Mornings are so hard

[sweetione]

As soon as I wake up in the morning, it all hits me instantly. Here I am without the man I love with another day to get through somehow. (deep sigh) I just don't know how to move on. I know that i am suppose to be dating, but seriously, i am just not attracted to anyone else. If you all could post any advise for me it would be greatly appreciated.

 

I dated my boyfriend seriously for a year. We had no problems at all,at least to me. We never fought or argued, we always enjoyed each other laughing and being each others best friends. I really had no idea there was any kind of problem until one night, 6 weeks ago, he text messaged me that he couldn't continue with our relationship. The next day we did talk over the phone and it came out that he just wanted to be free, without a serious girlfriend. That i hadn't done anything wrong. He just wanted to be selfish and to be able to date others. He was married for 5 years before and it ended pretty badly and i met him pretty much as he was signing the papers. He had been separated for over a year at that time and had gone on a couple of dates before meeting me. But he is using this as a reason too. (went from one serious relationship -- into another one)

 

So we decided, mostly my idea, that instead of throwing away this wonderful relationship, we should still date but date others too. He was surprised that i would agree to this but if this is something he has work out, maybe it is best i am still in the picture.(???)

 

After this conversation we had n/c for 2 weeks whereas he called and we had a nice chat about what we had been doing, etc. We hang up and he calls back 2 min later asking me out to dinner but not to read anything into it. So we go and have a wonderful time, as usual. The next day was a prearranged concert we had plans to see before the breakup. Actually it was an anniversary gift from me. So we went the next day and had another fanstatic time, but this time i spent the night. It was very memorable.... 3 days later i called him, we made small talk, he was happy to hear from me, but i started asking relationship questions and he answered me the same answers. Almost like stabbing me in the heart with a knife.....

 

So I decided to try n/c again this time i didn't talk to him for 3 weeks. Last night i gave in. I am not sure if i should be using n/c anyway....(??) I called him all excited and all, telling him about passing the real estate test, just wanting him to know...blah blah blah. He was happy for me and we chatted for over 20 min basically about what we have been doing. I kept the conversation light and didn't bring up anything related to our relaionship. I ended the conversation by telling him that I didn't want to keep him just wanted to tell him about passing my test.

 

 

I think it went well but I am not sure if/when I will talk to him again....

He has 3 more weeks of school and then he won't be as busy as he is now(he works fulltime and working on his masters) and i am hoping that will help in our direction. But i don't know anything.

 

After reading all this...does anyone have advise for me??? God i really need it!! Do you think we can get back together?? Has anyone else been in this situation?? Help me......please.

[Brandell]

.. i am afraid I do not have any answers to your dilemma, but I identify with you SO MUCH. If I could reach out and give you a hug right now believe me I would.

 

I do not understand why people hurt others so much and not even realise it. I know the pain of that anxious gnawing at your heart, waiting for the call, and when it does come trying not to screw it up, and (in my case), always screing it up by breaking down and crying or sounding desperate. I know the pain of going through the day pretending all is ok, maybe its for the best, I am getting stronger etc. and not believing ANY of it and above all wondering why someone who once proclaime you to be the centre of their universe has, to all intents and purposes, done an about face and left you in the cold.

 

I have been told time will change this and we wil begin to realise we are stronger without our ex's but one thing I HAVE learned is that everytime I do contact her it makes it worse, much worse. Its almost like as long as they know we are there waiting for them to call, it gives them strength and makes them feel better about their decision, knowing all they have to do is pick up the phone and we will be there for them.

 

the answer is to let them think we are gone, really gone, no matter whether we are or not and if the love us enough, then, and only then will they come and get us... and if not, well then it really IS over.

 

Hugs to you.

[lisaria]

hey sweetione,

The mornings are always the hardest. You slowly wake up, a new day. Then Bam!!! it hits you....He's not there. It may feel like a hit in the stomach on some days. But please remember that this too will pass. It will get better.

I am not sure where things are going with you guys, and it sounds like the last phone call went well. But now what? It is hurting you to still contact this guy who doesn't seem so interested. I'm sorry. I know that hurts and I wish I saw it differently, but that is how it comes accross to me.

Congratulations on passing your real estate test. That is something really good that is going on in your life. You need to concentrate on it. Find other things that are positive and concentrate on those. Make a list of them. Remember that there are things other than him that make your life fun and whole. We all want to call our exes and tell them about the good things going on with us, to show them that we are winning and doing great things without them. Then they will see what they are missing and suddenly realize how much they love us and come back. Only it doesn't work out that way...not too many times. Actually I don't know of it ever working out, I could be wrong and if I am somebody let me know, so it will give us all hope. But it seems to me that when they've made up their minds that they don't want us anymore, then that is it. It's over. I wish to god it wasn't like that, but it is.

I think you should stick with the No Contact. Let him go. I know that is the hardest thing to decide to do. I am still having trouble with it and it's been three and half months since my split with my ex. But you need to worry about how it is affecting you. He's certainly not. Give it a few months until you are stronger and better able to carry on just a friendship with him. Because that is all he seems to want at this point, which is great for him, but not for you. It's hurting you to maintain contact with him. This is now about you and only you. He gave up the right to be in your worries when he pulled out of the relationship. It's hard I know.

Do not sleep with him anymore. When a woman sleeps with a man, especially when we already have feelings for him, a hormone is released that bonds us to them. It goes back to our cavemen days when we needed them around or something. But it makes it that much harder to let go of the feelings we have for them and to heal. Right now you need to concentrate on that healing. Date others if you can. Go out do things. Exercise. If you need to vent do it up here or with your friends. Get the emotions out. Cry. Scream. Anything that will help you to let it go. You can do it, ya' know. You must do it for your own peace of mind. Time is a great healer and will do wonders. It's just getting through each and every minute of the day that is so damned hard. Some days will be worse than others and will never seem to end, but they do. Eventually.

I wish you all the best and good luck with the real estate! Time to celebrate!!!

[sweetione]

Brandell, thank you for your reply. And I would give anything to have that hug from you! I am not sure that he knows how much i am hurting. I don't want him to know - don't think it would help. That is why I called about the passing the realestate test. Wanted him to think I was ok and happy so that he would want to talk to me and not some unhappy girl(then he really wouldn't want to talk to me)

 

Lisaria, thank you for your long post. But I don't think my heart will let me give up that easy. In your post you wrote "But it seems to me that when they've made up their minds that they don't want us anymore, then that is it. It's over. I wish to god it wasn't like that, but it is." I hope to God you are wrong. If you are right then there isn't much point in any of us writing in this forum! Does anyone have a success story???

Does anyone think i have a chance of getting back together or does everyone agree with Lisaria's post???

[lisaria]

Hey sweetione,

I really hope I am wrong. For my own selfish reasons I hope I am. I want my ex back too, more than anything. Even though he hurt me, cheated and lied, I would still take him back today. I've been thinking about us alot lately, my own part and the ways I hurt him too. I want to ask his forgiveness, but I can't right now. I am not strong enough to risk his wrath.

The thing is not to give up on love, just to get past the hurt until we are strong enough to take whatever they dish out. If that means friendship later, then that's great. But not if you want more. It's about you healing.

lisa

[AB38]

Why bother writing in this forum, simple. There are people here who completely understand your position. I have read so many similar posts.

 

Lisaria, good post. Listen to her, this is about you healing. Each day that passes gets better, only when you have accepted things. And the only for you to do that is to have absolutely no contact.

 

We, the brokenhearted in the forum, are here for you!

[Singer]

sweetieone, you told my story. The only thing different is he wasn't married, but was living with someone, and left her for me. Everything else was pretty much the same. Told me he loved me, he knew it was going to work out, etc. We never argued or fought, always laughed and enjoyed each other. Then after several months said he didn't know what was wrong, but he couldn't continue. He said maybe we went too fast. Pretty much just cold feet on his part.

 

I think you are on the right track. You are keeping your interactions light and friendly, and casual. If you both enjoy that, then I see no reason to not continue with that. You are one step ahead of me, because he has asked you out to dinner. My ex has not done that, but it has been only 6 weeks. Also, yours said that he wanted to date other people, but still wants to date you as well. If that is OK with you and he is really what you want (remember, be careful what you wish for!!), then I say go for it. Just make sure emotionally you are ready for things to go either way.

 

Keep it casual and light, and never ever bring up the relationship itself because he will feel pressured again and it will make you seem insecure & unhappy without him -- definitely not what you want to portray. As a final note, I WOULD NOT have sex with him again until you are firmly back together. That's just asking for trouble and confusion. Good luck.

[DragonGirl724]

yea girl im soooo with u right now!! not one moring goes by that i dont say 'awww i miss my baby' i still sleep w/ his tshirt & as odd as it is if i lose grasp of it during my sleep it actually wakes me up & i find it sumwhere in my sheets, & only then am i able to fall back asleep...weird huh. nights are hard too. hes always my first & last thoughts during the day (i hope im still his...) i usually dream about him which usually makes me either more depressed or more hopeful come the morning after. i am reassured to know he still has dreams about me. he told me last month he has continuous dreams about me, usually theyre sex related lol but watever..haha

 

hang in there darlin'...we all know how tought it is *sigh*...

 

"Geez!! if they ONLY KNEW huh!!??"

 

-DG724

[sweetione]

He Im'd me last night. Not sure if i should think the worse or not. Just to let you get caught up: I told him 3 weeks ago when we went out last that I was going crazy looking all over for my black pants and couldn't find them....

 

"I was cleaning today and found ur black pants along with some other stuff. Do you want me 2 drop this off. I am heading out now and can swing by if u like"

 

Last night i was upset by this message but reading it today, it sounds like he was helping me out. What do you guys think?? I also think I am going to retry the n/c .

[Singer]

Well, if you really want the pants back, then let him drop them off. If you want to be there when he does this, make sure you psych yourself up and are in the right frame of mind. Use this as another opportunity to show the best side of yourself -- happy, in a good mood, fun to be around. NO neediness, NO pouting, NO questions!!

 

If it were me I wouldn't even ask him in... it will get him thinking, and maybe afterwards he will realize that he wanted to be asked in, and I bet you'll hear from him again. Just do not expect an immediate reaction, because odds are 99-1 you won't get anything. I would answer the door with a big smile, take the items from him, thank him sincerely for taking the time to drop them off. Then give him a hug and a little squeeze, still smiling, and send him off. Then go back to your day.

[Singer]

Now for my own story... I hope I am doing alright at taking my own advice!!! The weather has been really great here, sunny and 80'. Perfect weather, and my recent ex just bought a brand-new motorcycle. Something we were supposed to enjoy together but didn't get the chance...... YET. I am going to use the new bike as a chance to see him and just have fun together. The other thing is, when we were still together he was under the impression that I wasn't interested in getting on the bike (I've never ridden before). But the truth is, I was just scared and wanted to be talked into it. Stupid me, I didn't realize at the time how important shared activities are to men.

 

The new bike hasn't been delivered yet; he won't have it until probably this weekend. But the weather has been so great, and he is on vacation from work right now, so the waiting was unbearable. I know he was selling his old bike, but I wasn't sure if it was gone yet.

 

I was dying to get out and enjoy the amazing day, so I sent him a text earlier saying, "Do u still have your old bike?" About 20 min. later he wrote back simply, "No." I texted him back, "Oh... Sorry "

 

That was all. I had to really fight the temptation to ask him another question, to keep the conversation rolling, and try to get some reaction/attention from him. This is so unbelievably hard. But I want to do the right thing, and give him the freedom he obviously wanted. That is the only way to keep his heart at least partly open to communication with me.

 

Also, he is not usually that abrupt (one-word answers), which upset me at first, but I realize there are a million possible reasons why. His new flame could have been nearby, or he could be with his buddies, or he could have been busy with something, or it could have just been that he is pissed about not having a bike to enjoy while he is off work. Hell, it could also be that he thinks I'm not taking the breakup seriously and respecting his space -- all the more reason to not send him another message.

 

So I had to really try to not take it personally, and I think I did OK. It is still so hard, I really miss him, but I know that pressuring him or trying to get feedback will only push him away.

[Singer]

So sweetieone, what happened with the pants? Did he drop them off?

[sweetione]

Singer,

That is excellent advice. I haven't heard from him since that IM. I had missed it when he IM'd me and wasn't able to respond back til late.

But if he does call or anything about my things, i will use your advice.

 

I have decided that I am in way too much pain and don't want to be anymore. He doesn't seem to care. And all his actions seem to show that he doesn't care. Maybe it is an act, I don't know. I mean he is nice to me as I am nice to him. When i talk to him i am always upbeat and I try to sound happy. But it just doesn't seem like he misses me or if he is even second guessing this breakup. I find it completely painful that i am here so sad and he is going out with his friends all the time. This weekend he is going away with friends. I think this might be a phase, and after the newness wears off, he will finally have to face what he has done. I just wonder how long it will take. Or maybe I am the delusional one.....

[Singer]

I know what you mean by it doesn't seem he misses you or anything. In my case, my ex is seeing someone else so he probably really doesn't miss me. But you also have to remember, people often feel things that they are not yet aware of. I don't want to give you false hope, but at the same time sometimes there IS a delay in reaction. You never know. But in the meantime you have to do what is right for you. If it causes you too much pain to talk to him or see him, then don't do it.

 

As for the messaging issue, I had a 3-year relationship with a guy who did things like this. (Not my recent ex, actually someone before him.)

He is playing a game by not replying to your IM. You weren't there to respond right away, thereforeeee HE is going to make YOU wait. That's OK!!! He will reply, I think it's only a matter of time. Otherwise he would not have mentioned finding your things in the first place. He brought it up to use it as a sort of 'bargaining chip' to get a reaction out of you.

 

Let him play his game, it will make him all the more shocked when he sees that it hasn't had an effect on you. (We know that it is having an effect on you, but it's up to you to make sure he doesn't know that! ) The cooler and more polite (but still smiling & happy) you are when you DO see him, the more shocked he'll be, believe me. Be strong & hang in there.

[princesa]

Hello Sweetieone and everybody else,

 

yes here we are...all of us, still writing on this forum - why??? I don't think it's that much about giving each other hope! Ok, he/she may come back, this may happen, but in most of the cases it doesn't...it's much more about sharing this probably surreal expectation of everything returning back to where it was. We are all hoping for that miracle...but deep down we also know that this is probably not going to happen and thereforeeee we need all the support we can get from people that know exactly how we are feeling, because they are in the same situation.

 

Your title captured my attention because it's soooo true: mornings are the worst. I hate having to think about my ex the last thing in the evening, the first god damn thing in the morning. Why? For how long? I don't have a clue. No matter how much I love him and wish him to realise what a wonderful human being he has dumped...what are the chances that actually is going to happen? The thing is...no matter how much we ponder here on whether our ex's still might want to come back or not, I think the most important thing is to support each other to move on...

 

Anyways. I guess you've all read tons of self help literature - how about reading a novel instead? I recommend you ladies who haven't already read the book Laura Zigman: "Animal husbandry" it's soooooo our situation...and it still helps you laugh and get a let's say pseudo-scientific view on breaking up.

 

In the book, when Jane is dumped by her boy friend her friend gives her this advice (that I'd love to give us all now):

"After Andrew", he said, "I forced myself to go out, to meet people, to date. But everytime I did, every time I was out or in bed with someone, I'd think, But they're not him. And they weren't. And you're going to think that for a while too, because they're not Ray either, and somehow you're going to have to believe that even though they're not Ray, there's going to be someone else who's going to make you just as happy as he did." He sat down next to me on the couch and sighed, as if he knew what I wanted to hear. "Maybe he'll come back. And maybe he won't. But nothing you do will affect that. You can wait for something that may never happen or you can start trying to get over him now."

 

Does this sound familiar?

 

Hugs for everyone,

Princesa

[Singer]

OK, I see what you are saying, and on the one hand yes, I agree with you. But I feel it necessary to point out that this particular forum is about getting back together. If we were ready and willing at this point to give up, there is a forum called Breaking Up that is dedicated to getting over someone.

 

Here in the Getting Back Together area, what people are looking for is advice about 1) the likelihood of reconciliation, and 2) specific techniques and actions for increasing the chances of reconciliation.

 

[Notice the part in bold -- I am not saying "making someone come back." I think most of us here know we cannot make our ex do anything.]

 

Also, the people in this area are also looking for support while they do their best to carry out their planned course of action. For example, if a 'no contact' period is warranted, lots of moral support is sometimes needed to keep it going. And, ironically, carrying out our individual 'plans' also does help us to move on in the long run, whichever way things turn out.

Does that make sense?

[princesa]

Hi Singer,

 

yes...it does make sense...and I'm sorry I pointed the moving on question out in this section...in fact I wasn't looking where I was writing, for me this breaking up, getting back together, healing a broken heart is all the same: I'm hurt, I miss him, I wish he'd love me, and I know he doesn't, I have to move on...I need support in every way. Of course, if someone could give me the ultimate advice to get him back...I'd be more than delighted!!!

But isn't it true as well, that we want to see the likelihood of reconciliation...even if there isn't any. I mean it's a lot more encouraging to write in this forum than listen to the advice in the section breaking up...

 

Anyways, I got your point. From now on I'll give my advice to move on in the other section ...but secretly come here for any advice to get my ex back!!!!

 

Princesa

[Singer]

AB- Solutely. We all want to see things that may or may not be there, especially in the beginning. I know what you're saying, in a lot of ways the 3 different sections are all the same, they're all about moving on in one way or another. Also, you're right, this one is a lot more encouraging.

 

There's a section in the Dale Carnegie book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, where the author relates a really interesting anecdote. He tells of a woman who had basically lost her mind after going through unthinkable tragedies (can't remember details, but several people close to her, incl. husband, had died w/in a short time). She had regular conversations with her husband and seemed to believe that he was still alive. But...her doctor has stopped trying to bring her back in touch with the reality that the man is never coming back. When asked why, he answers that she is so happy, he believes it is healthier for her. If she were reminded on a regular basis of what her reality really was, she would be absolutely devastated, emotionally and possibly physically.

 

Am I suggesting we allow ourselves to lose touch and live in a dream world? NO WAY!!! What I am saying is, if hanging out in the Getting Back Together forum keeps me from being off the couch, with a wad of tissues in one hand and my cell phone in the other, sobbing, then so be it. When I go to the Breaking Up section, it gets so depressing I can't take it. For me it's not about getting promises that he'll come back and we'll live happily ever after. It's about trying to maximize my chances of him coming back, while also trying to get on with my life in the meantime.

[sweetione]

I agree with you singer.

 

Maybe my ex will return and maybe he won't. But in this forum of getting back together, I want to hang on to the hope that he will. And others here will offer me support, even if I am crazy for believing. I do have to say that this forum has helped me alot. When I don't know where to turn and I am so sad or need advice, I will come here and read and I do feel stronger afterwards.

[princesa]

Hi again,

 

ok...I surrender. I admit it's easier to come here and get advice for those magic tricks that'll bring him back. By tha way, i'm just trying one of mu own out, in case it works, I'll let you know...

If it doesn't work...I'll slowly but definitely move towards healing a broken heart section, because the break up seems to be definite, I've lost the illusion of him coming running back, and I guess I'm just broken hearted.

Anyways, I agree with you Singer.

 

Princesa

[sweetione]

Dragon Girl,

 

I have been keeping up with your posts and I really think you have to have completely no contact with your guy. You already wrote him a very long letter apologizing and explaining your feelings, I believe there is nothing else you can do for now. Let it sit. Otherwise he is going to starting hurting you even more.

 

What I decided to do is not to contact my guy for 2 months. I am hoping that he will contact me before then, but I think he needs to go out and have fun, maybe even go on a few dates and then I think he will see what he has lost. And I also believe that he will be happy to hear from me and then who knows if things can get started again. I hope that I am strong enough to do this....

 

About your comic books...if you need them i would send an email, just stating that you need them and that you can pick them up or he can fed ex them to you. then it doesn't seem like you are just saying you need them just to see him instead. Keep it very business like.

[sweetione]

Dragon girl,

 

I am not really sure what you should say. Just keep it simple and to the point. You don't need to have it fed exed or anything but you want to give the impression that it is only about the comic books and nothing else. You know him best, maybe tell him a specific date that you need these by.

 

Stay strong girl!! And also hugs to you.