NightLily Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 I made a thread quite a long time ago about my youngest sister's migraines. Then, when I was driving her today, she suddenly comes out of nowhere saying now they "know" what causes them. Asks me: Did (my brother) ever do anything that wasn't brotherly to you? She is suddenly claiming that when she was five or six my brother made her "do things" when she walked into his room for some reason. As in sexual things. But she didn't state any specifics. She also said she has had a sudden fear of spiders which my mom and her therapist claim are related to sexual assault or something Oo. ... Also, that these memories were "repressed" and she has remembered them three times recently. I looked after her when she was younger when my parents were not around. She was about 7-10 at that time and is currently 16. A majority of that time she was outgoing, happy.. then later, after I left for college became extremely anxiety ridden. Having "panick attacks" all the time (which to me honestly look more like tantrums). My brother is two years older than me.. and I really just can't imagine him doing this.. I'm pretty confused. I'm also trying to rack my brain because at that time I think he may have been living in the basement where there are no locked doors. But I don't remember exactly. She has serious anxiety and tends to start screaming at the drop of a pin. The absolute opposite of myself. Part of me wants to tell her like: "You better not be making this crap up." Part of me doesn't know what to say. But I feel it might be a way of "explaining" how she is so emotionally a wreck without having had much happen to her in her life other than these migraines. I don't know. I'm worried she is making it up. And then I am worried my brother did horrible things to her. But I just can't imagine that. What am I supposed to do? Just say nothing? Btw, she has already told my mom about it recently so.. yeah.. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 Comfort her without being judgemental to either her or your brother since you do not know what happened. Denying her claims at this point could be VERY damaging if they are true. I do not think people have anxiety and "tantrums" for no reason though. Link to comment
NightLily Posted December 31, 2009 Author Share Posted December 31, 2009 Comfort her without being judgemental to either her or your brother since you do not know what happened. Denying her claims at this point could be VERY damaging if they are true. I do not think people have anxiety and "tantrums" for no reason though. I don't want to just outright deny her claims and have not expressed anything to her. What baffles me is that her therapist is pushing that her fear of spiders means there was sexual assault. Has anybody ever heard of this before? It sounds like complete hog wash to me. And, I don't know if I really understand this whole.. not remembering anything for 10 years and then suddenly remembering thing. She was a very happy kid until just two years ago. I know she has a reason to act out. She is extremely bossy and screams at people without ever being disciplined. She screams at her friends and loses them. So, she has zero friends. She has migraines which keep her from school so she is home schooled. But I really just don't understand what is up. One day she is saying I am the root of her problems and then it is dad and now it is my brother. He hasn't been around for the past six years and she always had been very affectionate to him. I don't think my brother even knows what he is being accused of. Doesn't he have a right to know? Link to comment
Kaiser_Soze Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 Thats a tough one. I have 5 younger sisters and two of them at some point had claimed they were sexually assaulted. The older one was at a party and said she was taken advantage of by 5 guys. She later confessed that she slept with them willingly to be initiated in their set (gang). The other sister blamed my dad's ex gf's son of forcing her to go down on him. That one was tricky. The boys sister was also my sisters best friend and said my sister was the one who wanted to. They were a couple of years apart. My dad still had it investigated to show support of her and bring the truth to light. No charges were ever filed. I guess the investigators didn't have enough to go on. I think Victoria is right, you have to be supportive for her without convicting your brother until more answers are available. How are they with one another now? Link to comment
NightLily Posted December 31, 2009 Author Share Posted December 31, 2009 He was over here for a few days after Christmas. I have never seen any bickering between them at all. She was hugging him and happy he was here. I have never even for a second had a sense she was uncomfortable around him. And how could she walk into his room for some reason as she said.. at the age of 5.. when he was living in the basement? It was unfinished, no walls, no locks, my sisters went down there all the time because the computers were there. I guess I'm just trying to wrap my mind around this. My brother has also been about the least sexual guy I know besides watching hentai when he was 18. He is also the only guy in her life besides my dad. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 Memories can be erased forever Susie. I have no memory but ONE of 2 years of therapy for sexual assult as a child. I went every day for 2 years solid and I have ONE memory of the therapy. I remember some of what happened to me and not others. My memory time lines for when I was young are a mess. Sometimes they do not make sense. My mother still has to make sense for me of what happened when. Abuse does NASTY things to the brain. I am not saying she was or was not, but I can tell you it alters the brain forever. Acting out from abuse can happen years and years after it happens as well. I still have PTSD that is more than 30 years old and I still have situations that can take me instanteously back to other moments. For instance, if I am touched from behind even in an innocent way I find myself INTENSELY angry. I have no reason why because I have no memory WHY. I just am. I think this is best left to therapists and psychiatrists. Give her all the support you can if it is true. Link to comment
NightLily Posted December 31, 2009 Author Share Posted December 31, 2009 She is extremely impressionable though and I am worried the therapist is pushing that her fear of spiders means she was sexually abused ... Oo... I can't imagine my brother has any idea what he is being accussed of. He was here for three days without any arguments, no discussion, and I was around him most of that time. He was never off alone talking to anybody. Link to comment
NightLily Posted December 31, 2009 Author Share Posted December 31, 2009 Also, should I talk to my mom about it or just pretend I don't know....? Oo Link to comment
Seraphim Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 She is extremely impressionable though and I am worried the therapist is pushing that her fear of spiders means she was sexually abused ... Oo... I can't imagine my brother has any idea what he is being accussed of. He was here for three days without any arguments, no discussion, and I was around him most of that time. He was never off alone talking to anybody. Why would a therapist want to do that or have reason to do that though? That makes no sense. Unless you have come accross fruitloops therapist who gets their kicks this way and I do not think there are many of those. Remember too people are most often assaulted by family and or people they know well. What does a sexual abuser look like? Sometimes he is the kid next door, an uncle, a grandpa, the church leader. People NO ONE would suspect in a billion years. Now I am not saying your brother did anything, but use intellect and not emotion in this situation. That is why families are not the best judge of what did or did not happen because they are in no way objective. Link to comment
DN Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 It is important that while she should not be condemned or pressured that she realises that if her allegations are untrue the only victim here will be your brother - so it is as important that his rights and well-being are considered as much as hers. If her allegatations are true it will affect her life for ever in some way - if they are untrue it will affect his for ever. It would be an equal error to assume that she is telling the truth or telling a lie. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 It is important that while she should not be condemned or pressured that she realises that if her allegations are untrue the only victim here will be your brother - so it is as important that his rights and well-being are considered as much as hers. If her allegatations are true it will affect her life for ever in some way - if they are untrue it will affect his for ever. It would be an equal error to assume that she is telling the truth or telling a lie. Yes, either way it will blow your family out of the water. Either your brother will be harmed or she will be. If it is true your brother would have to pursue who did that to him as well. People almost never just do that on their own. It is cause they themself were abused. Link to comment
NightLily Posted January 1, 2010 Author Share Posted January 1, 2010 Why would a therapist want to do that or have reason to do that though? That makes no sense. Unless you have come accross fruitloops therapist who gets their kicks this way and I do not think there are many of those. Remember too people are most often assaulted by family and or people they know well. What does a sexual abuser look like? Sometimes he is the kid next door, an uncle, a grandpa, the church leader. People NO ONE would suspect in a billion years. Now I am not saying your brother did anything, but use intellect and not emotion in this situation. That is why families are not the best judge of what did or did not happen because they are in no way objective. My intellect seriously says that my sister is off her rocker though. Of all of my family, my brother is the only one who has been pretty level headed. Forgetful and lazy sure.. but he never acted out in any way what so ever. I think if a therapist is saying that fear of spiders is connected to sexual assault being repressed there must be something wrong with this lady. Claire on the other hand for the past few years literally throws tantrums and starts screaming histerically at people. My dad has had to intervene to calm her down many times. Once some little boys came to ask to play hide and seek with her who were a few years younger and she started screaming at them. I think I am the only person who says anything to her about this being wrong. It just reminds me a little bit of the Salem Witch Trials or something.. I really can't say what did or did not happen. But something just feels wrong. Like.. my brother having no idea. I have no clue how my parents are handling it or if they even are. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 Just tread carefully. I wish you luck and love in all this though. Link to comment
Lamour detruit Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 Also, should I talk to my mom about it or just pretend I don't know....? Oo I reckon you should talk to your mom. Your sister told you as well, and it is best to give a heads up that you know, and kind of get a hint of what she thinks about it all. My first instinct is..don´t do anything yet. Try and talk to your mom about it, and form an opinion about what she thinks about it all. Also, take some time, to see what the best way of handling this would be. No one should be accused yet, but it is good to be supportive of your little sister, while at the same time being reserved in terms of blaming your brother. It could be either way, really. She is very impressionable, so it is entirely possible she just went with it when the spiders were mentioned as a repressive thought. Also, the fact that she needs alot of attention could have to do with it as well.However, the best thing to do is just hold back, listen to the stories of all, and see how it goes. You might know the both of them, best out of anyone, and so it is important to protect them both until people know for sure what it is going on. Link to comment
DN Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 link removed Around 50% of women and 10% of men have mild arachnophobia or worse. Most people with arachnophobia fear the presence and sight of spiders. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 link removed Hm funny I do not. I love spiders,no creepy crawlies bother me. But yes many people who have not been abused fear spiders. Link to comment
NightLily Posted January 1, 2010 Author Share Posted January 1, 2010 I do agree with DN that she needs to understand the severity of her claims and that she could really actually create serious negative effects on my brother's life if she is making this up or entertaining false memories. I have known many people who made up horrific stories (such as their parents both being dead.. when they are not). But either my brother or my sister is or has done something seriously wrong so it is a lose lose situation. But, I can't even think of how to do that. I think it is probably impossible for me to communicate that because knowing her temperment, she will just start screaming bloody murder regardless of how calm I am. So.. perhaps I should talk to my mom. For one, I feel way too awkward knowing this and doing absolutely nothing. Link to comment
NightLily Posted January 1, 2010 Author Share Posted January 1, 2010 Well just a brief update. I just brought it up with my mom in private. She said my sister just told her about it two days ago (she told me she told her awhile ago). I suppose anything is possible. But because my parents just found out as well this is all very green. My mom said she is going to talk to the therapist. Personally, I wish I could be there as well just to make sure this lady isn't crazy. I'm trying to keep in mind that if my brother did do anything he was only 13 at the time. Don't really know what to think though. He definitely never did anything sexual towards me and I doubt my other sister as well. I guess I'll have to wait and see how this plays out. I am slightly bothered by my sister just remembering 4 months ago after coming off of medications for the migraines that also deal with mood disorders and wondering if that could be effecting her. This is just extremely awkward. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 You do not trust your mom to know if a therapist is good or not? Careful in taking on a parent role here. Link to comment
NightLily Posted January 1, 2010 Author Share Posted January 1, 2010 You do not trust your mom to know if a therapist is good or not? Careful in taking on a parent role here. No. I don't trust my mom to know. My parents forced me to take a "parent role" when I was 13, my dad moved accross country, and my mom would leave for sometimes two weeks at a time and was busy having a midlife crisis with 20 something year olds. So, I feel a higher degree of responsibilty here as my youngest sister used to literally call me mom. I didn't live with my both parents again until shortly before I left for college. My mom believes in many weird supernatural or strange things. I really don't see the spider connection at all. It is irrational. Link to comment
NightLily Posted January 1, 2010 Author Share Posted January 1, 2010 Sorry if I sound snippy victoria I'm just a bit confused and disturbed. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 This may be but your parents are her legal guardian yes? The therapist may not listen to you. I know you really want to help and your parents over parentified you, the same thing happened to me, but you have to let go. She is their daughter and they are responsible. I know how you feel though. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 Sorry if I sound snippy victoria I'm just a bit confused and disturbed. I understand, It is ok. Link to comment
NightLily Posted January 1, 2010 Author Share Posted January 1, 2010 This may be but your parents are her legal guardian yes? The therapist may not listen to you. I know you really want to help and your parents over parentified you, the same thing happened to me, but you have to let go. She is their daughter and they are responsible. I know how you feel though. Yes, I think for the time being I will take a passive role and just get updates from my mom on what is going on. Because I just don't see any good way of handling this through my sister right now. My mom was concerned my brother had raped me or something though which most definitely never ever happened. So it is good I brought this up with her. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 Yes, I think for the time being I will take a passive role and just get updates from my mom on what is going on. Because I just don't see any good way of handling this through my sister right now. My mom was concerned my brother had raped me or something though which most definitely never ever happened. So it is good I brought this up with her. I think they need to be careful to in making accusations before anyone knows what is what. I do feel for you and your family though. I know your pain and I am sorry. It is not an easy road that is for sure. It is an opportunity to grow closer and gain in caring and empathy for each other and situations though. Use it to love and care more for each other. It will be hard no matter what the truth is. You have my prayers and thoughts for you and your family. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.