Girls: Is a 27 year old virgin male who has never kissed a girl attractive to you?

[intolerable]

To the OP:

 

No, not at all. For all I know the guy's a natural in bed.

[Ms Darcy]

The original question: How would you know you could handle a relationship when you haven't had one?

 

I posted that it was a straightforward question.

 

One poster's response:

It's also a pretty asinine one. It implies he doesn't deserve a relationship because he hasn't been in one.

 

Let's go back to the original trail of questions to see where that question came from.

If you were dating someone and you found out he had never been with someone else, would you drop him?

 

One response:

I wouldn't do it because I have had a lot of experience in LTRs, casual flings, one night stands, FWB. Most likely he wouldn't be able to "manage" me in the slightest. Someone with little experience needs a more shy and "nice" girl.

 

OP indicates that this is a common response he hears and states:

Quirky, what exactly do you mean by 'handle you'?

 

I've seen this posted as a reason before, and I just don't understand it. There are millions of jerks and a**holes who have had tons of girlfriends and sexual partners, it doesn't make them any more better at handling a relationship.

 

I'm family oriented, I love kids, and even though I'm shy, I open up once you get to know me. I have friends who I've been friends with since middle school and high school, and I still get in touch with them. People generally seem to like me.

 

My problem is that whenever a girl shows interest in me, I tend to 'run away.' And forget making the first move...I get nervous enough when she makes the first move! I realize that this is a problem that I need to solve, if I ever want to be in a relationship with a girl, but if I got to know her, I'm pretty sure that I'd stop being scared. Therefore, I could "handle" a relationship.

 

Does it really make me 'damaged' or 'broken' because I haven't had a first love yet?

 

The question implied in that posters answer was, how are you going to be able to deal with my experience - be it sexual and otherwise? So, I'm asking the direct question that underpins the reasons those girls are giving him.

How do you know you can handle a relationship when you haven't had one?

 

Interestingly, the OP addressed it with another question.

Are you saying that the examples I gave (jerks that move from girlfriend to girlfriend) can handle a relationship? There has to be some reason why they're not in steady relationships.

 

The post elaborated with personal experiences about challenges in a relationship.

I am certain you can handle a relationship, it's something that we all learn anyway in the process, noone is born knowing it.

 

What I meant was purely on a personal level. 2 out of the 5 LTRs I had was with guys much less experienced than me; 1 guy had one relationship before me and the other one had none. I felt ahead of them in many areas, assertiveness included. The other 2 were relationships with lots of sexual difficulties. On a subconscious level I fear that I might face difficulties in sex with someone who is inexperienced and I don't want to risk reliving that.

 

Personality wise I am a little intense and someone too shy or not assertive cannot put me in my place or talk back to me with conviction, they are often afraid of hurting me.

 

If the OP does not have experience and he is finding women who say that they don't want to date someone who doesn't have experience, we should think about why they would say that. I think the question becomes, how do I know you can 'handle me' or satisfy my needs if you don't have a relationship?

 

I think it does the OP a disservice to get defensive and to not to directly ask that question. Instead of dodging it, I think it would be useful to take it on, to admit some things he's needed to work on, to note his areas of improvement and demonstrate communication skills that would help a relationship.

 

In the beginning of my relationship, I asked my partner why was divorced. He answered openly and honestly with a lot of maturity and self-awareness. If he had taken my curiosity as a challenge, I would have detected bitterness and moved on. The women you are interested in are asking you these questions. Why not think about communicating the answers?

[LightbulbSun]

Ms. Darcy, none of the women I've been interested in know I'm a virgin. These are responses I've gotten from women on message forums, both here and at PlentyOfFish. Mostly at PoF.

 

I don't reveal that I'm a virgin in real life. Even when people discuss virginity, I stay silent. What usually happens is that the girl I'm interested in either:

 

A.) Goes after me, and I get scared and run away, and she thinks I'm not interested

B.) Drops the "boyfriend bomb"

C.) Says "You're so nice, but let's just stay friends." So I'm too "nice" to be in a relationship.

 

Obviously, A is something I need to work on. B, I need to stop going after girls with boyfriends. C, I need to stop being so passive.

 

It has nothing at all to do with being a virgin. For all these women know, I've had a girlfriend already. The reason why I posted this question is I'm insecure about it, and I wonder if, if I revealed it, I would be setting myself up for awkward questions and/or being dropped as a possibility, based upon the responses here and at PoF. That's all.

[Capricorn3]

A.) Goes after me, and I get scared and run away, and she thinks I'm not interested.

I think the only thing in all of this that needs working on is the above. Obviously if you keep running away when anyone shows interest in you, a relationship will never happen for you.

 

What exactly scares you off? Just trying to understand, especially when they DO show interest, I would have thought it would make it easier for you, no?

[LightbulbSun]

I think the only thing in all of this that needs working on is the above. Obviously if you keep running away when anyone shows interest in you, a relationship will never happen for you.

 

What exactly scares you off? Just trying to understand, especially when they DO show interest, I would have thought it would make it easier for you, no?

 

Well, if I find them attractive, I tend to get nervous because...I find them attractive! Kind of ties into me being loveshy and having social anxiety disorder.

 

It would be easy if I didn't find them attractive, but then I wouldn't want to date them, so I'd reject them. I've been in that situation, with rejecting girls before that I didn't find attractive.

[Bella20]

No, I'd love it.

[Capricorn3]

Well, if I find them attractive, I tend to get nervous because...I find them attractive! Kind of ties into me being loveshy and having social anxiety disorder. .

Man, that is a problem and I'm not sure how you'll ever solve it - other than therapy/counselling for anxiety disorder? I dunno.

 

The only other thing I can suggest is that you treat females as you would a male - meaning, they are not any different to your male friends and if you can talk to your male friends, then you do the exact same thing with a female. In your head you "pretend" it's just another guy you're talking to (if that makes any sense). They won't bite you and are just the same as you are - human.

[anya1607307555]

Fear of failure?

 

The attractive girls are too high risk, if you back away you can tell yourself it doesn't matter because you didn't try (and delude yourself that if you did, you might have succeeded). With the (low risk) girls you are not attracted to, if rejected, you can convince yourself you didn't want them anyway.

[EQIQ]

Hey man, I am 22 same boat (true by choice, want that special girl to be first everything relax its all cool. Girls are just like everybody else, treat them like they are no better and they will treat you like you are no worse.

[Cognitive_Canine]

The only way to get over your anxiety is to improve on yourself and to practice. If you feel more confident in yourself, these women will not intimidate you. And, practice is pretty self explanatory. But, you have to learn from your mistakes.

 

Realize that these pretty girls are having dating problems too. They are just as nervous as you are. You know the idea of visualizing everyone naked when you give a speech in front of many? It's that sort of principle. View these women as insecure and uncertain (which they most likely are. Everyone is insecure to some degree) and it won't be so tough.

[Organs]

I find it interesting in all the research you did in the thread that you failed to mention the others who objected to your question. But I digress.

 

Ms. Darcy, I understand you're trying to ask an honest question and see how he answers it. But your logic implies that a man who is a virgin in his late 20s just doesn't have the experience to be with a woman with even an average sexual history. Which in turn implies that if he's still a virgin, then he would be an inadequate partner for most women who are sexually experienced. And that is asinine.

 

I lost mine at 24 (and I've stated numerous times how I lost it). My first was six years older than me and had been in a number of relationships in high school, college, and post college.

 

When we finally did the deed, I made her come four times. This was my very first sexual experience.

 

How did I do that? Well, I did research. I read essays and documents about where the g-spot is, how to perform cunnilingus, what to do with breasts, other erogenous zones and how to use them, etc. Even if I didn't do this research, I probably would've still performed well because I go out of my way to please my partner.

 

Which is to say, if someone IS good in bed, it's not necessarily because he's had a lot of sex in the past. It might just be his personality and how he approaches sex.

[Organs]

Well, if I find them attractive, I tend to get nervous because...I find them attractive! Kind of ties into me being loveshy and having social anxiety disorder.

 

It would be easy if I didn't find them attractive, but then I wouldn't want to date them, so I'd reject them. I've been in that situation, with rejecting girls before that I didn't find attractive.

 

I'll say this: at some point, you may realize that the pain of uncertainty will be worse than the pain of rejection. In other words, it's worse to wonder, what if she'd like me? What if I made the approach? What if (so on so forth)? ...than to be told "Sorry, not interested". If that happens, you can say "Well, screw you, b----". But not out loud.

 

The key is to adopt a perspective where you can just say, okay, that's another card turned over; next!

[jdogg]

If anybody would say they would drop a guy just because he has no experience at 27, aren't they saying that unless a guy gets experience by 27, he never will?

[Jayauntae F.]

i remember when i was 19 and i told my GF that she loved it and didn't mind....probaly beacuse she knew damn well i was confident and even though i haden't had sex i still told her i'd wear her " behind" out and she won't be able to go to work the next day

[LightbulbSun]

I'll say this: at some point, you may realize that the pain of uncertainty will be worse than the pain of rejection. In other words, it's worse to wonder, what if she'd like me? What if I made the approach? What if (so on so forth)? ...than to be told "Sorry, not interested". If that happens, you can say "Well, screw you, b----". But not out loud.

 

The key is to adopt a perspective where you can just say, okay, that's another card turned over; next!

 

I think the pain of uncertainty is getting to the point where I'd rather just say, "Screw it," and ask the girl out. I'm through with being afraid of rejection.

[Jayauntae F.]

I think the pain of uncertainty is getting to the point where I'd rather just say, "Screw it," and ask the girl out. I'm through with being afraid of rejection.

 

WHOOOOOOOOOOOO high five brother!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

don't ever be afraid of being rejected it is a crippling experience trust me i know......just run up to her ask her out, who cares if your a virgin, who cares about any of that, you got swagger, your confident and remember your one of a kind

 

 

hopefully one day you'll be in the same mindset as me

 

"you rejected me? lol well your missing out on something awesome, not me"

 

you go boy!

[LightbulbSun]

I agree. ^ I think my first step was uploading an actual picture of myself. I never did that before, because I was afraid people would find out my personal life on here, but frankly who cares if they do? I'm not ashamed of my virginity; in fact, I'm proud that I have had restraint and kept it this long. And I'm healthy and free of STDs.

 

I regret opening this thread now, because it was a pity fest. I'm feeling a bit more optimistic today, and honestly, it's never too late. Like I said, I have a friend who was 39 when he experienced his first kiss and lost his virginity, and he's married now.

 

It's only society that puts down these rules. Screw society, I say!

[easyguy]

I think the pain of uncertainty is getting to the point where I'd rather just say, "Screw it," and ask the girl out. I'm through with being afraid of rejection.

 

I was rejected/turned down on the first date or before the first date by a dozen or so girls before I met my girlfriend/ex, and I have learned over time how to communicate more effectively, how to tease, how to flirt. You've got to go in for the kill as soon as possible. It's like taking hot food off of a flaming grill. You just got to take care of it quickly without thinking about it or you'll get burnt.

 

A 27 year old virgin male who has never kissed a girl is attractive to someone. You just have to put yourself out there and get shot down again and again until someone embraces you (figuratively). It's always a gamble. And that's going to hold true even when you DO find someone. The relationship itself is also going to be a gamble. It's probably discouraging now to hear that, but if you love yourself and change into the person you want to be (making new friends, changing your clothing style, attitude, et cetera), that won't be on your mind.

 

You will meet someone when you least expect it. It's cliche to say that. But the more you focus on "dating" or "getting a girlfriend", the more pressure you're putting on yourself. Just enjoy life and soak up the goodness around you. A 27 year old virgin male who has never kissed a girl will be unattractive if he is constantly asking himself that question in fear that he will not be good enough.

 

I lost my virginity at 23 (the age I'm at now), and had my first kiss just before my 23rd birthday. Had I not met my girlfriend/ex, a time when getting laid or getting kisses were not something I invested energy into thinking much about, I would have continued on just fine. If you worry about it a lot, you're becoming the problem.

 

My friend, this is out of love, nothing more. Don't take it the wrong way. I'm sure you're really cool. I do you think you will find someone, but you've got to change your mental game for that to happen.

[easyguy]

A lot of the power is in your hands, brother. If you don't like how you look, change it. If you're shy, practice. As friends of mine say, Get 'em.

[Jayauntae F.]

I agree. ^ I think my first step was uploading an actual picture of myself. I never did that before, because I was afraid people would find out my personal life on here, but frankly who cares if they do? I'm not ashamed of my virginity; in fact, I'm proud that I have had restraint and kept it this long. And I'm healthy and free of STDs.

 

I regret opening this thread now, because it was a pity fest. I'm feeling a bit more optimistic today, and honestly, it's never too late. Like I said, I have a friend who was 39 when he experienced his first kiss and lost his virginity, and he's married now.

 

It's only society that puts down these rules. Screw society, I say!

 

damn straight.....screw society............i say why try to be normal when all of us are different?

 

whats different about you? take that and make it shine, i have done it and guess what? i love my life (might hate certain things but overall i love it) i don't have to worry about pleasing anyone or what society says....

 

embrace who you truly are forget what others want you to think, your already there and making heaps of progress enjoy your life man, no pity parties over here

[LightbulbSun]

That makes a lot of sense, and I can really apply it to my own life. It seemed like when I didn't care if I got a girlfriend, tons of girls were flirting with me. Now that I'm so concentrated on 'getting' a girlfriend, it seems like girls avoid me.

 

I just need to get back to the mindset I had before I woke up and realized, "OMG, I'm a XX year old virgin! I'm weird!" Before I had that thought, I didn't think I was weird for being a virgin, and people that knew I was a virgin didn't care.

 

Even my sister says that it's time that I stop being shy, and start making eye contact. She recognizes that I have a problem; I just need to work on it.

[easyguy]

And to be honest, sex isn't that big of a deal (in regard to experiencing it for the sake of experiencing it). When you're a virgin, you have this idea that it's some uber-magical, huge life-changing thing. It feels really good, no doubt, but nothing worth stressing your life out over. And once you have sex, you realize it's 90% mental/psychological.

 

Same with kissing. My ex and I kissed on the first date. It was my very first kiss, right at her doorstep at night (just like the movies!). Again, enjoyable, but you do it enough and it becomes ordinary. Not a whole lot to it. The first time time we kissed, I felt very dizzy. In fact, the first couple times. You just have to laugh it off and not take yourself so seriously. If it helps, there are YouTube videos that give you some kissing tips. Again, though, it's just something that you learn to do well by doing it.

 

If a woman is attracted to you and likes you, then she will be patient. My ex wanted to drag me in for sex after the 3rd date when we kissed goodbye at her doorstep, and I was like, Nuh uh. Not ready yet.. She was cool with that. One thing I didn't think about was carrying around protection, which was in part why I turned her down for sex that night. It's a good thing to have after you've gone on a date or two... just in case.

[YakasJourney]

The whole answer to this dilemma is that your virginity does not define you as a person. Just by existing, you are already an awesome person by definition. However, you do need to look at what you are doing and why it is not working. Mostly this is internal, relating to confidence, self-esteem, etc. I believe the biggest problem is that you THINK you have a problem.

[greywolf]

Unless a 27 year old virgin is waiting for the right one, or is in love with Jebus, I really think that he's gonna be a nervous ball of insecurity that isn't high on confidence.

 

And he sure isn't gonna be calm.

 

There's a difference between being a little nervous about it and being completely insecure. That includes him feeling insecure about the girl's past experience.

[greywolf]

I agree. ^ I think my first step was uploading an actual picture of myself. I never did that before, because I was afraid people would find out my personal life on here, but frankly who cares if they do? I'm not ashamed of my virginity; in fact, I'm proud that I have had restraint and kept it this long. And I'm healthy and free of STDs.

 

I regret opening this thread now, because it was a pity fest. I'm feeling a bit more optimistic today, and honestly, it's never too late. Like I said, I have a friend who was 39 when he experienced his first kiss and lost his virginity, and he's married now.

 

It's only society that puts down these rules. Screw society, I say!

 

I like this mindset.