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A few months ago my boyfriend of 4 years ended our relationship. I was devastated and posted on here regularly to vent and also was hoping to reconcile. However, I gave up on the idea of us getting back together a few weeks ago and have felt a lot better about it all.

 

I also recently started a new job. There is a guy there who I got along with really well, we would often talk and laugh and tease each other. He would text me a lot and basically did all of the chasing. At a staff party we were both drunk and we kissed, then went back to his place where we fooled around and I stayed the night. He wanted to have sex but I said no, not just yet. We admitted we had feelings for each other and he said he really liked me and hoped maybe we could be "something" together.

 

I brought up the fact that I thought he had a girlfriend. He said he had gone on a few dates with a girl but didn't feel anything for her and that he would "take care" of that matter soon. An ex of his who he had a serious relationship with a year or so ago was also hanging around him a lot at the staff party. I could see there was no interest from him and that she was kind of annoying him. So these few things have made me a little cautious from the get-go.

 

Anyway, we've since been quite "professional" at work but snuck in a few kisses here and there. He said he also ended things with the last girl he dated. Then I stayed at his place over the weekend and spent a lot of time together and yes, had sex.

 

He really does seem to be interested in me, very cuddly and talkative and seems to care. But I had this horrible moment this morning when he went to have a shower. All of a sudden I was like "What the heck am I doing?? I'm such a sucker!! This guy is totally taking me for a ride and probably pursuing other girls..." so I did something I usually wouldn't do and I looked at his phone. He doesn't seem to keep sent/received messages but there was one from a girl agreeing to meet him for lunch (wasn't flirtatious though).

 

After we got ready to go out for some breakfast he could tell something was wrong. He actually said "If you've looked at my phone I can understand why you might feel a bit unsure about the fact I'm having lunch with a girl. She's just a friend so don't worry about it, she's lesbian anyway!"

 

I was shocked he even said this and I denied that I had looked.

 

We talked about how were a bit unsure of starting a relationship because we work together and don't want awkwardness if we broke up.

 

I said look, please be honest, are you honestly interested in me? And he said yes absolutely, he likes me a lot, it's just the work thing that is an issue.

 

So I said how about we just give it a go and see how things pan out? And he agreed and was happy and didn't not want to give us a try.

 

I wish I had admitted to looking at his phone.

 

I now want to tell him. I feel like it would be bad to bring it up at work, shall I just call him tonight?

 

I hate that I looked, I just felt like I had to know.

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Don't say anything about it, but let this be a lesson learned and don't do it again. His phone is his business. You need to learn to trust him if you are going to date him seriously.

 

Maybe he knew you did, maybe he just took a guess, either way, just leave it alone, whats done is done. If you go back and revisit the issue it will just bring it up again unnecessary.

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Yeah, tell him. He already knows. Moreover he seemed ok with it. Get this out of the way and off your chest right away. You asked him to be honest with you. It's only right that you be honest with him.

 

Smart guy, he sounds like a good one.

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This is more of a trust issue. No one likes to get played and this is mostly a defence mechanism inside you looking for ways to protect yourself. Trust will develop in time as you get to know each other, but acting in a manner that may make him not trust you can also be self harming to any chance of a relationship. Inside your midn there is also the old saying of "to good to be true" and a variety of other things.

 

Take it slow, let him know that you've been hurt in the past and don't wanna go through it again. Look at it this way, it was an error of judgement and not a fault of character.

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I don't think he would have left his phone out and taken a shower if he had anything to hide.

 

This is such a commonplace scenario. People are always looking at their phones and showing stuff on their phones to their friends. Big deal, it was a little lame but people do it all the time. No need to make it a drama, just admit it and see if he teases you or whatever. Maybe he'll respect you for confessing you're only human.

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I see a lot of red flags here...One is that your first time together you were a little drunk and he asked for sex right away...Two is that there is a possibility he has a girlfriend...Three is that you work together...Four is that he doesn't keep his sent/rec'd texts...Five is that something told you to check his phone....Six is that you just got out of a long term relationship only a few months ago...

These six red flags by themselves may not mean a lot. But all together, they are pretty strong.

I would back off for a while and spend some time reflecting, healing, and getting to know yourself again, and consider what you really want in a man.

Read some good books about break ups and relationships. "He's Just Not that Into You" "Face it--You're Not that Into Him Either" and "They Call it a Break Up Because It's Broken" are a few good ones. Easy reads.

If you and this new guy are meant to be, maybe you can pick things up later, after you've reassessed things.

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I now want to tell him. I feel like it would be bad to bring it up at work, shall I just call him tonight?

 

No need to bring it up at work, but you do need to be strait with him ASAP. Take him out for a nice meal, be sincere with him, and at the right time, explain why you did what you did. The key is to be strait in a respectful fashion.

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If it's eating up at you, then it's probably best that you tell him sooner than later. Just let him know that you feel bad about it, and you don't want to start the relationship off by being dishonest with him. Apologize, and let him know that you appreciate him being upfront and honest with you from the get-go.

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Thank you everyone for your helpful opinions, it was very much appreciated!

 

I called him and was honest with him.....he actually laughed! I explained that how we have started seeing each other has been a little rocky (ie he was still kind of seeing someone/his clingy ex) and I just had a sudden weird feeling and as soon as I looked I instantly regretted it. He was totally understanding and not at all angry about it.

 

Owl, some very wise words. Before myself and this new guy got together, I have been doing A LOT of soul searching and reading up on breakups and my tendency to be codependent. A great book I read is called 'loving him without losing yourself'. I came to some big realizations and have since felt a lot stronger and more at peace with myself, so a lot of healing has taken place.

 

But yeah, I do agree with a lot of the red flags. However he said he has since 'broken up' with the other girl (it was only a few dates, was nothing "special") and yeah he wanted sex straight away, but I will admit so did I! We were flirting and could feel that tension for about a month or so and was hard to ignore!

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Well, red flags don't mean something is definitely wrong, as you know. They are just little reminders to look closer at a situation. And it seems you are going in with your eyes wide open. That's good. Terrific that you've been reading books, too. So many people think counseling and books are a waste of time. I always wonder how people can work on their outer selves and think that working on their inner selves is too hard or useless. I'll be checking out that book you recommended. Best of luck!

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Wait... so you aren't exclusive with this guy, you basically invade his privacy and he knows you invaded his privacy and has the good grace to explain to you calmly what the message (that was none of your business) meant... AND THEN YOU LIED ABOUT IT TO BOOT!

 

...and everyone's talking about HIS red flags?

 

Nu uh, lady, sorry. You're wayyyyyyy in the wrong and before you attempt to start dating again, you need to check yourself. Seriously.

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