How to be extroverted and faithful at the same time?

[Keraron]

In my regular life, I consider myself very extroverted with everyone, friends and "strangers" alike, male and female, and I feel that this trait has led me to meet not just many important people of my life, but is an essential part of my exploring the world, experiencing new things and growing as a person.

 

At the same time, it is unavoidable that this is part of what contributes to attracting the opposite sex, since a random conversations (I approach and conversate with people very quickly) can potentially be interpreted as flirting, and thus unwanted feelings may develop.

 

I am, however, against promiscuity and want to lead a life guided by high principles: I strive for monogamy and marriage and therefore I sometimes feel that my outgoing personality can cause conflict in this regard.

 

I decided that when I fall in love with a girl (and am sure there is high potential for a long term relationship - even before we are together as a couple), I generally avoid ALL contact with any other females except those whom I already know and am sure they see me only as friends/family.

 

My aim was to minimize useless jealousy and also prevent myself from being attracted or developing feelings towards other females.

 

I have tried this, but feel that this way I am not entirely myself. Knowing new people is very important to me. Yet I am scared that if I do resume approaching and being extroveted with other females, it might jeopardize my commitment to the girl I love / future girlfriend.

 

How to be extroverted and easygoing with the opposite sex, and still be faithful to he One you love?

[shes2smart]

Of the two of us, my husband is more outgoing than me and socializes with people a lot more than I do.

 

Every place he has worked, there comes point when I meet his co-workers....and every time I hear the same thing from them: "Oh, you know he talks about you all the time."

 

So, what he does in the course of his normal conversations with these folks is make it clear that he's 1. married, 2. happily married, 3. really into his wife, and 4. intends on staying that way.

 

For my part, I don't let his interactions/friendships with his female co-workers bother me because I know he's doing all the above. I know this not because he tells me -- I know it because THEY tell me when they finally meet me.

[Batya33]

Because there's a big difference between harmless flirting (which I even do with my female friends!) and being unfaithful or playing with fire/crossing the line. I am very extroverted - in fact, it is a main reason I got to know my husband - but that has no connection to my interest in and ability to be 100% faithful to him. Have I ever come accross as flirty without meaning to? Sure, I am sure we all have whether extroverted or not - but that's not being unfaithful.

 

Nor is harmless flirting and knowing what crosses the line depending on who the other person is, how you know the person, all of those contextual factors that come up in every social situation and not just with flirting. Having a blanket rule against talking to all females likely will end up backfiring - you'll feel uncomfortable and "off" keeping that up long term and then when you "break" your rule you'll feel overly guilty or perhaps like a kid in a candy store.

 

Also being extroverted doesn't have anything to do with keeping boundaries and being socially appropriate - in fact I would think that an extroverted person, who by definition interacts with others on a regular basis, would have a much better sense of boundaries and appropriate social behavior than a vey introverted person.

 

To me conflicts that arise as far as monogamy have everything to do with values and little if nothing to do with a particular situation -- unless you create a situation that is playing with fire, but if you create that, that also circles back to what your values are that justify creating it in the first place.

[annie24]

i agree with the other ladies - being extroverted and being faithful are two different things. i am an extrovert myself. just means i talk to all sorts of people, but again, that's all about sending out the right signals.

[HouseKitten]

My boyfriend is quite sociable. He's not always gagging to meet new people, but when we go out he can be relied upon to be chatty with both sexes. With old boyfriends I've sometimes found it worrying when they'd give attention to other women in conversation, but with him he gives out this vibe of being completely 100% friendly - and nothing more.

 

I've seen him flirt obviously, and I know he's more than capable of seducing a woman but basically he treats other women exactly as he treats his male friends. He's friendly, he'll joke around with them. But whereas with flirting you get body language, eye contact that lasts slightly too long and is a little too intense, a lot of double entendres etc etc, whatever you fancy, I don't ever see him doing any of that.

 

If you can treat your female friends exactly as you would your male ones then it doesn't matter how friendly you are, it can't be flirting. I had one ex who made me uncomfortable because although he always insisted he wasn't flirting, he couldn't help himself when talking to other girls - I don't know if it was intentional but he'd lower his voice, the tone would change, he'd look at them differently... I think his problem was that he was so used to sucking people in with his charisma that he never turned it off. So long as you're aware of what you're doing, you won't cross that line.

[BellaDonna]

i agree with the other ladies - being extroverted and being faithful are two different things. i am an extrovert myself. just means i talk to all sorts of people, but again, that's all about sending out the right signals.

 

 

I agree. Being introverted or extroverted has little to do with person ability to commit to a relationship. One can be extroverted and completely faithful. It just requires that the person does not act overly flirty, or sexual. I would imagine that a good frame of reference when talking to others is to act as you would if your partner was standing right there next to you.

[jonny15]

What does being an extrovert and being able to keep it in your pants have to do with anything?

[Keraron]

What does being an extrovert and being able to keep it in your pants have to do with anything?

 

The more people you get to know, the more women you get to know.

The more women you get to know, the more "options" you have.

 

Especially after infatuation and the "honeymoon period" are finished, it is quite easy to be attracted or impressed by other women, almost in the same way it happened when you were single. Curiosity plus that additional tinge of sexual tension.

 

Whether we act on this attraction or not is a different question, but to me being "faithful" means avoiding thoughts as well. I realized that the more I feel certain that my relationship with the girl I love will last (taking for granted), the easier it is for me to think about other girls.

 

I also think that this could lead to some kind of emotional infidelity.

[Keraron]

I had one ex who made me uncomfortable because although he always insisted he wasn't flirting, he couldn't help himself when talking to other girls - I don't know if it was intentional but he'd lower his voice, the tone would change, he'd look at them differently... I think his problem was that he was so used to sucking people in with his charisma that he never turned it off.

 

Yes, I know this.

 

When I am with my best friends or the girl I love, I am much more serious and intimate, as if I am talking with my parents, I share more mature thoughts, and act more "decently". But as soon as I am in a social setting (including them), especially when getting to know new people, I totally switch to "entertainer mode" which makes the socializing process faster and more fun. In such situations I enjoy quite a lot the attention I get, so I even say immature things, joke a lot, speak loud, am tempted to use dirty humor, etc.

 

May I ask... when your former boyfriend did this, did it make you jealous or did it make you feel embarrassed about him?

[greywolf]

OP, are you saying that you don't trust yourself in the company of women? If so, then avoiding them isn't the answer. You won't be able to avoid every single one of them.

[HouseKitten]

May I ask... when your former boyfriend did this, did it make you jealous or did it make you feel embarrassed about him?

 

A bit of both. It made me jealous to see him turning on the charm with another woman because naturally, he was my boyfriend and I felt he shouldn't be behaving that way with anyone but me.

 

There was also a level of embarrassment because I felt like our friends would look at him sitting on the other side of the room to me, flirting with other women (one time at a house party he danced provocatively with an old flame in the middle of our living room) and they'd be feeling sorry for me or wondering why I put up with it. I don't know if all of them did but at least two of my friends expressed their concern that I didn't know how to put him in his place - but because he was the sort of guy who had an answer for eveything, I never felt like I could.

 

And of course over time, all that breeds anger and resentment at being constantly put in that position by someone who supposedly cares how you feel.

[Keraron]

OP, are you saying that you don't trust yourself in the company of women? If so, then avoiding them isn't the answer. You won't be able to avoid every single one of them.

 

Exactly. Unless I use advanced meditation techniques, I think that I "naturally" get attracted to many women, even as friends.

 

A reason may be that even the girls I fall in love with / girlfriends are often women who were previously my friends.

[Batya33]

Exactly. Unless I use advanced meditation techniques, I think that I "naturally" get attracted to many women, even as friends.

 

A reason may be that even the girls I fall in love with / girlfriends are often women who were previously my friends.

 

I don't think your issue is that you are extroverted, but that you choose to react to feelings of attraction to other women -- all attraction is "natural" in the sense that what draws us to someone else on a romantic level often is simply chemistry (and later, what keeps us there is more of a combination of head/heart, choice, etc). I don't think you need meditation - you just need to decide that if you feel attracted to someone you are not going to act on it if you are in a committed relationship. Even the marriage vows recognize that people get attracted to other people even when in a relationship - you just promise to resist the temptation to act on those feelings

 

And I do not agree with the "the more women you know...." - all that matters is what you know of yourself and your values, and if you value commitment and loyalty then you won't act on feelings of attraction. We're all bombarded with temptation all the time - whether it's temptation to break a diet or be unfaithful, do something immoral knowing we won't get caught, etc. but that's not why affairs happen.

 

Yes, if you choose to put yourself in situations where you're playing with fire, that's different - so, going to a woman's house alone if there is attraction there probably isn't appropriate or a good idea, etc but if you value commitment and loyalty, being surrounded by beautiful women might be tempting but won't affect the end result.

[Keraron]

all attraction is "natural" in the sense that what draws us to someone else on a romantic level often is simply chemistry (and later, what keeps us there is more of a combination of head/heart, choice, etc). I don't think you need meditation - you just need to decide that if you feel attracted to someone you are not going to act on it if you are in a committed relationship.

 

Yes, but define "act on".

 

This may sound stupid, but for example, if in our existing relationship I value our friendship most, wouldn't it be like "cheating" to make friends with another woman, sharing secrets, etc?

I have many other female friends who I am sure would never become more than friends, mostly because they already are in relationships.

 

And what about imagining/fantasising about other women? Isn't that also a secret form of unfaithfulness, or at least a behavior that might jeopardize the success and good feelings in the existing relationship?

 

e.g. you think about a more beautiful woman, you see that your partner is not as beautiful, that may lead to dissatisfaction, and later to boredom and perhaps also to a break up...

[greywolf]

Yes, but define "act on".

 

This may sound stupid, but for example, if in our existing relationship I value our friendship most, wouldn't it be like "cheating" to make friends with another woman, sharing secrets, etc?

I have many other female friends who I am sure would never become more than friends, mostly because they already are in relationships.

 

And what about imagining/fantasising about other women? Isn't that also a secret form of unfaithfulness, or at least a behavior that might jeopardize the success and good feelings in the existing relationship?

 

e.g. you think about a more beautiful woman, you see that your partner is not as beautiful, that may lead to dissatisfaction, and later to boredom and perhaps also to a break up...

 

A partner is not meant to fulfill all of your needs, and no one could ever fulfill all of your needs. What a burden to bear. We all still need friendship outside of our relationships.

 

If you felt dissatisfied with your relationship just because you met someone more attractive than your partner, then you don't really love your partner.

[jonny15]

The more people you get to know, the more women you get to know.

The more women you get to know, the more "options" you have.

 

Especially after infatuation and the "honeymoon period" are finished, it is quite easy to be attracted or impressed by other women, almost in the same way it happened when you were single. Curiosity plus that additional tinge of sexual tension.

 

Whether we act on this attraction or not is a different question, but to me being "faithful" means avoiding thoughts as well. I realized that the more I feel certain that my relationship with the girl I love will last (taking for granted), the easier it is for me to think about other girls.

 

I also think that this could lead to some kind of emotional infidelity.

 

I don't see how that can stop you from being faithful.

 

And it's easy to be attracted to women period. You don't need to lose feelings for someone to think someone else is good looking.

 

And having thoughts are natural.

 

Your not a robot.

 

I just don't see how being out going is gonna stop you from being faithful.

[Batya33]

Yes, but define "act on".

 

This may sound stupid, but for example, if in our existing relationship I value our friendship most, wouldn't it be like "cheating" to make friends with another woman, sharing secrets, etc?

I have many other female friends who I am sure would never become more than friends, mostly because they already are in relationships.

 

And what about imagining/fantasising about other women? Isn't that also a secret form of unfaithfulness, or at least a behavior that might jeopardize the success and good feelings in the existing relationship?

 

e.g. you think about a more beautiful woman, you see that your partner is not as beautiful, that may lead to dissatisfaction, and later to boredom and perhaps also to a break up...

 

I don't think what you describe is being unfaithful unless you and your partner promised never to have platonic friends of the opposite gender (or the same gender if you might choose to experiment), or promised never to fantasize. Those would be foolish promises in my opinion and certainly aren't part of wedding vows so that should tell you something. As far as your last paragraph, the steps after the "fantasizing" are about choices you make on how to react to the fantasizing. The fantasizing itself to me is norma and not playing with fire although it is not something to share with your partner if it is going to unncecessarily hurt your partner.