband to be with me. She left me to be with another man. This was the reason I could not bring myself to trust her.

 

Although, admittedly, she may have improved or changed as a person. It has been so long and she has been single for a year. Just that I do not have the financial or emotional equipment to lead her through any difficulties she may be facing mentally or physically. At the same time, I do care for her. And seeing her suffer, and at this time pine away like this, is kind of wrenching.

 

How to be humane, and at the same time, protect oneself from hurt or pain?

 

Do you see what I am saying?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Given the fact that she bounces from one man to the next, it may not necessarily be that she misses you..but that she misses having a man so she reached out to you in order to rekindle something so that she won't have to be alone. Best that you stay away. She needs to sort herself out, you can't do that for her.

[jettison]

Agree with the others. Her disposition is not your place. As an adult, she is going to have to learn to rely on friends, family, and perhaps a therapist to get her through this. Your input can only hinder.

[spazmy]

Thanks jettison , crazyaboutdogs and DN. I am going to follow your advice. Her inability to process what she says and does is not something I can fathom. She does need help, and anything I say or do in this matter seems to only make matters worse. I should keep distance from her. She needs help. Admittedly, it is difficult for me not to feel guilty though, that I cannot do anything to genuinely help her. Still, it is her life -- and she needs to take help on a few matters. And I should no more be the person telling her to take help.

 

Makes me feel really sad. Perhaps it is just not possible to simply be friends with an ex without one side thinking of a deeper bond.