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So, my ex and I broke up 1.5 years ago. He 55, me 45. He M.D., me pre-med student. I've written about our stuff on here enough so won't repeat it here.




There is a singer who I LOVE to see that has not toured in years, won't tour again, won't play big venues and has been engaged to play at a small venue locally. I want to go. I checked to see where else he might play, and there is no where except one date that is the same day as my final in biochem.


So, the catch?


The small venue is... how shall I say this? My ex is involved somehow with that venue. Can't remember exactly but I'm pretty sure he is.


So, I wrote an email, it sits in my draft box. Basically, I tell him I love school, love the pre-med path, love shadowing the physician, toss a few funnies in there (because, honestly, I LOVE to laugh)... tell him I want to go but want to make sure he's like okay with it.


Either way, I feel weird. If I just go, and he's there, will he think I'm stalking him? Or I should not be there? Asking feels like "Captain May-I?" or that I'm using it as an excuse to write him (which, quite frankly, part of me is).


Last year, when I wrote him to tell him all about my direction, thanking him for giving me the kick in the arse that I needed to pursue, he wrote back within minutes "WOW!!! That's fabulous!! Good luck on your quest!!!"


I'd asked him not to respond at all because I still very much cared for him... he did anyway.


So, my friends tell me that whole email was WAYYY too confusing: I write him, tell him I'm so thankful for everything that he did and said and encouraged me to do, that my life has moved on despite that we broke up and the rainbow in that situation was medical school for me, and then polish it off with a please don't respond because I still care. MY friends tell me it was a f-up email. okay, maybe it was.


so... now what? I know he is not seeing anyone. I likewise know that when I asked for a picture on that site, he did not respond to me, but that profile has a picture on it now. I can take that two ways too:


1) he didn't want to respond to my picture request in case I rejected him




2) he doesn't want any contact with me and by posting his picture, I can now clearly see it is him


And ... I have spent entirely too much time thinking about this and obviously, my judgment is clouded when it comes to him.


So... send the funny, irreverent email about the concert thing? just go? don't go?


Thank you!

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I would say just go and perhaps save the Life is good chit chat for some conversation should you see him at the venue?


I think if you ask him if its okay that he goes, it shows you have him on that high pedastal after a year and a half apart......

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If you want to go, you should. You shouldn't let your fear of running into someone dictate what or where you should go. I wouldn't send the email because you don't need anyone's permission to do what it is that you want to do. You're there to enjoy the music. Doesn't matter what your ex thinks.

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Agreed... you don't need his permission to go, nor do you need to worry about his opinion or assumption of why you're going... If you really want him to know ahead of time so he doesn't think you're stalking him, just send him a friendly bubbly e-mail consisting of "Hey, gonna be at the XXX on XXX, maybe I'll see you there!" Nothing forward or desperate about that...

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Just go despite that I "know" he's on the board of directors for that small venue?


I'm not talking 2000 people sized small venue; thinking more like 500 people small venue.


What really has my panties in a snit over this, if I can say that here, is... I don't know if *I* could handle it if he went with someone...


Let me rephrase that, I know I couldn't. But I also know he's still single... and his profile... reeks of *me* and our relationship. (No, I'm not being narcissistic, it is almost word for word what he put in his last email to me... and everything he said I was to him... up to and including, someone to love him)

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Just go despite that I "know" he's on the board of directors for that small venue?


Yep. I know it's hard to not obsess over these things... and once you obsess over something, it seems to be a much bigger deal than it really is...


So he's on the board, big deal... you like the singer right? Honestly if the guy were that big of a self righteous, conceded guy enough to think that you were going there for HIM and not the singer... well I wouldn't care what he thought anyway... Seriously though... he's working a venue which you'd like to attend due to your interest in a singer... Coincidence, but not enough that I'd consider you a stalker if I were him...

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What I'd like to say is "Hope you're enjoying a warm spring" but what I'm going to write is, "Damn you!!"


So... first says, "of course you can go to med school, I have someone 48 in my class"... then I hear about your 1000s of strep throat cases, and the other odds/ends, then I talk to , then I start shadowing a physician in and: 22 cases of swine flu, a term patient, some gooey glob of pus and blood on a diabetic's leg, a ladder fall and suturing (whoo hoo), a vasectomy and wart removal (both same person), a divorce from my lunch after said wart removal (THAT always makes for a stellar first impression), and a baby's first heart beat with parents who had already lost two babies to miscarriage ... and I'm hooked. I think it was the 22 cases of swine flu, honestly, and the little shaver that sneezed all over me. Dang he was CUTE but the bugs he gave me, not so much. Sicker than a dog for 2 weeks... I hate pigs.


Anyway, sans the creepy stalking professor that took a hankering to me and insisted on showing up to my door at odd hours of the day and night, saying creepy weird things to me in class; I LOVE being back in school, kinetics, equilibrium and NMR, give me some good old citric acid cycle and phosphorylation, and all. Who knew?! If I am not accepted to med school, which will be my age issue certainly not my grades, I'm thinking PhD in biochem. Dang I love this stuff!


So, why am I writing this time. Well, there's my gut answer, the answer you're gonna get, and the answers somewhere in between.


is playing at a . I'm not positive, but pretty sure, you're involved in that somehow or were or what-not. I'd like to go. I LOVE "Hairball" ... he's awesome "famous song" of course, then there's "another famous song", and more. Dance, sing... he makes me smile almost as much as Wynonna. So, I'm not really asking permission but ... I guess I'm wondering if it'd make you feel weird if I was there.


So with that, I'll leave you with a funny:


A small piece of sodium which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.



"Oh Bunsen, my flame. I melt whenever I see you . . .", the sodium pined.



"It's just a phase you're going through", replied the Bunsen burner.


Make it a great day, see rainbows in every situation -


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The e-mail you've written sounds way more like you're trying to be back in contact with him, and are just using this concert thing as an excuse. I'm just going to be honest and say that the whole e-mail just sounds a lot like someone who is trying very hard- trying to be clever, trying to be lighthearted, just really trying.


Look, you guys are both adults, and it sounds like you've been out of contact for a while. You don't have to write and try and impress him and give 7 or 8 reasons as to why you want to attend this concert that he MIGHT also be at.


I would say just go to the concert, and if you see him, politely say hello. If you are really stressing about it, shoot him a quick 2 or 3 line email acknowledging his connection to the venue and mentioning that you will be at the show.

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personally, i would not email him. i think it's a bit too weird. although it is a small venue, as you say, the thing is - you aren't going to see him, but rather an artist you really like and only have one chance to see. i think he would find weird the fact that you are emailing him, telling him you'll be there! unless there is a restraining order against you, i don't see the need to inform him.


and what the heck would you do if he told you not to come????


i presume this is a public event. you can buy tickets yourself, you don't need his permission. I agree that this sounds like a weakly veiled attempt to contact him. 500 is small, but not THAT small. I have been to events where there are 500 people and still don't run into the person i am looking for. no big deal. so what if he's there with a date? you are going to be looking at the singer, right?

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and what the heck would you do if he told you not to come????

I wouldn't go. If he brought a date, I'd leave.


Perhaps, I should just say, I might be 45 and in all my years of dating, serious relationships, etc; he was the only one I ever thought I'd marry. Only one.


The night we broke up (me, I did it) he told me that in the last years of his marriage, through the first few years post-divorce, he didn't think himself capable of caring for someone as he did me. His voiced was very choked up (ya think!?) and he said this was all really hard.


Then there's his response to my email last year thanking him and asking him not to respond. He did anyway.


Then there's my /wink at a non-photo ad on a dating site requesting a picture. He did not respond... but now THAT ad has his picture on it. And his ad... sounds exactly like what he put in an email to me the week after we broke up.


I feel a bit hopeful, wishful, STUPID... maybe he misses me too!?


So, yes. I openly admitted that part of the reason for the email was to reach out, the other part is I do not want to feel stalkerish.

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If the email is as confusing as your OP, I wouldnt send it... Just do what you want, you're a grown woman.

What do you mean?


I deleted information that would give away him, his town, his family, my home, my family, and etc. Not sure what is confusing about it? Part of it is written because he "knows" me... and has traversed the pre-med life.

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You've been broken up for how long without 'stalking' him? Just go. You're creating a barrier that doesn't need to be there. He doesn't 'own' a public platform, and you don't owe him any explanations.


It sounds as though you might be using this concert as a reason for getting in touch with him. If so, be honest with yourself--it's not about the concert. If this were about the concert, you'd just go and blend in with the hundreds of other people enjoying the performer.


The email comes off as transparent. I would not send it.

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Thank you, Cat, et al. Cat, you've always responded with straight forward answer.


I ended our relationship (mostly) and have no reason to stalk him.


And I was honest with myself, and him, in the email. BUT I think ya'll are right.


Just go. Have fun. Don't send


Thank you, everyone. I've had a headache over what to do, say, see - his profile on the dating site has tossed me for sure.

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just have fun at the show. go and bring some friends. and blend in with the crowd. don't be on the lookout for him. but if he happens to be there, nothing wrong with saying hi and then being like, 'ooh, my friends are waiting for me, take care!' and walking away. chit chat if you want to. but just go and have fun!!

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After a night of finally sleeping, and reading more posts elsewhere on players, I remember all too well what he did after I broke up with him (yes, I did it, not him)...


he posted his profile the next day on a dating site... player much?


Players love attention... contact strokes their egos and makes me a fallback girl. When the eff did I become fallback girl or WANT to become fallback girl!? Never!


If his ad is related to how he felt about me, then he would contact me. He has not. He simply posted a picture on an ad that I winked at. He knew it was me who winked at him. He did not respond TO me. He posted a picture instead... mind you, one that is over 5 years old with a dog that is now dead.


He is a tool. His ad wants someone between 25 and 50... really. His oldest daughter is 24. Yuck.


Yep. I'm going to go to the little singer's concert, enjoy myself without telling him a thing.


It was his dating ad that got me rolling around and ruminating in our past relationship. I still love him. I will always love him.


BUT that does not give me reason now to write him. If he wanted me back, he'd write. If he wanted to rekindle, talk, chat, laugh; he'd write.

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i would stop checking out his profile. in fact, block him.


people can say that they want something online but their actions prove otherwise in real life. clearly his actions were that he's uninterested.


in one case, a guy contacted me online, and after i learned more information about him, i told him i was not interested. he wrote back saying 'why' because he said he fit my profile to a T - his looks, interests, height, atheticism, etc..... well, i found out he had 3 DUIs. even though, yes, on the surface he did match what i was looking for on the profile, doesn't mean i want to date him!


i would just let go of the relationship and move on.

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I didn't check out his profile.


I got sent an email that said someone has added you as a favorite in the subject line. When I opened it up, it was him.


Then I read his profile again. It is, word for word, what he said about me in an email.


It's easy for people to say "move on" ... which one of the 50 - 60 dates, dinners, concerts, sporting events, theater, hikes, bikes, and rollerblades would you suggest were the one I should move on with?


None of them ... not one, made me feel like a having a 2nd date.


So, I gave up, threw myself back into school and focused on it. But something has been missing.


It's easy when you're in the 20s and 30s to think, the whole big wide world out there is full of men. That is not a slam to those in that age bracket, but it is simply the truth.


In your 40s and 50s, the dating pool becomes really limited. And as you age, what you want gets more enlarged as well. In the 40s a woman is generally more settled, more stabilized, and more attuned to her wants/needs than in earlier times... which makes finding a great relationship all that more difficult.


If I told you the day he went golfing with the ER doc, it was his son's birthday as well - would that change your mind? The same son that would hardly talk to him after the divorce? The same son that once he found out his dad was serious with someone, decided perhaps he needed his father after all?


Who was I to get in the middle of that? I encouraged my ex to spend whenever/whatever he got with his kids. As a late teen, that son needed his dad. I need his dad.


What about if I told you the weekend before he left for his family reunion he spent the entire weekend with me in a cabin on a lake focused on me all weekend because it was MY race. Meanwhile, he sat on the finish line and waited for me to cross. What if I told you the weekend before that, he'd just bought me a new set of Ping clubs?

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i know - it is so easy for me as an outsider to say 'move on' the same way i would say, 'go buy some milk at the grocery store.' i get it, it's not easy. i know even as a 29 year old, i don't have the easiest time finding a boyfriend so i totally understand that it's even harder in a different age bracket.


i'm just pointing out that there's no point in trying to figure him out. i don't know why he 'favorited' you. that sounds like some mind games to me. blah.

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Thank you, Annie, for recognizing it is not easy to just move on.


For the 6 months after our break, I missed him terribly, did not date, focused on getting my life together. When I got to a point where I thought, "Maybe" I dipped my toe in the dating pond.


Went on alllllll those dates. Really, really, awesome men; quirky dorks; and in betweeners.


Then I got stalked by a professor at school who was summarily fired for what he did to me. Then I found out he stalked my ex's daughter to the point of finding out who one of her friends was, cross referencing that with students in his classes, and then asked THAT friend to lunch. I got an ear full from the prof. He got fired.


I know... if this ... if he really never gives us a second chance, I will be okay. But when we split I knew, likewise, I'd probably never date again, nor find someone. I hate to use the word soulmate because that sounds really childish... but there are no words to describe how much I loved that man, nor how shattered I was when we broke up.


I liken it to this:


A precious, gorgeous Ming vase was sitting on the mid-shelf for all to see and admire. The vase was inspiring to all, and everyone who knew about the vase and knew about the preciousness of it, were inspired to find it themselves.


One day, through misunderstanding, someone moved the Ming slightly from the perch and in doing so, left it precariously atop the shelf.


The Ming's shelf was slightly bumped one day, tumbling the vase to the glistening marble floor shattering the vase into a million different shards. Each shard still held the glimmer and the beauty, but the whole vase was destroyed.


As time moved on, the vase was put back together. Never quite the same but still radiating warmth and admiration. Upon closer inspection, someone noticed there was a tiny, minuscule sliver of glass still missing. The shard that would make sure the Ming glimmered and shone like before.


Sometimes, there really is the love of a lifetime. He is mine. When I built my list of what I wanted in a man 5 years ago, I never dreamed I'd find someone who fit it.


Sadly, I was okay being single. I loved my life... but I have always entirely hoped that we would somehow reunite.

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