Post here instead of contacting your ex!

[sunshine34]

this is now the end of day 3 nc and honestly I am starting to feel stronger and happier. when I was talking with you I was so depressed and defeated because it was a constant reminder of my failure.. that no matter what I was doing or would do, it wasn't enough and that wasn't making me happy. I find out the results from surgery Thursday and I'm assuming you will contact me then , as long as I keep it brief, I think that it shouldn't set me back. I'm past the stage of anger and leaving sadness.. I still have moments where it's hard to process the fact that this isn't temporary, that forever I will not have you hold me or look into my eyes or even speak with me. friendship with an ex never works, especially with you because of the love I had for you. that's disappointing and sad that I've said goodbye to you as a person , not just a lover and we both still deeply care for one another. this too shall pass and I know it. better things lie ahead.. I'm looking for a husband in my future , someone to start a family with and that was never your end goal. plus I shouldn't be with someone who is this doubtful and truth be told, I was doubtful our entire relationship. things are better this way, the only talk of you or about my feelings will be to this digital cubby hole that vacuums it in as if it was never written. now is the time to say goodbye, not just to our potential future, but to you as a person. it was fun, I learned a lot and have given it everything, but there is simpy nothing I can do or could have done for this to be different. goodbye dimitri.

[kz91]

I was back at college today, after the week off. I hate going to college because it reminds me of you, that's where we met each other and where we both fell in love. The teacher we both had last year asked me if I'm seeing anyone and I said no, I'm not. She seemed confused and asked well aren't you seeing ***? And I said no, she left me for someone else, her jaw dropped, she was so shocked. I was doing fine until she mentioned me and you. I've been in a down mood ever since and I've just cried. I still miss you and still love you, why don't you just text me? But then I think, it's best if you don't. What's the point? It's not gonna change anything, what you've done. Even though I don't want you back, I just want you to miss me like I miss you, I want you to have the urge to text me and I want you to be thinking of ME like I'm thinking of YOU. If that's selfish of me, then I'm sorry. What happened, happened for a reason, I know that and in time I'll learn why. God does everything for the best and in time I'll learn why he chose for this to happen. This was fate and that's something you can't fight or change, I thought you were my soulmate, you thought I was yours but now I know that wasn't true, just like you. They say soulmates never die but you killed us.

[wish9080]

Wow. Coming accross that little bit of info today really opened my eyes to the fact that you are a complete jerk. It hasn't even been two months yet and I have to see this? Really? That's how little I meant to you? You have helped me let go of any last shred of hope I had left that you might come back. You were right when you said you didn't deserve someone like me. You have a long way to go when it comes to understanding what love is. You're such a coward. I don't know what I ever saw in you.

[sunshine34]

I miss u a lot today. I am nervous about my drs appointment and bc u were always there in the past to calm my nerves it's hard not having u here.i know no matter what happens u won't be there for the rest of the process and that makes me uneasy to say the least. it's so hard to forget the little things, the way u used to wash my hair in the shower, hold me all night , the little kisses, the sweet text messages, the feeling I used to have with you of instant trust which is gone now. all of it is in the past with the person you were, yet I keep wanting to resurrect you. I know that person is a memory, I just wish I could live in that memory a little longer and maybe convince him to come with me and destroy you I miss my dimitri. this dimitri isn't mine , he's a philandering fool.

[sunshine34]

I have this massive urge to text you "all I want to do right now is snuggle because I'm scared" I hate my mind.. for allowing me to think I can use my fear and my health as an excuse to be weak and deny the truth. if u really loved me the way I need you to, I should be able to say that I want to snuggle anyways and you'd want that too. you wouldn't feel the need to "explore other women", I would be enough. you would be texting me and sending me flowers apologizing for how much of a **** you were. but you aren't, and trying to crawl back into your arms to comfort me will do nothing but hurt me in the end, because you don't love me. I am still utterly confused about your feelings but I probably won't ever understand. can't and won't understand how a person could be so intimate with me, take me to surgery, care about my aftercare and my decisions and have feelings for me but still seek other women. I have friends that I care for, but I would not be that intimate and that close with them because we are friends and it would make me uncomfortable. wherever you are on the 50 effing shades of gray with this makes you a scumbag. I hate men who are inbetereneers and the old you never was. now that we have something meaningful its less to you.. which makes no ****ing sense. you want some superficial thing. that's the worst part. some superficial thing is better than seeing each other through hard times and growing together. well eff you too

[Balloonh8r1302]

It would be really funny if your boyfriend did indeed stop loving you after a while. Because you threw away someone who was head over heels obsessed with you in order to be with him. I care enough about you that if it really did happen, I would probably be concerned for you.

 

However, the very thought of it right now makes me laugh. Because I can't stop loving you even when I try.

[hopelessincan]

My god... I just had a terrible urge to call you. Just randomly out of the blue. To call and just let out all my anger on you. To tell you how much you have disappointed me. I can't. I know in my heart that I just cant. You have to come back, You have to want to make us work. You told me that last time that you really really did but you just weren't sure anymore. That it wasn't there. I know you. I know its still there. But you are so good at letting anger mask your feeling. I also remember you telling me that men always come back.....

 

We were supposed to be each others lasts. We made it through so much, that the rest should have been a damned piece of cake. But no, instead you had to hold onto anything and everything that has happened over our entire relationship. I shouldn't have to pay for something I said or did years ago. Geez, if I had done that.....

 

You deny that outside stress got in our way, but I think if you really sit back and think (and I hope you are) you will realize all the drama and bad luck played a huge part.

 

I've lasted twice as long as usual this time before I've called and tried to patch everything up. Have you noticed? On one hand I think I will hear from you again, but I fear the worst. I fear that it will be just at that right time when you will contact me, just to break my heart in two all over again. I don't want a stupid little email asking how I am. Don't you dare. It's 'just not there' right? The stupid thought keeps coming back in my head, if I was to contact you, no doubt I could ease all my pain. I could have you back.. for one night, one month, maybe even a few.....But I know I have to stop doing this to myself.

 

You said you would think about things. You said you didn't want to give up, but the feelings just weren't there. I know they are. I saw the hurt in your eyes. I pressured you and made you speak up. To tell me you tried so hard, I think that's a crock of ****. Trying would have involved you actually listening to a word I had to say, and really understanding what I was actually saying. Making changes to ease my insecurities. I know I played a huge part in this. I had no backbone with you.

 

We have too strong of a bond for you not to come back. Just make it soon. Its been 10 whole days. That's like an hour for you. So I know I will have to wait a long time. Im nearing the anger phase, so just know that.

 

I haven't cried today...but the day isn't over. I'm so numb, I feel like a walking zombie. I made you my life and that was so so very stupid.

[IAmFCA]

hey you. you no longer feel like my ex. now you feel like someone I know better than most, someone who is important to me, but not a friend. maybe you do feel like an ex. so ex that you are not a temptation? not a brother. not a bf. not a prospect. it's like, I've adopted you. you are oddly mine. I can dump you, not dump you, it really doesn't matter. you will always know what I am up to, and vice versa, at least roughly so. you are just there, like pants, or the bills that come in the mail.

 

finally, when I sent you the message about my ambivalence accepting that you are not fixing it and that you are making decisions accordingly, you got it.

 

and here is what I got: clarity that trust is a difficult game with you. it's clear that you are seeing our used to see pages that I looked at, and that you will threaten the relationship if called out. okay, I don't need to threaten the relationship. ever since I have known you, you have demonstrated the capacity to lie. so, it just means that to know you is to accept the fact that you might use your it skills to violate my privacy, or lie about your schedule, or start some s with another man and lie about that. you sent one fb message to r, which you eventually admitted, but before you admitted it, you l Ied strongly and took offense.

 

I care in terms of what it tells me about you. but fixing you is not my job. do I don't care all that much. I could care less, really, what you see on my pc. knock yourself out.

 

but get therapy my dear. you are a mess. I seem to care for you anyway, but being married to you would be difficult indeed unless you turned yourself inside out and got yourself right. I don't see that happening.

 

and no, I'm not sure how I will maintain contact. maybe once a quarter. maybe not at all. waiting to see what you do and where I end up.

[carolinemk]

This morning I have to cover the girls' floor at work. I am the only staff here, and probably couldn't be less qualified. It's another one of those silly/funny days during my volunteer year that you always laughed about with me too. Laughed, and yet encouraged me.

 

I texted my mom about this instead of you. She hasn't replied yet, and even if she does, I know it probably won't make me smile like your texts usually would.

 

Hope you're missing me a bit too.

[IAmFCA]

wow. just found article on dealing with high conflict people. it articulated what I've been absorbing, and identified defensiveness as a barrier, and I get it in you and I get it in myself. (no wonder). hcps are dealing with a mistaken assessment of danger, typically this is a feeling leftover from childhood experiences. direct confrontation and abandonment as a consequence for their actions just reinforces this sense of danger.

 

they are not self aware.

 

so, if b chooses to think on this topic, then it might be valuable.... no. if I want accountability, then I can say, look, this is what I know. I am not bothered by what I know. it just impacts how I chose to make myself available to you... no, too threatening, but close.

 

so, this may not be the impact you intend to have,I don't know. out of self respect, saying something. I don't really need or want to defend my position, I am not interested in creating a conflict. it's not even worth conflict. just want you to know that I think I know you,I think I know parts of you that you think I don't know, and its okay to be you.

[Moontiger]

Dude, if your still reading this stop. I got your "note" it went straight into my paper shredder. You have zero right to invade my privacy like this and all is does is confirm I did the right thing.

[hopelessincan]

I feel like crap today. numb and dead inside. just how I felt those few weeks before we split when you started backing off again. Deny it all you want. two days ago I was feeling better and trying to force myself to think positive thoughts. truth is I don't want to. I'm dwelling on this and its terrible and such a waste. I want my motivation back and my happiness.

not sure why I started really thinking of you last night. I've been forcing myself to do things with people so to not disappoint them. but its so hard. I was out all day yesterday and it was great. Till I got home to the empty house. then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I still haven't told a soul. I'm guessing you haven't either. Its only been 10 days. I still hold on to the hope that you will realize being apart is a big mistake.

[Alone Now]

MW: You continue to capture me with the affection that you show in spurts. It's like you know what you are doing and are playing a game that you are an expert in. You dangle a worm and I take the bait. It is a cycle that I need to end. As I said earlier, you lie and manipulate and are quick to place the blame on everyone else, even after you swear that you are sorry.

 

J: I'm sorry too. I should call you and apologize for blaming you for all that has been placed on you by both MW and NG. Yes, you talked smack about me and yes MW LIED about being involved in it, but he should get credit for finally admitting that he blew things out of proportion. Why can I forgive MW so easily, but I still hold a grudge with you? It's like I'm disappointed in someone else's behavior, but rather than blaming the person, it is easier to blame you. I owe you an apology, I know I do. But I can't bring myself to giving you one. I also miss your randomness at sending me flowers and cards and text messages and phone calls, but for right this minute I don't think I am quite mature enough to formally apologize to you. Maybe I will send you a text.

 

NG: I think I'm going to keep you hanging around for a while until I figure out what to do with MW. You are fun and handsome and for a couple of minutes each time we talk or see each other, you make me forget MW. Now if only you could figure out what I am doing so I can confront myself about both MW and J.

 

I just know I have to apologize to J, but will end up looking stupid and foolish and prove that I prefer MW bull**** over J's truths. What is up with that?

[Alone Now]

MW: You LIED and now I'm lying to myself thinking that J was to blame for all of this crap! We didn't you come clean without me having to pull the truth out of you? Now I have this bad taste in my mouth about J that, even knowing the truth that you are a bull**** artist, I just can't shake! YOU ruined a perfectly good relationship between me and J. YOU decided that hiding the truth from me was easier and a lot more fun than being honest! I trusted you! I thought you were telling me the God's honest truth! I thought that you were right about J without even thinking about it because I wanted, desperately, for you to right!

 

But what kind of woman am I not to be able to admit that MW is a liar, if and when I talk to J again? J deserved some blame, but MW just kept adding fuel to the fire! Will he do that with everyone I show an interest in? Will he sabotage every friendship I make so I have no one to turn to? J was wrong, but we are much worse because you constantly lie and I can't bring myself to saying I was wrong to J

[strangecacti]

I’m hurt, confused & angry. I could see if things had gotten cold or contentious between us in the weeks leading up to you leaving but it wasn’t. I felt that it was still a loving relationship. But I guess you had already made up your mind for a long time before leaving. I wish you were more forthcoming but I understand how hard it is to be the one to end things.

 

I know I put you through a lot. I lied about my situation & it put you in danger. I didn’t stick up for you because deep down I felt that what I was doing WAS wrong. I didn’t make you feel legitimate. I’m so sorry. I know you deserve to be with someone you can introduce to your friends, someone you can be proud of but that knowledge hurts like knives.

[blukate]

i dont know what you did to me but yeah, its been 3 months and i miss you still.... whats wrong with me?!! urggh!

[Balloonh8r1302]

i am glad that you threw me away in order to be with your boyfriend, because now I am free to find someone who will not flush me down the toilet so readily.

 

on the other hand, i am still in love with you, and i still miss you. i know we were not meant to be and i know neither of us are good for each other, but i still want to snuggle you so badly.

 

why can't i turn myself into a robot and deprogram myself of these useless feelings? why must you be so attractive and cuddlesome?

[Moontiger]

Well, just got your text. I'm not going to respond. I am very tempted to text you back asking if you need a kidney. Why else would you contact me after that lovely three page letter you sent?

 

What is really sad is you are trying really hard to take my safe space away from me.

[hopelessincan]

geez I could have written that post above. sorry to hear what you have gone through bodyelectric.... ugh sounds so familiar.

[chilove]

Oh lordy, I'm afraid I'm gonna be posting here alot.

 

I'm so confused and hurt. I don't understand why you have to go away or what I did. I understand that you need to do your thing but how and why that changes what we had is beyond me. I've done nothing but try to help and support you and I've bent over backwards. I guess it's the whole "it's not you, it's me" BS. I'm so sick of it. I'm so tired ddof hurting and of being alone and of feeling undesired and unloved. I want to believe in love again but I really dont know if I can.

[sunshine34]

I don't feel well and I can't sleep.. Today was the best news I've heard in a very long time and the chains were released, I felt free. Free from my health issues, free to breathe , to live. You didn't text me to ask how things went.. I figure u forgot it was today or maybe you figured I'd text you, which I did and I don't feel badly because after everything you deserve to know I am okay now. We exchanged a few texts, I felt myself starting to get sucked in again.. Upset and scheming about a way about a possibility, but this time I understood the impossibility of it all and also the desire isn't real. Because the desire is for the man I thought you were, not the man you are. I had a realization today, more of an epiphany really, the whole reason this hasn't affected you is because of your life choice. Ironically, you telling me "you don't approve of my life choices", but now I'm seeing I dot approve of yours.. I'm not saying your motives to be a dr aren't true and genuine, but what you have allowed the experience and Miami to do to you sickens me.. The entire viewpoint of this situation to you must have been very routine. Very mundane and scripted like you in the hospital helping patients. I was just like another patient, I didn't mean anything but a job. U go in you help you leave. Emotions at te door. A science project if you want to call a spade a spade. So I said goodbye to you.. Because if I didn't, I wouldn't, and then the door would always be open.. Open for you to waltz in and send me a text , maybe try to sleep with me when you return from Europe , whatever it would have been.. To just destroy all the work I had done without you. And even though statistically, you would have more than likely not even messaged me again, it's the possibility. It's the thought, the lingering idea that you could set me back that I needed to end. Because no matter what would hae happened if I didn't, it wouldn't end w me beig happy. It would end w you diminishing and destroying every shred of a joyful memory I had of you. That is what is beginning to happen, each word you profess weakens the bond we once shared down to their individual molecules and properties. All of a sudden, I can't see a bond, just ideas and remnants of what was a weak molecular attraction not a bond. I'd rather keep the past a happy memory, learn from what happened and move forward. Instead of living w a door open that will always be empty and leave me drained and cut. Now the only thing left is waiting for a response which honestly I hope doesn't come because there's nothing you could say to be additive to me. Because you don't have real feelings and anything you say will show that. It will stab knifes into the memories of when you did until they bleed to death. This is my new sanctuary , you live to die in this gigabyte.

[surfjon]

Better Man

James Morrison

 

There was a time I had nothing to give

 

Well, I needed shelter from the storm I was in

 

When it all got too heavy you carried my weight

 

And I want to hold you and I want to say

 

That you are all that I need,

 

For you, I give my soul to keep

 

You see me,

 

Love me just the way I am

 

I said, for you I am a better man

 

I said, you are the reason for everything that I do

 

I'd be lost, so lost without you, oh

 

And under the stars

 

At the edge of the sea

 

There's no one around, no one but you and me

 

We'd talk for hours as time drifts away

 

I could stay here forever and hold you this way

 

You are all that I need,

 

For you, I give my soul to keep

 

You see me, love me just the way I am

 

I said, for you I am a better man

 

I said, you are the reason for everything that I do

 

I'd be lost, so lost without you,

 

No no no I'd be lost, so lost without you

 

5 months out and I'm all good, I miss you sometimes.....but not your crap treatment the last 2 years, I mean the you I met in 2008, the girl that was awesome for 3 years, the girl thats long-gone.....

 

Were it to have ended differently, I'd thank you for the great times, some of the best of my life, that I spent with you.....I'd thank you for teaching me to love again after the brutality of getting thru the ending of a 24 year marriage, I'd have wished you well....

 

Now all I can do is thank you for making me see how flawed we were and how I'm glad (finally) that it's done.....

[Alone Now]

MW: Tomorrow I will drive my little man to his father's and I will spend the 16 hour drive thinking about you, even though you don't deserve it. I will drive silently, listening to my own thoughts. I still cannot believe the mess that I have gotten caught up with you. You are a liar, a coward and are the only one who knows how and which buttons to push. I hate this fact. I will also spend time to think of NG and try and figure out where he fits into my world. I will have 2 months of being single and am sure I will see him, but that I will only go out on dates with him and not sleep with him or anyone else for the two months. I will concentrate on me, my job and a killer tan. I will be strong and yes, I am certain MW and I will cross paths.

 

On my 16 hour drive home I will allow myself to think of J, because he DOES deserve it. Having accidentally gone NC on him for the last two weeks, because of the bull**** that MW started between us, I am realizing that he really is a stand up guy who would always always always be there for me. I need to figure out how to let him know that I bought into MW's lies and that I want to repair the friendship that is so much fun to have. I will also allow myself to think about nothing while Mother's Finest screams from the CD player. I loaded the disc player with six of their CD's and I know I will not get bored or skip a single song. I will think of a way to let J know that he is in some way connected to MW because MW is such a jerk and J is a nice person. Polar opposites. MW is stuck and J continues to grow leaps and bounds over him. Polar opposites. MW wants to own me, J would do anything to make sure I am free to experience life. Polar opposites. MW is the greatest at playing mind games and having me feel sorry for him, J is learning how to do that to but to a much smaller degree. Not so polar opposites.

 

MW and NG will see me. J will have to wait until I can find the right words to say to explain that we are all accountable for the crap that went on.

[sunshine34]

I'm in lots of pain physically, tonsillitis and my first period after the leep it hurts so badly I keep crying . I'm emotional because of my period and I miss u.. I am wondering if my goodbye hurt you, if it made you upset that it was through text.. It just seemed unfitting to call you.. After all if I didn't say goodbye you would have just disappeared . I want you to hold me and kiss me. I'm sad u can't be here. Texting you this would be pointless and if u cared you would have fought for me at least once and u never did. If I texted u , and u came, I'd just have to say goodbye again bc you don't want me in your life and I need to accept it.. I just want it so badly I can convince myself you do too. Even though that's not true. I hate u for making me love u so much, and for making me need you when you could care less about my heart

[hopefully]

I wish i put more effort into our relationship. And i wish i tried harder to make you happy.