Jealousy and insecurity ruining my marriage

[kat5]

My marriage is on the rocks. Long story short.... about six years ago (before we were married), I found an email (yes, snooping, bad) from my then boyfriend (now husband) to his ex-girlfriend. This email was flirty and sexual in nature, but could be considered harmless. I flew off the handle; he swore he wouldn't talk to her again; but of course he did.

 

My problem is that I kept monitoring his email, even without him knowing. He kept up contact with her through email, texting and phone calls. All seemed relatively harmless, although my trust in him was broken since he said he'd never do it again. Every time I'd confront him, he swore he wouldn't do it again. This has been going on for about five years with me confronting him about once a year about it. He always lied and tried to cover it up.

 

The **** hit the fan the other night when I saw he'd called her again after swearing once again that he wouldn't. I told him I wanted a divorce. I was sick of the lies and betrayal. We agreed to go to marriage counseling and have had three sessions thus far. Basically he says that since he was doing nothing wrong and that the friendship is just that (friends), that he felt he didn't need to end it and that I was simply being insecure.

 

I'm at a loss. I do believe I have insecurity issues. Part of that stems from his inability to say he loves me (his own issues) or the fact that he never compliments me in any way. I know he loves me through his actions (except for this one!) but he is unable to verbalize it which kills me. I need to hear it. This lie has put me over the edge.

 

I'm afraid I'm driving him away but I also am not getting what I need from him. I feel that I am perhaps a bit too jealous, but that he shouldn't lie to me. He simply wants to avoid confrontation and is like that with everything.

 

I don't know what to do. A part of me wants out of this marriage but another part thinks that my insecurity is contributing to its demise. But if he is unable (or unwilling) to give me any assurances, then perhaps we're doomed.

 

Anyone have any insights? I need help.

[orangesoda]

i don't think you're being insecure, I think your husband is no longer invested in this marriage. (and he wants out, just wants you to be the one to end it, not him).

[savannahohsavannah]

You and your husband have different ideas about what constitutes fidelity. It's like the couple where one partner likes looking at porn and the other considers it cheating! Somehow you have to negotiate a stance here. And I don't think it's going to happen if what you say is true, that he's saying he did not do anything wrong. You feel cheated upon.

 

If a man truly loves you he will move heaven and earth to be with you and it's likely that he will say it...no I don't think I'm being too outrageous here! When he feels his marriage is in trouble he's going to start saying how he feels if he thinks that is what he needs. I think the other poster is right. He does not want to be the one to end it, he wants you to do the dirty deed. I guess that lets him out of some guilt, in his own mind, for falling out of love with you, or for mistakenly marrying you. BTW, I know those are harsh words in your ear, but I don't mean them unkindly, simply matter of factly.

 

In therapy, or at home, you can tell him that you were lied to: he promised he would break ties to this woman and then didn't. Did you ask him why? I think you two are at a standoff and it's your marriage that is likely going to lose.

 

Did you ever ask him why he didn't marry her instead of you? I wonder what he would say? That might be telling as to what happened wtih this woman and your hubby.

[nutbrownhare]

Sadly, forbidding a partner to continue an essentially innocent (even if it does sound flirty) relationship with a member of the opposite sex (be it friend or ex-partner), is the best way to keep any flame alive. So is trying to control anyone.

 

An ex-fella of mine, who never had any contact with previous exes on principle, kept in touch with me at regular - though not too frequent - intervals throughout the duration of his relationship with someone who was insanely jealous of me. There was NO WAY he would have wanted to rekindle the relationship, have any kind of physical involvement, but merely the fact that here was someone who wanted to control him was enough motivation to maintain the contact. And his contact with me dwindled once he'd split up with her.

 

I've had a similar experience with a partner who would not tolerate any contact from me with my previous ex - whom I'd left to be with him in the first place. So for the five years of our relationship, whilst I had no contact, the ex still lived on very firmly in my heart and mind. When I met up with my ex after my long-term relationship had finished - nothing, no spark, nothing. It had all been a fantasy which had built up because of the lack of contact, because it was forbidden. If I'd kept in touch, I'd have kept in touch with the reality of the pretty ordinary bloke he really was.

 

Please, please, don't ruin an otherwise happy marriage over something like this. Maybe your guy is feeling controlled and unjustly accused. Maybe because of this contact (and it doesn't sound like very much contact), she isn't building up into a huge fantasy in his mind.

 

Another thing to consider is ... from her point of view ... would you really want to have anything serious going with a guy who had split up with you, had been wIth someone else for over six years but kept in infrequent contact ...? No, it's going to be friends at best.

 

You're never going to like this situation, and I can understand why. But it has nothing to do with his feelings and commitment to you, which are generally borne out by his actions even if he doesn't speak them out loud. And maybe, just maybe, if he feels less controlled and pressured, he will actually feel able to give you the things you are now demanding.

 

(((HUGE HUGS))) and hope it all works out for you!

[Mavh25]

He is a liar, he is decietful.

 

Why does he feel the need to stay in contact with her? maybe he is diggin his heels in because of the fact you've made her his forbidden fruit by telling him not to talk to her anymore.

 

He sounds like he lies alot. He does'nt even tell you he loves you, he's married to you.. I know how it feels to never be told you're loved, my boyfriend would'nt do it for a long long time. Then we got married and he began to, but its so empty and you crave it when they won't say it you, just now and again. I'm sorry he's not giving that to you.

 

In all to me it does'nt sound like this is a good marriage atall, he does'nt sound as invested as you are and maybe you should follow through on the seperation for a little while. Explain your reasoning, do'nt accuse. Let him know that its not about him talking to her anymore, its the lies thats done this to you guys.

 

How does he expect you to trust and accept when he just lies through his teeth every time. You're not unreasonable as you've put up with this many times now, its time to put your foot down.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

i call BS.

 

If this girl is just a friend.. why haven't you met her? her husband? why is hiding this "friendship" from you?

 

I never knew that being a manipulator also came with cheating- i had no idea that the two went hand in hand.

 

Look at what he is doing- he has you convinced that this is you and YOU are going to drive him away-

 

he is keeping secrets.. doing something he knows bothers you- and not having a care about it in the world.. and then .. on top of that he has found a way to convince you that you are the problem.

 

meanwhile you come here talking about YOU are afraid YOU have pushed him away.

 

did you ever think that HIS actions have caused you to feel insecure? that the way you feel is perfectly normal and natural?

 

your husband has the issue... its callled have my cake and eat it to- its called...i'm going to do whatever i want .. because i'm so wonderful this woman won't leave me.

[25thfloor]

I think he's a jerk. and a liar. total b/s. you lie to me about another women, then the two of you can hook up. i'd be outta there.

[kat5]

Wow. Great responses. I appreciate everyone's feedback. Some more details:

 

This ex of his lives in another country. There has not been the opportunity for any physical cheating so I'm confident that that hasn't happened. I do believe that my making her forbidden fruit has made it that much more exciting for him. At our last counseling session, I said I would be fine with him contacting her so long as he told me about it. We'll see where that goes.

 

I understand the perspective that he is in the wrong. That's how I've felt for so long. But I am beginning to feel that their contact is truly just two friends keeping in touch. It's only every few months or so. I contacted her myself since I was so pissed off about it. He hadn't told her he was married and I think a part of that stems from him wanting to be the hot single guy she once knew. (He's neither hot nor single anymore.) I believe it's a part of a midlife crisis on his part and that she is somehow a safe distraction since she doesn't live in this country.

 

I have been definitely contemplating divorce. I am not getting what I need from him. I've decided to try counseling for a while with him to see if that does any good. If not, well at least I can say I've tried.

[happylady]

"He hadn't told her he was married"

 

Wow

 

I don't know how you can even look at him anymore. I would write this off as a mistake and move on with your life.

[Capricorn3]

This ex of his lives in another country.

 

But I am beginning to feel that their contact is truly just two friends keeping in touch. It's only every few months or so.

 

I have been definitely contemplating divorce.

Maybe it's just me, but I find it kinda sad that you would consider divorce over a woman who lives in another country. I agree with your statement above that it does seem more like two friends, rather than a raging affair or anything serious, which makes it all the more baffling that you would think about divorce.

 

I realise I'm the odd one out and will probably get flamed for this, but I think you made a mountain out of a molehill to start with, and now it's at the point that your marriage is destroyed. I think you're right when you say your jealousy will destroy your marriage.

[catfeeder]

I would take a huge break from making this about him, and I'd make it about myself and clarifying where I stand, instead.

 

First thing I'd need to figure out is whether or not I could handle saying 'uncle' to husband's relationship with this particular friend. This decision is pivotal because the bottom line is, this man will never. never. ever. give up this friend--at any cost.

 

So I'd need to decide whether I could live with that--and with no sulking, accusations, manipulation, or even another word about it. Period.

 

If the answer is no, then no further work or expense would be necessary--because he's not budging on this. Ever.

 

I'd be clear about one thing. There is no way I'd spend the rest of my week, much less my next year or decade, trying to work this man away from his relationship. Either I'd accept it, or I wouldn't--but to reduce my marriage to a power struggle over someone else would not be something I'd be willing to do.

 

Head high, and in your corner.

[kat5]

This is exactly why I gave in to him and said he could talk to her so long as I knew about it. Hopefully he will lose interest once it's no longer so much fun to sneak around. I'm sure she thinks he is a fool anyway, once I told her he is married. She assured me that they're just friends and I believe her.

 

This is a pathetic situation. My head is high. Thank you for your support.

 

I don't believe this is worth ending a marriage over. It's just sad that my jealousy is fed by his lies. It only makes this worse and now I don't trust him and he knows it. I believe that this situation is both of our faults since he lied to me simply to avoid confrontation about this.

 

I love this board and all of the people on it. Thanks for your feedback.

[happylady]

Capricorn3, I agree that marriage is a serious thing and once you make that step that little things shouldnt matter and I wouldnt flame anyone for their opinion on here. There are many times I write something, someone will write something else disagreeing with me and listing their points and I will have a "ahhh they make sense" moment

 

I personally dont put much stock in marriage anymore cause everyone kinda just jumps into it head first without truly getting to know their mates. It gets to the point where what they made them to be in their head is not who they truly are. Plus alot of the time people will just get married for security reasons or just feel that when they reach a certain age that they must be married.

 

To get back on topic, for me personally being friends with someone is no biggie but trust and honesty is. 1. She doesnt know that he is married.. she must not be such a good friend then to not know such an important part of his life... yet they email on a daily basis 2. She never said they should stop being friends until she saw them flirting online 3. He doesnt say he loves her and lies alot of the time, and I believe he is cheating on her mentally (Not everyone believes in mental cheating but I personally do)

 

Now I agree with you that she married him knowing who he was and so on and should take the good with the bad and it def could be worse but I personally wouldnt even be able to look at him anymore, the respect/love would be totally gone. But i will have to disagree that it is not serious, imo it is.

[happylady]

Catfeeder makes a great point

[kat5]

I think I need to clarify one point.... his contact with her is only every few months on average. Sometimes it's more than that, sometimes it's less. But it's not every day. This is where I think I may have over-reacted in my response to him. But my reaction has been based on him lying to me about this... not necessarily that he talks to her.

 

I have accepted that if we're going to move forward in our marriage, then I need to be comfortable with him talking to her. My expectation is that the contact will decrease now that it's not forbidden and plus she knows he's married and probably thinks it's very weird that he didn't tell her. I don't think she is to fault at all.

 

I think he has some issues, most definitely. And I know I do too, mostly stemming from insecurity and trust issues. I am going to attempt to address mine. No more snooping. No more mentioning her. If he talks to her, fine. If not, fine too. I'm not asking so I probably won't know either way.

[Satellite]

Going to counselling is a good thing. He may be holding onto some nugget of that relationship or he may just want to keep contact for his self-esteem sake.

 

What i mean is that sometimes people hold onto old relationships because of low self-esteem. It may make him feel better about himself to keep up this contact.

 

I'm not saying that it is healthy. But when both partners work on self-esteem it can only help the relationship. I'm not sure if I agree with this or not but the counsellor that me and my fiance go to says that people should NEVER be friends with exes. He says that it sacrifices intimacy.

 

Good luck!

[loulee]

I don't know what to do. A part of me wants out of this marriage but another part thinks that my insecurity is contributing to its demise.

perhaps your jealousy and insecurity would make your husband lie to you over any give n situation to avoid interrogation.accusations etc.. HOWEVER this following comment

 

He hadn't told her he was married and I think a part of that stems from him wanting to be the hot single guy she once knew. (He's neither hot nor single anymore.) I believe it's a part of a midlife crisis

 

He hadn't told her he was married

There is NO EXCUSE for this.none and what you have done with this comment is have a think about it and you have tried to justify and also EXCUSE your husbands behavour over talking/communicating with his ex. BIG MISTAKE>

The reason you are likely to have done that is because

!. He has never stopped despite your requests to do so and you continue to put up with it

2. he lies about his contact as he has no plans to cease contact with the ex (DISRESPECT FOR YOU HERE)

3. YOU feel safe about it overall because she is in another country. How would you feel if she lived a block away I wonder?????

the bottom line is ITS NOT ACCEPTABLE to have communications with an ex and pretend you are single PERIOD>>

Dont make excuses for him he is not respecting or valuing you as his wife. at all. I would not entertain allowing HIm any further contact.it is not healthy..it is sneaky..its is not productive to your marriage..ALL I SEE IS YOUR HUSBAND GETTING HIS EGO STROKED BY A WOMEN THAT USED TO STROKE IT, and worse he loves it!!.and he lies about his current relationship status to her, and he lies to YOU about his contact with her..not good enough..[B]make a stand ..to date you have not.[/b].and stick by it..no more excuses about mid life crisis or anything else..its simply unacceptable...

[hexaemeron]

Why do relationships/marriage always turn into the Department of Corrections? All I ever read is people breaking trust, snooping, keylogging, god knows what else.

 

I don't know why I keep having to say this, but relationships ARE NOT PRISONS. You don't own your husband, kat5. You are not the alpha and omega of his life. He's a partner, not a groupie. Not a kat5 acolyte.

 

He's choosing to spend his life with you and if he has a flirty every few month chat with an old girlfriend IN ANOTHER HEMISPHERE OF THE PLANET, you should thank your lucky stars it's something as benign as that. You could actually have REAL problems. Substance abuse, spousal abuse, dirt poverty. Those are problems.

 

The relationship cycle is so ironic to me.

 

1.) Get married / enter long term relationship

2.) Totally break down partner's need for respect and privacy out of personal issues with self-confidence and fear of being alone.

3.) Totally break down any desire for intimacy based on #2

4.) Lose sexual interest because now you have a broken partner and then want to leave/get a divorce.

 

Where do I sign?

[vivisection-8]

Why do relationships/marriage always turn into the Department of Corrections? All I ever read is people breaking trust, snooping, keylogging, god knows what else.

 

You answer your own question before you even begin to chastise the OP.

 

If people in relationships who break trust would not break the trust then it would not be broken.

 

If you ask me, people should stop having sex in relationships so quickly. It clearly clouds their judgment and makes them think starry-eyed about the other person, glossing over grievous differences in the hopes that the other person can be willed into change.

 

I also think that people should steer away from selfish notions in a relationship. Share and share alike only goes so far, mind you. However, prisons in a relationship are not created by one or the other person, but both. Typically there is a chicken or the egg situation, even, which makes it so that neither person gives up the ghost about being an * * * * * * * to the other when - if they were being 100% honest and not caught up in dramatics/theatrics - they would own up to their own crap and not focus so intently on someone else's. All my own opinion of course, but I don't buy that pessimistic view that relationships create prison-like environs without both people being narcissists or greedy.