LTR - Want to Love, Don't have gut feeling though...

[ny guy]

Hi Everyone,

 

 

This may be long, but I appreciate you taking the time to read this.

 

I am 24, and my g/f was my 'first', but not my first girlfriend. I have a little dating experience, but far from extensive.

 

I have been dating my g/f for about 1 year and 9 months. She is head over heals for me, I know this. She would never leave me. Her love for me is beyond anything I can comprehend, honestly. She is a loving girl, the emotional type. She is the sweetest thing I have come accross.

 

I am typical guy I think, I have my moments where my feelings are very strong, and other times, I am not sure if I love her. But here is the thing, I truly, sincerely, want to love her. I could say that I would never cheat on her.

 

 

This relationship was my first real deal long term relationship. I dated a girl PRIOR to her, about 4 months, but one day with that girl, she wanted a committment, and I had no problem giving her the cold shoulder. This is completely different, and I don't know what I should do.

 

Here is a little background. About this time last year, it was approx. 9 months into our relationship. Pretty early on in our relationship, she said "I love you". I don't know timing, but I think I said it at about six months. I think I said it a bit too early, b/c, in august of last year, we almost had a break-up which was my fault.

 

I felt really guilty b/c I felt like she loved me more than I loved her. I told her this. (big mistake to even say something like that, I realized). I said that I wanted to give myself time because I really felt that she was such an amazing girl. She gave me a second chance. She does not want to lose me.

 

About this time, I really confided in my mother, who always told me that this girl was really something, and that I really should think twice. I had the typical grass is greener thinking, but deep down I really feel that my mother was right about her. My mom told me to take my time with my feelings, and not to do anything rash or drastic. I took her advice, and I tried to follow it.

 

So my g/f told me to stop saying I love you, and only to say it when i'm ready. A few months went by. Everything calmed down a bit between us. It was busy season, and I had to concentrate on work. She was busy with her last year of school.

 

A few months go by, and we had a moment in the car one time, and my feelings were so strong in this moment, and I said the 3 words. This was prior to this past summer. So, this summer came, and it was honestly such a wonderful summer. We did many fun things, had many, many intimate moments which were wonderful, and it was truly memorable.

 

But, lo and behold, I have these same feelings of guilt sometimes when I wake up on a Sunday, after seeing her the prior night. I just feel like my feelings of love come and go.

 

I know that being unsure of myself is really unfair to her. I know this. Sometimes when we are together at night, I just have this weird feeling in my stomach. Its the guilt of saying the I Love You without being absolute about it.

 

Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and I cry because I feel like my feelings aren't going to change. It really upsets me. Lately, I just haven't really been myself.

 

I think I owe it to her to give her my best shot. It's so weird, there are moments when she laughs, and her laugh just makes me feel so good. My mom said for me to make a list of things about her that I like. I made a mental list, and the pros definitely outweight the cons, but I know it's just not this simple.

 

I want to love her, I just don't feel it in an absolute way. It's so weird. We are so great together, even when we have our arguments, we usually finish up laughing a bit. We don't have many, but it usually involves my overbearing mother (lol, like "everybody loves raymond" =D ) I can honestly say that I see a future with her. As far as a mother, she is going to be a wonderful mother (she works a daycare center, and she is very patient with children). Our love life is awesome, and she was the first girl i was ever with. We are so comfortable with those things, we can talk about (do) ANYTHING, and it's just great (i'll spare details).

 

 

So, if anyone can offer me some input, advice, even encouragement. If you think I'm being an A-Hole, you can say that too.

 

I truly want this girl to be the one. I don't want to take the risk of dating others. Part of me knows the risk I am taking, maybe I am being selfish about it. But, the way I see it, if she loves this much, it's worth it to take this risk. She is also in it for long run. It's her decision to stick with me.

 

I don't want to look back, and think why did I let her go.

 

I don't think I am staying with her because I don't want to hurt her though, but I know that it may appear like that.

 

Anyway, sorry for the long read. I really appreciate your even taking the time to read, even if you don't respond. If you do respond, I REALLY appreciate it.

 

Thanks.

[waveseer]

Love is an action, do your intentions and behaviors show that you love her? Are they forced? What are you afraid of if you let go and allowed yourself to love her completely?

[ny guy]

Love is an action, do your intentions and behaviors show that you love her? Are they forced? What are you afraid of if you let go and allowed yourself to love her completely?

 

I think my actions show her. Sometimes, she feels that my mother controls our relationship. Many times with her family functions, if I have a family function, I will usually try to work hers into mine. She sometimes feels that I put her second to my family.

 

In a way I do. I'm not ready to put her completely first in my life. We are not married, nor am I ready anytime soon.

 

I do have the problem of wanting to keep in the good graces of my mother, which does add stress to our relationship.

 

I do sometimes say hurtful things when we have our spats. They don't sound hurtful in my head (lol), but when I say certain things, she gets upset. I don't think I really put myself in the other person's shoes enough.

 

Lately, I just haven't really been happy with myself. I think I expect too much out of myself with my job. Also, socially (with others, not g/f), I just feel a little behind everyone else. I let this feeling upset me as well.

 

I just feel that I'm expecting too much of my feelings. I feel like I should have that absolute feeling of unconditional love for her. And I have to say, I have moments of that. Where I just can't imagine anyone else but her.

 

In contrast, I also have certain moments of doubt, about my feelings for her. It is such a hot/cold thing, I just want to find that happy medium.

 

I know those feelings of unbelieveable love die down (the sparks and all that), and I know it takes effort to keep bring back those feelings.

 

I just want to be sure that when those strong feelings go away, and all the smoke clears, that I will still have no doubt that she's the one. I am too young to probably know for sure, anytime soon. I think I should keep my feelings in check, and just go with the flow, and have fun.

 

 

I don't know what I am afraid of if I love her completely. I want to. But like I said, I have moments of completely love, and then moments of not so much.

[waveseer]

During your moments of not so much is it really about her or is it more about you?

[ny guy]

During your moments of not so much is it really about her or is it more about you?

 

That is a tough one.

 

The thing is, I really can't pin-point a certain thing about her.

 

One thing, I really wish that she would eat healthier. I'm afraid of her parent's bad habits having detriments to her future health. Her house just does not stress exercise or healthy diets.

 

You can see where I am going. The thing is, she's hardly that side of the spectrum (weight), but it does bug me that she holds the power to do something about it, but she truly does not like strenuous exercise. It doesn't affect my attraction to her, but I do sometimes feel there is a possibility that in the future I may think differently.

 

I'm from a family where exercise is pretty important, and we are somewhat conscious about diets.

 

 

The thing is, I can't pinpoint something that she does that makes me love her less. She is a romantic person naturally, like the typical hopeless romantic. I want to be that person. Even if she is a bit more needy, I really want to be that guy.

 

That's where my problem comes in. I'm very in tuned with the way my family reacts to my decisions. I sometimes change what my initial gut decision if I think that they may think differently of me.

 

I know that this is something I must change about myself. I have to do what I want to do, even if it's something that my family disagrees about (within reason of course).

 

I don't know if this is part of my problem, but it certainly adds to the situation.

 

 

Example. Some time ago, she was babysitting on a sunday. My extended family usually has dinner on sundays, and my family usually goes. She asked if I could keep her company when she was babysitting. I really felt that she didn't really need me there, and I made the decision to go to my aunt's. I felt that it was a bit needy for her to want my company, pulling me away from my family.

 

I think if I didn't value the opinion of my family so much, I probably would have gone to keep her company, even though I thought it was a bit silly. She was disappointed that I went to my aunts, but she wasn't mad. For some reason, it bothered me that she was that disappointed. I feel that she shouldn't need me that much, but there are certain times that I should bend, obviously.

 

 

I'm sorry that I digress so much. I'm just tired of talking to my family about it (mostly just talk to my mom). I need some fresh ideas.

[waveseer]

It seems to me you are struggling with compromising. One way to deal with saying no is to offer an alternative. Have you ever tried that?

[ny guy]

It seems to me you are struggling with compromising. One way to deal with saying no is to offer an alternative. Have you ever tried that?

 

No. I haven't really thought of that.

 

I don't know if we can really think of an alternative though. She has encouraged me to think about changing my living situation, but we both think that I'm not exactly ready to be living completely on my own. In addition, financially I don't think it is a smart thing to do.

 

 

As far as my living situation, it is a very traditional one. No sleeping over a s/o's house, that type. Being home at a certain time. I live with it, because I am 3rd child of 4 kids. This is how it always was.

 

 

She is afraid that this is always how it's going to be.

 

 

As you can see, each question you ask leads to more and more deeper items of significance. But each of these is something that I can, in all actuality change. But changing these things will drastically alter the way in which I interact with my immediate family.

 

My family is so important to me. Maybe so much so that it gets in the way of our relationship. I just believe that there is nothing more sacred than your family. I feel that I am very lucky to have the family that I have, we are very close, very close knit, and it's something that I don't want to give up. It can be very demanding though, and I have a habit of putting my family in the first position. It's just a habit, I guess more of a reaction, just to avoid any conflicts with my family (mother).

 

I don't know if I am getting anywhere, but I've got to say, writing this stuff out is cathartic. :splat:

[ny guy]

Ok, so here is my question.

 

Am I expecting too much out of myself?

 

I want to love her so much, I really do. I just don't feel that 100% feeling yet.

 

Should I be more patient with myself? Should I even tell her this? As of late, she is questioning whether I am fully in this. I told her that I truly want to be with her, I don't want to let her go. I know that I will regret it if something happens. She asked if I have enough dating experience. I said I don't know (I know I don't), but I don't want to risk anything between us. I know she is guarding herself. I know she does not want to lose me, but we both know, the longer we have our relationship, the more potential for hurt. She says I'm not too convincing in telling her that I truly want to be with her. I know she wants me to be without a doubt in love with her. I just can't say that, and feel good saying it, yet.

[doiiiieeezie]

I think that you are looking for that movie star kind of love... you want her to be perfect and she isn't... and maybe she wants you to be perfect too.

 

It seems like you passed the honeymoon stage and into the comfortable/awkward stage. She does love you but seems to be struggling with some issues... and so are you. You are very much into pleasing your family and diets and health seem to be important as well. I think that you two should work on compromising and communication... it can be frustrating at times.

 

In terms of hot and cold and unconditional love... I asked a friend of mine who got married about 4 years ago. I asked him: Are you always 100% in love with her unconditionally? He said to me... there are days in which I love her... and she does things that tick me off... and then there are days in which I just cant get enough of her and want to spend every moment. He told me that the key was to have that balance.

 

Another couple friend of mine have been through their ups and downs and there was a time in which he loved her but wasn't in love... and she had a period in which she felt like she should just go off and be single because she hadn't dated. But they worked through their issues and I think they are celebrating their 17th yr anniversary next week. Communication, trust and acceptance is critical.

 

Talk to her and work on things. I think you do love her... but it could be your pride or hers that is getting in the way.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You judge her diet and exercise, you judge the fact that she wanted you to keep her company when she was babysitting...looking at it as "being needy" when actually she may have just wanted to spend time with you. Instead you chose to be with your family. While you think she is needy, perhaps you need to take a good long look at yourself...you have not cut the apron strings...she could see you as a mama's boy, still living at home, still deferring to your mother for decisions, still overly wrapped up in family. Family is important but there has to be a balance when you have a partner. Sometimes family first, sometimes partner first..but in your case family is always first over her. I don't think she is the one for you..when someone is "the one" there is no doubt AND she would come first more often. Perhaps you need to split from her because it is not fair to be with someone when you are ambivalent about them.

[ny guy]

I feel like i'm in a better place with things between us now. A few weeks ago (about a month ago I think), we had a pretty open talk. I said some things that I felt were difficult to say, things that she pretty much pulled out of me more or less.

 

It was all regarding a feeling within myself. Feeling like I needed time to myself. I took this time to be completely honest with how I felt. At this point in the game, honesty is truly the best policy. I said that there are times that I feel like I am so sure about her, and there are other times when I am not so much. It has nothing to do with attraction. There is not one other person that I could imagine myself with right now.

 

I also said I just feel like I needed time to myself.

 

Her response? She would do whatever I need, but she said that she would prefer to work on this together. Myself, I want this to work. I so so want her to be the one. Maybe I was expecting too much out of myself. In any event, we both decided that we want to go through this together. After this conversation, I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, it was very relieving.

 

At this moment, we were planning a trip overnight, which is a first for us. Me, feeling like I need to be honest with my parents, was apprehensive about this. Apprehensive b/c I basically had to lie about the trip. This trip was important to her, just because she needed some sort of concrete support that I was truly in this relationship. She says sometimes (when we have argmuments) that sometimes it feels like she's dating my mom.

 

I know she is right. haha

 

 

When I was at work, I was talking to a client after we had performed an audit. It seemed that she had the same tight-knit family that I had. So we had a bit of a heart-heart. After this conversation, I came to the realization that I am in my 20's, and I need to kind of break away from my parents. And if this involves small 'fibs' (how my g/f put it to me), then so be it. What I realized is that I have to live my life, even if there is some suppression from my parents. I want to live it, but I want to do it in a respectful manner to my parents. I don't want to turn my house upside down because I have rebellious tendencies. The way I see it now, this isn't really a rebellious stance I'm taking. It's more just being an adult now, and doing what makes me happy.

 

And so, I made plans for the trip then and there. We went on the trip that weekend and had a blast. That night was amazing. I still had feelings of apprehension, b/c I was still nervous about 'fibbing' to my parents, but I made the absolute best of it. Now, I can't wait to go on another trip. =)

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for your input. Sometimes, I think exactly the way you think.

 

Is she the one?

 

What always keeps my mind coming back is the fact that I know she truly loves me. Also, and arguably more importantly, she has a heart of gold. And in the end, all we really want in our s/o is someone that is at the core, a good person.

 

 

I think it is unfair the way that I think sometimes. And you are absolutely right, I used to defer to my mother for decision making.

 

I feel like I have made some big steps in the decision making department. I just have to learn when the right time to ask for advice is, and when I should think on my own. Living at my house, the situation will not change much. But, to myself, it is important to live at home and save for the future (house and such). There are certain sacrifices you make in order to have the ability to save. For me, there are certain rules that I abide by to live in my house. I don't follow these rules blindly though. I am working at 'bending' these rules, b/c in the end, I am a man and an adult.

 

 

So, like in my other response, I am trying to walk this tightrope. Keep my parents appeased, and keep my girlfriend happy.

 

But most importantly, I am trying to keep myself happy (from within). When I make these decisions, and increase my autonomy, there is a great deal of self satisfaction that I get. This may sound selfish, but honestly, for the sake of my relationship, it is probably important for me to grow in this respect. So that I will not be making my decisions solely in order to make another person (my parents) happy.

 

 

I am also slowly coming to terms with the fact that that person that I choose may not be perfect in every way. That person needs to have imperfections that I can make peace with and look past. I am slowly defining within myself, which qualities that are important to me, and those that take a back seat. Ok, so my g/f may not look like a supermodel, but to me at those intimiate moments, she makes me feel so good and turns me on so freakin much. That is important. And, I want to make her feel amazing as well, better than how she makes me feel.

 

 

So, in the end, could she be the one? Possibly....Do I hope she is? Definitely.

 

But I am trying to concentrate on what should be happening now, which is that we should be having the time of our lives just being happy, having fun, enjoying new experiences, and growing up along the way. I truly hope that we grow up together, and don't grow apart.

 

 

Sometimes I forget that and get caught up in the moment.