My bfs girl friends and being an independant woman!!!

[KimKar]

Hey, so basically my bf and I have been together 1 1/2 and this post is basically about my insecurity/ jealousy. Well I never bought the guy/ girl friendship. I believe one person always likes the other, if not that they def flirt with them. Most guy friends I've had flirt with me and whenever I see friendships one person or both is always flirting or obviously likes the other. Anyway, my boyfriend is the only one I've ever been with who had girls as friends. He has random HS friends but hes 26 now and they all live in NY, we are in jersey so hes lost touch, but many work girl friends because he works in a hospital so there is just a big mix there.

 

Although I don't believe in guy/ girl friendships I should really say I don't believe in taking them too far, when you have a gf or bf meaning def not exchanging #s.So needless to say weve gotten in fights, hes never done anything to make me believe he is doing me wrong, but I just dont like the idea. I kind of got over some parts in a sense like him having every girl acquintance ever on facebook ( which he had before we were together so understandble) and him randomnly speaking to people on IM. He is very open with me ( he gave me his password as I said and I can tell he has nothing to hide and I don't think he is cheating or flirting, BUT I just HATE IT!

 

Out of people from his job he only had a few girls in his phone and Ive met all these people girls/guys from his job, but I still don't really feel texting is appropriate with certain people. There was this girl who had a crazyyyy crush on him after he danced with her at a christmas party ( lol). After that she would comment on his every word on facebook. I later found out she gave him her # on some "If you ever want to talk, call me" pick up line . He feels she is harmless because she is very unattractive but I felt disrespected. Im a girl I know what a girl is trying to do... Anyway he cut off any contact with her except on a work level since he was never friends with her in the first place. Anyway he is always oblivious to people taking it too far anyway he feels they are just being nice. I guess it shouldnt bother me if he doesnt flirt back but again I hate it. I know I am being insecure but honestly I've tried to stop it, but I feel so strongly I don't like to just hide my feelings and be miserable. I dont have guy friends mostly because I went to an all girls hs, I had a boyfriend through hs, the college I go to is small and I do education so virtually NO guys are in any of my classes. I have 2 good guy friends but I only talk to them very rarely and I dont have their #. Also my job has no guys working there so lol it sucks for me because I cant even show him how it feels or identify.

 

Anyway he gets mad at me and of course calls me jealous when I get mad at him which I am in a way, but its not of the girl its of him speaking to the girl. He always says "why the hell are u jealous of her" Im not jealous of her im jealous of him speaking to her. Which I never say I only say, Im not jealous its my view on the situation and I feel it is disrespectful, which I def do. He is also independent, which he should be at 26, had his own apt for a while, etc etc. I am 22, I live with my mom so I don't have that on my own mentality yet, but don't get me wrong he is still an immature GUY. I cook, clean, need to help him on financial/ professional related issues, keep on top of him about bills, money saving. I dont do it in a * * * * * y way just a gf way im just trying to say its not like im a baby lol and hes a mature man, no no. Anyway he likes me to play a little hard to get, we used to see eachother everyday, not anymore I like the space better too. I mean I stay the weekend by him so we see eachother a lot and talk alot but it is still nice space.

 

Im sorry I wrote so much, but this is the happenings of a year n a half all consolidated lol. So I want to be strong, not let this girl thing bother me, play more hard to get and just kinda act like I don't need him because now I KNOW he thinks I need him, he knows I hate this girl stuff and let it bother me.I just don't want him to think he can get to me and also that I am fine without him. He treats me very good but i just want him to realllyyy want me again and be in awe of how independent I've become.

 

So what is your advice on the whole situation, my feeling, guy/girl friendships. Anything you want to tell me is appreciated. I just think my friends side with me of course, his side with him so I want unbiasedopinion. Thanks in advance

[Blue Skittles]

I don't think it is bad or inappropriate for a guy to be friends with a girl of the opposite sex. Again, its about trusting him. If he has given you his passwords and he has nothing to hide then I wouldn't worry about it.

 

I have guy friends that I wouldn't even consider hitting on, or flirting with. Some are from highschool, some are the ones I work with now. I talk to guys at work and sometimes we make phonecalls for professional reasons, other than that its nothing. I would hate to know that one of my friends wifes or girlfriends is getting upset about me talking to them!

 

Even my bf has some pretty close girlfriends, and of course at first i was a little skeptical, but didn't say anything until i got a feel for his friendships and realized it was all harmless - girls who have long term boyfriends and are excited for him to be in a new relationship.

[LilBear]

I think it's trust and jealousy issues on your part. Has your bf done anything to make you feel insecure? Like, flirts with girls, have flighty conversations with his girl friends? Personally, I see nothing wrong with having guy/girl friends while in a relationship. One of my bf's closest friend is female (older, but still female) and I'm OK with him hanging out with her, and he doesn't have problems with me hanging out with my guy friends either. The trust is there, so I feel that you do not trust your guy around girls. You are attracted to him, so chances are, other girls may be too. But you have to trust him to stay true to you, and to reject the advances from other girls. Do you trust him?

 

As for being an independent woman, playing hard to get isn't going to get you anywhere. I don't live with my bf either, and we see each other once or twice a week (sleepovers included). We chat on Skype everyday for an hour or so. Otherwise, I occupy myself with work, going out with friends, and enjoying alone time, usually reading books. Have time for yourself, and time for him.

[Keyman]

It's a hard situation for you. I am currently dating, and there are two women I hang out with that I consider to be my best friends. Theya re both there for me and I am there for them. There is no attraction between us, only friends. So the suggestion taht girls and guys can't be friends without there being some form of attraction from at least one side, is not true. I've always made friends with girls, I find they are a lot easier to talk to that guys, especially around relationship issues.

 

From what you have said, the only way that you will feel totally respected by him is if he cuts all contact with all women except for family and you. From what you have written, it would seem that he is trying to be as respectful as he can, by telling you everything, by giving you access to his private communication means, introducing you his female friends. Honestly, I would be horrified if a new girlfriend told me I couldn't talk, text, hangout with my female friends because she had insecurities. And more than likely I would end up breaking up with her if she pushed too hard.

 

So, that comes to the crux of the issue, I think he is doing everything he can to alleviate your insecurities, now you have to get past it yourself and just let him be the person that he is. from this point, you are trying to control who he hangs out with, who he speaks to and what he does, and that doesn't seem right to me. Just because you think one way, doesn't mean he has to, and if that is a requirement for you, then perhaps it's time to find someone that better matches up to what you do want in a man.

 

oh and btw, you are disrespecting him by posting this in an open forum, by putting him down and calling him immature.

[hexaemeron]

I remember you. You're the one who posted your bf didn't constantly tell you that you were the second coming of Woman at all times. I'm not surprised you're having confidence issues. You never got around to being secure on your own terms. Until you do, there will always be another 900 reasons why you feel insecure.

[Blackey]

I have just broken up about 3 months ago from my gf of a year or so, despite of me really loving her, one of our biggest problems was that she was way to jealous and insecure because im a really friendly guy, and in addition to the guy friends that i have, I also have LOTS of girl friends, what can i say im just a social guy and love to keep many friendships around me.

Regardless of how many times i told her that i love her and she was the only one for me, she kept on being obssesive about it, and it was really unhealthy.

It always a serious issue, and perhaps one of the things that let our relationship down.

Im sure that the guy really loves you, and he will NEVER go and cheat on you with any one of these girl friends. It is just you have to understand that it is his personality to be social, and he really needs it, if you will try to stop him from socializing with people, he will feel trapped and your relationship will get into hot water.

If you really love the guy and want to be with him, try to work on your insecurities and know one thing that this guy also loves you, and that he will never cheat on you with these girl friends of his.

 

By the way, I know that it is not really connected but i have to ask , what astrological signs are you guys?

[KimKar]

Wow im pissed because my computer messed up and I just lost all i wrote to everyone, anyway urgh...

 

Blue skittles, yes that is good, but you said these girls are in relationships and happy for him. Would u feel the same about a single girl who is obviously flirting or being overly friendly? That is my concern because if that happens my bf tends to not notice if someone is being flirty, etc. That is true though I mean he is friends with girls who I like also I don't just hate everyone for being his friend is they are female it really depends on their attitude, but no matter how nice a girl was I still wouldnt feel comfortable with them having phone convos or texting really often.

 

Lilbear, no I don't have any reason not to trust him. He has ocassionally with held info ( not tell me certain things, a certain person is somewhere, someone who I don't really like texting him, etc.) but if I ask him directly he wont lie so..By saying hard to get I just mean exactly what you said just not being so available and occupying my time better, I don't mean not answering his calls or anything like that.

 

Keyman, I have to say that is really dumb, I'm not using his name or my name and that is what the whole forum is dedicated to, sharing relationship problems, situations, etc...hmmmmm...Also I wasn't being dead serious just kidding around about him being immature. I was just saying we are on the same level he is not Mr.independent who doesn't need any help with anything. About your advice, thanks it was very helpful I will try to meet him halfway and really work on myself.

 

Oh darling hex I kinda wanna smack ya for that first part, but you are gay so I gues being b*tchy is in your nature Anywayyyy...I wanted him to say sweet things and be more romantic for example telling me I'm beautiful, or he is lucky to have me, not just saying I'm hot every 3 secs. I do agree with you on the rest, I am insecure, but I really don't know why or how to fix it. If I think about it I really have no reason to be, but I can't help the emotions I feel and emotions are usually not logical. Thats why I need help maybe on some ways to improve myself or how to not be insecure or think in a neg way thats why I'm asking for suggestions. Everyone feels insecure at times so what do you do for example when you are feeling that way?

 

Blackey thanks for the advice you said it very well and I often feel the exact way you put it. Thats why I am asking this because I feel either I won't be able to deal with this or he wont and it will ruin a great relationshi for no reason. The way he describes himself and the situation is EXACTLEY how you did. I guess I should realize he won't do anything wrong and even if a girl was being flirty or trying to come onto him he would reject her. He is taurus and I am a leo, whats that mean lol? I am not really farmiliar with astrology.

 

 

I would like to restate what I said to skittles.. He is friends with girls who I like also I don't just hate everyone for being his friend if they are female. It really depends on their attitude, towards him and also me. But no matter how nice a girl was I still wouldnt feel comfortable with them having phone convos or texting really often.

[Kyoot_Panda]

My bf has female friends, most of which I know, I do feel uneasy about it sometimes but he reassures me that I have noting to worry about. He gets hit on multiple times a day when he's out or at work, including by his boss, he gets lots of numbers but he just throws them away. It makes me feel great that girls flirt with him because I know I've got a winner.

I'm feeling that you are just insecure with yourself, as if you don't feel good enough, maybe? Or perhaps you are jealous that he's giving attention to other females and not to you?

[KimKar]

Ya probably both I mean he gives me plenty of attention, but it still gets me jealous and I guess I am just insecure I don't really know why though..thats the missionnn i guess!!

[KimKar]

no one else???

[girlfriday]

I am a girl with mostly guy friends. My BF never had an issue with this as he's not a jealous person and neither am I. I have been with guys who HAVE been jealous and it did put a strain on my friendships.

 

One thing you you have know for yourself through experience is that THERE ARE SUCH things as platonic friends. I swear there is. Just because there is chemistry between two people does not mean they are sexually attracted to each other. I have male friends who I am very close with. I tell my my issues like I would to a girl and they tell me the same. Their GFs approve of our friendship.

[KimKar]

Ok well I will try to believe you but its hard lol. I mean I do accept the friendships that I feel are truly genuine, but if someone rubs me the wrong way or I get a certain sense I tend to follow my gut feeling and then overreact. I do have a very good woman's intuition though I have to say so...idk...

 

Well I am doing better I mean I vowed to stay off facebook for lent and myself because I end up looking all over my bfs page and then getting upset for no reason. So for me this is a good step because im trusting him and not looking through all that stuff. I am just trying to go little by little and really give him the trust he deserves he really has earned it.

 

Also, he got fired , but he is home and wherever else meaning hes not at work and not in a definite spot, which I think has kinda helped also. You know not knowing for sure where he is and then calling having him of course answer and seeing that hes not doing anything "wrong" helps. Also the week after this happened, it was very unfair so alot of people including females would call or text him to see what had happened or how he was and I totally accepted that and didn't overreact so I also think it was a good step for me. I am just working on myself, making myself feel good and def on my trust, but I still won't be naive. I will follow my gut and heart if I feel uneasy but instead of accusing I will try to approach it in a better way.