Singer

Thanks raider5, I am going to take your advice, at least as best I can!! Having a new job helps... Much less time to think than before. I have support in the meantime, from this board and also from my friends & family. My sister, who has known him for years, says exactly the same thing you do. DragonGirl724: Maybe I can offer a little help - and please, NO OFFENSE to the guys reading this!!!! - but you know, "guy time" is totally different from ours. You say it's been a month since he last said he was thinking about you... but in his mind, that was probably like, a week ago!! Guys are not detail-oriented and thereforeeee do not keep track of things (like time passing) like we do. Esp. when they are the busy type. Trying to remember this might help you feel a little better, it helps me sometimes.

What's going on Brandell, how are things going?

Wow, sounds a lot like my story (which you can read here... link removed ). Knew each other for 2 years, dated exclusively for 4 months, got along great, had a great time, he told me he loved me pretty much every day..... then after a few mos. he decides that he doesn't want to date anymore, and a few weeks later he's with his ex. That was mid- to late-April. Unlike in your case, they did live together (and probably do again now), but they hardly see each other because of work schedules. Also, he never treated me badly.... he was wonderful. I am totally in love with him. His ex is pretty much nuts. She has major issues, including trust issues. They have been on & off for a couple years. He has left her twice before, because they were arguing so much he couldn't stand it anymore. I also want to get myself back into his life at some point, but I'm not sure how. His work schedule is so wild, it would be almost impossible for me to "accidentally" run into him, and if I did manage it, chances are his ex-ex would be with him. We talk about once a week now, usually initiated by me. I am unable to give up completely. And my feeling is, since she is such a miserable b****, and I WAS happy with him, why should I just be like, " Uh, yeah, OK, you can have him...." You know?????

Your advice is right on, muneca. Thanks.

Is this a f-ing guy thing or what?? I don't know if you've seen my story on here, but it was the SAME THING. We knew each other for 2 years, got together at Thanksgiving, were together 4 months, very happy, seemed so compatible it was scary. We never argued or had a fight. Just loved being around each other. After a month (or less) he told me he was in love with me, and after a couple months he told his good friends that he thought this was it. He introduced me to his family. He told me he was so happy, he knew it was going to work out, blah, blah, BLAH. Then at the 4 month mark, after a couple weeks of acting kind of distant, he said he didn't feel "that way" about me anymore and he didn't know why. He said he felt "too comfortable" with each other. Funny, I thought comfort and security were GOOD things. I made some of the same mistakes as you, Azure13.... I did make some complaints about his work schedule and the quality time issue. He works in law enforcement, nights, and thereforeeee a lot of the time, the only time I would see him was between 1 and 2 AM, after he got home from work (because I work days). Then it seemed that just when I was getting used to his schedule, he dropped the bomb on me. It's been about 7 weeks now, and I still have days when it seems all I do is cry (like today ). I want him back so bad, he is everything I want in a guy.

One more thing... If you do find out sometime that she has started seeing someone else, please do not fall apart. Remember, until the other person is married, it is not the end. It is up to each of us how long we are willing to wait, but other than that it is not necessarily over until we give up and quit. Obviously you had chemistry once, thereforeeee it is possible that it could happen again even if she does make a few pit-stops along the way (or if you do, for that matter). Going on a date was not a stupid thing to do, for a couple reasons: 1) It reaffirms that you are still desirable to the opposite sex, which does wonders for one's mental well-being, and 2) It's a chance to hang out with someone, talk, and have fun -- to get your mind off the problems at hand. You do not have to be in love with someone to casually date them. A guy friend of mine, who is much younger than I and thereforeeee not a romantic possibility for me, took me to a wine club/restaurant a couple weeks ago for dinner. We had some great wine, great food, and I was feeling pretty good by the time we paid the bill and walked out. I had fun, even if it was only for a few hours, and it restored my spirit for a while. The point is not to sit home and get stinking drunk, Bridget Jones-style (although I have to admit I've succumbed to that more than once in the past 7 weeks). The point is to go out with friends, laugh, and have fun, even if you know the next day you'll be morose again. I'll tell you a little secret I use when I go out. I pretend that my ex is somewhere in the room, watching me from a distance. That keeps me smiling, dancing, and laughing it up, and before I know it I'm genuinely having a great time.

You want to go very slowly right now. If it were me, I would wait until Sunday night or maybe even Monday, then call her to confirm plans for the hockey game on Tuesday. Keep it short and sweet.

Thanks sweetieone! You bring up some good points. My sister, who knows him fairly well, says the same thing about his ex: that it will be only a matter of time before he realizes, yet AGAIN, what a crazy b**** she is. Also, a few of my friends have mentioned the competition aspect as you did -- letting him see me happy, and with another guy. That wouldn't be too tough to arrange since he has a side job at a club, but it might be a bit obvious there. He does have a couple other hangouts I could try to show up at, but that would be much harder to arrange because his work hours (for his day job) are irregular -- so I never know when he's going to be out. And here's a real funny thing, tell me what you make of this just for the heck of it: A week or two after we broke up, we were on the phone and having a conversation about a couple we know that have been bickering a lot lately. Apparently the husband is starting to take the wife for granted. So my ex says to me, 'What she needs to do is make him a little jealous -- nothing to get him too upset, just to put the fear of God into him.' A hint?? Or just coincidence?? Now, this was before he started seeing his ex again, so maybe that window has closed even if he was hinting to me. Just an interesting tidbit I thought I'd mention. Thanks so much for the advice!!

I don't know if I can help but I do know how you're feeling Brandell. Funny, I'm at the 7-week mark too and I have the same problem. I vow not to contact him, then after about a week (I can't make it for 2 yet ) I end up either calling or texting him. Yesterday I had some really good news on the job front and I just had to call him. We ended up talking for 25 min., and it was a nice talk, nothing about the relationship. I did a really good job at keeping it lighthearted. When he first broke up with me, he ended up calling me a week later to see if I wanted to go out with him & a few of his guy friends, whom I also know. At the time I didn't think I could handle talking to or seeing him so I ignored the message. 3 weeks later he was back seeing his ex. I cannot tell you the regret I feel at ignoring that one phone call. I think about it every day. I did it for a good reason, and even if I had gone out with them, it probably wouldn't have changed anything, but I still cannot get it out of my head. And even after our nice conversation yesterday, I have been crying all day today!!! I feel as if I'm going to go insane sometimes.

AB- Solutely. We all want to see things that may or may not be there, especially in the beginning. I know what you're saying, in a lot of ways the 3 different sections are all the same, they're all about moving on in one way or another. Also, you're right, this one is a lot more encouraging. There's a section in the Dale Carnegie book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, where the author relates a really interesting anecdote. He tells of a woman who had basically lost her mind after going through unthinkable tragedies (can't remember details, but several people close to her, incl. husband, had died w/in a short time). She had regular conversations with her husband and seemed to believe that he was still alive. But...her doctor has stopped trying to bring her back in touch with the reality that the man is never coming back. When asked why, he answers that she is so happy, he believes it is healthier for her. If she were reminded on a regular basis of what her reality really was, she would be absolutely devastated, emotionally and possibly physically. Am I suggesting we allow ourselves to lose touch and live in a dream world? NO WAY!!! What I am saying is, if hanging out in the Getting Back Together forum keeps me from being off the couch, with a wad of tissues in one hand and my cell phone in the other, sobbing, then so be it. When I go to the Breaking Up section, it gets so depressing I can't take it. For me it's not about getting promises that he'll come back and we'll live happily ever after. It's about trying to maximize my chances of him coming back, while also trying to get on with my life in the meantime.

Thanks for the advice. Like I said, he does have a track record of going back to girls for one more try. I've only been with him for one stint so far so I guess I've got at least one more coming to me . Some people question me as to why I would WANT another shot with him, and how do I know he wouldn't just keep bouncing back and forth. All I can tell them is, I made mistakes too. For example, we BOTH rushed things along a little too quickly. Within 3 weeks of dating he was staying over at least 4 nights a week, usually more. I would not let him do that again right away. I would go slower and enjoy the 'dating' phase longer. This time we were pretty much living together after only a couple months, or less -- so it seems obvious to me why the passion fizzled out. thereforeeee, my answer to the people who question me is, I just want a 2nd chance to do things the right way. We had no big issues or arguments, never had a fight. With him I felt so secure and safe, not like any other relationship I've been in. For all these reasons, I feel so strongly that I shouldn't give up. He's always had major problems with his now- 'ex-ex', but he made ME happy.... So why should I just step aside and be like, 'Oh OK, you can have him.' You know? I mean, why shouldn't I hang in there? Thoughts on this by any and all would be much appreciated!!

You are right, talking to her about your depression could scare her off, esp. because she is still in the ambivalent stage right now. That would be best saved for sometime way, way down the road. It is a good sign that she's wearing the ring. Just keep doing what you're doing. (And not doing )

I think just keep doing what you are doing & let things develop on their own. If you try to talk to her about it, she might get scared off. By her reactions it sounds like you are doing fine. Keep things casual & light, & happy. Judging by your descriptions of her recent actions, it sounds like she could working her way back.

OK, I see what you are saying, and on the one hand yes, I agree with you. But I feel it necessary to point out that this particular forum is about getting back together. If we were ready and willing at this point to give up, there is a forum called Breaking Up that is dedicated to getting over someone. Here in the Getting Back Together area, what people are looking for is advice about 1) the likelihood of reconciliation, and 2) specific techniques and actions for increasing the chances of reconciliation. [Notice the part in bold -- I am not saying "making someone come back." I think most of us here know we cannot make our ex do anything.] Also, the people in this area are also looking for support while they do their best to carry out their planned course of action. For example, if a 'no contact' period is warranted, lots of moral support is sometimes needed to keep it going. And, ironically, carrying out our individual 'plans' also does help us to move on in the long run, whichever way things turn out. Does that make sense?

I know what you mean by it doesn't seem he misses you or anything. In my case, my ex is seeing someone else so he probably really doesn't miss me. But you also have to remember, people often feel things that they are not yet aware of. I don't want to give you false hope, but at the same time sometimes there IS a delay in reaction. You never know. But in the meantime you have to do what is right for you. If it causes you too much pain to talk to him or see him, then don't do it. As for the messaging issue, I had a 3-year relationship with a guy who did things like this. (Not my recent ex, actually someone before him.) He is playing a game by not replying to your IM. You weren't there to respond right away, thereforeeee HE is going to make YOU wait. That's OK!!! He will reply, I think it's only a matter of time. Otherwise he would not have mentioned finding your things in the first place. He brought it up to use it as a sort of 'bargaining chip' to get a reaction out of you. Let him play his game, it will make him all the more shocked when he sees that it hasn't had an effect on you. (We know that it is having an effect on you, but it's up to you to make sure he doesn't know that! ) The cooler and more polite (but still smiling & happy) you are when you DO see him, the more shocked he'll be, believe me. Be strong & hang in there.