sweet_kisses Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 I'm one of those people who believes in positive energy...so I feel like if I think positively about this and put out positive energy then good things will happen. If I think he's never coming back then I'm just asking for a self fulfilling prophecy in the worst way. I know it's cheesey but there's this jewelry commercial with Jane Seymour where she says you have to keep your heart open for love to come in...that's kinda how I see it I'm leaving my heart open for him. I'm not sitting around hoping and waiting but I have faith that it can happen and I'm leaving my heart open just in case (not that it's closed to other experiences). Very nicely put. Along the same lines..sometimes you get what you need not what you want. I know in the case of my ex, before I met him I was very bitter with guys and didn't want to date anyone. Then I met him and I wasn't interested in him romatically at all. But he was so wonderful.. but I didn't want to give him a chance until someone told me "he might not be what you want, but I think he's what you need". He ended up being both at at the end. He really saved me in many ways. So sometimes things are forced down your throat almost, and not in the way you wanted or expected. But as long as you are positive and open, they work out for the best. Link to comment
LoveSoDeep Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 Very nicely put. Along the same lines..sometimes you get what you need not what you want. I know in the case of my ex, before I met him I was very bitter with guys and didn't want to date anyone. Then I met him and I wasn't interested in him romatically at all. But he was so wonderful.. but I didn't want to give him a chance until someone told me "he might not be what you want, but I think he's what you need". He ended up being both at at the end. He really saved me in many ways. So sometimes things are forced down your throat almost, and not in the way you wanted or expected. But as long as you are positive and open, they work out for the best. Thank you! I like your way of seeing it too. No matter what happens by being open and thinking positive I do believe that even if what is more what I need than what I think I want...then it's still a good outcome Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 No offense, but if someone left you, why would you want him/her back? If someone doesn't want you, then it's pretty clear you need to move on and find someone who does. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 No offense, but if someone left you, why would you want him/her back? If someone doesn't want you, then it's pretty clear you need to move on and find someone who does. Yeah, why ever bother having a "Getting Back Together" forum at all? To the Op's question... yes - and she did. Link to comment
curiocity Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 No offense, but if someone left you, why would you want him/her back? If someone doesn't want you, then it's pretty clear you need to move on and find someone who does. Hahahahaha....if it were that simple, this forum wouldnt exist. 90% come here to be with someone who dont wanna be with them anymore. Story of my life. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted December 7, 2009 Author Share Posted December 7, 2009 Maybe people shouldnt think about whether or not their ex will come back. But the fact is that most of us do. The thought crosses my mind a lot and I know that I'm not alone. That's why we have the Getting Back Together forum. I think it's good to talk about these things because it shows us that we're not alone and it helps to know that other people are facing similar issues. We're not crazy. We're not wrong for feeling a certain way. We're just human. Link to comment
WomanWriter Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 No. I mean, I pray that there will be way and I believe anything is possible. But just by human standards and the way things are right now, no. He obviously doesn't love me. I don't know how it stopped after 7 years together, but I guess he just got sick of me, which sucks. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 I'm not trying to berate anyone here. I have Asperger's Syndrome and to me, it just seems pointless to expend energy on someone who clearly wants no part of you. You know? Link to comment
Hopeless1234 Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 Seriously guys.. don't think about whether they will come back or not. That defeats the whole point of NC which is about YOU. Set some goals for yourself and the end of the 30 days, decide what you want to do and think about getting them back. Think about how you can make yourself better to increase the chances of them coming back. i keep referring to this clip when i start to think again that i could do something to get my ex back. it sucks, but there really is nothing that i nor any other dumpee could do to really get their ex(s) back. initially when i decided to go into NC and begin "improving" myself, i began with the belief/fantasy that if i really became this "better" person, my ex would HAVE to take me back. however, i'm realizing that no matter how successful i become in life and no matter how much i improve as a person, there is no guarantee that the ex will come back. the sooner i fully realize and accept that i need to "improve" myself for me and me alone, i know that my life will become that much better. unfortunately, i'm still not there yet. i still have these lingering ideas that if i can graduate from my PhD program and get a real job and make real money and have a bit more stability in life/career, she'll come rushing back into my life (as my lack of "drive/ambition" in graduating and finding that stability was one of issues in breaking up). however, i know that i need to stop thinking like this. besides, i don't know about everyone else, but if i get to a point in life where i've really "improved/bettered" myself, why would i even want to be with my ex? i'd want to be with someone who is smarter/funnier/prettier/sexier/etc. (not that my ex wasn't smart/funny/pretty/sexy/etc. because she was or why else would i be so devastated over this break-up) and most importantly, i'd want to be with someone who doesn't think that i'm not good enough for her. i guess until i get to that point in my life, i just gotta keep watching that above clip and try to live life for myself and no one else. Link to comment
LoveSoDeep Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 No offense, but if someone left you, why would you want him/her back? If someone doesn't want you, then it's pretty clear you need to move on and find someone who does. It's not always this black and white. My ex left me and it was just as hard on him (if not worse) than it was on me. I don't think it meant at all that he didn't want me... just that he thought we shouldn't be together at that time. If he said "I don't love you" and "I don't want to be with you" then maybe that would be different. But I don't think I'm the only one here who's ex told them they still loved them in the same conversation as the break-up. There's always a grey area. Link to comment
doiiiieeezie Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 I'm not trying to berate anyone here. I have Asperger's Syndrome and to me, it just seems pointless to expend energy on someone who clearly wants no part of you. You know? I understand, and I would say that a lot of the cases here do apply to that situation. However, everyone makes mistakes, they do work through issues and some of the long staying relationships have had some kind of break period. With that being said, you can't really make someone see that a lot of the breakups are a blessing in disguise ( I know my ex-ex breakup was)... they have to see it on their own. In terms of the 30 day challenge... eh... you're gonna be sad either way. At the end of those 30 days, I still wanted my ex back... at the beginning of 6 months, I still want to work it out with him. The difference is that I am more equipped to deal with it now than I was then. Don't put time limits on your healing... allow yourself to take it day by day. Link to comment
Hopeless1234 Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 Internet dating services can hook you up with a stream of people that you go out with for 1-2 dates with no emotional attachment. unless no one (even the not so attractive girls) responds to your e-mail requests. either my anger/bitterness/depression from this break-up is subconsciously coming through in my profile and/or e-mails or my "mommy" has been lying to me the past 30 years of my life telling me that i'm good looking. Link to comment
rapunzel Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 No, at this point I honestly believe that he won't come back. Occasionally I like to indulge in fantasies that if quit the group we're in together and was No Contact, he would eventually contact me. But I realize they are just fantasies, not reality. Link to comment
TheLionKing Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 Somedays I am 100% convinced that my ex is going to realize that he made a mistake and come back. Other days I am 100% convinced that I will never see him again. I know that there is no point in thinking this way really, because any little thing that happens in his life may have an effect the outcome. There is no way to know what might go on to make him change his mind one way or the other, either today or months from now. Right now I am in the mindset that he will come back to me though. Yeah Milkandhoney, I know exactly what you mean. I fluctuate between being 100% that she'll be back to maybe 90% that she won't. For me, I think it reflects how I'm feeling about myself generally at the time - when things are going well for me and I feel good about myself I sometimes "know" she'll be back, ie 100%. When I feel maybe a bit insecure and not feeling so good about myself the 90% not coming back kicks in (the remaining 10% could be denial still!!). Link to comment
Hopeless1234 Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 Yeah Milkandhoney, I know exactly what you mean. I fluctuate between being 100% that she'll be back to maybe 90% that she won't. For me, I think it reflects how I'm feeling about myself generally at the time - when things are going well for me and I feel good about myself I sometimes "know" she'll be back, ie 100%. When I feel maybe a bit insecure and not feeling so good about myself the 90% not coming back kicks in (the remaining 10% could be denial still!!). that's actually interesting as i'm the complete opposite. when i'm feeling good about myself, i tell myself that she's not coming back and i don't need her. it's those days when i'm down or upset that i try to believe that she's coming back and i can have my old life back. Link to comment
TheLionKing Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 that's actually interesting as i'm the complete opposite. when i'm feeling good about myself, i tell myself that she's not coming back and i don't need her. it's those days when i'm down or upset that i try to believe that she's coming back and i can have my old life back. Not really opposite - when I'm feeling good I KNOW I dont need her - almost because of that I think she'll be back (just to piss on my parade! Lol). When I'm down and not valuing myself I "KNOW" she won't be back, because I am not liking myself at that time. But also at that those times I too WISH for her back - not my old life back though. Hope that made sense???????????????? Link to comment
dumped Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 I kinda find it strange that as a whole...the group of us on ENA here seem to go thru similar mindsets at similar times. I have been asking myself these same questions today without having logged in here. Maybe it has something to do with the universe, astrology, or something. But there seems to definitely be some type of consistency amongst the "group" thinking. This is not the first I have noticed this. Link to comment
moondog627 Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 No offense, but if someone left you, why would you want him/her back? If someone doesn't want you, then it's pretty clear you need to move on and find someone who does. Like others have noted, this mindset should apply in most breakups. But it can be more complicated than someone just not wanting to be with you. In my case, after our problems were brought to light my ex actually wanted things to work out but the pressure she inflicted upon herself to make things work wound up stifling our repairs. She even said that I'm the perfect boyfriend for her (even her best boyfriend) but unfortunately the feelings weren't coming back (thanks to the self-pressure). So, in past cases where my exes didn't want to be with me, yes, I had the total move-on mindset. And even now with the current ex, I have a very direct, move-on mindset. But in the past, if an ex wanted to reconcile with me it was a clear cut NO. I'm not gonna say that I would so easily be willing to reconcile with my current ex but I don't know what would happen. It could go either way really. But that's purely hypothetical. I think the important thing, no matter if ones intentions is to get back together with an ex or not, is to live in the moment. Accept life for what it is now. If you're broken up, deal with that and don't worry about the future. Life has been so much easier for me since I stopped dwelling on the past and looking to the future. Link to comment
doiiiieeezie Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 I've noticed the typical do not go back to your ex, NC NC NC pattern as of late. It is a group think pattern, and it will pass. The question that the OP presented is valuable though since many have asked that question to themselves and to their peers. Link to comment
jbrooklyn Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 I used to believe that he would get over it and come back. But the more time passes I realise that he won't. I have been in LC for past 6wks and he hasn't changed his mind, he is standing strong. Wow...that is something to think about. Link to comment
jbrooklyn Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 i agree with you. I do something special every single day to help me get back on my feet. I just started doing it and it feels great. Today, I went to the gym and brought a christmas tree and brought a gift for a kid for christmas Tomorrow I willl make my christmas list. Wednesday, I am going to buy a Im Worth it bracelet to remind myself daily that I am worth a healthy relationship..a healthy lunch, a good workout. I am doing to do something everyday for a while ON PURPOSE until I start feeling like JBrooklyn again!! Link to comment
Kain27 Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 I used to believe she would come back. Now though i don't care anymore so if it happens, it happens. In fact i likely won't be very happy if it does happen. Link to comment
Ac143 Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 I haven't read any of the posts, but from my past experience everytime I thought an ex would come back OR when I didn't care either way...they always did come back. It was when I was negative and down is when an ex didn't come back. Link to comment
newinvention Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 My guess is that if she hasn't come back after 6 weeks, she never will. Had one come back after a year of total NC, but this one seems different. She's way too goofy - two weeks before the breakup she couldn't live without me. Since the breakup - completely flat-lined... I hope she comes back in a year and cries her heart out to me so I get the chance to spit on her Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted December 8, 2009 Author Share Posted December 8, 2009 I kinda find it strange that as a whole...the group of us on ENA here seem to go thru similar mindsets at similar times. I have been asking myself these same questions today without having logged in here. Maybe it has something to do with the universe, astrology, or something. But there seems to definitely be some type of consistency amongst the "group" thinking. This is not the first I have noticed this. are you referring to the question i asked in the original post? that's really interesting. i dont think ive been here long enough to notice those kinds of trends and posting. Link to comment
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