Trying to get back with my exgirlfriend who is resistant!!

[John1]

Hello,

I was with my exgirlfriend for 4 years. We had a great relationship, she was my first love and I was hers. Now 12 months ago she went on holidays with her family for 2 weeks and during this holiday I cheated on her on a work night out.. I was very drunk and I kissed a girl that worked with me.. I was drunk but I still shouldnt have done it. Anyway a week later she came home and I told her that i think we should break up , she was devastated and was crying and asked for a reason. I told her I had met someone else ( I didnt but felt too guilty to tell her the truth, It was only a stupid kiss )

We split up.... Over the coming weeks I would try to contact her a lot..In the end she changed her phone number so I decided to write her letters... begging and pleading for a 2nd chance.. this went on for about 5 months..

At xmas I decided things had to change, she was still resistant with me, We had a great 4 year relationship and we were on the verge on moving in together.. We had plans for the future to get married and have kids etc.. We used to speak to each other 3-4 times a day and in the 11 months that we split up I have spoken to her maybe 10 or 11 times...

I have no way in contacting her as she changed her number and has moved out from home.

I recently bought a car ( which she always wanted me to get so we could go for drives to beach and into the city etc) so I decided to drive out to where she works, I heard from a friend that she walks home every day from work.. So I sat in my car at a gas station and waited and waited.. I hadnt seen or heard from her in 3.5 months so i decided that this might be a stupid idea but I wanted to see her and hopefully she might talk to me , i waited 90 minutes and there she was walking home , I got out of the car and walked over to her.. She was shocked to see me.. I said Hello , I was just wondering if we could talk, she said we have done all the talking.. i told her i was waiting for 90 minutes can she at least give me a few minutes to talk.. so we got into my car and we talked and we talked....Fair play to her , we talked for about 45 minutes...I told her that i love her and that im still in love with her.. she then said that she doesnt love me anymore ...she says i should move on that she has moved on....

 

She says we wouldnt have made it anyway.. that we were always fighting.... She then told me that I bought her a lot of things, which i did, but that I didnt treat her right as much as I should have... I agreed to that.. cos she was right in saying that...

 

I told her that i love her so much that its a year since ive been intimate with a girl and that girl is you rachel on our 4 year anniversary which is just 1 year now.. she said the same that its been a year for her too...

She has not been intimate with any guy since me and its 11 months since the split

She admitted to been with a few guys but nothing serious.... I told her that I changed, that a year ago I could never dream of owning a car but now I can as I dont drink anymore... She made it real clear that I wont be getting a 2nd chance that I had my chance and that I blew it....

 

I asked her kind of jokingly where she lived and she wouldnt tell me.. I kept asking her but wording it in different ways of giving me a 2nd chance but she plainly refused.. I told her that she will give some guy she doesnt know a chance but she wont give me one and she said ya thats the fun about not knowing the person...

I even said to Rachel that maybe the few months apart maybe might have changed her mind but no.. she still made it clear we will not be getting back together...

 

There was tears from me ... none from her.. she is just a strong person maybe i dont know...

 

She kind of got pissed off when i kept asking her about a 2nd chance but at least we talked anyway... I told her couples break up and then get back together and she replied that I watch too much tv.....

 

I made 1 stupid mistake and she refuses plainly to give me a 2nd chance... I told her we could take it slowly, very slowly....

 

She says shes not seeing anybody at the moment... I asked her could we see each other as " friends " maybe regularly.. She said she will think about it... I hope she really does...

 

The 11 months apart has not changed anything for me.. I still love her so much.. I put my hand on her knee... it felt so natural... I asked her could I kiss her to see if we still had the passion (kind of in a jokingly way ), she said if i did she would hit me...

 

 

It was productive anyway.. we got to say what we wanted to say both of us.. I just cant understand why she is been so resistant with me. I told her we had a great 4 years together and she agreed but she said that we had our bad moments too, but what couple doesnt?

 

 

I asked her could we meet up again regularly and she said she will "think about it".

 

I miss her so much.... She was my best friend and soul mate.....my lover and girlfriend.. That was 3 weeks ago.. I saw her in the shopping mall last week and we just said hello to each other and I asked her how she was and she said she was fine and I said good and said goodbye to her...

 

I just hope she changes her mind.. I know I hurt her telling her I met somebody else.. I was stupid... I just hope that she realises that she may still love me...

Its 12 months now since we split but I cant get her out of my head. Any advise please would be greatly appreciated.. thanks

[BreArna]

I hate to say , but i think she is over you.. it happens when uve been hurt. I think you should move on and make a life without her , she is being very very clear in what she wants, you need to respect that, even tho it is very hard. Good luck

[detox5]

I dunno, it seems to me that you are saying stuff and shes like agreeing or disagreeing with it, if she really dont wanna be with you dont u think she could easily look you in the eye and say look i dont like you anymore, get it through your thich head.

[JS1]

I dont know.. Like she told me she doesnt love me anymore.. It was upsetting to hear that.. We were together for 4 years.. I know 11 months had passed but still to hear her saying that was upsetting.

 

But she was in my car, looking through my cd collection.. she had her knees up against the dashboard.. she was relaxed...we talked about old times, work and things like that...

 

I asked her could I see her new bellybutton ring and she showed me... I put my hand on her leg, she didnt remove it.. I took some fluff from her face, she didnt remove my hand...We even had a bit of a laugh, I suggested toher could I kiss her to prove that we still have the chemistry .. She said not to kiss her...

I would love her to give me a 2nd chance.. Granted we would have to sit down and have a LONG talk..

But at the end of the day she said she doesnt love me that she has moved on and I should too... Maybe shes right.. But deep down I think she is just trying to hurt me like I hurt her too...

She hasnt been intimate since me.. and we did split up 11 months ago so thats positive... Shes very stubborn though.. She said I had my chance and I blew it, I told her that shes been harsh but she didnt agree so I dont know, I hope she changes her mind but I cant make her change her mind..

[NightLily]

It sounds to me like deep down she knows she is weak and she knows she could cave in to your pleading. She may have a bit of an attraction towards you but most likley everything in her being is screaming at her to stay away. She may have not wanted to kiss you to help her resist that urge. Most likley, if she feels this strongly about not wanting to be with you, it is what is best for her. And if you trully love her, you should probably respect that and give her some space.

 

Peace,

SuzyQ

[amaranth_04]

Hi,

 

I made 1 stupid mistake and she refuses plainly to give me a 2nd chance

 

wrong, not one.

 

 

I cheated on her on a work night out.. I was very drunk and I kissed a girl

I told her that i think we should break up , she was devastated and was crying and asked for a reason.

I told her I had met someone else ( I didnt but felt too guilty to tell her the truth, It was only a stupid kiss )

 

three.

 

Leave her alone. It's payback time. I'm not saying she's out to get revenge on you. I don't think she could be bothered and is probably too tired of it. I'm saying you made your bed, now lay in it.

 

Don't give the girl a hard time, pushing her. If she feels even the slightest bit hesitant, she has every right to, don't persuade her to feel otherwise. Her feelings are valid.

 

Yes, you did not deal with the situation in the smartest way. You made a bad situation worse. I'm not surprised that she seems distrustful of you now.

 

If she says she's over you, let her go. The ball is in her court, she can choose to serve it back or kick it out.

[amaranth_04]

I just realized... you're the one asking about the lovespell...

 

Leave this girl alone. Are you taking her feelings for a joke ? Enough's enough. You messed things up with her once already, well actually three that I've read here.. are you looking for a fourth ?

 

Leave her alone.

[John1]

yes I did ask about the lovespell..The reason I asked is because I was on another site like this, asking for advice and they said to get a Lovespell.

 

I said at the beginning of my post that I wouldnt get one as they are manipulative.I was just wondering what other people think about them if they heard of them..

 

And ya I made mistakes.. Who doesnt? Nobodys perfect and I never said I was perfect.. Ive made my mistake and paid the price for it so I dont need you to tell me where I went wrong..I go over it in my head every day asking myself why didnt I tell her the truth instead of telling her that I met someone else.

Im not perfect , I made a drunken mistake and was very very guilty, I love my ex and I made a huge mistake unless you have been in my position then you wont understand. Anyway thats all I wanted to say. I wont be going near any lovespells anyway... If she comes back it will be on her own choice, nothing else

[amaranth_04]

Hi again,

 

I did come accross harsh. I know nobody's perfect. It seemed to me you were pushing to get back with her just a bit too hard, like her feelings don't hold up as much as yours do.

 

unless you have been in my position then you wont understand

 

No, I've not been in your position so I can't guess at how guilty you must feel. But I have an idea how your ex feels, thereforeeee I was pushing for her perspective just that bit more.

 

I suppose it's one of those things you just have to learn from, make a good from the not so good. Good luck.

[ravens_folly]

Did you tell her that you lied to her and said you met someone else when you didn't? so she knows what really happened and why?

[John1]

amaranth - its ok, and if I sounded abrupt , i probably was at the time - then I apologise.

I try to see her point of view too...But its hard.. I know everyone or most of people here have split up with partners... Well we were together for 4 years and we were on the verge of taking the next step by moving in together ,we were both so excited about it... but it never happened, we were going to get married and have kids etc and spend the rest of our lives together.. Thats what makes it all the worse, is that we finished over a stupid lie where I could not face up to telling her the truth...

 

Yes I have written to her and told her the truth and I have told her the truth to her face..At least she is considering meeting up regularly for talks/coffee.. .she said she would think about it anyway, so thats something. I appreciate your feedback , thanks

[amaranth_04]

Yes, at least she's open to seeing you again. Good luck x

[CC]

hey i'm going through the same as you. i keep on begging for a second chance. i can't seem to stop contacting my ex but i'm going away hoping that he will miss me. i really hope things go well for you. i know what it feels like being told that "it just didnt work out" and then feeling really bad about it because you never got a chance to work it out. i feel your pain and i hope you get better.

[raider5]

Buddy you're not going to get a lot of sympathy here. You need to realize something:

 

There are guys who would not cheat on their girls EVEN IF THEY ARE DRUNK! There are guys that would pony up and admit what they did and not break up with their girls.

 

I suspect that you HAVE TO change something that is inherent in your personality that made you do those things. I don't know if you're capable of this level of change--a lot of people arn't. But there is something about you that made you do what you did.

 

SURE YOU DESERVE A CHANCE ONCE YOU'VE REALIZED YOUR MISTAKE. People cheat, and people deserve second chances. But you deserve every single tear if you don't change who you are. Because you'll probably just do the same thing again.

 

But good luck.

[Belle]

I'm afraid I agree with Raider. It sounds like you were extremely immature about the break up, and there is no real reason for this girl to trust or respect you again. If she did take you back right away or even at all, I'd say she's foolish. You need to work out why you did what you did with no respect for her feelings, FIX IT, and try to show her that you've changed. It sounds like you only regret your actions because you lost her and then realized "oh $hit, I love this girl". Even if you hadn't loved her it wouldn't have been the proper way to treat a person. Figure it out. Do the work. Then see what happens.

 

Belle

[NightLily]

I know that I don't know this girl, Rachel, but.. it sounds to me like if she gave you a second chance.. you COULDN'T make it work. She seems to have some trust issues with you--rightfully. If she were to get back together with you right now I would say she was being foolish. After a guy does something like that to you, often, after time, they will come running back. And when they do, they will usually clean up their act and beg. The women that cave in are often (nearly always) hurt again. She knows this, and she has desided to protect her heart. She has no idea if you are that "type" of guy that does that stuff or if you just slipped up. She most likely never will and if you got back together she wouldn't be able to trully trust you. You would most likely always have small to .. huge.. trust issues. That would put a SERIOUS strain on your relationship and almost make it not worth even having a relationship in the first place.

 

The sad truth is, if she can't trust you.. she would never be happy in a relationship with you.

 

-SuzyQ

[Spirits Away]

I personally think what has happened isn't really much... I was reading through the forum but didn't understand what "love spell" is and how that's manipulative... But hopefully it shouldn't affect my opinion about your case..

 

This is what i think... I think at the time when you ask for a break up, you really do want one and feel that there are no chemistry between u guys anymore... so it's not... actually a mistake, at least at the time you were saying it. At the interval between the breakup and current, she was really hurt... and the only way to relief that pain is to justify to herself that you're not worth it. there is a few proof that she can justify it to herself. That includes

 

1. you kissed a girl while she's gone, *you might do the same again

 

2. you asked for a break up of a 4 year relationship after you met a girl, *you don't treat this relationship as important, and it's only a thing that you would care less about

 

3. while you guys were apart... she might continuously think about all the arguments between u guys... and i think that's the strongest justification she made to herself

 

I personally think, from how you explained your encounter with her, that she's a girl who is worth being with, since even after the breakup, she still considered your feelings by letting you pat her while you guys were in a car and afterwards told u that you should move on.

 

Still, I think you really want to leave a good impression on her even after the 11 month break-up... I believe all the people on the forum here is correct and i'm sure they talked you out of hoping already since they're very accurate. But you might feel that you should leave a good impression in hope that she'll come back to you someday...

 

So if that's the case, do this

 

From all that she justified to herself (above 3 points) and probably even more that you thought of, you must admit (if that's how things are like)... and promise that you wont' be like that ever again

If what she justified really isn't how it's like, you should confirm that you really do care

 

give no pressure for her at all (i think that's the only thing u did wrong... is giving her too much pressure in going back with you)

not by saying "i won't pressure you" but by saying things that confirms that you moved on as well, so she won't feel as though you're saying what u said because u still want to be with her, and your promises 'might' come as sounding fake. And lastly, offer help if she ever needs it and that you won't bother her if that's something she feels disturbed in.

 

You know, i'm all for you... I personally think u should get a 2nd chance because it's not a severe thing to just kiss a girl (lets hope you didn't understate that part) and that it IS A 4 YEAR RELATIONSHIP... I know my advice doesn't come as helpful to get her back, but honestly i think that's the only choice you have if you want it to approach in a way that you still want respect from her and stuff... I'm sorry to give you this bad news once again that you have to accept the fact that she moved on...

[John1]

Hello,

Thanks for all the advise.

I agree that I put too much pressure on Rachel, I just dont understand maybe Im expecting way too much from her... Like yesterday she was telling me her news and we were talking like we used to ....she was showing me her newly pedicured feet, she lifted the sleeve in my t-shirt to see my new tattoo.. thats another thing we have in common , we have 3 tattoos each.. anyway, it felt great to be able to talk to Rachel again... I agree what ye say about trust issues....

I feel we COULD make it if she gave us another go.... We would have to have a lot of long talks though..... Like I know what you are saying... if hes done it once, he could do it again... well all I can say to that is I WONT DO IT AGAIN...i cant totally blame alcohol on this but it was a stupid drunken kiss with a girl i work with... now this girl was gorgeous, BUT i work with her every day and just didnt think about her like that, as I was in serious relationship with Rachel and she had a serious boyfriend too... And yes it was only a stupid 5 second kiss, and I made it out to be a lot worse than that and now ive lost Rachel probably for good..

When I saw Rachel yesterday i just thought that maybe if we could meet up every few weeks or so for coffee or go for a drive, especially as she has no boyfriend at the moment that we could at least talk.... But she always thinks about the negative things that happened in our relationship.. for example I asked her if she would like to come to the funfair next week, we used to have great times at the fair when we were together and she said ya you never wanted to go on the high rides with me... Im terrified of heights to tell you the truth.. and in fact i did go on some rollercoasters with rachel so she wouldnt be on them on her own.... but she always seems to bring up the negative things and there wasnt many...

When you say to offer her help.... Yesterday I offered her financial help if she needed it.. she works in a creche so not great money.. she said no it was ok... I said if she was ever stuck for a ride to work or into town to give me a ring and I could collect her...

 

Im probably expecting way too much ... but the fact of the matter is im in love with Rachel.. That might be hard to believe for some of ye especially the way i ended our relationship..but that is the biggest regret in my life... ive quite a few regrets from the past 12 months.....

 

She told me I should move on. .I told her im trying.. .i told her that since xmas i have been done a lot better but before xmas i was in pieces....

 

Couples do breakup and they do get back together.. its all about COMMUNICATION at the end of the day.....

I dont know, its not my decision if we ever get back together ... its Rachels ... I never wanted us to break up so I cant really explain why I did what I did 12 months ago.. I wish I could but I cant. Our relationship was the most important thing I had going in my life.. I love(d) Rachel so very much and I still do.

Thanks for your replies, its much appreciated.

John