I Dumped my Ex and now I want her back

[Fox20]

I dumped her and at the time I treated her horribly. She tried really hard to apologize and fix things all by herself for a long time and the only thing I did was be a complete * * * * * * * to her. Why she loved me I will never know.

 

I guess I dumped her because I felt I just never did anything right. I just always hurt her and even at the end when she was trying to hug me I still completely casted her away. Thinking about it now upsets my stomach. I loved her so much. I would do almost anything to try again with her. If I could go back to when she wanted to make things better I would in a heartbeat.

 

So, I guess I am asking...how can I get her to like me again? I have seen her a few times since the break up but she has shown little interest in me if any. Some days she almost acts like she doesn't like me at all and last time I saw her she got mad at me for getting too close. She doesn't know how I feel for her...but I have tried to hint it in the way I talk to her and treat her. I am afraid to ask her out again.

 

God...I wish the times where like before ...she seems so distant now. I keep fearing that if I ask her out she might tell me no and it will ruin the friendship we have right now.

 

I don't know what to do....

[Ms Darcy]

Do you think that some of your interest in her is because she's lost interest in you?

[DirectDingo]

Just sit her down and tell her you need to talk. Apologise profusely, tell her why you did what you did but admit you were to blame and try not to make excuses. She will probably treat you the way you treated her but all you can do is try. Trust me, if you love her it's worth it.

[Fox20]

I knew from the moment I let her go I still loved her. I cried after I broke up with her. I casted all my friends away at the time too. I don't know why I was such an idiot. I honestly don't know.

 

I guess I was just always too ashamed to ask her back. She deserves so much better than me. She is beautiful, energetic, usually outgoing when she isn't angry at me. It's been 4 months now. We have established a pretty good solid friendship at least. She is happy usually but every time I try and get close she pulls away.

 

I have apologized to her in the past about everything I did. She never said anything. I am just a coward.....

 

When we first got together she asked me out, and when I dumped her she asked me out twice after....it was always her doing the asking. I guess she doesn't like me anymore and has moved on.

[Ms Darcy]

I guess I was just always too ashamed to ask her back. She deserves so much better than me. She is beautiful, energetic, usually outgoing when she isn't angry at me. It's been 4 months now. We have established a pretty good solid friendship at least. She is happy usually but every time I try and get close she pulls away.

 

I have apologized to her in the past about everything I did. She never said anything. I am just a coward.....

 

When we first got together she asked me out, and when I dumped her she asked me out twice after....it was always her doing the asking. I guess she doesn't like me anymore and has moved on.

 

If you really think that she deserves better than you and that you are a coward, maybe it's best to let her go. I'm not saying you should, I'm just saying that talking about getting her back and acting upon it are two different things.

 

This is one of those situations where you would need to work really hard to get her back and eat crow. You would need a better explanation than "I never felt like I did anything right" and "I pushed all my friends away." You would need to go deeper on yourself. And you would need to take steps to improve yourself ... to reconnect with friends, to deal with your own insecurities, etc.

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't try. I'm saying you should not try without really making some serious changes within yourself or you'll falll back into the same patterns.

[Kinkz]

If she is pulling away each time you try to get close to her, then I don't think she is ready yet to go back to how you guys were before the break-up. I think you need to give her more time. Just be patient. Stay friends for now, this way at least she is still in your life and if you love her - then even that should mean a lot to you. Maybe in time, when time has healed her and she has got over the way you treated her, she will begin to take an interest in you again. Don't push her, but instead, try and prove to her how awesome you are.

[Lucy1982]

I wish you were my ex! I keep wondering if he'll ever feel the way you do... I miss him so much! I think you need to work out if you really do want her and if you do then you just need to talk to her and be open and honest. Life is too short to have regrets and as it was YOU who did the dumping you need to make the first move because she's probably too frightened of you rejecting her. Good luck, let us know how it goes.

[itsallgrand]

No offense but if you are still so centered on how it is about you, after dumping her and treating her poorly, it makes mighty good sense that she is keeping you at arm's length.

 

Did you ever stop to consider what it is that she is looking for and needs? Have you talked to her about that now?

 

You don't have to get back with her to open up and start correcting the past wrongs. Actually, I agree with Ms. Darcy, it's so much better this way...it's a test run to see if you can step up to the plate with action or if it's gonna stay at the I-want-her-and-I'm-such-an-idiot phase here.

 

Whipping yourself and wanting her to "like you again" isn't really the recipe for a new bright future with her. You gotta at least ante up something to start off the negotiations here at what sort of relationship you two might have.

[vertigoxo]

Damn, OP, your story sounds wayyyyy too familiar to my ex's POV. I seriously hope you aren't him (then again, the "it's been 4 months" comment kinda tells me you aren't him, lol!), but here goes...

 

She asked you out twice and you rejected her. As a woman, I'm going to tell you that women can only ask the same guy so many times before she gives up, as much as it hurts her and loves the guy. We are fragile, emotional creatures, and when the guy we love rejects us even once, we just plain give up and try our best to move on, no matter how hard it will be.

 

If you want her back, you'll have to treat her extra nicely. That means contacting her once/twice a week (don't suffocate her, don't contact her early in the morning/late at night, that's inappropriate between "friends" and that kind of contact is only reserved for couples), treating her like a dear friend to you (not calling her "bro" or some other stupid terms that you use on your other friends. just hug her and tell her if she needs anything, that you'll be there), not flirt with her or make sexually explicit comments to her, and just make her as comfortable as possible.

 

If she flirts with you, go ahead and do it back. But let her initiate it! You doing it on your own will create awkward moments. Good luck!

[Shnoodle]

Does she know you want to get back together?

 

She may feel like your subtle advances are nothing more than the flirtations of a guy whom she has history with. (Or in the "tough love" sense, hooks to see if you can keep her on the back-burner.)

[mgirl]

No offense but if you are still so centered on how it is about you, after dumping her and treating her poorly, it makes mighty good sense that she is keeping you at arm's length.

 

Yeah!!

 

It's been 4 months, do you think she's probably moved on by now?! You would have to work damned hard to get her back now

[vertigoxo]

Does she know you want to get back together?

 

She may feel like your subtle advances are nothing more than the flirtations of a guy whom she has history with. (Or in the "tough love" sense, hooks to see if you can keep her on the back-burner.)

 

This.

 

Subtle hints only work for middle schoolers, not adults.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I completely agree with this and Ms. Darcy's posts. I think you need to ask yourself why you treated her badly in the first place when she really cared about you. What is it in you that felt the need to mistreat someone who cared about you. If you can't figure out what inner demons you have that would drive you to push away and mistreat someone who loves you and who you say you love, then you will end up repeating the same mistakes if you got her back. First thing you need to do is sort yourself out..improve your self-esteem so that treating someone badly makes you feel horrible rather than content.

[atelis]

let her go and start working on your own issues that led you to treat her so poorly. It sounds to me like you are scared of people loving you, so you push them away and sabotage relationships by being an a-hole. Work out why you don't feel deserve to be loved and then start working on ways to develop bettter self worth.

[Fox20]

Ms Darcy: I have tried to get her attention by going out of my way to be very accepting and nice to her. For the last month I have treated her with kindness. I took her on dates, cuddled her, bought her things she might like, but every time she pushed me away. I was even thinking of asking if she would like to try again last time we saw each other because she started to show a very small bit of interest. So I was really happy and determined but that was when she got mad at me....for getting to close. Now I find myself back at square one.

 

Kinkz: I was thinking she just isn't ready to trust me. It's like she hates me sometimes but she tries not to show it unless I step out of her bounds.

 

Lucy1982: Yeah I feel horrible about rejecting her. I hurt her so much...and I regret it so much. She was so loving and caring and I was just a mouthy jerk. Even now she still cares about me.

 

itsallgrand: She said she needed someone who wouldn't dump her. She said she needed someone who was more finacially stable and more confident. She said I was too depressing and not trying hard enough. I tried to meet these standards so far. I have been looking my best every time I get to see her. She hates beards so I always make sure to shave close. I go into my work over time now so I have lots of money. I have been keeping all my negativity to myself. Even if she says something that hurts I don't let her know. I am trying not to be pushy. I have been helping her with anything she needs. It's just whenever...she is happy, I tend to want to cuddle her and she pushes me away.

 

vertigoxo: I am starting to understand where she stands. She was hurt badly. And I have accomplished many awkward moments so far. She did initiate some very minor cuddling here and there...but it was usually if I offered.

 

Shnoodle: I really hope she doesn't think I'm just trying to fool around with her. I know she knew some really bad guys in the past.

 

mgirl: So I should just tell her I want to try again?

 

Crazyaboutdogs: I feel like I can treat her with the love and respect she deserves. I think, back then, I was just feeling sorry for myself. I know that isn't much of an excuse at all. I was taking her for granted. She was perfect and I was really depressed at the time. It was choking me. For some reason I thought that taking a break would be alright. I could take a break, find myself and then come back. I thought she'd be there when I was done. I even told her I'd come back and she was overjoyed at the time when I said this. She started crying on the phone. I know that sounds so horrible. I didn't know it would make her this distant. ](*,)

[Fox20]

Actually I might as well fess up. I do want help so I might as well be honest on here, and I know this is going to make me seem like a huge jerk but 2 months ago I did try and sexually do something with her.

 

I must have broke all the rules in the book with trying to win her back.

 

She simply backed away and told me no. At the time I wasn't aware of how far she had emotionally detached herself to me. If I had known then I would have never had tried to do that. She didn't get mad, she just got really cold.

 

It's stuff like this that make me feel unworthy. We are still friends though. I am hoping to really work on this and showing her that I am a better man. Some days I just really let it get me down like today.

[AFriendInNeed]

Fox20,

 

I am in a very similar situation. Granted, in my case our break was a lot cleaner and I didn't treat her so bad as your making it out that you treated your ex, but I 'told her we needed to take a break' (i.e. break up with the chance of getting back together) 7 months ago. Also, unlike you I have had almost literally NC over those 7 months. But in general, I think we are in the same boat and this is what I have to say:

 

If you can show this girl through your actions that you have changed and grown as a person... If you can show her that you are caring, that you'll always be there for her, and that you are reliable... If you can demonstrate to her that you treat the people you care about in your life (her AND others, family, etc)...

 

Then I think you have a good chance at a second shoot. It might not happen, but it's worth trying. What do you have to loose? I wish you the best of luck, brother.

 

Also thanks to everyone for their responses, reading them helped me to think things over too.

[SnowFox]

You might not be able to salvage this one. It sounds like a lot of damage has been done. You do seem overly concerned with your own feelings and not as tuned in to how your actions have affected her. I would recommend examining what led you to make the decision to break things off. It sounds like the issue is internal to you, not about the relationship. In order to have a successful relationship in the future, you will need to resolve whatever conflicts came up for you that led you to breaking up with her.

[vertigoxo]

Wait, you tried to have sex with her?

[Fox20]

AFriendInNeed: Does your ex not want you back either or do you know? If yours was cleaner than I probably don't have much of a chance. Thanks for the advice.

 

What you wrote gives me some hope. She hasn't got rid of me completely or anything so I will take this chance to show her that I have changed.

 

TennesseeGirl: I wish I knew what led me to the final straw. It wasn't her. It was definitely me. She was was being very sweet to me for the three days when I was thinking of breaking it off with her. I guess that's why it kills me so much that I did that. What is wrong with me.....

 

I'll try and figure it out...

[Fox20]

Yeah I tried having sex with her. Let me guess...It's all over isn't it?

[Ms Darcy]

I wish I knew what led me to the final straw. It wasn't her. It was definitely me. She was was being very sweet to me for the three days when I was thinking of breaking it off with her. I guess that's why it kills me so much that I did that. What is wrong with me.....

 

I'll try and figure it out...

 

This is what you need to think about before trying to get back with her. Think of it this way, you got something out of hurting her. Be very honest with yourself and think about what it gave you to reject her.

[Fox20]

Rejecting her gave me the feeling power at the time. At the time I felt bad that she was hurt and I felt really guilty but I felt like I was in control of the relationship. Previously girls have always dumped me and now that I finally had a nice girl who wanted me, who is way out of my league, it almost seemed unreal. She was everything that any guy would ever dream of and she loved me.

 

I dumped her thinking she would never go away and that gave me a sense of power too. When she tried to win me back...I felt a sense of power I had never had before. I ended up crying after, realizing what I had done but it was too late. By the time I realized she was gone, it was a few months after.

 

She was hurt and seemed to want to do anything to make me come back. She put the entire blame on herself even though it wasn't her fault.

 

No wonder she doesn't want me cuddling her...

 

I think I was going through a phase though. I don't think I'm permanently a jerk. I think I was just going through some emotional upsets from the past. I really do want another chance, and to show her that I do love her and will never hurt her like that ever again.

 

I haven't even done this to any of my other ex's or friends, only the one who I cared about most and who I could have had a bright future with. I made a huge mistake. It feels like my heart is going to explode right now.

[Ms Darcy]

So it sounds like control gave you a sense of power. Now, what if I were to tell you that in order to have any chance of getting her back you would have to give up all control? She would be the one with the 'power' to take you back.

 

Also, how do you think that she felt with you in control during the entire relationship? What do you think her feelings were like?

[adviseseeker]

How long were you together? What were the reasons you told her for breaking up? What were the real reasons you think you broke up with her for?

 

If she is still seeing you occasionally as 'friends' I would think you definitely have an opportunity to win her back.