How unusual is this?

[penelope13]

I was miffed to be rejected, but I also sent him a farewell and well wishes. Haven't spoken to him since.

 

Maybe I am seeing this wrongly: but I don't think he was really rejecting me per se, but would have probably rejected anyone under the same circumstances. I am not even sure anymore if he really was able to see who was in front of him (I mean I am not sure if he was able to recognize all my qualities + lack thereof) or if the resentment, hurt and anger from the previous relationship and the fear to experience this again didn't just overshadow everything.

 

If we are simply incompatible, or if there was no spark, we shouldn't have any problems staying in touch and remaining friends, after all we enjoyed spending time together, the intellectual debates, our common interests/ passions; we never had a fight or did anything to dislike each other as a person.

[arcadefire]

Maybe I am seeing this wrongly: but I don't think he was really rejecting me per se, but would have probably rejected anyone under the same circumstances. I am not even sure anymore if he really was able to see who was in front of him (I mean I am not sure if he was able to recognize all my qualities + lack thereof) or if the resentment, hurt and anger from the previous relationship and the fear to experience this again didn't just overshadow everything.

 

If we are simply incompatible, or if there was no spark, we shouldn't have any problems staying in touch and remaining friends, after all we enjoyed spending time together, the intellectual debates, our common interests/ passions; we never had a fight or did anything to dislike each other as a person.

 

You'll never know why he chose to stop seeing you save for what he told you, truth or not. If there was no spark and you want to continue seeing him, why bother? You two weren't friends before. And it will definitely free up weekends for someone else you ARE more compatible with.

[penelope13]

If there was no spark and you want to continue seeing him, why bother? You two weren't friends before. And it will definitely free up weekends for someone else you ARE more compatible with.

 

Not having sparks/ being incompatible is not a 'crime' in my eyes. We didn't do anything to each other that we regret/ that was painful/ disrespectful etc. On the other side we like a lot of things about each other and had a lot of fun. - I don't see why we shouldn't stay friends (he claims that he wants that).

 

I can separate the failed relationship potential from realizing that he is a nice/ genuinely good/ interesting person (regardless of his gender in this case), thus I don't feel a need to cut him out of my life. This will not deter me from trying to build a relationship with someone else.

[Batya33]

I would tell him that if he changes his mind and wants to date you he can call you - otherwise be friends with him only if you would be ok hearing about the dates he goes on because I think there is a good chance he will be going on dates. I would avoid the psychological analysis of "why" things didn't work out or click - it very well could be he is not available for a relationship but whether it is that, he wasn't that into you, or a combination really doesn't matter because you shouldn't take it personally...

 

I don't think you are being entirely honest with yourself as far as staying in touch not deterring you from meeting other people - especially if you hear that he is dating others, you'll dwell on that and let it distract you and hurt your self esteem - not a great way to present yourself to the world or to future dating opportunities....

[penelope13]

I don't think you are being entirely honest with yourself as far as staying in touch not deterring you from meeting other people - especially if you hear that he is dating others, you'll dwell on that and let it distract you and hurt your self esteem - not a great way to present yourself to the world or to future dating opportunities....

 

I get why you might think that, however I am a very selfanalytical/ honest person and am very much in touch with what is going on with me. I have no problem hearing about other dates, since (as you said) an incompatibility is not something that I take personally.

 

Although he was the one who decided to quit, he is the one upset about it, thus I'll leave it up to him to decide if he wants to stay in touch or not.

[Steve76]

I would love to meet a guy who thought that way. None I have dated have been like this...yet.

 

When a guy is that way then he will be labeled as weird or gay because most women expect men to want sex just as much as they do or more.

[lady00]

When a guy is that way then he will be labeled as weird or gay because most women expect men to want sex just as much as they do or more.

 

Not wanting sex altogether and waiting to have sex are very different. One can very much want to have sex but also feel that it is wise to wait a bit before having it.

[brazilgirl21]

I agree with Batya and also see Pen's side on this one.

 

Maybe I am seeing this wrongly: but I don't think he was really rejecting me per se, but would have probably rejected anyone under the same circumstances. I am not even sure anymore if he really was able to see who was in front of him (I mean I am not sure if he was able to recognize all my qualities + lack thereof) or if the resentment, hurt and anger from the previous relationship and the fear to experience this again didn't just overshadow everything.

 

I felt EXACTLY the same when I saw things weren't working between me and A and we "stopped" seeing eachother. And, he is STILL single and not going on dates with anybody seriously.

 

However, now that time has passed, I do understand that it WAS a case of "he's just not that into me", for whatever reasons. I mean, I've been hurt too, I'm scared of getting hurt as well, but if you REALLY like someone, if there's a spark, a connection, compability, I don't buy the "I'm in a bad place for a relationship" excuse.

 

I do think he likes you and is probably a great guy, just like I did think A liked me, but just not THAT much to put his fears aside for us.

 

And, although I think a guy waiting for sex is noble, almost always it isn't good news. It means the guy is conflicted about his feelings/intentions with you.

[riley123]

Sorry to hear things didn't work out for you, Penelope. See how it goes with staying in touch. You may think you are fine with it now, but it's really more a 'wait and see' kind of thing.

 

Take care.

[riley123]

By the way, I'm a guy who likes and asks to wait, and it's because I want to feel a connection with them as a person rather then just a connection with her body.

 

I've always been like this and I'm in my late 20s.

[arcadefire]

However, now that time has passed, I do understand that it WAS a case of "he's just not that into me", for whatever reasons. I mean, I've been hurt too, I'm scared of getting hurt as well, but if you REALLY like someone, if there's a spark, a connection, compability, I don't buy the "I'm in a bad place for a relationship" excuse.

 

I completely agree with this statement.

[penelope13]

I don't buy the "I'm in a bad place for a relationship" excuse

 

while most often it is an excuse, it can be sometimes the truth. I experienced it while I was trying to recover from a very bad break up: I had met a number of really nice guys and thinking back, they could have been potential long time partners, but I was no where close to ready to start a relationship with them and open up to them as a fulfilling relationship would require, simply because I was still hurting so much. At the time I was not even fully aware of it.