Cheaters who blame their partners.

[arcadefire]

the excuses they give are degrading as far as i'm concerned... they are insult to my intelligence.

 

Haha, tell me about it! We even come from the same university... this is just degrading. Not to mention his ex-gf is from some community college, has a worse job than me, and is overweight. I just don't get life sometimes. But this is off topic.

 

Any cheater who blames the other partner will definitely have karma bite them back.

[loulee]

Justification for extremely poor unacceptable or immoral behavour..many people that shift blame or shirk responsibility do so as they refuse to be accountable for their wrong doings. They are really cowards, somtimes if they are P/A types or have strong narcisstic traits they will ALWAYS do this.. many times this blame shifting goes way back often to their upbringing(controlling/ abusive)...it is a conditioned behavour...some cheaters will actually even believe themselves when they blame others for their own wrong doing..Bottom line is if there is no remorse or sincerity in an apology from someone who has clearly betrayed you or hurt you deeply through a wrong action, then there is never likely to be. These are the types of people whom you do not want or need in your life...they are best avoided

[vertigoxo]

Justification for extremely poor unacceptable or immoral behavour..many people that shift blame or shirk responsibility do so as they refuse to be accountable for their wrong doings. They are really cowards, somtimes if they are P/A types or have strong narcisstic traits they will ALWAYS do this.. many times this blame shifting goes way back often to their upbringing(controlling/ abusive)...it is a conditioned behavour...some cheaters will actually even believe themselves when they blame others for their own wrong doing..Bottom line is if there is no remorse or sincerity in an apology from someone who has clearly betrayed you or hurt you deeply through a wrong action, then there is never likely to be. These are the types of people whom you do not want or need in your life...they are best avoided

 

I'll drink to that.

[nightlady]

I was blamed by my ex-h for his cheating because he said I did not give him enough attention. However, he just recently cheated on his gf of 9 mos with 2 other women. They just don't have any coinsideration for the other person and believe they were right when they were completley wrong...zero self confidence in themselves and worthless sh!t

[WhatcanIsay]

Inability to take responsibility. Self centered. Unrealistic. Immature. Narsacistic through and through. Their favorite song is called, "Its all About Me."

[lostandhurt]

If they didn't they would have to admit what a disgusting human being they are.

They are willing to lie and destroy the people that love them but honesty is a concept beyond their abilities.

 

Such selfish behavoir never leads to being honest with ones self. How could they live with themselves if they were to be brutally honest with themselves.

 

" I am a selfish terrible person that will do and say and hurt you and anybody else as long as I get what I want to make myself feel better"

What are the chances of hearing that?

 

Lost

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

If they didn't they would have to admit what a disgusting human being they are.

They are willing to lie and destroy the people that love them but honesty is a concept beyond their abilities.

 

Such selfish behavoir never leads to being honest with ones self. How could they live with themselves if they were to be brutally honest with themselves.

 

" I am a selfish terrible person that will do and say and hurt you and anybody else as long as I get what I want to make myself feel better"

What are the chances of hearing that?

 

Lost

 

slim to none..

 

mine is still walking around playing the victim ... ppoorrrrrr me boo hoo wa wa.

 

my heart breaks for you buddy.

[vertigoxo]

slim to none..

 

mine is still walking around playing the victim ... ppoorrrrrr me boo hoo wa wa.

 

my heart breaks for you buddy.

 

Ugh. How immature for your person. ](*,)

[Lights]

I gotta say, I don't think there's an excuse for cheating, nor do I believe it's right or wrong. But humans make mistakes. I've read all these posts about cheaters needing reasons to exist, being disgusting people, not deserving any kind of love or relationships.

 

My god, people, what about someone who has an obviously bad lapse of judgment and cheats? It sounds like a freakin' witch hunt in most of the infidelity threads, like burn that person at the stake.

 

Again, I don't think it's ever okay, or that there is an "excuse" for it. But anyone who says they have been PERFECT in a relationship is a liar. Cheating is breaking trust. Have you ever done something big or small that breaks a big or small amount of trust? Because unless someone is a saint, they can't sit here and condemn someone to a life of loneliness and being a tainted individual for cheating.

 

Rant over- and probably useless and widely disagreed with. But it just really REALLY pisses me off when people sit up on a pedestal looking down at other people for the choices they made, whatever reasons they were for...and think they're SO much better than that person that they can pass any sort of judgement.

 

You may not have cheated, but you've probably f'ed up in your life at some point.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

 

Rant over- and probably useless and widely disagreed with. But it just really REALLY pisses me off when people sit up on a pedestal looking down at other people for the choices they made, whatever reasons they were for...and think they're SO much better than that person that they can pass any sort of judgement.

 

You may not have cheated, but you've probably f'ed up in your life at some point.

 

I have most certainly screwed up in my life... but i would never INTENTIONALLY hurt someone- especially someone i claim to love.

 

You mean to tell me that you believe when someone cheats- its like "oops it just happened" ... "oops my pp just happened to fall into your vajayjay"

 

my bad.. my mistake... oopsy!

 

cheating is intentionally hurting someone that YOU made a commitment to. That you claim to care about.

 

Not only that its not like cheating is one of those things where you say- oh its ok...everyone makes mistakes.... its something that will affect that person for a very very very long time and if they decide to stay in the relationship it takes YEARS to build the trust back that you broke in a moment.

 

you find me ONE person that says that cheating didn't affect them negatively .... and i'll eat my hat.

 

TRUST is the basis of any relationship and takes years to build and a second to destroy.

 

and for what? your own selfish satisfaction.

 

i have no desire to defend someone who knowingly hurts another person for their own selfish reasons.

[catfeeder]

I appreciate your thoughts, and while your points are well taken, you may be overlooking the actual topic of this thread, which addresses our views about cases where a cheater turns it back on you and tries to make his or her behavior your fault--as though they didn't have the voluntary option of ending the relationship before taking up with someone else.

 

In my book, this is equivalent to a spouse abuser saying, "Yeah, well, you deserved it..." There's nothing 'witch hunty' about that, it's actual experience and we all have the perfect right to express some pretty indignant and venomous views about it.

 

My best,

Cat

[vivisection-8]

Ayo.

 

Why do cheaters, or people who flirt around, always blame their partners for the way they behave? Why is it always, "Oh well if you could have done this and that, I would have never slept with him/her!" I mean I find that very heartbreaking to be blamed for stuff like that. So why do cheaters do that if they were the ones who did their partners wrong?

 

Insecurity. Shame.

 

 

 

.....And a hefty dose of regret. Masked by fake courage and self assurance.

[lostandhurt]

Cheating is neither right or wrong?

Cheating is wrong! I have heard this kind of thing from cheaters before over and over again with a different spin every time. Cheating is NOT an accident and seems to only be a mistake when they get caught!

Accident: "an unplanned and unfortunate event that results in damage, injury, or upset of some kind" Sorry i fell down and my _______ accidentally went in.

Mistake: "an incorrect, unwise, or unfortunate act or decision caused by bad judgment or a lack of information or care" I am extremely selfish and didn't stop to think how this might hurt you for a very long time.

 

Lost

[Lights]

That sentence was a typo. I must have been thinking something else when I typed it, because my mind is hyped up today. HOWEVER, if you read the whole post, I clearly state in there more than once that I don't ever think it's okay. So after reading that, one might assume that if I don't ever think it's okay, then I don't sometimes think it's right. Please add things up before you slam me for messing up.

[Stonefree]

People are selfish. Some people want everyone to themselves even if they don't want them. It's an ego thing, especially for guys; If they can juggle 2 or more girls, they are "the man" in their social group. It makes them feel big and manly.

 

It's pathetic.

 

I guess being a woman, it seems more predominately a male thing..but I know women like this as well.

[vertigoxo]

I guess being a woman, it seems more predominately a male thing..but I know women like this as well.

 

I understand that women do this as well. Both male and female do it. I just see it more with men wanting to have many many women in their lives for ego purposes.

 

I do know there are decent guys out there that aren't like this, however.

[lostandhurt]

I only knew what you wrote, not what you meant. I did read the whole post 3 times trying to figure out your reasoning. It didn't add up to me. This type of "mistake" just doesn't happen. It takes thought and time to make. So in reality it isn't a mistake but a cold and calculated betrayal.

Lost

That sentence was a typo. I must have been thinking something else when I typed it, because my mind is hyped up today. HOWEVER, if you read the whole post, I clearly state in there more than once that I don't ever think it's okay. So after reading that, one might assume that if I don't ever think it's okay, then I don't sometimes think it's right. Please add things up before you slam me for messing up.

[hexaemeron]

I've said this before, and I'll say it again. I have cheated, and yes, *I* made a choice to do something hurtful and it was not the right choice to make.

 

But it's very ironic that everyone here is saying they would never cheat and they're just so moral and above it all...

 

...That's what everyone thinks, until they find a situation that clearly defies a simple answer of stay or leave. No one sets out in life saying "I'm going to break as many hearts as I can and lie to as many people as possible."

 

No one does that. But life isn't always so black and white. Taking a life is wrong... except in self-defense. Stealing food is wrong... except to feed your starving family. Context is important at looking at any action or reaction.

 

Anyone could cheat. Yes, even you. Yes, seriously, you too. No one ever sets out to hurt someone. No one ever dreams of shattering someone's love and trust. But adult relationships are messy, and they're complicated, and a lot of the time they just outright suck.

 

My current partner moved accross the country to be with me and told me he'd have a job in a month. Three years later, he finally got a job. I ended up assuming the financial and "parent-type" responsibility of supporting us. I became responsible for whether someone else had a roof over his head, food in his belly. You don't know what that kind of responsibility can do to a person when all they wanted was an equal. A partner. Not a foster child.

 

I felt so responsible for him moving out, so I struggled for years with breaking up with him because *I* was the reason he was here. But, as my bitterness increased, his depression and resentment of me increased. I resented having to do everything for this guy, and watching the quality of my whole life, which I had worked so hard to cultivate in my adult life, just flushed right down the toilet. I went from relative comfort and affluence at 26 years old to trying to support a household on one income in one of the most expensive places to live in the US. (San Francisco)

 

So, I flirted. I wanted so much to escape what I saw as Life trying to grind me into paste. To rob me of what little joy I had left. I did not want to be intimate with my partner who turned into a hateful, disrespectful, entitled shrew who excelled at providing me a laundry list of everything I wasn't doing for him, when I was doing everything I could to just keep a nostril above water to keep a roof over our heads. Not to mention his 60-70+# weight gain.

 

After almost 3 years of being faithful, and missing sex, missing being young and independent, I made the choice to cheat. And I'm not going to lie. It felt amazing. All the old instincts, all the old feelings of being young and free... it was like a narcotic.

 

...but I couldn't break up. He had nowhere to go. He was accross the country with no money, no support, no friends since he didn't bother making any attempt to cultivate any. I had no money to give him since because of his presence and lack of work, I kept having to fight off multiple eviction attempts for my apartment.

 

Yes, it was wrong. Yes, I was selfish, but you know what? After giving so much, for so long, for doing the right things, standing up and being the only person around me who was standing up as an adult (He didn't work for three years / Parents got oxycontin addiction and blew through 100k and almost lost their house as this was going on while I tried to get them clean), everywhere I looked, people were looking to me to just support them. To fix everything. To be the adult. Well, there's only so much an adult can take before he buckles under the pressure and does ANYTHING to stop hurting.

 

I did this from 26 years old. I was losing my hair, vomiting, having weekly panic attacks. I was losing every bit of myself and no one in my life cared. My bf didn't care enough to get a job even at a fast food place because it was beneath him, while I begged him that I was mentally/emotionally sinking. My parents only cleaned their act after nearly draining me of my will to even have them in my life. Phone calls doped up through all hours of the night and then trying to grab an hour or two of sleep to pretent to be an adult at work in clothes that don't fit and have holes in them because you can't afford new ones.

 

To those of you who say you'd never cheat, don't kid yourselves. You just haven't been truly tested yet. Be glad for that. Enjoy your illusions. I miss mine too.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

[quote=hexaemeron;3677114

But it's very ironic that everyone here is saying they would never cheat and they're just so moral and above it all..

.

 

saying that someone who says or does not want to cheat is "so moral" or "above it all" is ridiculous as far as i'm concerned.

 

just as this thread suggest.... cheaters who blame someone else- YOU are blaming your partner and his lack of getting work for YOUR reason for cheating.

 

i.e. if he had a job a wouldn't have cheated.. its his fault... i didn't want a foster child...

 

"his fault"

 

well ...if you didnt want a foster child... then - and here is a strange concept- but "gasp" break up with him .. and be "gasp" alone for a little while until you meet someone else.

 

Yes, i'm morally above cheating ..i would never knowingly hurt someone- there is no set of circumstances as far as i'm concerned that justify cheating- cheating is more then just the "act" - its lies that you tell yourself, your partner and the other person you are with.

 

Its intentional, its cruel, its selfish.

[hexaemeron]

Ah, see, here's the rub. If I didn't care, I could have ever so easily kicked him out and had my life back. But I love him. And I feel responsible for him, so basically, no matter what I do, I'm intentionally hurting him. So I guess I should just suffer in silence so that the only person I actually hurt is myself.

 

Sorry, after three years as a meal ticket, I'm fresh out of nobility.

[vivisection-8]

Hex, the king of excuses, did it ever occur to you to be proactive in the relationship rather than passive aggressive?

 

You describe your relationship as if your partner forced you into cheating and you were forced to this and to do that. You don't have the responsibility to take care of someone financially unless you are doing it willingly and if thats the case then you should look to see why the person hasn't gotten a job. Suffice it to say its pretty hard to get a job for people without one these days and its funny to me he got a job in the middle of a depression/recession period. Cheating is a breakdown of trust and a virus which eats away at your capacity to love someone. Due to the breach of trust you are forced to lie within your lies so much that you feel guilt-ridden and a slave to the farce. Cheating is a double edged sword and most people know that. There were alternatives in your situation as there is in every situation and you have to take responsibility for your actions and stop excusing yourself with your boyfriends bad habits. In the end everyone is judged for their own actions not the actions of others which presumably precipitated their bad behavior. You seem to want people to listen to your problems all the time but you are reluctant to adhere to any true sense of regret. Its self righteous to the nth degree because you had a choice and you made the bad one. Accept it and as long as your partner is presumably still with you (i think he must be because you continue to deride him in your posts re: feelings) then you have to forge ahead and make the past the past. Put the past in its proper place as well not the place which makes you look most favorable. You dont need to cling to every excuse or every reason. You did a bad thing. So did he. Neither of you should be using each other as a weapon/excuse to do harm to each other. Youre adults I gather? Be kind to each other and show each other the love you obviously feel for each other (guy A supports guy B who traveled accross the country to be with guy A -- its a bromance novel in the making). Whys it so hard to just be good to each other?

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Ah, see, here's the rub. If I didn't care, I could have ever so easily kicked him out and had my life back. But I love him. And I feel responsible for him, so basically, no matter what I do, I'm intentionally hurting him. So I guess I should just suffer in silence so that the only person I actually hurt is myself.

 

Sorry, after three years as a meal ticket, I'm fresh out of nobility.

 

dude.. you are doing EXACTLY what this thread is questioning- right here in front of us... you did wrong .. and you blame your partner.

 

IF he didn't leave his job and move accross the country to be with YOU and start his life completely over to be with YOU... and IF he had adjusted quicker... YOU wouldn't have had to slave at a job all day to support both of you ... damn him for coming to be with YOU- that RAT!!

 

totally justified excuse for cheating.. completely his fault- yes absolutely- i agree...

 

 

 

(Sarcasm)

[hexaemeron]

dude.. you are doing EXACTLY what this thread is questioning- right here in front of us... you did wrong .. and you blame your partner.

 

IF he didn't leave his job and move accross the country to be with YOU and start his life completely over to be with YOU... and IF he had adjusted quicker... YOU wouldn't have had to slave at a job all day to support both of you ... damn him for coming to be with YOU- that RAT!!

 

totally justified excuse for cheating.. completely his fault- yes absolutely- i agree...

 

 

 

(Sarcasm)

 

Actually, he was unemployed then too. He had lost his job due to a medical issue and rather than have him have to move home to Maryland, I paid for his flight to move in with me ahead of schedule. I had sent him several hundred dollars as well to help him pay his bills before he moved out. I'm not a monster, HHWH, and I'm not saying my choice wasn't wrong. Because it was wrong. But it's so easy to sit there outside of the situation and tell someone what to do. We do it here all the time, but you cannot even comprehend what I went through on a daily basis just to be able to get up and face the next day, every day, for years on end. I did all that I did and still do because I love him. I made a mistake and it was a hurtful one, but don't you tell me for one minute that I was at all selfish because everything I did for YEARS was for him.

 

But then, I'm just a cheater. I couldn't possibly have ever had good in my heart, right? I couldn't possibly have had my own dreams of a relationship of equality and thriving dashed and crushed into powder day by day right before my own eyes. I couldn't possibly have had my trust in him devoured because he wouldn't work menial jobs to contribute because it would cost his ego too much while he expected me to simply do everything for us.

 

No, I'm just a cheater.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

sigh....you truly do not see how wrong it is to blame the other person for YOUR actions? really? you have no remorse for your actions? and if you do .. how you can still sit here and justify it the way you are?

 

dude.. i'm sorry if you came here and said... "i screwed up i cheated.. i handled our entire situation wrong - i should have never betrayed his trust like that...i should have never done that .. i should have handled it more maturely - lesson learned- i will never do that to another human being- i was wrong" i would have a different opinion.

 

instead..you have a big chip on your shoulder... instead you justify it by blaming the other person- he didn't put a gun to your head and tell you to cheat on him... that was of your own doing.

 

take responsibility for your actions.. you did it... only you- it was your choice to handle the situation in your relationship by deceiving and hurting another person- possibly two people because who knows what you said to the other person involved.

 

I'm tired of excuse.. i'm tired of people doing wrong and then blaming the victim.

 

did you just wake up from under a rock? did you not know that cheating was a hurtful, wrong and deceitful? is this new information to you?

 

you were wrong- period.. end of story- stop justifying it .. and more importantly stop blaming the victim.

[hexaemeron]

I just think that if someone's not to be held accountable for their actions/inactions, why should I be held accountable for mine? Quid pro Quo.