LAYAAN Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 I recently went on a date with a divorced man. He sent me an email yesterday that he doesn't feel like going ahead. Alright, but I have a question. When he first called me he said "My divorce is not final yet." Me "Call me back when you have your paper." So, he called back and said that his divorce is final now. I trusted him and met him but I didn't check if he was telling the truth or not. I went online yesterday and checked the status. It still shows that they are legally separated (someone on ENA taught me to look up these records). Why is it so? Is it because there is some mistake and the website is not updated or this man lied to me? Does the status ever get updated and open for others to see? Do you need to pay to see this record? I'm only trying to educate myself so I won't get fooled again. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 Where exactly are you getting this online information? Does it come from the legal system where his divorce is coming through? There is a lot of not so accurate information on the internet and information that is not up-to-date so I am not sure I would trust what you found on the internet. Link to comment
norsewoman Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 In my state, there can be a lag time- sometimes a couple of days to a couple of weeks, before the information is available online. You might ask him what day his divorce went through. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted February 22, 2010 Author Share Posted February 22, 2010 it is the superior court of california, county of SD's website. It seems authentic. What can be more authentic than this? Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 The Counties have cut staff like crazy lately so it wouldn't surprise me if it takes a month for it to get updated. Lost Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted February 22, 2010 Author Share Posted February 22, 2010 He got back in touch with me on 1st Sept, 2009 and said that his divorce process has been complete now and he has all the required papers. So, its been more than 5 months. I would hope that the county records are updated no later than a couple of months. I really don't know who to trust anymore. Next time on, I'll steer clear of divorced men. He kept saying "I have been through abusive relationship." He mentioned that he won't tolerate physical and verbal abuse. I wonder what that girl did to him. I have heard that some women physically fight their husbands, but I highly doubt any normal Indian girl would do that. They are too afraid of getting divorced and being called "used goods". Indian girls try their best to make their marriage work. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 He got back in touch with me on 1st Sept, 2009 and said that his divorce process has been complete now and he has all the required papers. So, its been more than 5 months. I would hope that the county records are updated no later than a couple of months. I really don't know who to trust anymore. Next time on, I'll steer clear of divorced men. He kept saying "I have been through abusive relationship." He mentioned that he won't tolerate physical and verbal abuse. I wonder what that girl did to him. I have heard that some women physically fight their husbands, but I highly doubt any normal Indian girl would do that. They are too afraid of getting divorced and being called "used goods". Indian girls try their best to make their marriage work. Abuse comes in all shapes and sizes. It may be a stereotype that all Indian girls try to make their marriage girls or a typical Indian girl won't do that. Just like girls of any other ethnicity, there are girls that have great marriages with open communication and some that do not. There are men and women of every culture that are abusive. While the woman may not have had a fistfight with her husband, she could have been emotionally abusive - called him stupid and fat all the time, belittled him, pitted family against him, told secrets that he only shared with her to the whole neighborhood = there are lots of things. She could have married someone she didn't want to do, and it just made her miserable. She could have hit him also. Also, if you are not seeing him again, why snoop in county records? The county records are not really intended for people just to dig dirt. It sometimes does take time to update things in systems, and also, did you have the name right? Sometimes there are people with the same name or similar spellings. In addition, due to privacy, you may have been able to get the accurate info from the county if you went there, but they may have a policy of not updating that type of information immediately online for the sake of privacy. Also, when he mentioned he was in the process of a divorce, it could have been that he was legally seperated long ago. Some states require that you be seperated for months or even a year before the actual divorce is filed. It could be that the marriage was long over and he was just waiting for the rest of the papers. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 I think avoiding all divorced men is a mistake. You are judging all of us by one man. If I were to do that I would think all women cheat on their husbands. Many men will not take any physical action against a woman no matter how badly they are beaten by the woman. To raise your hand to a woman for any reason is not acceptable. Learn to spot red flags earlier. Just getting out of an abusive relationship is a red flag. Dating before the divorce is final may be a red flag. Dating before being healed all the way is a big red flag. As far as being used goods goes that is a cultural thing many men do not believe in. Lost Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted February 24, 2010 Author Share Posted February 24, 2010 I think avoiding all divorced men is a mistake. You are judging all of us by one man. If I were to do that I would think all women cheat on their husbands. Many men will not take any physical action against a woman no matter how badly they are beaten by the woman. To raise your hand to a woman for any reason is not acceptable. Learn to spot red flags earlier. Just getting out of an abusive relationship is a red flag. Dating before the divorce is final may be a red flag. Dating before being healed all the way is a big red flag. As far as being used goods goes that is a cultural thing many men do not believe in. Lost Yes, I had that concern from the beginning itself. He talked a lot of about his ex and constantly blamed her. It was a waste of my time. I'm here to see if we are compatible. I'm not your therapist. The 4 things that he mentioned... who in his/her right mind will say that I don't agree with those? These are basic things in a marriage or even any relationship. So, when he wrote me back that he is looking for very specific things in a person, I thought to myself, what in me told you that you would go through an abusive relationship with me? This man is clearly traumatized and hasn't healed and may think he knows what he is looking for but doesn't know how to spot it. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Very true. Please remember you are hearing only his side of the marriage. It sounds like he picked his ex apart and now wants to find a woman with all the perfect qualities. This of course does not exist. Consider this a learning experience. Take everything with a grain of salt when you first meet someone. Many times people only remember the bad their partner did, not their part in all of it. Lost Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted February 24, 2010 Author Share Posted February 24, 2010 You are right. It amazes me how people bash their partners (that they were once in love with) in front of others once love is gone. Come on, you were with this person for a while. What does it say about you then? Yes, you are right. I have to chalk this up to learning experience and I hope that I won't make the same mistake again. Thank you lost for your support. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 25, 2010 Share Posted February 25, 2010 Anytime. Your search is not an easy one. Lost Link to comment
uncomfynumb Posted February 26, 2010 Share Posted February 26, 2010 Everything else aside, dating someone straight out of a relationship, especially a marriage, is usually a recipe for disaster. Don't be the rebound girl. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted February 27, 2010 Share Posted February 27, 2010 Check the county website in which the divorce took place. It should be under the court records section. I would allow a week or 2 for updating, since he said it just became final. All divorces are public record. No fee to check the county site. Link to comment
BriarRose Posted February 27, 2010 Share Posted February 27, 2010 I think avoiding all divorced men is a mistake. You are judging all of us by one man. If I were to do that I would think all women cheat on their husbands. Many men will not take any physical action against a woman no matter how badly they are beaten by the woman. To raise your hand to a woman for any reason is not acceptable. Learn to spot red flags earlier. Just getting out of an abusive relationship is a red flag. Dating before the divorce is final may be a red flag. Dating before being healed all the way is a big red flag. As far as being used goods goes that is a cultural thing many men do not believe in. Lost I agree. You will rule out many wonderful men by ruling out all divorced men. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted February 27, 2010 Share Posted February 27, 2010 Everything else aside, dating someone straight out of a relationship, especially a marriage, is usually a recipe for disaster. Don't be the rebound girl. I agree with the above. I think this guy lied to you and his divorce papers are not final (I could be wrong of course). If this is the same guy you were talking about in another thread ..... Just something very very fishy about him and sends alarm bells my way. I wouldn't trust him as far as I can throw him, but that's just me. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted February 27, 2010 Author Share Posted February 27, 2010 Everything else aside, dating someone straight out of a relationship, especially a marriage, is usually a recipe for disaster. Don't be the rebound girl. I should have thought about this before. Thank you so much. I don't know why I didn't think about it. My anxiousness about marriage and feeling like I'm getting old is not going to serve me well. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted February 27, 2010 Author Share Posted February 27, 2010 I agree with the above. I think this guy lied to you and his divorce papers are not final (I could be wrong of course). If this is the same guy you were talking about in another thread ..... Just something very very fishy about him and sends alarm bells my way. I wouldn't trust him as far as I can throw him, but that's just me. What other thread are you referring to? Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted February 27, 2010 Share Posted February 27, 2010 My anxiousness about marriage and my getting old is not going to serve me well. Tinu, why are so anxious to get married? Can't you be happy and single? Why do you need marriage to make you happy? Are you just looking for any guy to marry just because you want to be married? It would be better to at least date a guy for at the very least a year to make sure he's the right one etc etc. (I haven't really followed your posts so I'm just trying to understand why so anxious to get married). Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted February 27, 2010 Share Posted February 27, 2010 What other thread are you referring to? I think it was in the Dating forum - something about "how to reply to something"? Not sure anymore, lol. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted February 27, 2010 Author Share Posted February 27, 2010 I think it was in the Dating forum - something about "how to reply to something"? Not sure anymore, lol. Oh, yes, 99% of Indian men ask me finance related Qs on 1st date. So, I wasn't sure how to respond, because I hate talking about money on 1st date. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted February 27, 2010 Author Share Posted February 27, 2010 Tinu, why are so anxious to get married? Can't you be happy and single? Why do you need marriage to make you happy? Are you just looking for any guy to marry just because you want to be married? It would be better to at least date a guy for at the very least a year to make sure he's the right one etc etc. (I haven't really followed your posts so I'm just trying to understand why so anxious to get married). You are right. Your Q got me thinking. Why am I anxious to get married? I don't know. Really, I don't know. More than anxiousness to get married, I think, I'm tired of looking and getting turned down. My self-esteem has taken a big hit through this process. I believe that waiting won't get me a better quality man (some women on this forum have tried to tell me sincerely that my belief is wrong and I appreciate their efforts). In fact I feel that if I wait any longer than this I will just be wasting my time and won't be able to find even a normal guy, forget about high-quality material. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 Oh, yes, 99% of Indian men ask me finance related Qs on 1st date. So, I wasn't sure how to respond, because I hate talking about money on 1st date. i'd say something along the lines of "I make what the typical xxxxx makes in this city" and change the topic. i mean, he can go figure it out!!! i agree, don't write off divorced men. but i would definitely be wary of getting involved with someone who spent the entire date talking about their ex!! Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 You are right. Your Q got me thinking. Why am I anxious to get married? I don't know. Really, I don't know. More than anxiousness to get married, I think, I'm tired of looking and getting turned down. My self-esteem has taken a big hit through this process. I believe that waiting won't get me a better quality man (some women on this forum have tried to tell me sincerely that my belief is wrong and I appreciate their efforts). In fact I feel that if I wait any longer than this I will just be wasting my time and won't be able to find even a normal guy, forget about high-quality material. i think men can smell your desperation and it is turning them off. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted March 1, 2010 Author Share Posted March 1, 2010 Annie, I don't talk to men about marriage, engagement, commitment, nothing. I just try to listen to them, try to stay on neutral topics. I don't get 2nd dates because like I mentioned most men ask me finance related Qs and they want to know all the details on 1st date. It shuts me off and they can sense that... not the desperation. They can sense my lack of interest from that point on. Link to comment
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