How long to remember the resentments?

[Hugwolf]

For those of you who got dumped from a long relationship, how long did it take for your mind to clear enough to recall all the resentments you had for your partner? I mean, I can remember the resentments I had for my ex but they don’t give me a bad feeling. I’m too heartbroken over losing her to think clearly enough to really feel upset over anything.

 

Today I guess I got my first taste of remembering how one of her behaviors made me feel. We had a great day together. We spent like 5 hours out which is a new record since breaking up. She kept looking for more things to do to keep the evening going with me. She was really enjoying being out with me which felt great. Later in the evening she text me good night and told me she had a great night. BUT then she added that she felt like we were relying on each other too much and that she was afraid it would make it hard for me to get over her, which is true. But when she said this, it reminded me of how it bothered me that she would so often put a negative spin on so many positive things. It was the first time I was reminded of something I resented in her, and actually felt it again too. It made me feel good to feel it in a way, but also sad because I know it'll make it easier to rationalize letting her go.

 

But I also found out today she had found another guy before she broke up which has left me even more confused now. She only broke up with me 3 weeks ago. I still can't comprehend why she tries so hard to maintain such a high level of contact with me, even more so now that I know she has a new bf. I feel like we're both very confused people.

[vertigoxo]

She sounds confused. Best to stay away from her so you can move on easily.

[AutumnBorn]

I wish you'd responded with "Oh, sorry if I misled you. I am over you. You're my buddy. I had a good time, too."

 

My ex's behavior was horrid and my resentment will stay with me forever. I never deserved the lies, the abuse and insults, the craigslist sex encounters. I was a good wife and mother, caring, warm, kind, just kinky and wild enough to be fun. I used to be a petite model and actress. I've always been attractive. He wanted sex with anonymous men/women/couples for the thrill of it. I'll never get over the danger he put me in. At least now I know he wears condoms...I found them twice in his bathroom trash can.

[Alstott Fan]

For those of you who got dumped from a long relationship, how long did it take for your mind to clear enough to recall all the resentments you had for your partner?

 

My wife just walked out on me after 10 years together a month ago, so I'm just a little ahead of you in this. For me, it took about 3-3 1/2 weeks for me to stop looking at her with rose colored glasses at all and start to see the person she had become and feel the resentment.

 

Basically after I gave her space and time to think and she said she can't come back even though she knows what she is is doing is wrong. That triggered it for me. I flashed back to 10 years of her doing whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted and her not caring about how it made me feel.

 

To be honest, I'm now starting to hate her more with each day that passes. I find myself thinking less about the good things and more about the BS she pulled. Things like hooking up with random guys after 2 weeks of us being separated, and then her coming to visit and having sex with me. That right there tells me all she cares about is whatever makes her feel good and not about doing what is right. Add to that her wanting to remain "friends" and you can guess where this is going. She wants her cake and to eat it too.

 

It sounds like your ex is doing the same thing. She is either giving you just enough of herself to keep you hanging on in case this new guy doesn't work out or she wants you two to compete over her. Either way all that this is going to lead to is more pain and frustration on your end. You need to limit your contact with her as much as possible. If you have to communicate, text her instead of calling. If she claims she has to see you, avoid it if at all possible. If you think you can back it up, tell her that the only way you're going to talk to her every again is if she makes a commitment to working on the relationship. But if she does agree to that you have to set boundaries. No cheating, lying, etc.

 

I wish the best for you, man. I know how you feel and that you're an open wound right now emotionally. Just remember that an open wound will never heal if you keep picking the scab off.

[AutumnBorn]

Alstott, isnt the worst realizing how little regard they had for your feelings? That's what I'll never get over, even while he said he loved me, he did and said horrible things.

 

He still lies and wonders why I don't believe what he says. He's a freakin' idiot.

[Alstott Fan]

Alstott, isnt the worst realizing how little regard they had for your feelings? That's what I'll never get over, even while he said he loved me, he did and said horrible things.

 

He still lies and wonders why I don't believe what he says. He's a freakin' idiot.

 

Yeah, the realization that they never really cared about how you felt is a nauseating one for sure. I know that I couldn't do what she is doing to me to someone that I love. Hell, I'd have a hard time doing it to someone I hated.

 

The one thing I'm lucky with in my breakup is that my ex can't lie to save her life. When I call her on something she either just shuts down, which tells me I'm right, or fesses up to it. It's too bad your ex thinks he's a good liar and keeps throwing them out there as if you're going to buy into it. That's a personality flaw on his part. People like that tend to think they are the smartest ones in the room and they have everyone fooled. What they don't or can't realize is that most people see through them and just don't care enough to bother with calling them out on their BS.

[DN]

But I also found out today she had found another guy before she broke up which has left me even more confused now. She only broke up with me 3 weeks ago. I still can't comprehend why she tries so hard to maintain such a high level of contact with me, even more so now that I know she has a new bf. I feel like we're both very confused people.

She's hedging her bets and keeping you on the back burner in case she needs to run back to you once she finds out these other guys she is sleeping with only want her for sex.

[AutumnBorn]

People like that tend to think they are the smartest ones in the room and they have everyone fooled. What they don't or can't realize is that most people see through them and just don't care enough to bother with calling them out on their BS.

 

You are completely right. There's a re-org at the company he works for - large online retailer based in Seattle. He's got to find another position in the company, but has several months. Last time this threat of not having a position came up (last spring), he mentioned the possibility of moving back in here, if needed. His problem at work is that he can't see how other people may see problems and issues differently - only he is clear thinking, intelligent, and has good ideas, even when pressed to see the benefits of their solution.

 

My response to his mentioning moving back in: Um, not really an option. Can't you move in with the woman you took to London (and now also Japan)?

[mad rabbits]

OP, in general - well, almost always - you should not remain in such close contact with an ex so fresh out of a breakup. Spending five hours together is pretty intense!

 

This is DOUBLY, TRIPLY true when they have someone else.

 

She left you for him. She is deceitful and now she wants to use you into the mix...do you really want to hold her hand while she moves on with the new guy? Bleagh...no thanks.

[Hugwolf]

It sounds like your ex is doing the same thing. She is either giving you just enough of herself to keep you hanging on in case this new guy doesn't work out or she wants you two to compete over her. Either way all that this is going to lead to is more pain and frustration on your end. You need to limit your contact with her as much as possible. If you have to communicate, text her instead of calling. If she claims she has to see you, avoid it if at all possible. If you think you can back it up, tell her that the only way you're going to talk to her every again is if she makes a commitment to working on the relationship. But if she does agree to that you have to set boundaries. No cheating, lying, etc.

 

The new guy can have her. I left out a detail, this "new" guy isn't that new. My ex had an emotional affair with him about a year ago. I did fight to keep the relationship together. But new problems came along and it's over now. I don't even want to know how long she stayed in contact with this guy when she told me she wouldn't talk to him anymore the first time around.

 

Thanks for the advice

[Alstott Fan]

I don't even want to know how long she stayed in contact with this guy when she told me she wouldn't talk to him anymore the first time around.

 

I understand and agree with this 100%. Sooner or later everything will come out, all the dirty little details. But right now you don't need them. All they will do is rob you of sleep and make you more depressed. I'm sure you've heard the saying "ignorance is bliss". Well, in cases like this it is.

[Hugwolf]

OP, in general - well, almost always - you should not remain in such close contact with an ex so fresh out of a breakup. Spending five hours together is pretty intense!

 

This is DOUBLY, TRIPLY true when they have someone else.

 

She left you for him. She is deceitful and now she wants to use you into the mix...do you really want to hold her hand while she moves on with the new guy? Bleagh...no thanks.

 

I didn't find out about the guy until right at the end of our 5 hours. It would not have happened if I knew what I know now. My disappointment in the relationship failing is turning into plain disappointment in her now

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I had resentment towards him the entire time...I just hoped things would get better...they never did..they just got worse and worse. There was nothing good about what we had because on his side anything positive was all fake...just dangling carrots to get what he wanted from me. I may have been his friend but he was never really my friend, he was using me and having a good laugh at me. I suspect he had badmouthed me to his community just in case...because he had someone there he was planning on marrying which I didn't know about, so he had to protect himself, his image..he had to make sure he appeared above reproach and that I was this psycho woman out to make problems for him.

 

I'm now starting to hate her more with each day that passes. I find myself thinking less about the good things and more about the BS she pulled.

 

Yep, I can most definitely relate to this statement.

[mad rabbits]

isnt the worst realizing how little regard they had for your feelings?

 

This goes to the heart of it for me.

 

I have some lingering resentment towards my most recent ex, because he used me and mislead me as to the nature of his interest in me. He told me he wanted me but it turned out he just wanted sex and friendship.

 

The others...none at all really...but there is one ex in particular who I will detest and resent until my dying day. And people tell me to get over it but I don't want to get over it because I will forget all the lessons that relationship taught me.

 

I just can't stand deceit and being played for the fool. Nothing makes me madder. The thing about deceit: it is actually depriving another person of their personal power to make decisions. How can you make informed decisions about a relationship, when the person you are in a relationship with keeps misinforming you about everything?

 

Lies are toxic.

[Hugwolf]

I just can't stand deceit and being played for the fool. Nothing makes me madder. The thing about deceit: it is actually depriving another person of their personal power to make decisions. How can you make informed decisions about a relationship, when the person you are in a relationship with keeps misinforming you about everything?

 

Lies are toxic.

 

I would have to agree with you now. I spent the last 3+ weeks heartbroken and in one evening I have suddenly become so angry at my ex instead. It was so hard to forgive her for having an emotional affair during our relationship, even if we were having problems. I had to find out then by accidentally finding pictures on her phone of "him". She knew how hard it was for me. What was I worth to her if she could ignore that trust that was so hard to regain? It just taints my memories of her now

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is the crux of the matter. Lying is about control..about wanting control and power over someone else. These same people who are liars and deceivers would be insanely furious if someone did the same thing to them..they demand honesty from others but not from themselves.

[mad rabbits]

These same people who are liars and deceivers would be insanely furious if someone did the same thing to them..they demand honesty from others but not from themselves.

 

Their egos are out of control. In a weird way they are also insecure. They don't trust themselves to get good results going the direct route.

 

When I am onto them they get nothing from me but my door in their face.

[Rochelle1982]

I had resentment towards him the entire time...I just hoped things would get better...they never did..they just got worse and worse. There was nothing good about what we had because on his side anything positive was all fake...just dangling carrots to get what he wanted from me. I may have been his friend but he was never really my friend, he was using me and having a good laugh at me. I suspect he had badmouthed me to his community just in case...because he had someone there he was planning on marrying which I didn't know about, so he had to protect himself, his image..he had to make sure he appeared above reproach and that I was this psycho woman out to make problems for him.

 

 

 

I hear you on that, they stay in it with you but bad mouth you to everyone around so that they are justified and validated in the end when they go in another direction. The deceit is so prevelant...why?? There is no need or what was the reason why a person would demonize you to others if they know they are going to be with another anyway. If they are going to marry or be with another, why are they still involved with us. Guess thats where those benefits come in, suddenly somewhere in there, we are not worthy of their love, but they can take advantage of other provisions whatever they may be...

 

I have not gotten to the resentment stage of this, I guess I am still trying to make sense out of all this, I don't understand. They mislead you and tell you that you have everything they are looking for and even stick around for a few years while you walk around with your head in the clouds. Then thats when it all blows up in your face, the joke was on you all along. You caused all the damage and wronged me, but you get a medal of honor and blessings to move on after you have managed to turn a loving human being into a somber, bitter and negative outlooking individual. Can't bare the sight of couples, married people, wedding rings or bands on fingers, romance BS!! He gets to drain himself of bodily fluids every night with someone else. Give away the love I thought was mine and he is happy with destroying me, even if for now, but I am a wreck.

 

I am lonely, in need of comfort and a companion as I had in him. Now he believes and lives his lies about me to go back into a failed marriage because possibly your mama may have told you it was the right thing to do cause she wants him to be married as well. Yes be a father to your kids even if the woman makes it hard, there are options, but you are with the wrong person. Its his decision to make still and I cannot hate him for that, I hate that I was not included and I still don't know what the true intentions were or are and it bothers me, so maybe there is some resentment after all. It will take me some more time then, I will check back later LOL...

[Queen1607308152]

Hey guys, I know that we all are hurting, but I do think we will grow as individuals and get over the resentment for our ex-partners. I'm not sure how long it will take but we will. I'm still in love with my x and there are times when I hate him but we have to let that go. As you can see I said we. We have to do this for us and not them. See the more resentment we have towards them the more we can't let go and move on with our lives. To be totally honest we the dumpees are the ones losing sleep and depressed throughout the day not them. So whether we realize it or not i believe that they still have more control of us than we have over ourselves. I know that may sound crazy but i have been thinking to myself about the role in played in the relationship. The role i played in my past relationship is what's causing me so much pain. See for me i feel like I allowed this to happen because I should have left him a long time ago. I stayed with him because i felt I needed him but I didn't and my feeling of needing him caused me three years of headaches and present pain. Just remember that tomorrow will offer us a new beginning and there is a blessing in every lesson.

[Motivated Girl]

Queen!! What you wrote is amazing and I try to tell myself that everyday... if I repeat it and put it into practice I know in time I will get over it. But I think that everyone is at a different stage in the grieving process... we are not only mourning the loss of the relationship, but the person you talked to about every little detail everyday... for years! It's so horrible to contemplate, but I don't know which is worse knowing that my ex is out there, perhaps with another girl or thinking about us still being together and how much I loved him and what it would have been like to have him pass away... both are horrible things and both have tremendous pain. Talking about all aspects of the relationship that was, in my eyes, is an essential part of the grieving process... I certainly don't want to bring the baggage I am carrying right now into a new relationship... but you are absolutely right... if we maintain a positive attitude, we will overcome the pain and be better for it!

Thank you for your positive attitude!