Closure Letter: Please help not send this.

[Nappyloxs]

Okay, for some reason I felt strong this morning. So I wrote a closure letter. I am on day 12 of NC. I want to send this letter and I don't. I am confused. I want to send the letter because 1) I want closure. Our problem was communication and I think by sending this letter I am being the better person and communicating my feeling/closure to her. 2) Subconsciously, I know it's because I am hoping to illicit a response which is not going to happen. But at least it may make her think about me even if its hateful thoughts. I don't want to send it because 1) I don't want to break NC and 2) I don't want to let go. Writing the letter just made me realize that I don't want to let go of her. Even though I know there is zero chance of reconciliation.

 

FYI. We broke up in the end of August and she has not spoken to me since then. It was a bad argument that lead to the breakup. Of course, there was more behind it than the argument. There was no closure. I have attempted contact too many times in too many ways. My heart will just not let her go. I really love this girl despite all the problems with her, me and the relationship, I still hope for reconciliation. HUH. I am so disappointed in myself for so many reasons.

[Nappyloxs]

Here is the letter:

 

Dear G:

 

I know I am writing you again. It’s been 12 days since I last wrote/texted you. This is my last letter. It’s a closure letter.

 

After more than two months of not speaking with you, I had to find my own answers and closure. As I have said before I am kind of thankful for this breakup. I learned a lot about myself and the relationship. I am not going to explain everything I learned, I basically did that already. As much as I wish it was just a break and not a breakup, I want to put closure to this relationship.

 

Our #1 problem was communication. We just did not communicate well. It wasn’t just you and it wasn’t just me. It was both of us.

 

#2, I lost a part of you when you read that email to S. As I said, before I did not communicate to you how much I really did love you during the relationship and attempted, in crazy ways, to tell you after we broke up.

 

#3 – 1000, I will skip.

 

I have come to realize and accept many of my flaws in the relationship. I should have been a bigger and smarter person. I was just stuck in a rut (as was our relationship). I am sorry for that.

 

This breakup has really devastated me. I love you, even to this day. You were my best friend. You were my dream girl. You were really everything to me. I lost all that. Because of how much you meant to me, it will take some time to completely heal and I understand and accept everything. I will always love you. I have come to accept that. It is just the way I am. You will have a special place in my heart.

 

I often think about us reuniting. I know it’s not going to happen. But I still think about it. I believe that our relationship would be stronger and better because of this experience. Just by me realizing how much I really love you and actually being able to communicate that to you would make our relationship stronger and better. As much as I want to sit here and try to “win you back,” nothing I could say or do would “win you back.” You wouldn’t believe me and you simply don’t care. The only way is if you want to come back. I often think that you will comeback because either you miss me or miss the relationship. Honestly, it is not going to happen. You hate me and you just don’t love me anymore. The last three months have made that clear. Plus, I have come to realize and accept that there are many more reasons why you will never comeback. I really don’t blame you. If I was in your shoes, I probably wouldn’t comeback either. I have started to accept that you’re gone forever.

 

There is so much more I could say, but I am not. I have thought so much about your point of view, mine, and the relationship. I have come to understand and accept so many things that are both right, wrong, and in the middle. In the end, all my answers lead to the same conclusions, and that is that you are gone forever and that I will always love you.

 

It’s funny. People tell me I should hate you or at least be over you by now or that you weren’t the right one. But I’m not and it’s not because I want you because you’re gone. It’s because I really love you, G. You are an amazing woman and I just love you for who you are. Honestly, I also don’t believe that if you truly love someone, you just “get over them.”

 

In the end, I love you G and always will. I searched and found so many answers to why we broke up and why you left. Some are right, some are wrong, some are in the middle. No matter, how much my heart wants you back; it has accepted that you are gone forever. I will always have a great memory of you and of us. Like I have said before, I believe that we had something truly special and rare. Although it is over, I am thankful for having it for 2 and half years. I’m truly sorry I did not realize and communicate this to you while we were together.

 

So for the last time, I love you. I am not going to contact you anymore. I understand that you have a new life without me that you enjoy and that I just have to let you go.

[Scorpion Fury]

don't send it. just post here instead when you want to vent.

[lonesomeloser]

Don't do it!! (Not that I'm one to talk, I can't go more than 5 days NC)....

But, really, don't send it. Leave it right here.

[jimmajam]

Don't send it. We've all sent letters and it seems like this isn't your first. My email got ignored and I've heard of others getting nasty responses. I don't think any long letters work after a breakup. A letter might work in a year or two where at the very least they will be happy to hear from you.

 

I do suggest you get closure though. I got mine Sunday and I feel so much better today. I feel like I lost the last (almost) 3 months of my life and now it's time to get back to business. There is no way in hell she can ever say I didn't try and save our relationship. If she ever comes back she's going to have to work for it. If she doesn't we are completely done as far as I'm concerned as of yesterday.

 

I actually suggest you do get closure. Send a SHORT email, text or make a short phone call depending on your situation. It doesn't mean it's over, it means you've accepted it and come to terms with it. Maybe you've already said all you need to say, in that case just keep living your life and doing little or no contact.

[Ashsun87]

As long as you don't expect anything to change, and you can handle either:

 

1) No response.

2) A very short, cold response.

3) An angry or uncaring response.

 

Go for it. Personally every time I've sent a "closure" letter, it was because I was missing them and I didn't want them to forget I existed. You really need to make sure that your intentions are in the right place.

 

Otherwise, NC is better in pretty much every sense. Move on my friend, regardless of sending this or not. Good luck.

[jimmajam]

As long as you don't expect anything to change, and you can handle either:

 

1) No response.

2) A very short, cold response.

3) An angry or uncaring response.

 

Go for it. Personally every time I've sent a "closure" letter, it was because I was missing them and I didn't want them to forget I existed. You really need to make sure that your intentions are in the right place.

 

Otherwise, NC is better in pretty much every sense. Move on my friend, regardless of sending this or not. Good luck.

 

I agree, but even if your intentions are in the right, the ex very well can try and turn it. My ex tried to turn it on me replying to a text like I was STILL being needy/clingy after barely talking to her for 3 months. Get real. I turned it back and just told her that it was important to me to say what I did because I am now moving on. I say don't say it stricly unless you are doing it for the right reason, closure. If you are truly doing it for closure you'll be able to handle the things listed by Ash.

[doiiiieeezie]

Post it on a blog instead, I think many of us want that closure that we didn't get from the breakup instead of working on ourselves. If she hasn't talked to you since then and it ended through a fight, then she may need time to cool down. Sending this letter will just make her feel like she made the right decision when simply all of this could be avoided.

 

As a friend told me in August: When I'm upset, I just need to be left alone and NOT think about it. Any attempts by that other person are futile until I am ready to talk.

 

One day, she will be ready to.

[petnames]

Cut out the stuff about her hating u. Replace it with I can't control how you feel. Maybe shorten it. Otherwise, I say go for it. The hate stuff is gonna seem like a guilt trip tho

[jettison]

No, no, no. Please don't send that. Please, please don't. Whatever you're interested in achieving by this, you will most assuredly achieve the opposite. Your best look for your ex is the "I have moved on" look. The look you present here is the "I can't move on" look.

 

It is NEVER about you not loving your ex enough when you were in the relationship. It simply isn't. That's a myth. Don't beat yourself up anymore over that and try to convince yourself that you didn't love enough. Nonsense. You loved. She loved. The love ended. That is simply the reality. On your part, the love has also ended. It is replaced by a need to recapture your ego. Don't think that's true?

 

If I could introduce you to a woman that fit your absolute ideal based on looks, who shared your sense of humor to a T, who understood you and was patient, and who just had that "it" factor that made you sigh and smile all day long, you would no longer feel compelled to throw around the "I love you's" when talking about the ex. You just wouldn't. She would be replaced in your heart and mind. You may not believe me now, but if I could perform that magic for you somehow, you'd know I was right.

 

You "love" your ex because there is no one yet on the replacement scene. The world is filled with 100s of millions of compelling, emotional, beautiful, amazing people, all tending to their hectic lives. All are worthy of love. Many are even worthy of your particular love and vice versa. We are all replaceable in that sense. That doesn't make us "less than" somehow. It actually makes us "more than". We are part of this whole, each one of us lovable and worthy.

 

When the door that was that love closes completely, you are finally allowing a new door to open. Accept the closing of the old door, and that new door can open, but not a minute before that time.

[Nappyloxs]

I agree, but even if your intentions are in the right, the ex very well can try and turn it. My ex tried to turn it on me replying to a text like I was STILL being needy/clingy after barely talking to her for 3 months. Get real. I turned it back and just told her that it was important to me to say what I did because I am now moving on. I say don't say it stricly unless you are doing it for the right reason, closure. If you are truly doing it for closure you'll be able to handle the things listed by Ash.

 

My ex. will flip it and say something like I am writing because Its all about me." and not her.

 

As long as you don't expect anything to change, and you can handle either:

 

1) No response.

2) A very short, cold response.

3) An angry or uncaring response.

 

Go for it. Personally every time I've sent a "closure" letter, it was because I was missing them and I didn't want them to forget I existed. You really need to make sure that your intentions are in the right place.

 

Otherwise, NC is better in pretty much every sense. Move on my friend, regardless of sending this or not. Good luck.

 

I don't expect a response. In truth, I know it will push her away more. Its just how she is. She probably just wants me to leave her the hell alone. She hates me and not because of anything I did, but because I think she is using it as a mechanism to get over me.

 

My intentions at first were to put closure. Then I started writing it and I got confused. I need to find closure, but the letter isn't it. I wanted to write the letter because our problems was communication and I wanted to communicate what I believe is closure. Instead of just NC. She has had NC since the breakup. I personally think it was immature. She should have communicated the problems with me, but she never did. We could have had a closure conversation, but she refused. I don't want to stoop to her level and just I'm never going to speak to her again.

[Nappyloxs]

Post it on a blog instead, I think many of us want that closure that we didn't get from the breakup instead of working on ourselves. If she hasn't talked to you since then and it ended through a fight, then she may need time to cool down. Sending this letter will just make her feel like she made the right decision when simply all of this could be avoided.

 

As a friend told me in August: When I'm upset, I just need to be left alone and NOT think about it. Any attempts by that other person are futile until I am ready to talk.

 

One day, she will be ready to.

 

Thanks. I know that all attempts are futile. That's what is confusing me. I agree that that it will only happen when she is ready. I wrote the letter original for closure. But sending it will piss her off and will make her think of me even if its bad thoughts. As I started writing the letter, I started thinking of that, I don't want her to forget about me and then that may be the subconscious reason for writing.

[Nappyloxs]

Cut out the stuff about her hating u. Replace it with I can't control how you feel. Maybe shorten it. Otherwise, I say go for it. The hate stuff is gonna seem like a guilt trip tho

 

Thanks will do.

[Brownstone322]

Do not do it. Twelve days is nothing, and you're not ready ready for "closure" anyway.

 

Put the letter away, and look at it again in, say, 12 weeks. I think you'll be glad you didn't send it.

[supercalifragilistic]

I wouldn't do it. I would wait at least until you reach 30 days of NC. You might find that by then you don't want to send it anymore or that you would write something completely different.

 

I have a thing with letters and e-mails and stuff like this, once you give it to the other person, you cannot take it back. You might regret what you said and then it's too late, it's always there for them to read and do whatever they wish with it. I would think long and hard before sending this and about what you wrote. I think saying something wrong or inappropriate is much worse than say nothing at all.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Nappyloxs]

No, no, no. Please don't send that. Please, please don't. Whatever you're interested in achieving by this, you will most assuredly achieve the opposite. Your best look for your ex is the "I have moved on" look. The look you present here is the "I can't move on" look.

Thanks

 

It is NEVER about you not loving your ex enough when you were in the relationship. It simply isn't. That's a myth. Don't beat yourself up anymore over that and try to convince yourself that you didn't love enough. Nonsense. You loved. She loved. The love ended. That is simply the reality. On your part, the love has also ended. It is replaced by a need to recapture your ego. Don't think that's true?

 

Agree and disagree. The breakup wasn't about loving her enough. One of my flaws was that I did not allow myself to really accept how much I love her during the relationship. That was were the male ego screwed me up. I knew I love her, but just did not communicate it to her the way I should have. I admit that since the breakup, many things I learned are tailored towards her. She was needy for affection and I was not very affectionate. So now I am tailored towards being more affectionate. Maybe the next woman won't need as much affection. I don't know.

 

If I could introduce you to a woman that fit your absolute ideal based on looks, who shared your sense of humor to a T, who understood you and was patient, and who just had that "it" factor that made you sigh and smile all day long, you would no longer feel compelled to throw around the "I love you's" when talking about the ex. You just wouldn't. She would be replaced in your heart and mind. You may not believe me now, but if I could perform that magic for you somehow, you'd know I was right.

 

Happened after ex. #1. So there is some truth to that, but with ex. #1 and #2 I was so confused for months. I still loved #1, but also loved #2. Even to this day, many years later, they each hold a special place in my heart. Just as she would.

 

You "love" your ex because there is no one yet on the replacement scene. The world is filled with 100s of millions of compelling, emotional, beautiful, amazing people, all tending to their hectic lives. All are worthy of love. Many are even worthy of your particular love and vice versa. We are all replaceable in that sense. That doesn't make us "less than" somehow. It actually makes us "more than". We are part of this whole, each one of us lovable and worthy.

Agree

 

When the door that was that love closes completely, you are finally allowing a new door to open. Accept the closing of the old door, and that new door can open, but not a minute before that time.

 

Agree. But its just difficult for me right now to accept taking the new door. I know its out there as this is my 3rd serious breakup, but at the time. It took me years to find her after ex. #2. I admit she came around when I wasn't looking. Plus, I just really believe what we had was special and rare. Its not everyday you find someone you love, although it can happen any day. I have dated many women, she was rare and special. Sure, there are others out there, even similar to her. I just don't feel like I will find it again because it took so long to find her. Plus, like I said before, I have tailored myself to this relationship.

[Ashsun87]

Great post jettison, agree 100%.

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks. I think I will keep editing. I don't think I am going to send it, because as I wrote it I felt didn't feel relieved. I felt confused.

 

Oh man is this a setback. I may wait until day 30 or 365.

[Nappyloxs]

I think I have to write a new thread now, because I have so many questions.

[newinvention]

Nappy -

 

Hey brother - hang in there... I'm so close to breaking NC at day 13 too... Don't know if this will help you, but here's where I'm at with it.

 

Not going to do it after all. I realized that I truly believe that we both love each other, but she is confused and stressed. She may be moving out of state, she may have to sell her house and move her kids away from the life they know, she still is in fierce fighting with her ex-husband, she works full-time, she is just over-taxed. If I contact her, I'm just adding to her pressure... Regardless, my contacting her doesn't resolve all the other issues in her life right now. I know she would not say lets blend families and I'll stay here and we'll live happily ever after.

 

Even though I did initiate the breakup, I did so because of all these outstanding things that she couldn't/hadn't figured out yet. Those issues have not been resolved.

 

I'm getting to the point where I need to throw my hands up in the air and say to hell with it - I've done all I can do it is out of my control now.

 

Do what you think you have to, Nappy. No one situation is the same. Everyone screams about not breaking NC, but there may be a time and place for it - I'm not totally sure your's is the time now (from what I've read).

 

Hang in there...

[dumped]

I can tell you out of expirience. I have had 4 serious gf's in the last say 15 yrs. I have writen 3 of them letters all except the last one. All 3 of them came back. I have not writen the 4th because she left for someone else a totally different situation. I can tell you that the letter you wrote is not good. Do not send it.

 

All the letters, and I am 100% at this 3/3. I basically wrote my feelings about them. I never apologized for anything. I only stated how I felt and what I missed about them. And how much they meant to me.Me speaking to them from the heart. Not begging saying I messed up none of that. NONE. You look weak. Just say how you feel and what was important to you about her. Thats it. I have never writen a letter over 1 page. Plain, simple, to the point. That's it. Good luck!

[RougeKali823]

It sounds like a final plea for her attention and although I'm not anti closure letters I would suggest that you not send this. As a female who has simply withdrawn from a relationship and just stopped contacting my ex I can tell you that the letters he sent didn't help. In fact they led to me changing my number. The comments about what other people had to say about how you should feel about her and your memories only illustrate that you still care very deeply for her and would really like a response. If that is not what she wants to give you at this time then sending the letter will only push her to make the silence more permanent if she hasn't already. Sometimes silence can inform you of a lot more than words. I think that you need to put energy into finding a hobby. When I broke up w/my last ex that was the best advice I was given despite how odd it sounded. So, find a hobby and work toward letting her go because it appears as though she is doing so for you.

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks, I don't think so either

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks dumped and complxdame

 

I agree I think the letter is terrible. My mind spins with so many thoughts. So many different ways of approaching this. A few weeks ago, I sent her a CD. I doubt she listened to it.

 

I know this letter would push her away. Here is the thing, I have written many emails/letter that say so many things when I was really weak.

 

I feel much stronger today as time has moved on. I still love her deeply and want no one but her. I have been single, I have dated many women, and I know she is everything I wanted. Like the letter said I got stuck in a rut with myself and the relationship.

 

I was talking to a friend, basically I forgot how to be in a relationship. I went 6 years in between relationships. I just dated women for a few months for all those years, nothing remotely serious. This breakup has made me rediscover how to be in a relationship. It takes work and I did not put in much work.

 

I really want it to work for us. I still feel like the breakup was unnatural. We argued, said mean things neither of us meant, and it was over. She hates me today. I think it is her way of getting over me. To be honest, any letter I write she will have her new roommate read it. I say that because, her roommate hates me and has influence over my ex.

 

I still have hope that my ex will come back because 1) she hates me. As ironic as it sounds I believe its her coping mechanism 2) she is receiving some really bad advice from her new roommate. I really should post the letter I received from a friend who use to be friends with the roommate so you can see where I am coming from on this. 3) she isn't dating anyone and hasn't since we broke up. Maybe a few dates, but no rebound yet. 4) she suffers from the grass-is-greener-syndrome. 5) and people say I overanalysis this one, but in her pictures since the breakup, she just doesn't look as happy.

 

I believe in my heart of hearts, she was the one and that if she came back, things would be different and better. But still, she would have to change too.

 

I know that she will not comeback over a letter, it will happen when I finally move on and after she has had a rebound relationship and moved away from her roommate.

[BobbyC]

You need to do what you feel is right. Everyone can give you their advice, but ultimately it is up to you.

I'll be honest, I sent my ex a similar letter recently. I was hoping to illicit the type of response I wanted. I wanted to know that she was still considering some type of reconciliation. I didn't hear what I was hoping for. If you aren't ready for that, don't send it. Hold onto it for yourself. If you still feel like sending it after some more time has passed, then maybe you can send it.