Just a vent - good news and bad news

[rapunzel]

The good news is I have stopped crying. I only find myself crying about once every two weeks or so, and it's often not even about him. I was crying every day for a LONG time.

 

The other good news is I'm starting to date. There are a few guys who seem interested in me and I went on my first date with one last week. The I had a nice time but of course, am not terribly attracted to him. I'm feeling pretty relaxed about this guy and dating in general. I am doing OK alone and just accepting life on it's own terms. Not going to do online dating for a while, I just can't stomach it. Another guy I met in real life called last week and I'll probably eventually go out with him also. And today I'm meeting up with an old friend who I *think* might like me, I'm not sure about him as a romantic prospect but he's a blast to hang out with so we'll see.

 

The bad news is I'm still attracted to my ex. It's been 1.5 years. I accept that I am attracted to him. He's gorgeous and he smells nice. So that's just the way it is. I haven't quit the band and I'm glad that I have not as we some really exciting gigs coming up. I *know* I would be kicking myself if I had quit. Not sure if I will continue past this year, we shall see. The good news is I've stopped rehashing the past so much and I've stopped kicking myself over and over for screwing it up, or perceiving that it was my fault. He's been friendlier to me lately and I even caught him looking at me with that glint in his eye at a rehearsal a few weeks ago. I think he broke up with the woman he was dating, although I don't know for sure but she hasn't been to any of our shows since October so it seems likely.

 

I know nothing will happen with him while I'm still in the band, and actually, *most likely* nothing will happen with him PERIOD nor should I want it to. How could I ever trust that his feelings were authentic? I know he would not risk screwing things up in the band so he will stay away from me, other than as a colleague, or a 'friend" while we are in this group together.

 

Which brings me to the next good and bad news. We are communicating a bit more, but it's mostly about band business. I still get a little *flurry* when I see an email from him but that is calming down a bit. He did come over to talk to me at a rehearsal when he learned I finally used the massage gift certificate he gave me for my birthday last June. The massage therapist must have told him as I did not. He initiated this conversation and was very friendly, smiley, standing close to me. But I know it meant nothing. He also talked to me more at our last gig. But I know it meant nothing.

 

So onwards and upwards! ACCEPTANCE of what is.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Good for you. Honestly, his body language and everything is very deliberate...that is how he gets the ladies hooked. From everything you have written, he sounds like a classic player. Aside from physical attraction, knowing how to turn on the charm and being outwardly successful, he really doesn't have anything much going for him in the "relationship-worthy" category. There are lots of highly successful men like him...all fluff and no substance...all glitz and appearances but totally empty inside...like those large chocolate Easter Bunnies.

[rapunzel]

Thanks CAD. I realize why he would come accross as a "player", from the way I have described him, and you may be right. However, I do think he wants to be in love and find the right woman, I do believe this. But I know he has intimacy issues as he told me he tends to "run" when things get emotional. His sister 2 years older than him died in a tragic accident when he was 13. He has been in therapy to try to learn why he flees from relationships and if this was a factor. He has suffered depression over his failed relationships.

 

So I don't believe he's as bad as all that. And I'm not defending him, I just think he's a flawed human like the rest of us.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Thanks CAD. I realize why he would come accross as a "player", from the way I have described him, and you may be right. However, I do think he wants to be in love and find the right woman, I do believe this. But I know he has intimacy issues as he told me he tends to "run" when things get emotional. His sister 2 years older than him died in a tragic accident when he was 13. He has been in therapy to try to learn why he flees from relationships and if this was a factor. He has suffered depression over his failed relationships.

 

So I don't believe he's as bad as all that. And I'm not defending him, I just think he's a flawed human like the rest of us.

 

Yes, but remember that he lied about his age, was looking for someone much younger than him, and seems to generally conduct himself like a horny teen all over his new squeezes in public. Narcissists are not happy people and are deeply troubled...but they are still "all about me".

[rapunzel]

Hmm...well, yeah, you do have a point there.

 

Thanks for reminding me, I do tend to gloss over the bad stuff with him.

[BlueRizla]

Hey Rapunzel.. Glad you are feeling a bit better. I am concerned this lift in your situation may have something to do with him splitting with his partner and also catching him looking at you. Just asking you to consider that. I'm sure I'm wrong as you are clearly moving on, dating and taking control of your emotions and your life.

[Ms Darcy]

I think this is progress! Good for you.

[rapunzel]

I have made *some* progress. as I said. Not crying every day is progress. Going out with other guys and having fun with them is progress. But I'm not over it. I'm not over him. I've accepted that as long as I'm contact with him for work, it's going to take much, much, much longer. I've chosen to stay, to continue with the work we do together as the best decision for me - at this juncture. Leaving the group would have created pain for me as well....certainly a different kind of pain.

 

We have a high profile show coming up with a nationally know musician and had I quit, I would not be part of it. I'd be sitting at home, kicking myself for leaving the group over a stupid guy who didn't realize how great I am. He'd be performing at that show, I'd be home crying into my pillow and well, 'nuff said.

 

That is the key: realizing how great I am. If I could get to this place, really KNOW and feel it and believe it - then I would be OK. I know this battle is with my *own* demons and at this point does not have a lot to do with him. Well, I need to believe that and understand that. I still feel it's about *him* but I realize it is not. The self-love is the place where I am stuck. I still romanticize him as "the one who got away". I still think he's somehow above me. Even though I have stopped dissecting every little thing that happened, I still fundamentally believe that I screwed things up. I hate to admit that, but I do. Yet I can look at the pathology of that way of thinking and recognize it as "stinkin' thinkin'". That's all it is. Once again it just comes down to my THOUGHTS. It's that simple.

 

My thought today: Everything is as it should be in my universe. Everything is OK. I love myself, I love the people in my life and they love me. I love my ex, I love my ex-ex, I love my friend I hung out with last night. I wish the best for them and I wish the best for me. I love the way the sun came up this morning, I love my cup of coffee, I love the present moment and I accept life the way it is today. Everything is as it should be. All is well in my world.

[Batya33]

Most of this sounds great and it's all due to your actions (ok except for his breakup but I'm not so sure that's so great for you) - so yes yes be proud! I'm not going to say I hope things work out with one of these other guys because honestly, right now what I hope for you is that things continue to work out with you - the path you are on is great - and of course with your music. Then you can handle all those suitors banging down your door, ok?

[rapunzel]

Thanks Batya. I am not so sure he has broken up, by the way. I understand why you think that thought it not good for me. I agree with you on that point.

 

I know he's not ever coming back and that's OK. It's just what is and it's completely out of my control.

 

Yes, I have 3 suitors at the moment. For a while it was 4. I also have a stalker (a guy who comes to all our shows) but that's another story.

 

Right now I have some freakin' dental issues I have to attend to so all of this is going to have to take a back seat to attending to my health. I missed going to the dentist last year and I can only blame it on my depression over this, and now I'm facing the music. Gheesh.

[rapunzel]

I lied. I thought I was doing better. I guess I'm not. I'm sitting here feeling lonely and crying my eyes out on a Saturday afternoon. I *know* he's back with the younger woman he was seeing. I know it has nothing to do with me and I know I'm barely a blip on his radar yet here I am - still posting about him. He probably thinks all is fine since our communication has been a bit friendlier. Now I understand why he seems so chipper lately.

 

Yet, as others have pointed out, this is not really about HIM - it's about ME. I know fundamentally that we were probably just not a good fit. I know I can't make someone love me and he clearly doesnt' love me and isn't the one for me. I have started dating and spending time with other guys. Yet I continue to idealize him so i worry that none of these guys are going to work out while I'm still in contact with him through the band. I worry he is going to "come out" as a couple with this woman and I'm going to have to face that in the next couple of months and deal with it. I know I should not worry about future events that have not happened.

 

Some will point out the length of time I've been in this "place" and yes, it's not good. I still have faith I can get get through this. This can't last forever, it just can't. And now I'm dealing with some health issues. It's nothing I can't handle but I've been alone now for 1.5 years. This all started with him 2.5 years ago. Every song is making me sad. I just wish I had someone to come home to, who would support me. I'm looking at turning 49 this year and it certainly doesn't get any easier for women at this age.

 

I'm trying to count my blessings but today I just feel like a pile of crap. I know that better days will come.

[Leveller]

Hi. We have been in similar situations. You have posted some good advice on my threads and I think it might help you if you read what you have written about my particular situation. The time lines are very similar also.

 

Here is what you said to me:

 

"Read "The Passion Trap: Where is your Relationship Going?" by Dean C. Delis, highly recommended regarding power dynamics and imbalances. (Also published under The Passion Paradox.) One of the best relationship books I've read.

 

How do you show her you won't be her back up? Disappear. Live your own life, don't initiate anything with her, put her on the sidelines, be unavailable. Let her come after you and don't be so eager to please. The past is the past, you can't "show" her how you've changed. Change for yourself and not for her.

 

She's with another guy that she cheated on you with? Egads. Why are you still in touch with her? Stop being her friend, it never works.

 

And read that book! Good luck."

 

"Yes, I don't understand what happened to me either. My ex said he loved me "very much", thinks I'm a "wonderful and beautiful person" and worried out loud to me that he "might be throwing a great thing away".

 

Sounds like the same things you heard and it is very typical. And yes, often these people do come back when us people have no interest, have moved on and it's too late.

 

Bottom line: she told you she is in love with her BF. Time for you to EXIT, stage right. It will NOT behoove you any more in this situation to wear your heart on your sleeve. It's like banging your head against the wall. If you can, you really do need to do complete NC and get away from this woman. Just disappear and in 60 days you'll feel so much better. After a year of not being able to fully get away from my ex, I can assure you that total avoidance of the ex would be a good thing."

 

After 364 days I did exit the picture. I know from your posts that because of your situation you have trouble cutting the ties. As much as I still still feel towards my ex I know it does me good to have no contact with her of any sort. I've left the place that I was in (physically) but not emotionally. Part of me feels I am running away rather than facing my demons head on but I need to be stronger inside and I couldn't do that seeing her. How you cope with seeing him on a regular basis comes accross in your posts. What is it you need to do, do you think?

[rapunzel]

Thank you, Leveller. I am re-reading that book, by the way. I really hope to be able to recognize the imbalance if it occurs, if/when I get into another relationship, and not fall into the passion trap.

 

Wow, good for you for exiting after 364 days. I think No Contact will benefit you in your healing.

 

From a professional standpoint, I can't leave the group right now. I know that complete NC is the ultimate cure but I think I have to stick it out for the next several months and then re-assess. I have weighed the pros and cons of staying versus going endlessly.

 

In the meantime, I practice NC the best way I can. I never call, email or initiate conversation with him. When he rarely calls me for business reasons, I just let it go to voicemail. We are like two colleagues who don't have much to do with one another other than cordial hellos in the hallway and perfunctory business type emails. Yeah, it sucks and I still have good days and bad days but it is blatantly clear to me that he is a mere fantasy and that's all. He is never coming back, ever.

 

In the meantime there are a few guys that I am hanging out with, talking with...nothing has materialized yet past casual dating but it's OK. When I came home last night, there was a voicemail from the one I am most attracted to which gave me a little boost. I am just going with the flow, accepting what happened in the past, and letting things unfold naturally.

[Leveller]

Like you I couldn't really cut ties (we lived 10 seconds apart in a small place where we both grew up with mutual friends). What changed for me was getting a new job after being unemployed (which we both knew had to happen sooner or later) and I moved a month ago. At these times of economic recession I understand perfectly well why you don't want to leave and, as I don't know your professional circumstances, I won't comment but clearly this isn't helping you.

 

No contact for me is always forced attrition - I do it now because I have been given consistant advice that it is the RIGHT thing to do - and not because I myself WANT to. If I said otherwise I would just be trying to convince myself. None of my situation FEELS right and less than 10% makes sense. It seems to me you are in a similar boat.

 

Would I be wrong in thinking your self-esteem might not be at a high watermark as well as this (or perhaps because of it)? My self-esteem is just about sitting on the continental shelf right now. Might this too be part of the explanation for our respective situations?

[Leveller]

Yeah, it sucks and I still have good days and bad days but it is blatantly clear to me that he is a mere fantasy and that's all. He is never coming back, ever.

 

This part struck me also. It sounds to me like you are trying to convince yourself it's never going to happen. It might and it might not. No one knows the future, NO ONE. The important point is to be happy and not stay chained to the past, now that is unhealthy and not good for you (or I).

[rapunzel]

This part struck me also. It sounds to me like you are trying to convince yourself it's never going to happen. It might and it might not. No one knows the future, NO ONE. The important point is to be happy and not stay chained to the past, now that is unhealthy and not good for you (or I).

 

True, no one knows the future. I am trying not to stay chained to the past. I am telling myself this because it helps me to let go and move forward. I could never trust him and feel comfortable anyway. Yet, I do continue to struggle with my attraction to him. Perhaps it is tied to low self-esteem.

 

But I think since he broke up with me twice it's pretty clear that he's not interested in me as a romantic partner. So I am getting out there, dating, and moving forward in that way. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I know that we are all supposed to be fine and dandy and happy alone, and I've spent much of my adult life alone. But my goal is to find a partner to spend my life with. I think we all want this. In the meantime, I am doing OK.

[BlueRizla]

Yeah.. my ex broke up with me twice. Obviously I brought issues to the table. I feel the same as you. I also said to her that I dont want to spend my life alone and the way she reacted to that was as if she needed nobody and there was something wrong with me. Her response left me with much shame for coming accross so needy versus her 'rock solid independence and self worth'.. which I now see as a facade. I've since realised that I expressed my want as a need therefore I need to be careful in how I get that cross in the future, since it led to alot of negative head talk. And its ok to need or want. It doesnt devalue me at all, or anyone, for having these needs (or wants). I think its pretty normal.