Sex drive low lately...and then I said THIS

[SanSerif]

My gf and I of 2.5 years have had a pretty good sex life. Initially, like most couples we'd do it as much as possible; every night, sometimes 3x a day. Then as time passed it changed, and sometimes we'd do it more often, sometimes less. Some weeks, every day, sometimes only twice a week. Sometimes we'd intentionally wait for days at a time to see how much our arousal could build, knowing that the end result would be that much more passionate. This became my favorite way to do it about a year ago. That's not to say we haven't had our 'on-weeks' where we'd do it every day; once in a while twice a day since then.

 

Problem is, today, she seems to want to do it much more than I do. She'll do most of the initiating, and it's usually up to me to make the decision of if we're going to do it or not. After all, sex involves two people who consentually want to participate in the act. If I don't really want to or she doesn't really want to, no one can force either of us.

 

So anyways on to my main point - she wanted to fool around today and she had 2 hours before she had to work. I got severe food poisoning 2 nights ago and am just coming back from the brink of insanity. My car had recently broken down and had to be taken to a shop 150 miles away and fixed for $500. My sister had just come to stay with us from the east coast for one night (last night), and we saw her off this morning. I was day-quilled up and really just wanted to sleep and be left alone until I felt better. I told her this more than once. We haven't made love in 4 days, which is fine by me; I've got some things going on and I also like waiting for passion to cumulate.

 

So when I told her I didn't want to do it, she replied with how horny she was and how much she wanted to and how she can't control it, started getting grabby and I tried to rationalize good reasons as to why I didn't want to. My main reasons being that I didn't feel 100% and it wouldn't be very good, and also that I just wasn't horny at the time. She got in the shower.

 

She came out, and I decided that if it'll make her happy I can do it, so we did it. I managed to get slightly horny but after about 15 minutes had passed and two positions, she asked if I was horny and I replied honestly that I no longer was. She said, "Thanks for trying", and things were alright.

 

Then I said I wanted us both to be healthy, that I had changed my diet and exercise habits over the last 2 months and had seen positive changes. I mentioned that it looked like she had put on some weight. When she heard this she instantly disregarded any of the other reasons as to why I hadn't been horny lately, which are more valid than her weight. She has in fact lost weight since I've known her.

 

She cried. I don't think I've ever hurt her feelings so much. I feel like a part of me died inside. I never, never meant to be cruel. I tried to hug her and comfort her but she pushed me away and cried more. God, I thought why didn't I just shut my mouth. It hurt me so much to see that I had hurt her. Honestly, her weight hasn't ever been a really big problem. I just said it because ... I thought that in the future it might help with arousal since she obviously wants to do it more than I do. I'm in pretty good shape, I watch what I eat, and I do it for her as well as myself. Isn't it fair to ask the same of her? Especially when I'll be more ready and willing to fulfill her sexual needs? I know I could have worded it differently but look at my intentions please. I already feel bad enough as it is.

 

She's coming home tonight and I don't know exactly what I'll do or how things are going to go down. I love her dearly and want her to know I accept her for who she is and how she is and I never ever wanted to hurt her feelings. Ladies? Your thoughts....and guys?

[-Sanguine-]

ah, I can imagine that I'd feel pretty bad if my boyfriend told me that I'd gained weight - chances are, she knew it already.

 

I know you didn't mean to hurt her, so I empathize with you. But you did, and she will most likely be upset for a while, but eventually she will be fine.. you'd probably better make her feel like a goddess from now on, lol.

[diabolik]

The unfortunate reality is that weight is an emotional landmine for most women in the US. And you just stepped on it.

 

I could offer you logical arguments, but I'm afraid that while she's reacting emotionally to your comments, logic won't get you anywhere. Curious to see suggestions from the ladies, or from men who have lived to tell about it.

[savignon]

What a shame.....I can totally feel for you and I also almost cried when I thought about how I'd feel if my SO said that to me (especially if you had just been intimate and were still naked or getting dressed or recently dressed)

Let her know what you just told us. Tell her that you love her the way she is and you really meant to share the excitement and progress of your own health, not belittle hers. Tell her what parts of her body you particularly like and that your comment came out all wrong and that it devastates you that you hurt her when you love her so much.

Then completely back off of the issue in the future.

[savignon]

or from men who have lived to tell about it.

LOL!!

You're right that no ammount of logic can make the hurt feelings go away. Even though it makes perfect sense that you want to have a healthy lifestyle with your bf/gf and have them around for a looong time it hurts to hear that they find you out of shape or less attractive. As they say, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions"

[top bloke]

Get some flowers..red wine. Making up can be even better if you pull it off...

[itsallgrand]

To be truthful, I'm not clear on what your intentions were by bringing that up. ?

 

It hurt me so much to see that I had hurt her. Honestly, her weight hasn't ever been a really big problem. I just said it because ... I thought that in the future it might help with arousal since she obviously wants to do it more than I do. I'm in pretty good shape, I watch what I eat, and I do it for her as well as myself. Isn't it fair to ask the same of her? Especially when I'll be more ready and willing to fulfill her sexual needs? I know I could have worded it differently but look at my intentions please. I already feel bad enough as it is.

 

It sort of sounds to me like you do in fact have a problem with her weight in regards to your level of attraction to her? That the thinking is, if she loses weight and gets healthier, you'd be more willing to have sex with her more often?

 

What was your intention? Just want to understand.

 

Regardless, I think an apology would be a good thing. And letting her cool off a bit. Wrong time to bring that stuff up at the very least. But you weren't out to hurt her, she'll come to see that once she licks her wound a bit.

 

It sounds like you really weren't feeling well nor in the mood, and I'm wondering...if you are starting to feel a bit over pressured by her?

 

hope it all works out for you. sounds like the two of you have a good thing going.

[-Sanguine-]

To be truthful, I'm not clear on what your intentions were by bringing that up. ?

 

 

 

It sort of sounds to me like you do in fact have a problem with her weight in regards to your level of attraction to her? That the thinking is, if she loses weight and gets healthier, you'd be more willing to have sex with her more often?

 

What was your intention? Just want to understand.

 

 

I kind of got the same vibe, but wasn't sure either..

[SayWhen]

Ouch. I can see where you were going in terms of wanting to be healthier...and that would have been a good approach (as in, asking her to exercise with you, cook healthy means with you, ect.) but the mention of a weight gain to a woman, especially at such a vulnerable time as after sex...well, it can be humiliating and very upsetting, which I am sure is why she cried. You are not without hope though. Apologize and say that what you meant was just that you wanted the both of you to be healthy---together. Ensure her that you find her beautiful...not even attractive...but beautiful. Make her a meal, make sure that she understands that you just had "foot-in-mouth syndrome," and take it from there. Maybe even try to initiate sex if you think she'd be down for it. Of course...some drinks would help to lighten the mood

 

Good luck!

[loulee]

I think your intentions were to deflect from your own lack of arousal to sort of shift blame rather than be man enough to say i simply do wish to have sex..well not too worry..

I would advise you to text her AT work and just say sorry i stuffed up this morning feel terrible, it all came out wrong..blah blah....that way she is not stewing ALL day.. then make it up to her tonight and be honest about it all..simple as that..dont let it get BIgger than it needs to be...cook dinner and have something special planned...

[SanSerif]

To be truthful, I'm not clear on what your intentions were by bringing that up. ?

 

I don't really know why I said it. I've been dealing with food poisoning the last few days and flu symptoms, and I've got some outside things that are keeping me slightly stressed. I've been doped up on Ny and Dayquil for the last 36 hours, and she had been pressuring me all week to have sex. I said it and then saw her react and immediately wished I hadn't said anything. My body chemistry has been a little screwed up lately and while I'm not shirking responsibility I would not have said something like that to her if things were normal right now. I love her, I love her body. I really just like waiting to have sex until we both feel passionate. She knows and understands this as we have discussed it many times.

 

I think your intentions were to deflect from your own lack of arousal to sort of shift blame rather than be man enough to say i simply do wish to have sex..well not too worry..

 

I'd be careful to respond so harshly to someone you don't even know. For you and anyone else who apparently wasn't paying attention while reading, I told her repeatedly that I did not want to have sex. I'm not lying. I didn't. Pay attention. Thanks for your 'contribution'.

[itsallgrand]

That's sort of what I thought. You just were sick and feeling out of sorts and at your point. Maybe she didn't understand how ill you felt.

 

Feel better soon. Slip ups happen.

[faithful14]

this is hard because weight is such a big issue, that even saying something in jest about a girls weight will put a guy in the dog house. She will get over it in her own time. Meanwhile, it would help if you just did somethings to help build her self esteem. Apologize and let her know that you do love for her for who she is and that you do find her attractive. Make an effort to compliment her once a day on something whether its "her clothes are cute" or "she looks pretty today". Hit on her, joke with her, flirt, do all that and in a quick amount of time, she will be fine.

[miracle29]

Before I go into my 2 cents can I just commend you for acknowledging her feelings and having a heart about this ? Some men are so cold hearted and selfish. You are trying here and thats huge.

 

Now, I would sit her down and tell her that you know what you said hurt her, and that it was just your way of thinking she would finally exericise with you if you tossed that in. Tell her that you think she is sexy regardless and that its not her weight that has you down in the "negatives" in the horny department. Tell her is the oversex that has you not so gun ho. Let her know that too much sex too many times makes sex get old. It gets expected and like a porn star, you're just going through the motions. Tell her to hold out and make you chase it a little bit. Make you crave her.

 

 

If she did this for just two weeks, guaranteed weight gain or no weight gain..it would drive you nuts. You'd be grabby not her!

[loulee]

I'd be careful to respond so harshly to someone you don't even know. For you and anyone else who apparently wasn't paying attention while reading, I told her repeatedly that I did not want to have sex. I'm not lying. I didn't. Pay attention. Thanks for your 'contribution'.

My comment wasnt harsh or meant to be at all. I was actually trying to lighten the situation so you did not feel so bad infact and is why i wrote "oh well not too worry". i was actually quite supportive and empathised with you and felt you were worrying too much..nothing harsh in my words at all.. And as for responding to someone I dont know well i think that is the whole idea of this forum if we all knew each other we wouldnt be on here!! AND if we wanted opinions from people we did know we also would not be on here. We are all seeking advice from people to gain different perspectives and opinions.. and I stcik by my advice to not let your girlfriend go all day at work being upset a text from you would go a long way now that she will have settled down after the initial upset. I guess for her you had told her lots of reasons why you didnt feel like sex..THEN you went and had sex with her after the shower.. then you made the comment about her weight...so all the other valid reasons you had told her previously in her mind WERE not the real ones ..she would have felt the real reason was just about [/b]her weight.(through her eyes) This is obviously not the case and you feel bad and Im sure it will all be okay after a simple light discussion tonight and a nice evening together...So I dont feel the need to be careful at all and regret that You misinterpreted my "contribution" as harsh it was far from that.

[miracle29]

Well I agree that he may have been frustrated and deflected a little blame, but calling his manhood into question may have been over the top. Though after reading your post I don't think you intended to sting him like that, calling a man out on his manhood is almost as bad as calling a woman fat. Every human has a breaking point and when we feel backed into a corner we can do and say some ugly things just to survive. I think his caring about her was proven when he poured his heart out in this post. I think you care too, or you would not have responded.

 

Just wanted to say that to both of you fellow friends.

[Lonewing]

I hope you get yourself together and soon, because it sounds like you have a really sweet girl. But to step in so many cowpies and so quickly...

 

I'll just be honest - there's an old saying, "if they don't get at home, they're bound to roam." You might look into ways to mentally increasing your sex drive so you can meet her needs. What use is your gorgeous improved body if all it does is look good? And what good is her gorgeous body if you rarely want to have her?

[SanSerif]

Thanks for all the replies, guys and gals. Just an update: She's getting off work in less than an hour, and I've prepared a nice evening for us.

 

The living room is littered with rose petals and leads to the bed which is littered even more rose petals, and a small bottle of hershey's chocolate syrup. I slow roasted a whole young chicken marinated with barbeque and complimented it with curry rice and a Menage A Trois red dinner wine. Most of the house is lit with scented candles. It may sound conventional but it looks really nice. I'm hoping she will be able to relax and we can enjoy an evening together!

[Lonewing]

Sounds like you're shooting high, I hope your evening is wonderful!

[Rose21]

Ouch that is a REALLY low blow.

 

I know you didn't mean to say it and it slipped, but if you honestly didn't think she had gained weight or was fat, you wouldn't of said it. Period.

 

Women are VERY sensitive with their weight. I know if I were to hear that from my boyfriend, I would automatically think that the reason he didn't want sex was because I repulsed him. I wouldn't get over it. I'm already skinny enough, so if he said I had gained weight I would freak out and start working out like crazy, boardering on anorexic. (I have had problems with that in the past)

 

You never know, but "you've gained" weight is one of THE worst things you can say to a woman. And no matter how much you try and make it up to her, that constant thought of "Oh know I've gained weight, I'm not attractive enough for him, he only wants to have sex for him because he FEELS bad even though I know he thinks I'm fat and ugly" Will always be in the back of her mind.

 

Unless your girlfriend has SERIOUSLY put on the pounds, and is just throwing her life away and doesn't care, NEVER say they've gained weight. it will be disaster either way.

 

You can suck up to her all you want, but she'll still be hurt. I think the best thing for you to do is tell her your REAL reasons for not wanting to have sex and say that you've been really sick lately and felt like crap, and feel like it's YOUR fault you don't want sex and you've been under alot of preassure from her, that the first thing that came to your mind was to shift blame on her, but when really it was YOUR fault.

 

Now is the time to drop your pride/ego and point the blaming finger at yourself, tell her it's all your fault and it's you, not her. Basically the breaking up speach, minus the breaking up.

 

And than tell her how she really does excite you and you think her body is fine as is.

 

Because honestly, if my boyfriend told me that, I don't think I'd ever feel fully comfortable around him during sex/naked ever. Even if he constantly told me how beautiful I am, point is he had said it. and no matter what the excuse/sickness, if you didn't think it somewhere back in your mind, if would not of been said.

 

But hopefully she can forgive you, and will make up with you after some great make-up sex!

 

Always a plus

[Rose21]

But the evening does sound truly wonderful.

 

Let us know how it goes.

[faithful14]

awww that sounds very romantic!!! I hope everything goes well!

[SanSerif]

The night went smashingly.

 

We had a good, equal parted conversation when she came home from work and got a lot of things accross to each other. We had a simply magical night in bed and spent the whole day together today. I am so lucky to have someone like her. Thank you all for listening.

[diabolik]

Glad to hear it went so well.

 

Note to self: next time I put my foot in my mouth with a gf, sprinkle rose petals liberally, but Hershey's chocolate syrup (?) and cook dinner.

[Sparkly Eyes]

it's funny how we can say anything to guys, they would not care and still chase us to have sex. You guys can just state a fact and get into lots of trouble,lol.