He's planning to visit, but spending too much money

[Anberlin]

My bf of 3 years years lives in England, and I'm in the US. He is coming to visit my country when we have enough money saved up (splitting the cost), and when he can get off work, and I'm on a break from classes. So there's kind of that pressure to have the money by the time we are free to spend a lot of time together.

 

I'm a full time student with no actual job, though I'm trying to find work on campus as an option. I work online on a few sites regularly, I guess they can count as jobs as they help out a lot...I have a slow but steady increase in funds right now. I save up the money I get from that as well as birthdays, Christmas etc and I watch how much I'm spending. I try to only buy the necessities - dorm supplies and the cheap textbooks online. If I do buy something that is just a want, I make sure it is something cheap.

 

On the other hand, he has been out of school for a while and has a good job. Naturally, I thought he'd come up with his half of the money first. He told me though that he was worried about money because what he makes is just barely enough to cover his bills lately (car, credit card, internet, everything else). So it's been looking like I'd be able to come up with it first.

 

Here's where the issue comes in. He's always had a tendency to spend quite a bit of money. He never stopped spending so much, going on shopping trips at least once a week just to buy things he thinks are cool. I've had no problem with this, it's his money and he's earned it, but I'm just starting to get concerned. I guess his most recent purchase kind of pushed me over the edge a bit.

 

He just bought a ninja suit with sword for $75. It's not even for Halloween or anything. lol It's great that he got something he likes, but when he spends so much on something like a ninja suit of all things I'm left feeling like I'm pinching pennies and he's not even trying. I want to talk about this with him, but I'm not sure how to bring this up. I want to tell him my concerns without sounding like I'm telling him how to spend his money, and I don't want to sound like I don't think the ninja suit is super cool.

 

Just looking for any comments/suggestions.

[jul-els]

Say, "I like the ninja suit, but I'm getting kinda worried that you might not have enough money for the trip." and see what he says. Ultimately though, there's not much you can do about it. It's his money and he's gonna do what he's gonna do.

[waveseer]

It's a matter of priorities and it sounds like your concerned that your priorities and his do not match. I would approach the discussion this way since it's not really about a ninja suit.

[needadvice911]

I think it will definitely be a problem in the future if you plan on staying with him. Most couples these days break up because of financial stress. You could give him your opinion, by telling him what you do. You could say to him exactly what you just told us and say this is how I have been saving up money for us to meet up one of these days. Or you could tell him indirectly, by saying I have a friend that spends money like crazy and I've been trying to give her advice on how to save like I do, have any suggestions?

 

If he doesn't come up with his half, don't even think about paying for him to come see you. But you could also tell him, Do you think we will actually meet or am I saving every penny I have for nothing? I would like to know if this is going to work and if you think you will be able to come up with your half. If he cant even come up with his half of the money then imagine how it would be if you were both trying to save up for a house. You would probably be the only one doing saving. I think you could look at it this way, if he comes up with his half, then you know he can save money and its not an issue, maybe the process is not to your liking but he eventually ends up reaching his goal. If he doesn

t save up the money to come and see you, then you know that 1. He has an issue with spending too much money and not being able to save and 2. he's not taking this relationship as seriously as you are... hope this helps..

Let us know what happens.

[greywolf]

I know how you feel. When my ex and I were together, I'd save a lot of money to go see her and I'd get a little upset whenever she told me she spent 50 bucks on clothes or something. She had three times as many clothes as I did!!

 

I think the best thing to do would be to ask him what his saving goals are, and how he plans to have enough money saved up in time.

[HeartGoesOn]

If he does come up with his half of the money, does he have the money for lodging, and entertainment...and taking you out?

 

I would be careful to make sure that this doesn't leave you "high and dry." Have you met him in person yet, or is this just over the internet?

[Siriana]

My bf of 3 years years lives in England, and I'm in the US. He is coming to visit my country when we have enough money saved up (splitting the cost)

 

 

Are you supposed to split the cost of his trip or to split the costs of him staying at your place?

[DN]

Perhaps what is happening is this:

 

$X thousand to be saved for a trip sometime in the future. Big amount of money for something that is not a reality yet and might not happen because of money or work or whatever.

 

$75 for something that he can obtain immediately.

 

So what he needs is something more tangible to aim for. An actual target date would be a start.

[Anberlin]

Say, "I like the ninja suit, but I'm getting kinda worried that you might not have enough money for the trip." and see what he says. Ultimately though, there's not much you can do about it. It's his money and he's gonna do what he's gonna do.

 

Thanks. I like that he has the money to get what he wants, I just worry about our trip...

 

It's a matter of priorities and it sounds like your concerned that your priorities and his do not match. I would approach the discussion this way since it's not really about a ninja suit.

 

Yeah, I guess we need to talk about what his priorities are. I'm sure he'd always say I'm his top priority, and he treats me like it, but I'm not sure if he realizes how important this trip is. And you're right, a ninja suit is not something I would personally buy but I don't care if he's a ninja or not. lol

 

I think it will definitely be a problem in the future if you plan on staying with him. Most couples these days break up because of financial stress. You could give him your opinion, by telling him what you do. You could say to him exactly what you just told us and say this is how I have been saving up money for us to meet up one of these days. Or you could tell him indirectly, by saying I have a friend that spends money like crazy and I've been trying to give her advice on how to save like I do, have any suggestions?

 

If he doesn't come up with his half, don't even think about paying for him to come see you. But you could also tell him, Do you think we will actually meet or am I saving every penny I have for nothing? I would like to know if this is going to work and if you think you will be able to come up with your half. If he cant even come up with his half of the money then imagine how it would be if you were both trying to save up for a house. You would probably be the only one doing saving. I think you could look at it this way, if he comes up with his half, then you know he can save money and its not an issue, maybe the process is not to your liking but he eventually ends up reaching his goal. If he doesn

t save up the money to come and see you, then you know that 1. He has an issue with spending too much money and not being able to save and 2. he's not taking this relationship as seriously as you are... hope this helps..

Let us know what happens.

 

Thank you. That's a good point about buying a house. I've seen that he isn't the greatest with money, I just hope it's something that can be improved enough so that things actually work out. I'll see if he does what he says and has the money, he may surprise me. I'll just have to be sure I'm not saving up for nothing like you said.

 

I know how you feel. When my ex and I were together, I'd save a lot of money to go see her and I'd get a little upset whenever she told me she spent 50 bucks on clothes or something. She had three times as many clothes as I did!!

 

I think the best thing to do would be to ask him what his saving goals are, and how he plans to have enough money saved up in time.

 

I do hope he has saving goals in mind. That would be lovely to hear. I guess it's just hard for me to understand how he's saving anything if he's buying a $75 ninja suit, designer clothes, computer games, and $50 figurines among other things. All this after he told me he didn't have anything left over after covering his bills. That bothers me.

 

If he does come up with his half of the money, does he have the money for lodging, and entertainment...and taking you out?

 

I would be careful to make sure that this doesn't leave you "high and dry." Have you met him in person yet, or is this just over the internet?

 

I tend to just think about the price of the plane ticket since it's hard to estimate the price of everything we'll do while here. He'd want to pay for my meals etc so it's going to be more a little more than half for him actually. Which makes me wonder more if he'll actually have the money at this rate.

 

This will be the first time meeting in person after all our time spent talking on the phone and being on web cam. I know it sounds bad and sometimes can be, but that's why it's just a visit and no one is moving yet. I really want to "make it real" and be sure this is the man I want to be with without the problem of not having met in person. I know it can be different from what's expected from talking online.

 

Are you supposed to split the cost of his trip or to split the costs of him staying at your place?

 

I think we really need to work out more details as far as where he will stay as well.

 

Perhaps what is happening is this:

 

$X thousand to be saved for a trip sometime in the future. Big amount of money for something that is not a reality yet and might not happen because of money or work or whatever.

 

$75 for something that he can obtain immediately.

 

So what he needs is something more tangible to aim for. An actual target date would be a start.

 

Yeah, I can see that. It's not easy saving up for this. When I see something I want it's hard to resist getting it if it's relatively cheap, as I can get that right now and this is a lot of money set aside for something that might not even happen. I'd really love to get a date set. Last time I mentioned it he agreed it would be nice to know when, but that was all he said. I will try again. I'd like it to happen next summer at the latest, but if for no apparent reason there's no date in sight at that time I'll just have to move on. ](*,)

[HeartGoesOn]

Even though you've talked on the phone, and on the internet, he's still a stranger that you haven't met yet, in person.

 

I would think long and hard, before sending him any money.

[catfeeder]

Even though you've talked on the phone, and on the internet, he's still a stranger that you haven't met yet, in person.

 

I would think long and hard, before sending him any money.

 

I agree. He might enjoy having an online fantasy 'relationship' but that doesn't mean he truly intends to make it tangible.

 

Are you sure you want to invest your entire savings in this? Do you intend to send him your money upfront to buy his ticket, or will you reimburse him once he shows up? I'd opt for the latter, and I'd be awfully careful about limiting both your emotional and financial investments in someone you don't even know.

[Anberlin]

Even though you've talked on the phone, and on the internet, he's still a stranger that you haven't met yet, in person.

 

I would think long and hard, before sending him any money.

 

I agree. He might enjoy having an online fantasy 'relationship' but that doesn't mean he truly intends to make it tangible.

 

Are you sure you want to invest your entire savings in this? Do you intend to send him your money upfront to buy his ticket, or will you reimburse him once he shows up? I'd opt for the latter, and I'd be awfully careful about limiting both your emotional and financial investments in someone you don't even know.

 

I hadn't really thought about that aspect of it. I guess after 3 years of building trust it wasn't something I was putting much thought into, though I know bad things happen. It's a lot of money, but that's what it will take to see him in person. I'm definitely seeing more that so much planning will be involved...how to get the money to him wasn't even discussed. We may do the reimbursement if possible. I honestly hadn't thought about it, but will think about this more. It was his idea to come to the US but my idea to split the cost, as I didn't think he'd be able to come any time in the near future if he had to save it all on his own.

[Anberlin]

Well I talked to him about this. I focused on the suggestions of what to say and managed to not have to mention the ninja suit. lol I just told him what I was doing to save up some money and that I was worried we won't be able to save up because of what he said about just barely covering his bills. He said he's not having as much financial trouble now, and that when he's relocated to an office closer to his home next month he won't have to pay travelling costs to work each day so he will be saving up for our trip. I hadn't even considered that. But he does sound like he's willing so save up for it now. He told me not to worry and that we'll try to figure out this weekend a more accurate estimate of the exact cost of everything so we both know what specific goal to work towards. Now I just have to worry about my own finances I think...which should go better if I know he's in this with me.

 

This might actually happen.

[LovesWar]

I dont mean to burst your bubble but are u actually serious?

 

you are only 21 years old! You met this person when you were 18. Eighteen!

No no no no no. If this does not end in disaster, i would love you to officially step on my doorstep (i will pay the cost) and slap me in the face.

 

Sorry.

 

You have never met - people who meet people and who live together since 16 DONT WORK. you are eighteen when u met, never met before - 3 years later you want to send him money. crazy.

 

Absolutely crazy. Sad thing is you're gonna somehow tell him in a round about way about what I / we have said, and he's gonna say 'oh baby dont believe them they just jealous or this or that or or or or something' ...

 

So easy to read. Im so sorry i dont mean to be a cow. but think about it. Think about how many other young ones hes made fall for him???? You are all sitting there thinking he's a saint ... meanwhile you are all about to fork out your life savings! ! ! ! COME ON

 

a man does not ask for his YOUNGER femal companion for dollars.

 

and he will sit and sit and talk you right out of this cos he knows just what he is doing. he knows you would PREFER to believe him over me / us.

 

Trust me and mark my words.... If you dont listen to this advise now YOU WILL be saying in 8 years time, 'oh xx i should have listened to that strange female online'

 

Believe me. This is a scam and im sorry to break ur heart. the fact u posted hear just shows u were weary. Trust ur gut.

 

A womans intuition is NEVER wront.

[sun]

why do you have to send him money? don't send him anything? how can you have build trust in a person that you haven't even met and has also asked you for money? Why are you taking this risk?? you are very young I am sure you would be happier with a person that you actually know.

[doiiiieeezie]

If he is coming to see you, then it is up to him to pay fully. Not you. If he is wasting money on silly things, why would you give him money only for him to spend it on something that is not in the common interests of both?

 

It feels like a scam. Make him pay fully.

[Jd1983]

Why don't you suggest that he pays for the fare on his own with his credit card and then when he comes here, you can reimburse him. I'm not too keen on the idea of you sending him money prior to him coming here. I understand that you've been speaking to him for years, but just to be on the safe side - I'll wait till it actually happens. Please think about things before making any sudden changes.

[catfeeder]

Why don't you suggest that he pays for the fare on his own with his credit card and then when he comes here, you can reimburse him. I'm not too keen on the idea of you sending him money prior to him coming here. I understand that you've been speaking to him for years, but just to be on the safe side - I'll wait till it actually happens. Please think about things before making any sudden changes.

 

Yep. The big red flag is that you're investing every penny you can save and putting limits on your own ability to live normally and happily among real, live in-the-flesh people who you could meet locally. All the while, he's living a normal and unconstrained life as he makes saving for this trip less of a priority. That's probably because you're willing to split the bill. I wouldn't do that.

 

Biggest question becomes, how often do you expect to be able to see this guy if the expense of a single trip requires such a financial hardship?

 

I'd consider this carefully, because you'll never get back any of your youth--and you're sinking it into an online fantasy with someone who can offer you nothing more than a short staycation that you've spent months to save for. It doesn't have 'success' written all over it. It has desperation and sadness weaved into it, because you're devoting your whole focus to a visit from someone who will need to go home. Then what?

 

Think carefully, and in your corner.

[natdestinee]

Hello

Just thought I would share a bit with you to help you with your decision.

I met a man 2000 miles away on a dating site.

He called me everyday for one year and we used the webcam as well.

I paid for my own transportation to go visit him and he seemed to be the sweet,

gentle, affectionate man I had gotten to know online.

We decided that we would give it a try and I DID NOT LISTEN TO THE POSTERS ON THIS SITE about being so quick to make such a decision.

To make a long story short, I moved to Missouri from California and left eveything behind.

By the way I am 59 yrs old.

I stayed with him for 7 months during which time he was unaffectionate, verbally and somewhat physically abusive.

With the help of a neighbor, I was able to escape when he was asleep and ended up in a shelter for abused women because I had no money at the time.

I am now back in California and vow never to get envolved in a long distance relationship again.

Hope this helps.

[greywolf]

OP, the other posters are right in telling you to be cautious, but I do know people that met people from online and it didn't turn out to be a horrible disaster. Some broke up, some stayed together, but they didn't end up with someone getting chopped into pieces or being abused.

 

I think it's good to be cautious, but I just wanted you to know that there's another side to it too.

[catfeeder]

OP, the other posters are right in telling you to be cautious, but I do know people that met people from online and it didn't turn out to be a horrible disaster. Some broke up, some stayed together, but they didn't end up with someone getting chopped into pieces or being abused.

 

I think it's good to be cautious, but I just wanted you to know that there's another side to it too.

 

I agree, and he may be a perfectly good guy. Problem is, if you set up a relationship that requires months of savings just to see one another, how viable is that really?

[Anberlin]

I understand your concern hearing a story like this and that people can get scammed.

 

Paying for half was 100% my idea, he never asked me for money. I just got a job so my money situation is improving. We figured out that really I can probably just pay $500. The trip won't be until next summer so I won't be throwing all my money away at once, I've got some time to set it aside. I agree it would be better if he paid for his own trip, and then I paid for mine when I go there. Maybe that is an option that will work for us. I only suggested helping with the cost because I was afraid we would not be able to meet otherwise. Sure he has more money than me, but he is not rich. I know how this sounds, but I'm so ready to meet him that the risk with the money is worth it at this point...I only say this because 3 years (actually 4 by next summer) is way too long without meeting. I usually do trust my intuition and I have such a good feeling about this guy that I've kept it going for this long...and now I really feel the need to meet him. It could be great, or I could be really disappointed and he's nothing like what I thought. Either way I need to know.

 

Oh, and just adding this...I know he wouldn't respond in way that tells me not to listen to the posters here. He's never been one to tell me what to do or be pushy about anything. I think he'd see why people would be concerned and tell me to do what I am most comfortable with. I think we could work around this even if I don't pay. Actually he'd probably prefer it if I didn't have to. He doesn't like me to spend too much on his presents so I don't, yet he gets me things that cost more.

 

 

 

I guess I sort of just answered this above, except the dating someone I know part. I get that a lot, and it's something I've had to put a lot of thought into, especially during the first year or two. I've tried seeing other people and looking for other guys, but I just haven't been able to feel a connection with anyone else in that way. There was this one other guy I liked, but it just didn't feel like the right way to go for me. Naturally I just want to be with the person who makes me happy. It just so happens that the one I feel is right for me is so far away. I still meet other guys now, but I just see them all as friends.

 

 

 

Thanks for your opinion. It makes sense that it is up the person visiting to pay for their own visit. I might hint at that since it seems like the easier option considering (if the trip goes well) that I will making my own trip there next.

 

 

 

I like the credit card idea. I'll mention the reimbursement thing and see if we could possibly go that way. That would be easy to mention without it being too awkward as he knows coming up with the money is a bit harder for me.

 

 

 

Yeah, it's a tough situation I'm in. It takes a lot of money just to be together. I'm very happy he's in my life, but sad that this person happened to be so far away. If he were in the same country as me things would be a lot easier. But this is what I want to do and I'm happy, so I'm sticking out. The main thing right now is just the meeting, which obviously might not even go well having never met him in person before. If it does go well enough, then I'll go there next and meet his family. I don't know many trips there would be total, but thinking long term if we were ready to get married I am willing to live in his country (England!). Otherwise I agree, I don't see how it could go on with visits being so infrequent.

 

 

 

I am very sorry that happened to you. I am not yet ready to move, but I will be sure it's not something I'm jumping into whenever the time comes.

 

 

 

Thanks. I do get the impression too that these things can be successful as well as being a total disaster. I just can't wait to find out what he is like in person so I will finally know.

 

 

 

Yeah I guess I just answered that in this post too. I guess I'm just so used to the distance after 3 years. I'm interested in seeing how his visit affects our relationship. More long term the distance obviously needs to end...I agree there.

[Siriana]

If he is coming to see you, then it is up to him to pay fully. Not you.

 

 

agreed. it's just the right way to do it.

[DN]

I don't see why the person going to visit should have to pay all the costs of the trip. The purpose of meeting is to benefit both people - why should one bear all the cost? Certainly precautions should be taken against being ripped-off but that is a separate issue.

[Siriana]

Maybe it's a cultural difference.

I don't know a single guy in my country who would agree to split that cost.