Sometimes I wish my boyfriend would break up with me

[shera]

Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend, but in our current life, he's the only thing I love. I feel I am here, accross the country JUST for him. I am living out of the city, with no car, hardly any friends, in a job I don't like, far away from family...and all to be with him.

 

The thing is we're good, he's sweet and supportive, and patient and sexy and soo many things that I want.

The problem is, he wants to be out west and I want to be back east. We were going to try it apart and decided against that. But now I am miserable and he's completely content. He has everything he wants...and me...not so much.

 

I feel like my life is stalled while I am out here. It's very expensive where we live and we both have debt. So i can't afford to go back to school and I can't afford a car and we hardly ever go out for fun, now even going out for a movie is too expensive.

 

So here I am once again, in our basement apartment all alone, while he is out with some of his family enjoying his day, his job, his vehicle and his life...

 

How much do you risk for love?

[hexaemeron]

If he's not willing to give up something, then you know what you have to do.

[uofagirl]

If he's not willing to give up something, then you know what you have to do.

 

I completely agree with this.

 

Relationships are about compromise on both ends. I don't blame you for being unhappy. From the sounds of it, I'd be very unhappy too.

 

Have you expressed these feelings towards him? If so, what does he say?

[Lamour detruit]

You are very sweet that you did this all just for your boyfriend. However, love is a two way street. He must realize that you gave up everything to be with him, and has he attempted to compromise with you ?

 

Yes, you are happy with your boyfriend, but are you happy with your life ?..it seems the answer to that is a resounding no. Your boyfriend needs to compromise, and you guys need to find an appropriate way to deal with this so you do not start to get miserable out there. In the end, the resentment will keep on building up, and it will not be good for either of you.

 

Change your life, one way or the other. You deserve it.

[shera]

Oh believe me he knows how I feel, all he keeps saying is he wants me to be here (out west) with him.

It's not that easy though, what I am asking him to give up is being out west for moving back east.

We're both from out east, we both have family and friends back there but he needs to be out west for work right now, plus this is where he has always wanted to live.

Which I can in part understand, it's beautiful out here, the thing is we don't have the money to do anything to make it enjoyable out here. I came out west for school, but I just don't know if I can stay. There are no jobs in my field so I am stuck doing administrative work which I really really hate. I am having a hard time meeting people out here and am bordering on if not full in depression so I hardly leave the house.

I just don't see aside from his job what draws him out here so much...

 

We have almost broken up over it a few times but it's awkward b/c we live together and I have no where else to go. So we have the fight, I try to break up and then have to wait to arrange a flight/pack etc and by that time he has convinced me to stay...till the next time..

 

I know the answer seems clear but this situation just feels absolutely impossible!

[uofagirl]

Sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place on this one.

 

If he's not willing to compromise --- then you gotta put your foot down. The way you two are living, the up and down, is not healthy. You need to be happy just as much as he needs to be happy.

 

If you can't find happiness together, then you gotta find it alone.

 

But before you jump the gun, are you trying to put yourself out there and meet people? Is your job really that bad? A job is a job right? Not only that, but life is what you make it. If you have the mentality that "oh my jobs sucks" then it's gonna suck. Or if you just drown in self pitty that you don't know anyone --- or that you don't go out and do things, then you'll never go out and meet people or do things.

 

You gotta put your foot out there. Happiness isn't just gonna come walking through your door --- you gotta reach for it.

 

You gotta make the best of each day.

[im_the_undead]

how miserable!

i can relate, the feeling is awful!

 

what i suggest is talking to your boyfriend and telling him exactly how you feel...

your feelings should be of high importance to him.

there needs to be mutual understanding and compromise.

 

However, obtaining such things maybe a challenge

best of luck dear!

[shera]

 

But before you jump the gun, are you trying to put yourself out there and meet people? Is your job really that bad? A job is a job right? Not only that, but life is what you make it. If you have the mentality that "oh my jobs sucks" then it's gonna suck. Or if you just drown in self pitty that you don't know anyone --- or that you don't go out and do things, then you'll never go out and meet people or do things.

 

You gotta put your foot out there. Happiness isn't just gonna come walking through your door --- you gotta reach for it.

 

You gotta make the best of each day.

 

I really appreciate what you said here because there is a part of me that wonders if I have forgotten how to be happy, if I will ever find a place where I can be.

I know the whole thing about creating your own happiness...but how?

[uofagirl]

I really appreciate what you said here because there is a part of me that wonders if I have forgotten how to be happy, if I will ever find a place where I can be.

I know the whole thing about creating your own happiness...but how?

 

Only you can answer that! What makes 'shera' happy?!

 

Don't drown in your misery. You have no friends, so go make friends. You don't like your job, well, mine isn't the best either but it's work, it pays the bills, so I make the most of it. If I go in miserable, I will come out miserable.

 

I moved to a totally new place to be with my husband and I knew no one. But I buckled up and got out there. Got myself a job and met a few people.

[greywolf]

There's something I have learned. Sometimes it's not about the place or the job that we're unhappy about. I have moved and quit a job I was unhappy about only to be unhappy in the next place. So I have learned that happiness really comes from within.

 

Another thing I have noticed with myself is that a lot of my happiness stems from boredom. I get caught up in work and school and doing the same things every day, and I start feeling like something is missing, like I need to go out and do something crazy and adventurous. So I go do something crazy, and then it turns out to be not so great either...

[bulletproof]

You have a very important choice to make now. You have to decide if you have what it takes to make wherever you are a good place. It takes a lot of effort to get out and make friends, or to find a new job that's better suited to you, or to work hard to pay off debt. But you are the only one that can do it. Are you sure there are absolutely no jobs that would remotely relate to your chosen field? Can you volunteer at something that is meaningful to you in that respect? I've had jobs I disliked and found that I was happier waiting tables. Maybe it's time to switch things up a bit.

 

You don't need money to enjoy all the things that are out west. The weather is beautiful and things like hiking or going to the beach don't cost anything. Try to imagine if someone told you your bf would disappear tomorrow- you'd likely be stunned and horrified and think about all the ways you would have tried to make things better if you had one more day with him. That's how you have to think all the time to ever really be happy- perspective is everything, gratefulness is everything.

[DN]

I moved to another country after my wife and I married and it was tough at first for much the same reasons that you cite.

 

But now, I consider where we are my home. My friends and interests are much more here than there and I only have a sister there now who I talk to often and visit when we can.

 

The one constant in life is change - big or little, all at once or so slow you barely notice. But had you stayed out East it would have changed too.

 

There are things you can do to make your life better where you are - rather than dwell on the past, look to the future for you cannot influence what has happened only what will happen.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. One less drastic thing to try might be to consider taking all reliance off of BF and putting it on yourself instead. I realize that sounds scary and impossible, but if you can pretend for a time that BF is a roommate instead of a lover and you're on your own to make-or-break your own happiness, you might rise to the occasion and surprise yourself.

 

This isn't a BF issue. If you reverse the situation and he lives in misery for your sake, how is that any better for your relationship? So your ties to BF aren't the point, as you could go home alone if that's really what you want.

 

Also consider that the glam dust you're sprinkling over your past and presumptions about what your hometown would be like today may not exactly be accurate. If you were to find yourself back east during the same exact recession that's playing out in the west, you might find yourself feeling just as deflated by the jobs you're forced to take, the car you're forced to drive (or lack thereof) and the relationships that have since changed from what you remember.

 

For instance, your old friends are probably split between drowning in diapers or debt or some other kind of change that makes them less emotionally available to you--and to test this, try reaching out and enjoying deep and long phone conversations with them today. If they can speak to you accross a barbecue or kitchen table, they can speak on the phone with you right where you are. See where you get, and test how fulfilling a return to them might actually be.

 

The point isn't to put down your homestead, but rather to push you to focus on forward growth and standing on your own two feet no matter where you are. That's not an unsympathetic statement. I've been thousands of miles from my hometown and I sunk for a while before I started to swim. I was surprised and amazed at the generosity of people once I reached out and pursued some hobbies and animal charity work and classes and an attitude adjustment about my work. People were very kind and offered me a kinship that I wouldn't have been motivated to reach for from others back home.

 

I also hope you'll continue to write here if it will help. Journaling can be a great eye-opener, a stress reliever and a companion.

 

I'd take BF out of the equation and out of the pressure cooker, and look at your relationship with him later, after you've gone deeper into problem solving on your own. While I can appreciate a need to negotiate things like finances with BF, he's not your therapist or your social director. Growing pains happen whether we're in our childhood bedrooms or whether we're accross a continent. We don't get to transfer our parents' role to a lover with any success, and all adults being equal, we each pick our own cards from the deck--it's up to us (and nobody else) how we opt to play them.

 

In your corner.

[gsxr104]

I'm wondering if he would be as patient and do the same for you.