dealing with resentment, anger

[SilverSurfer]

i'm finding it particularly difficult to let go of the resentment and anger i have for my ex... i've been trying NC but its not easy given we're in the same school. i was the one who ended the relationship 2 months ago, because i could not accept her rageful behaviour at times. i offered to give it another try, perhaps i shouldn't have. even as 'friends' i was still expected to treat her life a girlfriend.

 

2 weeks back i just decided to end everything.

 

some people let go quicker, some people can take years. i don't want to be one of those to bear grudges but i really can't see how i'm supposed to even talk to her again. there's just so much pent up emotion inside me that i'm afraid i'd do something regreful the next time i see her.

 

perhaps i just need to be convinced that breaking up was the right thing to do. advice?

[BreArna]

Before i can try and give some advice i have to know why ur so resentful towards her ?

[kungfumaster]

Hi SilverSurfer,

 

The feelings of resentment and anger are normal. They begin to subside (at least in my case) when you realize that you made mistakes too in the relationship - and that it is not all her fault.

 

Realizing that the failure of the relationship falls equally on you and your ex-partner takes time. In the meantime, you have to get those feelings of anger out, or else they'll just eat away at you.

 

The best way I find to get feelings of anger out is to go to the gym. Run, lift weights, and if there is a punching bag there - go nuts. Humour also relieves anger. Screaming in your car with the music on full blast is another good one. Cleaning your apartment, washing dishes, doing a load of laundry - those help too.

 

Good luck surfer dude.

Kung fu

[SilverSurfer]

brearna : we were together for about 6 months, not much. it started off so well, everything seemed so perfect then. but we soon started quarrelling, it got more and more frequent, and the intensity of her rage kept reaching new levels. it was just so crushing to try and set things right, and be harshly criticised for not trying hard enough. it got to a point when i was walking on eggshells all the time, not wanting to spark off a powderkeg of anger. i was always the one who made her angry, always the one who had to apologise quickly, always the one who had to always 'say the right things, the nice things, all the time'.

 

someone on this forum pointed me towards a site on emotional abuse, and it was a terrible feeling to read about it. it was a little too late, because i had already broken up, but i approached her with what i found. she didn't take kindly to what i had to say, but we went through great lengths to talk about what went wrong in the relationship, and i ended up asking her for another chance to set all the wrong things right.

 

she said she wanted the space to consider, and i try to give her the space she wanted. its hard to come clean without NC, and after trying to be 'friends' for awhile, i'm still the target of her rage when i say the wrong things on the phone, or when i don't do something i used to do.

 

it got particularly bad 2 weeks ago when she blew up at me over my bad mood. i had a bad day in school and wasn't in a particularly friendly disposition when i met her briefly before going home. she was (very)offended and took it out on me with the usual rage. it continued well into the next day as well with no let up.

 

the resentment comes from an accumulation of things, there was a whole lot of quarrelling followed by really good days. it was sheer madness on the emotional rollercoaster.

[debisfun]

If I were you, I would seriously question why I would want to stay in such an abusive relationship.

 

This is NOT normal and healthy. Sure, you "have good times" together, but feeling like you have to walk on eggshells is just wrong. Your s/o should be your biggest fan, your most ardent supporter, the person that is THERE for you when you have a bad day.

 

Don't second guess yourself. Trust what your instincts are telling you. Believe me, this is NOT about you. It's about her and her inability to relate on an emotionally mature level.

 

Dont' you deserve better than that? It's not your job to "fix" her. A healthy person will protect themself and find someone w/o those issues (which sounds like what you are doing.)

 

Good Job. and Good Luck.

[SilverSurfer]

debisfun: it took me months, but i finally decided to let it all go. i don't regret what i did, i have no intentions anymore of wanting her back. and my friends tell me i should have given it up earlier.

 

thanks for the heads-up, it took an amazing amount of hurt before i finally let go, and looking back i realised how many 'red-flags' about her character i missed.

 

any tips on how to deal with the resentment?

[JT]

I can identify a lot with your situation my friend. I also ended a 2 year relationship with someone who had "anger issues" about 1 month ago. Its been very hard, and as much as I try to be a man to her and not let her get to me.. she still does. She knows exactly how to push my buttons and uses it to her advantage. I have had no contact with her, but we have friends in common who told me that she blames me for everything. There's a post on here about it. Makes me angry yes, but I have realized its a tactic to make herself feel better without addressing her own issues, and quite frankly I pity the man she chooses to get involved with next. I tell myself I should have ended it 1 year ago when I walked out.. but no, her manipulative ways persuaded me otherwise. I walked out because she began to get physical. I did not reciprocate this behavior.

 

To sum it up.. I know the type of girl your dealing with here.. its gonna be hard to stay away from her, but your are the better man. Suck it up, don't talk to her and dont give her what she wants.. and thats for you to get upset when she does these sorts of things. You let her do the blaming if necessary, you work on yourself, you become strong and you will let it go because you have learned.

 

During the breakup i said harsh words, so did she.. I wrote her a letter apologizing for my behavior and actually forgiving her. Forgiveness is the first step to letting go. Getting stuck in anger means you are still attached. I've worked hard to let the anger go.. yet it still lingers, But I've come a long way thus far and I'm confident it will go away permanently.

 

Be the better man. Chin up, confidence, ignore her and move on.

 

Best wishes

 

JT

[im_not_jose]

well, in some ways i can agree with you, but, although i dont know everything about your relationship(s), i would also like to point out the flipside.

 

my last relationship was kind of abusive on an emotional level; the fault of both my ex and I. My ex, in particular, would go into these dark moods which freaked me out, which in the beginning I could handle, but after a while it got to me and I started reciprocating. As a result of them, I started hiding some feelings away from my ex and didnt feel like i could just be myself or do things that I wanted to for fear of upsetting her or losing her. That was extremely stressful, and it got under my skin a lot and after a while I just didnt know how to vent my frustrations, so I got angry on occasions and said things more passionately than I should have (nothing bad, just in an angry tone) or would close myself off from the world. Not because I didn't love her, or that I didnt want to be with her or that I wanted to hurt her, but because she couldnt see how she was hurting me and I didn't know how to show her.

 

Now that I'm out of that relationship and with someone new... someone who is more respectful of my feelings and someone who loves me for who I am, rather than trying to change who I am, all that anger is gone and just doesnt exist or possibly could exist at all.

 

What Im trying to say tho is that you seem to be focussing all the problems on your ex, whereas the problem might actually be in a few ways with you, and that its driven her to the point of verbal aggressiveness. Because often, aggressiveness is just a form of cry for help... a feeling of helplessness and frustration

 

Again, I dont know your whole situation. but I am trying to present an alternative view. i dont know whether breaking up with your gf is good or looking more deeply into the situation and trying to fix things, rather than blindsighting it. all i can say is that my ex broke up with me at the time she had broken me the most inside, and strangely enough, that was the most painful experience ever. I dont know if she's changed, but i hope for the sake of her dan, because i cant imagine anyone else putting up with as much as i did. and the same is true for me, but i know i have changed my ways. i definitely learnt a lot about myself and learnt from my mistakes to be a better person. the relationship was going to end, and it was painful, but i realized I might as well learn to be a better person from it

[SilverSurfer]

INJ,

 

i've come a long way since i originally posted the message. you're right in saying that i should also look at myself, and yes, i believe that i was simply too unaccepting of her difficult behaviour and impatient in wanting her to change her ways. we had so many problems throughout the relationship and i guess neither of us was willing to really work on the problems. she kept saying that the effort needed was simply too much for a good relationship.

 

now that everything's over, i'm gradually trying to figure out what went wrong and how i should change myself. not for her, but for myself. only recently was i able to accept her behaviour and tell myself to accept her for what she really is. i couldn't do that at all during the relationship, no matter how hard i tried, because there was just no time and space in between the difficult times.

[JT]

I've also done a lot of soul searching. I've read books.. still reading them too. I also went to therapy to analyze what went wrong in the relationship and my contributions to the issues as well as hers. I really have a good understanding of the problems and I've resolved a lot of that anger. I chose to do this so I would not bring these issues to the next relationshp that I was going to be in. I've done a lot of reading about psychology and relationships. What happens usually is whats called the 90/10 principle. 90% past, 10% present. So anything in realtime is really 90% past issues. Relationships really bring out the unresolved feelings if you have any and you must deal with them or else it's detrimental to the relationship. Analyze what you did wrong and try to draw it into your past, like when you were a child and behaved the same way. You'll be amazed at how you dealt with the situation then, is often how you dealt with the situation now. With an increased awareness of this, your able to change your ways by looking at things more objectively.

 

Ask yourself this: In any way shape or form were your mates like your father or your mother?

[kate111]

I don't think the answer comes with analysing and reanalysing the past over and over again.

 

In the beginning going over the past like this is normal but there comes a point where you want to stop doing this.

 

I think forgiveness is the key. You have to be able to say "whatever happened I forgive you for what you did, and i forgive my mistakes too". That way you are not a prisoner of the past but can move on.

 

When your mind starts to think of things that might make you angry, say to yourself "its in the past now, don't think about it." Give yourself a break and move forward.

 

If you want more tips or are interested in forgiveness then visit my post "How do i learn to forgive?" on this message board.

[SilverSurfer]

I don't think the answer comes with analysing and reanalysing the past over and over again.

 

In the beginning going over the past like this is normal but there comes a point where you want to stop doing this.

 

I think forgiveness is the key. You have to be able to say "whatever happened I forgive you for what you did, and i forgive my mistakes too". That way you are not a prisoner of the past but can move on.

 

kate111,

 

personally, i needed some level of rationalisation before i was willing to let go and forgive. maybe it's the way some guys are wired, for myself, i know i need a (good) reason before doing anything. i agree that beyond a certain point, reanalysing the past becomes a drag. i keep a journal to write down the most pertinent points so i don't unnecessarily dig the past up again.

[JT]

Re-analyze and learn from it.. don't go back there and repeat the same mistakes. Thats why its important during the first few months of separation to go through this.

[im_not_jose]

kate, i appreciate what you say, but i also think reanalysing things was important for me. because i needed an answer. short and simple. you know, an answer that, by the same logic of why she fell for me in the first place, would explain why she didnt want me anymore. and I guess she just didnt know or maybe she couldnt explain. but the analysing was important for me, because now, after thinking things through and changing my ways, I have become a much much better man for her than I ever was, and thereforeeee I'll take that with me and make my current girlfriend as happy as I can make her.

 

the 90% - 10% rule is true... although I dont really live in the past, my past is what defines me as a person. even if some moments were sad and some were happy, sad memories are important to remind you what is important in life and making you realize that the most important thing is being happy and making those around you happy. it may sound silly, but thats a hard lesson to learn sometimes

[kate111]

Yes JOse,

 

I agree with you 100%. There is definitely much to be learnt by thinking about the past.

 

But in my situation I became obsessed with thinking about "why".

 

I had to let go of this because otherwise it was going to prevent me from moving forward.

 

Forward is also important.

[im_not_jose]

i understand what you mean. my sympathies to you and what you have been through. my breakup felt like absolute hell, so i can only imagine what its like for other people.