I made a mistake and now he won't take me back. Hurting and confused.

[hairwire]

I suppose this needs a bit of back story, so please bear with me - apologies.

 

I have/had been seeing my (I suppose ex) boyfriend for 4 years, and he is in the Royal Navy, with the submarines, so he goes on patrol a lot, frequently for about 3, 3 and a half months. The first time this happened I freaked out majorly and didn't how to behave when he got back, but we got through that very difficult patch and ever since then we were really good - I missed him very much while he was away, and looked forward to the times we could spend together.

 

However, I started to feel a little like maybe I was coping a little too well while he was away, especially for his last patrol, which was a little longer than usual - 4 and a half months. I can safely say that for three of those months I was cosntantly unsure of myself as a person never mind my relationship - I had just started a Masters course which I regret as a decision, I had/have huge money problems partly as a result of this, and I started to drink a lot for no real reason and even felt on a couple of occasions as though the only way I could escape my problems was to overdose. I didn't because I didn't want to do anything stupid especially while he was away.

 

I was so confused about what was going on in/with my life, and I just didn't feel right, and nearly five weeks ago now I told him I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him and I broke it off. Even as I did it I didn't think it was what I wanted, but I kept telling myself to stop being so emotional and to get over it, or telling myself that it was "only because I was out of my comfort zone". I realised definitely about a week later that I'd made a very big mistake, but I had so many people telling me to get on with life and that it was the comfort zone thing I believed them (and myself). And then he had booked a holiday for himself with friends he hadn't seen in a while, and I didn't think it was right to ruin his fun....We still talk and he kept asking me if I'd changed my mind - and every part of me wanted to say "YES!", but I kept it to myself - like an IDIOT. So when I did tell him a couple of weeks ago he basically told me that he wouldn't take me back.

 

He has said though that he will think about it, but he said that one of the main reasons is that I am unable to look after myself on the most basic levels - it's true, but this has made me completely lose sight of anything. I have struggled very hard for most of my life with depression, and I just can't believe that someone who says that he loved me as much as he did can dsicard me so quickly for the very reason that I need him not to abandon me.

 

I know that I have made a mistake, and I just need another chance to prove myself to him, but I don't think he cares anymore...but he says he does, and that he wants to help me, I'm so confused! I feel as though all my relationships are out of pity, or guilt. I have been abandoned by so many people, and I just don't feel as though I belong anywhere....

 

I have tried to reach out to friends, but my problems, and especially the retarded way in which I cope with them (general self-abuse on varying levels) is simply too much information for them to handle and they don't know what to do - even if I ask them outright, they don't understand why I would just need someone to sit with me.

 

I just can't understand how someone who said he wanted to marry me and have a family with me, who claims to still care about me cannot even consider giving me a second chance, especially after 4 years - I am so confused.....I feel like ending it all, because I cannot bear all my stupid mistakes continuing to eat me up for the rest of my life....This is NOT a suicide note, but it's how I feel, before I get a load of "DON'T DO IT!" messages

[vertigoxo]

So you dumped him, didn't want him, and then when he finally didn't want you back... You wanted him back.

 

I suggest you get into Alcoholic Anonymous to get help for your drinking problems, first of all. They will also help you with any other emotional problems you suffer. Once your ex sees that you will change for the better, he may have second thoughts.

 

Good luck!

[DN]

It's all very well to wonder why he won't give you a second chance but the problem is that when you dump someone you destroy an element of trust in the relationship. And if he takes you back how can he be sure that you won't dump him again?

 

When you said that you thought you had made a mistake did you tell him why you thought it was a mistake?

[hairwire]

So you dumped him, didn't want him, and then when he finally didn't want you back... You wanted him back.

 

I did not want him back because he "finally didn't want me back", I wanted him back long before I actually voiced it, which I assumed I had made fairly clear. Additionally, I always wanted him, but I thought that my unhappiness was caused by him maybe in some small way, and I realised I was wrong, a very short time after I made the decision. It's not quite as black and white as instant gratification, which I know a lot of people will wrongly assume I am after.

 

I have told him pretty much everything I have posted in this thread, and I have told him that it was a mistake, and what was actually going on with me in my head whilst he was away (I never originally told him about the drinking or thoughts of overdosing, because I did not want him to worry about me whilst he was away) to make me realise why I thought it was a mistake.

 

I know that I have destroyed a lot of trust, but there have been many times when I have stood by him even though I didn't agree with him or he "lacked direction" (which he has also stated as a reason for not wanting to get back with me), and I am feeling very hurt as to why he cannot give me the same chance that I have given him on more than one occasion.

 

I am trying to understand/gain some insight as to how he can seemingly wipe out 4 years of a happy relationship in as little as 3 weeks, well only 1, if you factor in the two weeks he was asking me if I'd changed my mind.

[vertigoxo]

I've learned that when a guy acts like he doesn't like a girl, the girl ALWAYS comes after him. It's a human attraction thing; You always want what you can't have. If he was still acting all nice and stuff, you wouldn't get back with him.

 

I know this sounds a bit rude but it's true. He doesn't want to appear weak to you; He's afraid you won't like him anymore if he does. So what does he do? Tries his best to soothe his pain and move on.