Our first meeting since I asked her to leave...

[woodst0ck]

Two weeks ago yesterday, I found out my wife had gone to bed with someone less than a week after she dumped our 20 year marriage. Although she insisted that she had not initiated any contact until after we split, I was having too many problems with the split itself and the thought of her in bed with someone else just drove me nuts. A week last Tuesday, after she told me that she wouldn't be coming home because she was staying over with her boyfriend, I finally snapped and told her to leave and although she wasn't happy about it, she did go... saying that it could only be for a couple of weeks, she couldn't expect her mother to put her up for long.

 

It was something I had to do and you people on ENA were fantastic with your support... something I needed so much at the time. After she had gone, I dropped down to the deepest despair I had ever felt... even to the edge of ending it all but thanks to the people here and my friends, I have gradually pulled myself back up. I still have a way to go but even after being apart for so short a time, I've managed to regain a confidence I haven't felt in years. I haven't tried to escape the pain and found that going through it has made me stronger and with lot's of exercise, I'm fitter than I have been in years (can even fit in some shirts I haven't been able to wear for years).

 

These simple things have increased my self-esteem in what I hope will be an ongoing process.

 

Last night, my wife came back to pick up her post. She was late as the icy weather meant she didn't get to see to her horse straight after she left work.

I made her a little dinner and we talked while she ate.

 

She was amazed at the difference in me and said 'I wish you had done this before'. Previously, a comment like that would have sent me into a spiral of regret but I've learnt that it's pointless regretting the past, it serves no other purpose than hurt.

 

We talked for about an hour and a half. I gave her no negative vibes and didn't lay any guilt on her. I do admit to a small amount of malicious pleasure when she told me that her close friend who dumped her husband last year in the same manner was having problems with her 'perfect' boyfriend. Apparently, he has not told his wife (they are seperated supposedly) about my wife's friend and she's losing patience. My wife had talked to her and they had fallen out and are not on speaking terms and for the first time, my wife admitted that her friend had egged her on to leave me so that she could have as much fun as she was having. Hmm yes... great fun. At least it confirmed what I and my wife's family had suspected.

 

We discussed the house and what we had to do before we could put it on the market and agreed on all the financial arrangements and legal matters so at least, those issues are all out of the way. She told me that she planned to find somewhere to rent and next year, possibly buy her brother's share of the house they inherited together.

 

All she would say about herself was that she was happy with her new man. She wouldn't be coming back to our home because her new boyfriend didn't like the idea of us under the same roof so she would be staying at her mother's until I move out in a few months time. Then we will have to sell the house straight away because she can't afford the bills on her own.

 

I may sound like I have moved on but I still love her and miss her terribly. I feel incredibly lonely... especially at night, alone in the bed we have shared for so long... but I know that nothing I can say at the moment will bring her back. I was a little worried that talking to her would set me back but it hasn't... although I do feel a profound sadness, especially when she said she still loved me. I still have trouble getting past that she is happy with her new boyfriend after such a short time.

 

So, it seems I have reached another crossroads in this story... there seems to be so many of those and I'm not really sure which of the roads to take other than continuing to work on myself. I'm not actively seeking a reconciliation, that's out of my hands but I can't deny I would consider a fresh start if she wanted it.

 

I've written down everything that happened last night... anyone have any comments?

[DN]

Good for for being strong.

 

Ignore the "I wish you had done this before" as that is just an attempt to put the blame for the demise of the relationship on you. Don't fall for it.

[lavenderdove]

Yes, I agree with DN... the 'wish you had done this before' comment is really annoying and shows where her mind is... my response to such a comment would be, 'i wish you weren't so shallow that you'd throw over a longtime loyal husband over a few extra pounds around the middle.'

 

The truth is she left because she wanted to run around like a teenager again and have 'fun'. She could have made all kinds of other decisions to put fun into your lives (together) if she wanted to, but instead she chose to run off with another man. Don't forget that and DON'T blame yourself for her immaturity/unwillingness to stick with a good marriage and man and work thru any issues she had. She made the selfish choice for herself and 'fun' first, so that is showing her own shallowness and immaturity.

 

Also remind yourself that odds are extremely high that if she slept with this new boyfriend within a week of leaving, she already had her eye on him before leaving, and equally likely, might already been having an affair with him and covering that up. So she isn't just 'misguided', she has been making a lot of selfish and below board choices, so you may think you want her back, but she may not be worth having back.

 

You can find another loyal and loving woman to share your bed and life, someone who isn't an immature betrayer. So continue with your good work of getting over her and rebuilding your life and self esteem, and you will indeed soon be ready to find a new loving, loyal, and faithful partner who won't do this to you like your wife did.

[lostandhurt]

I think you handled it very well. The feelings you have towards her are completely natural because your love for her was real and ran deep unlike her towards you.

Being a victim of a Walk Away Wife myself I can tell you that it does get easier. Her comments to you prove how selfish and cold she really is as she lives out her fantasy. Her friends fantasy ended and even though she is not showing it she is worried that she may have made a big mistake.

Like mine, your wife is searching for happiness instead of learning to be happy. To admit what she did was wrong will likely never happen and until she accepts what she is and how she came to be this way you should put any thought of taking her back out of your mind. Your life is all you need to concern yourself with right now. Continue on your path as you are. There will be low points but they will be farther and farther apart and not as severe.

 

She will not snap out of this and be the person you once knew. Time to accept what she is now to help you move forward with YOUR life.

 

Best wishes

PM me anytime

Lost

[woodst0ck]

Thank you for the posts. I'm beginning to see I've been putting her on a pedestal. A number of my friends and her family have been telling me she was being selfish and immature but I couldn't reconcile those concepts with the woman I loved. I did just feel that she was making a mistake and when she realized it, she would be try and make it up.

 

But it seems I was wrong. Everything she has done over the past month has not shown me the slightest consideration over what she wanted. Although it's probably a bit late for me (I'm 50), perhaps there may be someone out there with whom I could be happy.

[lavenderdove]

Oh believe me, there are millions of women in their 40s and 50s who would love to find a good 50 year old man... It is not uncommon for very decent people to get dumped in middle age by an immature or selfish husband/wife who wants to run off and act like a teenager again.

 

So they are out there, and they are waiting for you! You will actually be quite the hot commodity in the dating world if you are willing to date women around your own age, since many men your age chase younger women, and there are lots and lots of good women in their 40s and 50s looking for a partner, someone like you!

[Kaytie]

Oh believe me, there are millions of women in their 40s and 50s who would love to find a good 50 year old man... It is not uncommon for very decent people to get dumped in middle age by an immature or selfish husband/wife who wants to run off and act like a teenager again.

 

So they are out there, and they are waiting for you! You will actually be quite the hot commodity in the dating world if you are willing to date women around your own age, since many men your age chase younger women, and there are lots and lots of good women in their 40s and 50s looking for a partner, someone like you!

 

Exactly! 50 is young - you will find a pool of single women in the 40-50 range, when you are healed and ready.

 

I am SO HAPPY to read that you are doing a bit better. I was quite concerned about your very low period, but as many of us have said, it was temporary and you just need to keep telling yourself that those very low days are not permanent and you WILL get better and stronger.

 

Healing is not a linear process as I'm sure you've discovered (as have I). You will have ups and downs, but the overall feeling of increased strength, less desperation and more acceptance means you are well on the road to recovery.

[woodst0ck]

Exactly! 50 is young - you will find a pool of single women in the 40-50 range, when you are healed and ready.

 

I am SO HAPPY to read that you are doing a bit better. I was quite concerned about your very low period, but as many of us have said, it was temporary and you just need to keep telling yourself that those very low days are not permanent and you WILL get better and stronger.

 

Healing is not a linear process as I'm sure you've discovered (as have I). You will have ups and downs, but the overall feeling of increased strength, less desperation and more acceptance means you are well on the road to recovery.

 

Certainly cannot disagree with you there The mood swings are sometimes extremely difficult to deal with but at least even on my worst days, I feel nothing like I did a couple of weeks ago. Still have a few things to deal with (I made another post).