How unusual is this?

[penelope13]

I have seen a number of threads that women have asked early on when dating someone new that they would like to slow down/ take their time before becoming physically intimate/ go all the way.

 

How often does it happen actually that a man (in a het relationship) is the one who after the very initial first few dates asks to slow things down in the bedroom?

[SapphireNoir10]

It happens quite a lot, about three of my girl mates have been with guys who wanted to wait.

[penelope13]

^ and in all cases it was a legitimate wish, not some hidden way of pulling out of the relationship?

[SapphireNoir10]

I'll give you my examples

 

1. One friend dated this guy for three months, she wanted sex, he only wanted to have sex when he was in love, so it took three months for them to sleep together andddd they are together a year later.

 

2. Another friend waited a couple of months cos the guy wanted to take it slow and only slept with girls if he was pretty sure it'd be long term.

[HelloKitty10]

depends on the man and woman.

sometimes a woman just wants one thing from a guy- kind of the whole- let's test drive the car before I buy it type of deal...

[lady00]

I would love to meet a guy who thought that way. None I have dated have been like this...yet.

[HeartGoesOn]

^ and in all cases it was a legitimate wish, not some hidden way of pulling out of the relationship?

 

 

Penelope

 

Where do you find such a man, and does he have a brother?

 

 

[penelope13]

Until this one, I never had met a man either who wanted to be sure that there is long term potential and in case of an accidental pregnancy he would be happy who the mother of his child is.

 

I just wish he would have told me right from the beginning rather than sweeping me off my feet and getting me all excited with anticipation.

 

But I guess it is a luxury problem

[penelope13]

Where do you find such a man, and does he have a brother?

 

Would you believe it: on craigslist, of all the places!!!

[HeartGoesOn]

Would you believe it: on craigslist, of all the places!!!

 

 

Have you met in person, or is this just what he typed?

[penelope13]

We have been dating so far for 2 months

[HeartGoesOn]

We have been dating so far for 2 months

 

 

Wow...sounds like you met a "one in a million," I hope it all goes well for you!

[brazilgirl21]

I think this happen... not with Brazilian man but definetly with the few american guys I've dated. I mean, with this guy I'm seeing now he hasn't tried anything. I want to wait too so it's all good and we haven't had "the talk" because it seems like we are on the same page.

 

If, however, after a while the guy still wanted to "wait" I'd find it a bit strange. We kind of grow up expecting that guys are supposed to want it you know?

 

But it all depends really.

[grymoire]

Personally I would rather make a move early on and be called a jerk instead of choosing to wait and be called 'oohh.. something is wrong with him.. he must be gay'.

[Batya33]

Yes and both were for healthy/good reasons as in not wanting to complicate things with sex/going to fast too early to give things more of a chance of lasting for the long term.

 

What I might be concerned about is that he is having sex with someone else with whom he's agreed to be monogamous (although he's not in a full relationship with her).

[grymoire]

I would love to meet a guy who thought that way. None I have dated have been like this...yet.

 

Penelope

 

Where do you find such a man, and does he have a brother?

 

 

why? you people don't like having sex with your boyfriends?

[lady00]

why? you people don't like having sex with your boyfriends?

 

That's an interesting (but incorrect) interpretation of what I wrote. I don't know where you got that impression. I simply don't think it's wise for me to rush things.

[grymoire]

That's an interesting (but incorrect) interpretation of what I wrote. I don't know where you got that impression. I simply don't think it's wise for me to rush things.

 

Yea, I might be wrong but to me it sounds like some women are very happy not to have sex with their boyfriends. Some also do not like other women that have sex early on with their boyfriends. I have no idea why though.

[lady00]

Yea, I might be wrong but to me it sounds like some women are very happy not to have sex with their boyfriends. Some also do not like other women that have sex early on with their boyfriends. I have no idea why though.

 

Where did you get that from (in the context of a discussion about waiting)? If a woman wants to wait a while before having sex that means she does not want sex? That's not a logical conclusion. Waiting to have sex does not = no desire to have sex. It probably means wanting it but deciding it's best to wait a little while.

[grymoire]

Where did you get that from (in the context of a discussion about waiting)?

 

I get that impression from the posts that congratulate and praise women that make men wait for an indefinite period of time... and also from the posts that criticize women that had sex early on.

[vaporleak]

From my experiences, men don't want to be used just as much as women don't. Although, I'm mostly dating guys who are upper 20's and want a serious relationship. I've had a few flings with very young guys and they couldn't care less about being used. Bottom line: depends on the guy, no universal rule.

[penelope13]

It took me a long time (and a number of painful experiences) to realize fully that for many (not all!) men sex can be just sex and doesn't have to say anything about their emotional input.

 

So it comes as a bit of a surprise that now that I have realized myself that putting so many expectations when it comes to physical intimacy is not always realistic/ healthy that I find a guy who takes it so very seriously.

 

Do I wish things were different? Yes, but unless there is no other issue this is not enough for me to end things with him at this point.

 

I'm quite sure he is not with anyone else (he told me on day one that he is not interested in dating more than one person and I have no indication so far to believe that he is lying to me), but of course there is always the possibility that there are other emotional scars that he hasn't dealt with and therefore he doesn't want to be too close at the moment.

 

I guess time will tell.

[penelope13]

Update:

 

So much to me being a lucky person: we just ended whatever we were having in an all too civilized manner: nice dinner, long walk in the park holding hands ... sigh. He is really one of the good guys.

 

The reason why he wants to call it quits? Although he thought he is ready to date/ for a new relationship - apparently he is not.

 

I think he is so scared of getting hurt/ deceived/ disappointed again that he is simply deciding to run away.

 

It's hard to be angry with him, when I see how much he is hurting and how upset he is about the whole thing.

 

Of course I am sad, but in the end I know that I did nothing wrong: I was open to the possibility, I didn't let past experiences influence me, I didn't have any set prejudice against him due to some differences on paper.

 

Before we parted I told him that I truly believe he is a good person and that he deserves the best.

[arcadefire]

Hm, that sounds similar to the last guy I've dated. We've been dating for around two months, haven't slept together yet, but out of the blue he told me he couldn't date me anymore.

 

I was miffed to be rejected, but I also sent him a farewell and well wishes. Haven't spoken to him since.

[viajera]

One of my ex-boyfriends was a 30-something virgin when I met him and really uncomfortable with everything sex-related. We didn't even kiss until 5 months after we'd first met and started dating, and first slept together another couple months after that. It felt weird to me. For a long time, I was confused about why he kept calling me for dates but never tried to hug or kiss or, really, show any interest at all. But I knew he was super-shy and inexperienced, so I just gave him time and space and didn't push anything.