HE WANTS TO GET MARRIED BUT HE HASN'T PROPOSED?

[anchor31]

I am also it that situation... My boyfriend and I have known each other for over two years, have been dating for exactly two years today (yay!) and have been officially a couple since August 2003. We never really discussed marriage, but our relationship has always been exclusive and we are pursuing a long-distance relationship since January because I moved 600 km away for school. A few months into the relationship he was already saying he wanted to marry me and hinting at a future life together and I always thought it was romantic and a sweet way to tell me he really loved me. Other than that I never gave it much thought.

 

The thing is, in the last Christmas holidays he gave me quite a few hints about proposing to me and even dragged me to engagement rings display windows when we went shopping, so I started expecting a proposal. However, when I brought up the subject when I came back on Spring Break, he said he'd done that to see how I would react. I found that pretty cruel, but maybe he's just trying to figure if he should propose or not. Can a member of the male gender enlighten me?

 

On the other hand, I have to admit that I shouldn't be holding my breath for a proposal right now because we are still young. He is only just starting his carrier and I am still at school, 600 km away. I've decided to not bring the subject up anymore and see what he does. Still, his mixed signals are confusing and it's frustrating to be led on.

 

If someone could enlighten me on my boyfriend's confusing behaviour I'd be grateful.

 

My sympathies to everyone in the same "all words and no action" situation. Don't give up.

 

Cheers!

[porkshop]

Hey

 

I cant believe that so many people are in the same situation as me, since leaving that first message last year i never imagined hearing so many similar stories. Its nice to know im not the only pressurising, naggy obsessed person around(or at least thats how he makes me feel about the subject)

 

Just to update, i have still got no ring on my finger, we've ended up arguing over the subject alot recently because although he is still saying all of the time that he wants to move in together and get married etc, as soon as i say anything to him about the these things or ask why he sets time scales for himself and breaks them (which hurts me so much) he gets really angry as if im pressurising him. He doesnt seem to understand the pain in waiting and thinking that he doesnt really love me enough and the dissappointment. it seems crazy to me and his great new excuse is that he doesnt want to get engaged now because we argue about getting engaged and he says he wants me to leave the topic well alone for a while and for us to just get along before he does it in his own time. I still dont know whether to wait or leave the topic of engagement and him well alone.

[anchor31]

I feel for you, porkshop, I really do. At least my boyfriend hasn't said he'd propose to me in the next year and not done it... I know someone who was in your situation last year. Her boyfriend with whom she'd been living for one or two years had told her he would propose and everyone expected him to do it around Christmas time last year, but he never did. By May she had left him. There were other issues involved too (he was a truck driver and thereforeeee very seldom home, while she is a teacher), but I believe she got tired of waiting. I hope it doesn't come to this for you or for me!

 

What I've noticed about men is that most of them seem to take a longer time making decisions than we women do. I don't mean that they aren't as smart as we are, they ARE smart. They just seem to think things out a lot longer than we do, and it's frustrating for us. That said, I still don't understand my boyfriend's confused and confusing behaviour towards engagement. In a way, I really wish he hadn't brought it up at Christmas time "just to see how I'd react", because now I wouldn't be feeling frustrated and not know where to stand in that matter...

 

Well, at least he knows that it's really important for me that we are at least engaged before we move in together, and as my parents are very conservative, it would create terrible problems if we weren't. I love my family and I want to avoid that. So, if he wants to live with me, he knows he has to commit. Anyway, to me it doesn't make sense that some men want to live with their girlfriend and not commit. As if I'd live with someone who won't commit to me... NO WAY!!!

 

Good luck...

 

Cheers!

[Nikki28]

It seems like when a woman is ready she always has to wait the the guy to be ready! why is it always about the man??? it would only be fair for the women to get what she needs and wants also and if thats commitment and he isnt ready after 4 years than obviously hes got commitment issues

[RayKay]

It seems like when a woman is ready she always has to wait the the guy to be ready! why is it always about the man??? it would only be fair for the women to get what she needs and wants also and if thats commitment and he isnt ready after 4 years than obviously hes got commitment issues

 

Its not always the case, I know many situations where it is the other way around.

 

How is it fair for the woman to get what she needs and wants if it means pressuring the other partner to do something that he is not sure about and that is lifelong (well, unless he is pressured, then it might not last that long).

 

I agree that a woman should not wait forever, neither should a man. 4 years waiting when you are young (ie started dating at 18) as you are still maturing and need to develop the skills for a lifetime commitment so I think that is acceptable, but when you are late 20's/early 30's I do think that you should know way before that, and if one is not ready, maybe consider leaving. Don't wait forever.....

[anchor31]

I finally had an emotional breakdown with my boyfriend and I confronted him about how I think it was cruel to go looking at rings just to "see how I'd react" and he answered that looking at rings didn't mean he was planning on proposing. I agree, but how am I supposed to know?

 

Anyway, I don't think I should expect a proposal for another year or two (sigh...) as he said he waited to wait for the appropriate time and make it perfect, down on both knees with a ring and so on, but at least I've made it clear that commitment is a part of the relationship that is essential to me, and I am NOT moving in with him without a ring on my finger. Since he's also made it very clear that he wants us to move in together once I've finished my degree, I suppose I can expect him to propose by then...

 

Any men can enlighten us on how your mind works regarding commitment and marriage?

 

Cheers!

[anchor31]

Well hello, it's me again. There has recently been big developments in my relationship with my boyfriend and it brings the engagement problem in even bigger light.

 

As I have said in an earlier post, I study in a university that is pretty far away from my boyfriend and family and I have been very unhappy with the school and the program so far, so this summer I decided to go through this year and then go back to my home turf. There is a program in a local university that interests me even more than what I am currently studying and I hope I'll be happier there.

 

So, I have discussed this with my boyfriend, and while we were on a romantic week-end to celebrate our second year, he said that since I am going to come back in a year and he now has a steady job, we could move together next summer. I was very touched that he asked, I didn't expect him to ask me that at all, but I have a problem.

 

When I reminded him of the level of commitment I expect, he choked. He avoided having to make any promises by saying that he will propose to me eventually, but he wants to wait. He still wants us to move in together next summer, but I really don't think he's going to propose by then. This whole situation makes me feel terrible. I don't want to force him into marriage, that would really be unfair, and I do want to move in with him. On the other hand, I really feel like I'd be betraying myself if I don't respect my values and move in with a man before we are engaged to be married.

 

There is also the fact that I depend on my parents' financial support to go through school and if I move with him, I give that up. I'd still be able to pay for what I need since we'd be sharing, but it would still be a lot more expenses for me. The thing is, I don't really care about it because I really want to start my life with him, but I could still have to rely on him financially and that means I'd be "putting the rope around my neck" real tight (to borrow his favorite expression when he talks about commitment and marriage... Eurgh. Why do men always see commitment as doom??). I agree that it wouldn't be fair to force him to "put the rope around his neck", but it's not fair to ask me to do it without having to do it himself, is it?

 

I don't understand. He says I'm the love of his life and his soulmate and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, marry me and have children with me, but he still hesitates. He wants to live with me and "see how it goes". How can he say all those things about me and still have doubts? How can he expect me to move in with a man if I don't know if he going to wake up one morning and ask me to pack my bags and go back to my parents?

 

So, I have decided to have an honest discussion with him about what each of us expect and believe concerning living together, commitment and marriage to see if we could work out our differences and maybe find a fair compromise. I also have decided to not move in with him next summer. There will be enough going on then, with me changing school and all that, and there are two things that I think should be done before we move in together. One, now that he has finished school and found a steady job, he should get out of his parents' home and learn to live by himself. Two, we should go through a period of "non long-distance relationship". I think that going from long-distance to live-in would be too much of a big step and we need to adapt to seeing each other on a more regular basis first.

 

So, if everything goes well, I hope to move in with him the summer after next. Let's also hope that he'll have proposed by then.

 

Does anyone have tips or insight on that sort of situation?

 

Cheers!

[RayKay]

anchor,

 

As I was reading your post I was formulating all sorts of answers...then I got to the end and realized you already were planning on doing them all!

 

I think you absolutely taking the right approach to this, and being very smart about it and very valid in your reasoning. Good stuff, you wrote my post for me!

 

 

P.S. Not all men feel marriage is a noose, or jail time....some do as they are not with the right person, or they are afraid of divorce, it sounds like yours does want to be with you though and his actions seem to follow that...for many living together is kind of a experiment, and there is NOTHING wrong with that as long as BOTH partners agree to it and feel the same way about it. I mean, even if you were engaged, you could still decide it was not going to work....but if you feel that there is even a risk of him telling you to "pack your bags" it also shows you are not entirely ready to move in yet either.

 

A discussion is a VERY good idea to see if you are both on a similar path with one another!

[anchor31]

but if you feel that there is even a risk of him telling you to "pack your bags" it also shows you are not entirely ready to move in yet either.

 

You're probably right. Very, very probably right. I think I needed to be told that. It hurts a bit, but thanks. Another reason to wait until summer after next, then.

 

Would you have any tips on how to breach that conversation I'd like to have with him without sounding to pushy or something? Thanks again.

 

Cheers!

[Puddin]

PorkShop, I concur with what some have said here. The comment about wanting to be financially secure before marriage is valid but it's also valid when making the case to cohabitate but he's down with that?

[RayKay]

but if you feel that there is even a risk of him telling you to "pack your bags" it also shows you are not entirely ready to move in yet either.

 

You're probably right. Very, very probably right. I think I needed to be told that. It hurts a bit, but thanks. Another reason to wait until summer after next, then.

 

Would you have any tips on how to breach that conversation I'd like to have with him without sounding to pushy or something? Thanks again.

 

Cheers!

 

 

I think you just have to remember to be non-confrontational with it. Tell him, that you really do want to be with him, and move in with him at some point, but that you also want to ensure you are on the same page first, and also to give you both a chance to have a regular dating relationship before you move in together after a long distance relationship.

 

That you want to give you both the best chances, and to not compromise either of your values.

 

Think of it is as practice...for the future BIG deal conversations you may have I am sure you can do it!

[gypsy65]

More and more I am coming to believe that the old saying is true, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Men used to be motivated to get married, in part, for sex because there was no such thing as sex outside of marriage back then. I think women these days give and give too much of themselves. They cook, the clean, they play house with the guy and he has everything he could want and in that situation a guy who is a little skittish of committment isn't motviated to take the plunge and get married.

 

I am not saying that this is the case with your guy and I am not making any moral judgements on your choices at all, I am just suggesting that you may want to look at holding back a little with this guy, withholding a part of yourself just in case...Make him want you, make him miss you, desire you, crave you...It may be too late to go back on sex, but maybe you would like to consider waiting to move in together until you are married?

 

I am not saying that you should hold out on sex as some sort of game, or as a way to manipulate any one,, but I do think that it helps if a women reserve a part of her heart, her soul and her passions for the ONE man who is to be her husband...DON'T GIVE EVERYTHING UNTIL YOU GET EVERYTHING...For me, I have made the decision that I won't live with a man, have sex with him or give him all of my heart and soul until he is my husband and I am very up front and honest with the men I date about this. What has the response been? Incredible! Many men I have found are really old fashioned deep down inside and inspired and touched deeply by a women who has these types of values. Several men have admitted that they felt the same way but that they have just never met a woman who did!!!! I have had men gets tears in their eyes when I tell that there are parts of me that I will only share with my husband because I don't want to ever have to admit to the man I marry that I lost faith that I would find him and gave my heart, soul, body and life to several other partners in the interim. The most common comment I have received is "that is beautiful. I respect that."

 

If there is a guy out there that still believes in good old fashioned love, romance, marriage, loyalty and honesty I will find him and when I do HE will get the very best I have to give, but not all at once and not too soon. Don't be too available...reserve something special for the marriage...

 

Just another point of view.

[anchor31]

Good news!!

 

My boyfriend and I had our discussion. I told my boyfriend I wouldn't be moving in with him next summer. I don't think I'm ready for that just yet, emotional and financially, and with my university transfer and everything next year, I'll have more than enough things to deal with. I need to sort that stuff out first, then I'll consider starting my life with him. Plus, I believe that going from long-distance to living together without a time of "regular dating" would be suicide. He's disappointed of course, but he says he understands.

 

He's scared that even if we won't be long distance anymore, we still won't see each other often because I'll be too caught up in everything else. I was a bit hurt when he said that because I try to make time for him through everything else, it's hard but I do my best. Of course school is my top priority until I finish my degree, so I told him I'd keep doing my best and if he he kept doing his too, we'd be fine. If we can make time now and we're long distance, of course we can make time next year! We just have to have faith in our relationship.

 

And then I told him I also wanted to wait because I feel like HE needs more time because I want to be engaged before we move in together and he doesn't seem ready for it. He said he understands what I want and he could propose to me tomorrow if I wanted him to, it's just that he hadn't expected me to say 'no' and to be so adamant about wanting to be engaged. Again, I said I didn't want to force him into anything and it didn't NEED to be tomorrow, as long as it's before we move in together.

 

So, this is good news and I'm very happy about it. He really wants to be with me, isn't commitment-phobic and WILL propose before we move in together, which will most probably be in the summer after next. I think we made a fair deal and are both happy with it.

 

Thank you everyone and good luck! If I can do it, you can!

[RayKay]

That's awesome anchor! I am glad it worked out so well and you came to a mutual understanding, and more importantly you were able to let him know your feelings and needs as well!

[anchor31]

Update!

 

Since THE talk, I didn't bring up the subject of marriage at all with my boyfriend, but he did three times, which he never had done before for a serious conversation. I realised he was scared that I'd get engaged/marry him only for the ring and/or I'd leave him. His parents have a very unhealthy marriage and there are a lot of very materialistic "standards" related to engagement and marriage (big rings, big weddings, etc), so it's understandable, but I told him that I was hurt that he told I would do this.

 

I love him and I want to marry him because I want to spend the rest of my life with him. If there are problems in our future marriage, we can fix them as well as we fix the ones we encounter now and then as girlfriend and boyfriend. Plus, I'm not the one who came up with the engagement ring tradition, right? If he can't afford/doesn't want to give me an engagement ring, I don't care. And I don't want a big wedding either. I just want to be with him. I think he was very much reassured by what I said and isn't so scared anymore.

 

Yesterday morning, he told me that he ran into his ex-girlfriend a couple of days ago and he told her about me. He told her we've been together for over two years and counting and that he's thinking about proposing to me.

 

He said it in a very casual way, but I was stunned. I think I was even more stunned by the fact that he said it in a casual way, because he used to be hesitant or joke about it. It definitely is a huge step. Now, he said he's thinking about it, so I don't think I should expect a proposal for Christmas, but I'm still very excited. I'll let you know when it happens!

 

I can't thank you enough for your good advice. It really made a difference.

 

Cheers!

[whoops]

Well it seems all people are worried about marriage - you need to have this discussion earlier on in life - when you enter a marriage - I was in a relationship scared of committment we acted like friends i wonder if ti went on to long as he wanted marriage i was running scared then i wanted marriage or thought i did but in the end i evaluated it and i want marriage one day which is a good thing cause i never did before but not with him - he is a wonderful man but forgot about me and i cant be with someone like that - i put up with it for some time but he would have always forgot about me. So now i am in early thirties it is time to find a love and i am ready to go down that row earlier then i thought.

[jrobsqt]

It seems to me that u all have time to wait...in MY Situation we've been together for 3 1/2 years, own a house together, and have a bank accounts together......So * * * is he waiting for... i get SOOO frustrated with him... and the hold "time period" where it would have been romactic and made me cry happy tears is GONE... which pisses me off even more..... OH and to make it even worst....I move half way accrosed the country to be with him 2 1/2 years ago!!!!.....i hardly have any bills but i split all of them together including his big new truck and 4 wheeler... i feel like ive givin him SOOO much that he isnt apriciating.... I DESERVE that promise from him..... and im sooo fed up that i think if i dont get in with in this year and next year at this time it ends up being 41/2 years..... i will be DAMNED if i sit in a five year relationship without even a ring to show for it..... am i wrong to feel this way... am i wrong to stand up for myself and my feelings?...yes we have a lot together... but that just makes me think "y wouldnt he" is shouldnt be such a big deal...im starting to feel that its "his fault" and i dont want to feel this way.....but GOOD GOD!! what would u do?

[Circe]

I would never propose to my boyfriend! I want romance- him down on one knee. I don't think I'm alone in this fantasy either.

 

I proposed to be husband-to-be-in-5days!

 

He did stop me mid-way and do it himself.. but honestly, once I felt like I wanted to marry him and wanted it in the near future - and was certain about this - I couldnt imagine for a minute sitting around and waiting for him magically to read my mind - just for some fairy-tale notion of romance.

 

In any event, whats unromantic about asking the man you love to marry you? I felt like it was a beautiful and romantic moment just the way it was..

 

I really hate the idea that it's entirely up to the man.. its a joint decision and the person who proposes it can and should be either party. Its an equal relationship, an equal love, an equal match of people and an equal marriage. Tradition is great - but why live months or years of your life unhappy and disatisfied for the sake of one tradition out of hundreds you have to look forward to?

[Sylvanna]

My god!! I've been crying like a fool reading all your messages!! I thought I was really alone into this!! and my bf kind of convinced me it is not normal.

 

I don't want a ring!! I don't even know where the engagement ring should go or should look like, I've never dreamed with a wedding, I've never thought about how my wedding could look like, or the idea of becoming a wife, until he said "I want you to be wife". From that very first moment then you expect EVERYTHING. You think of how could it be, and where, and at the end of the trip or holidays together, (we've been 9 months in a LDR, after 6 months living together, he's divorced, and has two teenage daughters that seem to like me, his parents like me, I like them, it all seems perfect )... but... he hasn't proposed yet. And really, right now I've suffered so much that if he asks me this Saturday (he's coming to see me just 24hs) the answer would be "No". I know, I guess none of us are really desperate to get married, we're just frustrated of a promise that made us happy one fine day and never has been fulfilled. I know.. they all want it perfect, but chances are that they won't have us anymore to marry them, is sad but as Luciana said.. if it doesn't go with our goals in life.. then.. there is nothing I can't do about it. I'm 27, I thought I was with Mr Right, I love him very much, but I'm conscious biology has a time, and a place, if I want to have kids, it has to be in 7 years, and if he's not after all Mr Right, since he doesn't back his words in actions, then I might have to find another one to make me "happy".

I didn't want to buy my ticket to go to England back with him when I finish my degree, but he bought it, well, he might have to flight back alone, I told him.. I wasn't gonna go without anything.. and that if I go.. I'll find myself an apartment, to not to be a burden for my parents any longer, but I guess in these holidays.. in 1 month and a half, if he doesn't propose, then he might have to flight on his own. I don't want to be one of those girlfriends "forever", to end up in nothing, and then find out that they're also slightly old to go find another man. Well..my deadline is very soon.. let's see what happens.

[juser117]

I have been in the same situation but my bf and I have been together for 2 months but have loved each other for 20 years and just got back in touch and got together and are living together. He is my BF as well and I his. He said that he knew that the first week we were together and if my divorce (which I should have never been in that relationship, we did it for my son only for stability. My BF and I are not together for that reason just finalizing my divorce) Well I know that things take time and we have even discussed where and who will be our standups we have even asked those people. One day I just got alittle crazy and felt strange and brought up the fact that he hadn't asked me yet and there was no ring. He calls me his wife and I call him husband at times he even bought me a t-shirt that says Army wife. I know he means it, and I know it will happen, I guess I just want it to happen now. I want to be his wife and he wants and knows that he wants to be with me, he has loved me for 22 years and has told me that we should have gotten married back then but our lives took different paths and now the path leads back to us again. I know its only been 2 months and I know he probably wants to wait until im closer to being able to do it for real. I dont want to push, he had said that he didnt know what kind of ring I liked and I finally showed him and he was happy with that. My question is since he gets upset about me asking and says that its GOING to happen I should just not bring it up again even though it kills me? I have waited 20 years to be with the love of my life and thats what he considers me and I believe him but now I feel that I have brought it up twice and it upset him both times telling me its going to happen just let him choose what ring he wants and that he will ask me he hasnt had time to do anything.

[Wiccan]

Ok, I didn't read all of your situations, but here is mine......

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for a while, and we live together in a rented house. We have talked about marriage A LOT and he told me before we even got into a relationship that he was in love with me. We would joke around "proposing" to each other while we are watching something romantic or funny. But me being a wedding fanatic, after awhile I stopped doing that and I told him to stop as well. Anyway, my boyfriend is going into the Air Force, and so, he told me he will propose to me one day out of these four months, months before basic.... He never did.... because weeks later(after he told me that), his MOM made him promise not to ask me to marry him til after basic, which is STUPID(btw he is her only child)!!! So now we are in a situation, where he may not be able to go home after basic training from the looks of things and he will go to tech school afterward. Well while he is in tech school we planned to get married so our family can be at our wedding before we get shipped to the first base of our choosing(England). But there is barely enough time to send out wedding invitations and have everything set and paid for, for the big day...... So I have been trying to talk to him into telling his mom that he can't keep that promise, and he keeps getting mad b/c he said talking to her wouldn't do any of us any good. And I almost cried when he asked me to marry him(but he was joking around about that) by typing on my phone back and forth(while we were eating at a sushi buffet restaurant), and I nearly blew up in his face but I kept my calm saying 'don't ever joke around about proposing to me again, because it hurts me. The only time I want you to say them are when you are actually proposing to me.' He looked sad, but we finished our meals and went to watch Paul to lighten the mood...... My question to all of you is how can I convince him that his mom is wrong to make him promise such a thing and that he is an adult and if he wants to propose to me he can without his mommy's permission?

[Satine01]

So, he bought a $50 Walmart ring, woke up from a nap, and half asleep asked me to marry him. (kind of a let down from his "big plans" he told me about.) Now, 9 months later, he wants to move in with me, but told me he isn't ready to get married and tells his friends I'm his girlfriend. I brought it up the other day, expecting the usual "i don't have the money" (course not, he spends it all on video games and movies) but instead I got "marriage isn't really me" that kinda stung and I waited til he left to break down. Oh did I mention I gave into his want and had sex with him and am now 6 months pregnant with his baby?!

[sherryberrypie]

Sounds like me 6 years ago... You can still get out of that "relationship" and be happy in your life.

[Ithaca]

My bf and I have been together for 3 years and have lived together for most of that time. We talk about the future, but not specifically about getting engaged or married, just mostly about the fact that we will have a future and most importantly together.

 

My sister got married last June and I was asked by nearly every relative there when I was getting married and my bf was asked the same question many times. Sure it's on everyone's mind at a reception, but I couldn't help but wonder the same thing. Now, six months later, I feel a panic welling up. We just passed our 3 year anniversary and it seems like the notion of us getting married is getting further and further away. I've only ever brought up an actual proposal twice. The first time was early, prolly a year or so in and he fed me the common "no money/I don't know what ring to get" reason, and then proceeded to ask me to show him what I liked via pictures on the internet. After that I left it alone completely and we went about our lives like normal for another year and a half. We then had the most difficult fight we've ever been through. In the midst of it, during a completely unrelated, but heated discussion I asked him again. He easily said it was because we kept fighting, which at that time made perfect sense. The fight lasted two months, and we nearly broke up, but with good communication and patience we were able to come back stronger and better than we were before.

 

Since then (about 8 months ago now), I've gone back to school and been stressed out and because we've developed such good communication I try to acknowledge my stressed out moods and apologize if I start to take it out on him. Once when this happened I was really emotional about it because I was snapping at everything he said and I felt horrible and told him in a joking manor that I hoped he wouldn't leave me cuz of my stress induced mood swings. He said in a serious response that if he hadn't left last year during the two months of hell, he was never leaving.

 

I'm not a nagging gf who talks about/wants a wedding or a ring. I don't think I deserve anything. Up until my sister got engaged I never thought about a wedding. I'm just a woman, in love with a man, who wants a life-long commitment. He could come to me empty handed or with a vending machine ring and just ask and I'd be the happiest woman on earth. Our communication skills are great, but I don't know how to approach this without feeling like I'm pressuring or attacking him. I'm worried that the whole cliche of "why buy the cow when the milks free" is happening. He's comfortable. He has and get's what he needs both physically and emotionally (along with the window to leave if he wants to), so why go any further when he's already satisfied.

 

The impact of the whole realization is making me depressed. I can't help but wonder if deep down he doesn't want to marry me at all and is afraid to say so. I'm trying to wait for a good time when both of us are level headed to bring it up, but I've had many opportunities which have come and gone. I think I'm most afraid to find out he doesn't feel as deeply as I thought so I give myself petty excuses to dodge the conversation. I'm so lost.

[gingerpeachy]

I just wanted to chime in here, mostly because I need to vent this somewhere.

 

My boyfriend and I have dated for 5 and 1/2 years. He is three years younger than me and so I knew he wouldn't be ready right away, but I'm getting discouraged that he hasn't popped the question yet. We started talking about spending our lives together in our first year together, and these past 5 years have only confirmed our desires. We are each others best friend, we cook together, spend time together every day, support each other through many ups and downs in life-deaths in the family, poor times, the stress of school and work, living apart for a year, and we are part of each others families. We don't live together, but live in apartments that face each other. We even have pets together.

 

This year I started to get discouraged about not getting engaged yet. I just graduated from college (he is graduating this year), and we were approaching the 5 year mark. I thought, surely at 5 years together, you know. But he didn't ask me. Ever since then, I keep hoping at every holiday, anniversary, and special day that it might happen, but it doesn't. I realize that he still probably doesn't feel ready, but I don't think he understands what he is putting me through.

 

I feel that we are drifting into dangerous territory, where you have built your lives together enough that the wedding and engagement seems obsolete. I am starting to feel like I don't even want to get married and it makes me so sad, because I want that whole engagement, wedding, thing.

 

When he proposes I want to be excited, surprised, and happy! I don't want to think, "FINALLY!"

 

It hurts me so much that he has not proposed yet that I end up angry and frustrated-NOT the feelings I want to have when he finally does pop the question. In fact now every time I hear of someone getting engaged (especially when most of them started dating years after we got together), I just get so upset. I feel like I want to ruin their happiness and I know that's just the bitterness talking, but I really just don't want to be bitter about this.

 

Here's what I wish I could tell him and any guys reading this:

If you're sure about me and about us, just ask me to marry you. We can stay engaged for a few years if we're not ready to have the wedding yet.

It would mean a lot to me if you ask me because it would say to me, "I want you for the rest of my life".

Wait for a special moment, but don't worry about perfect. If a special moment arises naturally, seize it! Even without a ring, it will be right.

The longer you delay (past the point when you're sure) the more you degrade that special moment or minimize the chances of it being a "perfect" moment. You don't want her to say, "FINALLY!"

 

Last but not least, I want to share something that, ironically, my boyfriend said to me. Most people think that the wedding day is the happiest day of your life, but he said, "I hope not, because that would be really sad for the rest of your life." We both agree that the wedding day is another step in your happy life. Well, guys, don't try to make the day you propose be the happiest day of your lady's life. Yes, make it a special awesome fun day, but remember that it's not the be-all, end-all, it's another step in your happy life.