I Dumped my Ex and now I want her back

[Fox20]

I would give up all control in an instant. I already have. I don't ever want to be like that ever again. At first our relationship was fine. We were very much equal. She treated me with kindness and I her. We trusted each other.

 

When she began to sense me drifting away one of the first things she told me was "Something's changed and it scares me. It's like you have all the control." She got really timid around me like she knew I was going to dump her even before I knew. So I suspect she was really afraid, hurt, and her trust had been broken.

 

She made me some cute presents, drew me some pictures to try and help I guess. But ...yeah I even told her that she was just imagining things...and yet I dumped her. So...she must feel that I was a complete ass because she tried so hard.

 

I accept that only she can decide whether she wants me back and I can't make her do anything. I want her to take me back on her own will.

[atelis]

it doesn't quite add up. Perhaps treating her like crap and then dumping her was your way of 'protecting' yourself from being dumped as you had been by previous girls. Quite often, those who fear abandonment will often sabotage a relationship through fear of being abandoned.........they then dump their partner only to then have their fear realised.

 

I don't think it was a power thing, but rather fear based.

[Ms Darcy]

At first our relationship was fine. We were very much equal. She treated me with kindness and I her. We trusted each other.

 

When she began to sense me drifting away one of the first things she told me was "Something's changed and it scares me. It's like you have all the control." She got really timid around me like she knew I was going to dump her even before I knew. So I suspect she was really afraid, hurt, and her trust had been broken.

 

Why did things change?

[Fox20]

I was with her for 2 years. atelis is right. I was always nervous of losing her to another guy.

 

She had a few friends that were guys who seemed innocent enough but my mind would always wonder. I would always think "what if she cheats on me?". Sometimes it drove me nuts.

 

Now, I know I was wrong because for the 4 months of the break up she hasn't even been with one guy. She said she is taking a break from relationships.

[Ms Darcy]

I was with her for 2 years. atelis is right. I was always nervous of losing her to another guy.

 

She had a few friends that were guys who seemed innocent enough but my mind would always wonder. I would always think "what if she cheats on me?". Sometimes it drove me nuts.

 

Now, I know I was wrong because for the 4 months of the break up she hasn't even been with one guy. She said she is taking a break from relationships.

 

What if she maintains close male friendships if you get back together? How can you assure her you will handle this well?

[Fox20]

I guess things changed because I was paranoid. My paranoia made me drift away from her, she took notice and tried to fix it. Then I noticed that she really wanted me, and it was hard to believe, and then I got a power kick out of it.

 

That actually sounds about right.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, it's a good thing you were able to answer all these questions.

 

I certainly think you need to start trying to put yourself in her shoes and think about her perspectives a little bit. At some point, you may want to talk to her and let her know that you want her back.

 

In the end, these realizations will be helpful to you whether you are in a relationship with her again or with someone else.

[Fox20]

I actually feel really stupid for being so paranoid. She is the only girl I have ever met to not dump me, cheat on me or hurt me.

 

I will prove it to her by not getting jealous whenever she talks about her guy friends. If we got back together, I would ask her if I could meet them and I would be nice to them. I would keep my cool and trust my love because I know she would never hurt me.

 

And if I did have a problem with it, I would discuss it to her in a mature manner, keep my cool, and try to compromise. Mostly I would not get jealous. I would be happy that she is having fun times with her friends.

[atelis]

when you get scared, your put your walls up.......the fear of losing her to another guy made you put your walls up and close your heart to her in order to protect yourself emotionally. In your subconscious you thought "i'm going to lose her and i will feel crap again like every other relationship so i will spare myself the heartache and put my walls up so i don't get hurt". That then leads you to withdraw and distance because you don't feel the closeness to your partner.

 

If i was you, i would open up to her about your fear........forget about trying to win her over. You need to be honest about your fears and why you sabotaged. Write it in a letter if she won't talk to you.

 

Perhaps you should also see a therapist........this stuff usually has it's roots in childhood

[Fox20]

Thank you Ms Darcy, they are already helping a lot.

 

Thanks for all your help.

[Ms Darcy]

Thank you Ms Darcy, they are already helping a lot.

 

Thanks for all your help.

 

You are welcome, dear. Onward and upward with an open mind and a loving heart.

[AFriendInNeed]

Fox20,

 

I don't know if she wants me back. We have been in a non-declared NC for the past 7 months; She tried contacting me 3 or so times in the couple weeks after our split, but we only talked on the first occasion and haven't seen/talked since then. But other than that, our break was clean - (I asked for her to let me go, so I might squash any and all doubt I had about us, she basically said yes and we had the best split you could really hope for after a solid ~6 year relationship.)

 

I definitely still have hope. You should too. Especially since, in your case, you know she hasn't been in any other relationship and she is still a part of your life. These two things are huge and speak volumes about what her future intentions COULD be. Continue to show her you are a better, more mature, more UNDERSTANDING, more accommodating person. Be genuine, eventually, when you think the time is right, tell her how you feel.

 

Good luck my friend.

[Fox20]

atelis, yeah I know that is how my mind was working at the time. I was afraid of losing her so I saved myself the heartache and dumped her.

 

Some days my fear would be so bad I would cry myself to sleep or not sleep at all. After a month or so there were grey bags under my eyes from lack of sleep. Maybe I should see a therapist.

 

I definitely want to cope/deal with the problem I have and learn ways around it without hurting people like my ex and myself.

 

Through out my childhood I was considered the quiet kid. I made some friends some years, no friends other years. Then once I got into high school I had no interest in making more new friends because I was sad that my junior high school friends had all moved or found new friends. I was a loner in High school.

 

I'm not sure why I have always had problems hanging onto people. I guess I was just born quiet for some reason. I really enjoy what friends I have now and my small family. I know I can recover from it all.

[atelis]

That's why perhaps you need to look into therapy.......stuff like this is usually related to our relationship with our parents growing up. But if you are finding yourself in these sabotage patterns through fear, then you really need to start looking at why. If it was a one off, then you can perhaps put it down to immaturity, but if as you say it's a pattern of extreme fear/panic/anxiety when you get into relationships, then there is more to it than immaturity.

[Fox20]

AFriendInNeed, thanks, I will try my best to show her that I am better, mature and more understanding.

 

I think I may join the gym and take an arts course in the meantime.

[crymeout]

i have a tear running down my cheek, when i read the first bit of your thread it reminded me of how my ex spoke to me and was horrible to me and he was the one that hurt me i never hurt him and towards the end was trying so hard to fix things, he still left crushing my heart...

 

if only he had second thoughts like you are, if only he even cared enough to see how im doing, as im not doing so good at all......

 

if i was you i would just tell her how you feel..............

[1guygirl]

THIS sounds jus like my ex...you could be him...well the way my gut tells me anyhow

 

i dont know what to say only from the perspective of myself... i knew my ex had these feelings and what he was doing, and i tried to make him feel like he was the only guy for me...cos he was. but he got his ego stroked and yet he kicked mine into the ground. now i could never ever trust him again with my heart. if i ever saw him and he would say reach out or try be close, id recoil and if he said anything bout our great sex life, id feel jus like a booty call. he did say i could go see him and i thought aw yeah...i know what for...

 

you are serious bout this girl? then you are gunna not just have to tell her but expect many many months of winning back her trust, cos only then can she love you again. and if she does, dont screw it up this time...

 

you are literally gunna have to give it constant 200% for a long while IF she gives you another chance

 

i hope you work things out i really do, but you know you have scarred this girl.

[vertigoxo]

Yeah I tried having sex with her. Let me guess...It's all over isn't it?

 

Not neccasarily but now she thinks all you're after for is ass. Now she can't take you seriously... Bad move, buddy.

 

Best thing to do to fix this; Don't flirt with her or get TOO affectionate with her. Be her friend but give her an inch of space, you know?

[MissFortune]

Well after being like that with her, the best thing you can do is def leave her alone.