Wife doesn't find me attractive, help!

[guywithapast]

I'm 33 (wife is 30) and we've been married for 3 years. My wife and I have been in counseling for 4 months and so far I'm afraid we'll be separated in a few months if something doesn't change.

 

The problem has been that for a year, my wife has not been attracted to me. She recognizes I'm an attractive guy (in great shape, dress well, good hygiene, etc...) but she is "just not attracted" to me. She also says she "feels stuck" in the marriage.

 

Sex duration had been an issue but after seeing a sex therapist I am on a prescription which has solved our only outstanding bedroom issues. Other issues have come in therapy and have been addressed but her attraction to me has not resumed. If anything our gap has widened as we've agreed to let her control all physical touch; we sleep in the same bed but she won't even let her hand brush up against mine.

 

I'm a confident guy but she's seen the weak side of me. I have been know to shed a tear or two on occasion and she hates this. We both have friends although she has a limited set that she feels she can talk to about this.

 

Outside of the house we look like a perfectly happy couple.

 

Please, has anyone been in this situation (success or fail) and can share your story, solutions, or insights?

[FathomFear]

How was your relationship prior to the marriage? Can you trace back when things started going "downhill"?

[guywithapast]

Prior to marriage it was great. We dated a little less than a year, got engaged, and married a little past a year of meeting. First year of marriage was ok, although there were some issues in bed. (These were addressed.)

 

If anything she put me on a pedestal the first year of marriage. Then this last year I could tell she was a little distant and out of no-where she says she thinks we need to go to therapy because she's debating about moving out.

[IntotheWild]

 

I'm a confident guy but she's seen the weak side of me. I have been know to shed a tear or two on occasion and she hates this.

 

You can't make her stay and you can't control another person's will. Honestly, this doesn't sound fixable on your end. I think the best thing you can do now is show some strength and perseverance and start making decisions as if she's already moved on. Let her go.

[Capricorn3]

I was going to suggest marriage counselling, but you say you have been undergoing counselling for the past 4 months, with little success so far. Seeing as there doesn't seem to be much positive outcome so far, I would say it's because she's logged out of the relationship quite some time ago and nothing is going to change her mind.

 

It's probably time to re-think where this is going and think about seeing a lawyer.

[Lisa Brookes Kift]

This sounds really hard on you - and it also seems to me that you're not the only one with issues around sex and intimacy. It's concerning to me to hear that she "hates it" when she sees you cry. If you want to save your marriage you need to find other ways to find the connection again - I imagine she was attracted to you at one time, right?

 

I know of a really comprehensive workbook for couples to do together - by a psychologist and relationship coach. It's about how to rekindle intimacy and it's a very in depth look at all of the issues that block connection including family of origin beliefs, "sex scripts" and more. Not sure if she'd even be open to this but you could give it a try - it's called link removed. I've been recommending it to people on my own website - and in my private practice.

 

Both people need to be invested in saving a marriage. If you both are, even if you're hanging on by a thread - you need to ramp it up a notch. Good luck.

[guywithapast]

Lisa Brookes Kift: Thank you for your post and link; while I'm afraid she's already checked out (wants to be happy but doesn't want to fix the marriage) I will check out this resource.

 

Capricorn3 & E.S.: Thank you for your insights.

[abitbroken]

I would say that the issue isn't sexual. If you had erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, in a marriage with open communication this would not be a huge deal to a wife. There would be so much more to you that she would stick by you. I have a feeling that even though you felt things are great, maybe she had put you on a pedestal and then realized you weren't as she thought or maybe she has insecurity issues. Some women marry men to "fix them" It is hard to say. The duration of dating is not the issue because there are lots of couples who get married quickly and are blissfully happy because they got past the infatuation and got to the real communication. I think its great you are in counseling to try to get to the bottom of it.

[whitetiger7654]

Sorry but to be honest it sounds like she is in a situation similar to me. My feelings sound just like the ones you described of her. I'm still trying to figure out what I want. I agree with the person that said see a lawyer since your already in counseling.

[guywithapast]

abitbroken: I agree with you 100% on this; it's a shame now that sex could be great but she doesn't even want to be touched. Sex wasn't the real issue and won't fix whatever is going on with us.

 

Sorry but to be honest it sounds like she is in a situation similar to me. My feelings sound just like the ones you described of her. I'm still trying to figure out what I want.

I'd love to hear anything else about your thought process / insight into your situation.

 

 

Despite whether or not I get a lawyer... I'm debating whether or not to keep seeing the same counselor. We're coming up on 5 months of weekly couple counseling (some solo sessions too) and any effectiveness to raise & address issues has ended in late 2009. Whatever this one remaining issue is the big one, and I don't know if I should give the counselor more time, switch to another counselor (we agreed to stay together until end of Summer so that's about 4-5 more months), or if it really doesn't make a difference at this point.

[fragmint]

if you feel like the counselor is not getting things done or helping enough then switch counselors. youre the one with a relationship on the line here so do whatever feels right and that you think will help.

[guywithapast]

Stuck with the counselor, things did pick up (I'm glad I was patient).

 

Unfortunately after a week long business trip she decided she didn't miss me, and doesn't believe she loves me anymore; Friday she started moving out of the house.

 

Now I'm just trying to figure out what to do next; hopefully find a good divorce / separation support group. If anyone has stories that match this and somehow the wife comes back, I'd love to hear it ... I could definitely use some hope.

[KeepMe]

Stuck with the counselor, things did pick up (I'm glad I was patient).

 

Unfortunately after a week long business trip she decided she didn't miss me, and doesn't believe she loves me anymore; Friday she started moving out of the house.

 

Now I'm just trying to figure out what to do next; hopefully find a good divorce / separation support group. If anyone has stories that match this and somehow the wife comes back, I'd love to hear it ... I could definitely use some hope.

 

Unfortunately I've been in a situation (not marriage ... thankfully) with a guy in my past who I just was not compatible with. I lasted with this guy for a two years, and things were rocky after the first year.

I wasn't compatible with him, and no matter what we did it just didn't work out. We were breaking up almost every day of the week, we would even split for a couple weeks and he never let it go. He would message me, email me, call me, and try and try to get me back. I would always get this stupid idea that it may be different but I was falling out of love and nothing that I could do, or he could do, could fix that. Though he was still very much in love with me, I couldn't help myself in changing my mind.

I felt bad that it was like this, and boy did it make him angry. I would find him calling me and calling me every name in the book, bawling his eyes out, talking about how I hurt him so much that I was dragging him on. Finally I quit taking his calls, and texts, and we separated for a year. After a year of no contact he finally contacted me again, surprisingly it was nice to hear from him again.

We began to talk and we ended up later on getting back together. First few months were great, better than ever, then it just started happening again. We started hating each other, we still were not compatible, and things were almost turning out worse than before.

 

This seriously went on for a couple years, until I just put my foot down and ended it. It was hurting me, and him, and I couldn't do it. He messaged me again and I didn't respond just let it go. Then he finally messaged me again for the last time not too long ago and I was being blind and stupid, and tried to talk one last time again to him but it was no use. We fought again, and I just immediately blocked his number, and it's been months since I heard from him. I hope to never hear of him again, and I don't think I ever will.

 

Just from my hurtful past experience, I advise that after the divorce I do not recommend that if she comes crawling back to try it again. Sometimes people just flat out are not compatible. Most of the time, it usually never works the second time around.

You need to forget about her, and move onto you. 30 is still pretty young, my brother just turned 30 and he is still living life large. He has a great job, and as we speak he took a girl that he has been trying to date for a long time to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico for a week.

Don't let this divorce put a damper on your life, it's going to hurt, and I'm sure it does, but it will get better! Have a good time in life, and when the right girl comes along, take it slow, and you'll know that she's the one for you.

Sometimes marriage puts a block on a relationship. My sister was considering getting married and I said "For what? You two practically live together, you only been dating for a year, right now it's just a label. Why get married now? You will be doing the same thing when you get married, except you will wear a gold ring, and have an extra piece of paper that claims your married, that's all. Right now it's not of importance, and it won't be very special, wait til' you know he's the one, and it'll be special." Needless to say that got her gears in her brain turning, and she started changing her mind. I could see that being why your wife felt trapped. When a young person thinks of marriage, once they are in they can sometimes think "Oh no, I'm stuck! I'm married, I can't see other people. Marriage is something I can't call off, I'll have to go through divorce, get a lawyer, fight for my things." Then they get paranoid, and scared, and it just stresses them out.

Don't think it was anything you did, you did a great job getting counseling, it was her that couldn't deal with the marriage. Now you get to move on and find someone worth your time.

[kombatarts99]

I have been going through the same exact thing. I have been married for 4 and a half years 7 and a half total. all of a sudden she said she is not attracted to me anymore. I haven't changed, still in shape, still compliment her, treat her well, and we still got along great. we don't argue, fight, and still did alot of things together and had a great time. found out 3 weeks ago there is another woman she has been seeing, but our issue was before this and she never told me about it to fix it. I think you were in the same boat as me, by the time she told you about any problems she was emotionally gone