Returning Gifts as a method of Healing

[JT]

After breaking up with my ex I still feel hurt. I kind of feel its necessary to return the birthday and xmas gifts I received from her back to her, as well as the pictures of us.

 

Do you think this is rude or a method of closure?

[BreArna]

I dont think u should return gifts, i dont know.. seems alittle odd to me

But u could return photos or maybe even jus put them away in a box somewhere or chuck them out.. She might think u are after sympathy if u return eveerything tho i think

[Hopingpraying]

JT,

 

I guess I am not sure what kind of message you are trying to send to her by returning the gifts? I guess in my opinion it is a bit rude, but I am not sure what kind of sentimental value you put on these gifts? Are we talking a braclet? A T-shirt? Pictures? Not sure..

 

What do you hope to get from her by returning the gifts? Is it a reaction? Her being hurt by it, or just the chance to contact her again??

 

I say don't return the gifts. I doubt anything good will come out of it.

[murrayfaces]

What exactly are you trying to achieve by returning the gifts. If you want to make her feel bad, then it's a bad idea. If you simply want to be rid of the stuff, consider giving it to goodwill or something. If it's something that you think will make you feel better, then I guess you could consider it, but I honestly don't think you will feel any better. It's just one of those "grasping" things - things we hold on to that might attach us back to someone we once/still do love. But using these things as weapons only hurts ourselves. I'm definitely not implying that you have bad intentions, it's just a tool of our attachment needs.

[headbanger]

I don't see anything wrong with returning photos to her just tell her they are a painful reminder of what you had. But still this could back fire she still could think it's for sympathy. The best thing to do if you want to rid yoursellf of these painful reminders is just dump them in the trash. I had the same thoughts after my breakup. There were items littlered around the house cards she sent with beutiful messages on them that she wrote, pictures of her and us, cloths she had bought or picked out for me, a telephone she gave to me, a ring all this stuff after the break was put up in the closet. But it was still drawing me in and I would pull it down and scan over it all. I had had enough of it so one day I pulled it all out the cards, cloths, ring even the phone I unplugged went through it one last time and after I recovered from it, I took it and threw it in the garbage. At which point I realized thats exactly were it belongs.

Yeah but then I had to go buy another phone.

Good luck

[debisfun]

I strongly agree with everybody here. Returning the gifts and photo's is not a good idea. Honestly, what are you trying to do? You might think that will give you closure but it won't. All you are doing is getting a little "fix" to feed your addiction (it doesn't matter if it's a bad fix -- you are still having contact).

 

You need to box all that stuff up, and either throw it away or put it away.

 

I know how you feel, I did the same thing.

 

My boyfriend broke up with me 5 weeks ago today (but who's counting?) We had gone on a wonderful trip to the wine country where I bought about 10 bottles of really good wine. I couldn't bear to see it in the house and couldn't imagine every wanting to drink it (still can't). Thank goodness my best friend was over that day helping me get over my hysterics and she took all the wine home. I told her to drink it -- who knows if she will or if she will break it out when I go over to her house for dinner (decanted of course, so I don't know what it is!)

 

I also took all the pictures of us and put them away in the garage. Maybe one day I'll be able to look at them, but not yet.

 

I also haven't been able to wear any of the jewelry he gave me (nice things from Tiffany's!). Again, maybe someday, but not now.

 

Good luck.

[msgsmsgs]

Just try to imagine what the new GF would feel if/when she see the items the EX left behind.

I went to my GF's house and I saw a lot of his gifts still around.

She still had a picture frame he gave her (in her sister's room)

There's still plate matts he brought on his vacation (you put your plate on the matt on the dinner table) being used in the dining room now! They split up over 4 yrs ago, and her mom asked her if I have asked about the matts.

Somehow she still kept a lamp (his gift again....) in her room and still using a winter hat he gave her........

 

He treated her quite bad, taken her as granted and ALWAYS take her to eat at fastfood joints. Well, I have to admit it made it easier for me, which makes her apprecite me a lot more.

 

Ok, some of the items are not like photos or teddy bear........ (I never asked about those), it just annoys me when I see his stuff around........like a constant reminder he can come back and kick me out of the picture.

[murrayfaces]

I mentioned this before on another topic discussion. It took me the longest time to get over putting stuff away into drawers, because his clothes/etc. were still there, in OUR drawers. But, once I realized that they were back to being MY drawers, I knew I'd taken one of the steps to moving on. I still have a ton of his stuff in our(formerly, back to being MY) house. I don't have to worry about returning gifts, because he only bought me one thing during the whole time we were together, because he only got a job in the last month that we were together. What's weirder for me, was initially deciding to return the gifts I had bought him. I wasn't there when he came to get his stuff(too painful, still a sore subject in my head, somewehat), so he only took the bare necessities. He didn't go into the dress clothes closet, thus leaving things like $150 shirts and stuff behind as a final F-U to me. Which is what is was so perplexing to me - he took piddly, dumpy little things, but left some of the best stuff. Maybe we should all get together and have an ex's stuff garage sale.

[Tinkerbell]

I don't think that you should return the gifts (because afterall, these items do belong to you now, and it sounds a little silly to me to send them back..) but if you still have possession of some of HER items, such as CD's, sweaters, etc. then that would be okay to return. I'd keep the pictures though, they're memories that you might want to reflect on one day.

[EatZ]

What about the gifts you can't bare to put away?

 

I was dumped by my girl last week. I'm a wreck. I'm dreadfully hurt by the whole break-up, and I've got a myriad of gifts that remind me of her constantly. Even things that aren't really gifts. Things like internet conversations, emails, photos of her/us, songs we used to listen and sing along to, etc... things that are still on my computer. I was brave enough to collect them all of them together a few days ago and hide them in a box/folder out of sight. Everything, both physical and digital... But there's one gift that's still in sight, and I don't know what to do about it.

 

My ex-girlfriend knew (and probably still knows) me better than anyone in my life. Last Christmas she bought me a boxed Pixar DVD set as her present to me, and while it sounds like nothing, it nearly made me cry. I'm a 3D Animator and an absolute Pixar fanatic, so the gift -- to me -- was nothing short of overwhelming. No one else had thought to buy me anything along those lines before. Sure they're just DVD's. Kids movies even... but it was cute and simple. It's the most treasured gift I have from anyone in my life.

 

I still have the DVD's sprayed around the TV beside my bed and I frequently watch/study them, but every time I see them I think of her. In many ways it's torture. She only ever gave it to me out of kindness and love, and I'd NEVER send it back to her because of its value to me. But it has sentimental value too. I see them and can't help but think of her. It hurts.

 

I'm starting to justify leaving them out by classing them as one of those "unavoidables". Like when you walk down the street and see the restaurant you both used to frequent. Or when you sit down on the couch and one of the TV programs you used to watch together suddenly comes on. There's so many things day to day that remind me of her, and I'm starting to wonder if this is just another unnecessary reminder.

 

What should I do about this particular gift?