Please help... I don't know what to do now...

[shockeddismayed]

Lobster,

 

Listen... I have had enough of these "big talks" to know that if you build it up too much, you end up with your emotions getting away from you.

 

If it was me, the one piece of advice I would want (and got but didn't listen to) is:

 

DON'T GET PULLED BACK IN! He wants to talk. LET HIM TALK. I would bite my tongue and keep my answers minimal until he says something definite like "I want to try again" or "I want to finalize things". ONLY then can you tell him what you are truly feeling.

 

I know this sounds like a game, but it isn't... see the thing is that if you start in too early with your own emotions, you can get swept up in them, and forget to hear what they are saying, or worse yet, frighten them into silence, or worse than that, woo them into saying something that they hadn't intended on saying.

 

It is obvious he has an agenda, so let him lead.

 

An PREPARE yourself for the worst and best case scenario. How are you going to respond with dignity? Practice those responses so that they can be delivered calmly in the heat of things, and then DON'T waiver from your message.

 

One way or another you NEED to come away from the meeting with your self respect intact, and you can't do that if you get baited into disclosing more than you should, or if you don't react the way you wanted to to something he says.

 

If something catches you by surprise, count to five before responding.

 

I hope that helps... those who've been following my saga, know that I have a slightly biased view on things, but I'm just trying to emphasize to you that it can be tough when you get in there, and you don't want to regret what happens one way or another.

 

Calm your mind, and you will be fine.

[Lobster]

Thanks for your advice again, Shocked .

 

It really couldn't have happened at a more difficult time to be honest... I have a job interview early tomorrow morning so I'm trying to concentrate on that, do a bit of research and get my head together; then I have all this going on, too.

 

If it's about divorce, am I supposed to agree? I read that somewhere on here... that if you say something like 'yes, I can see why that would be best for both of us', it makes them think, 'hang on a minute - am I right? Why are they agreeing so easily when they are supposed to love me so much?'. I just want to be prepared for every eventuality...

 

I am trying to go through my responses, in my head, to what he may say, but I am also trying to get prepared for my interview and get geared up for that... life is so draining sometimes.

 

*sigh*

[shockeddismayed]

Oh Dear....

 

Why don't you post-pone your talk until Thursday night? That way you'd have time for your interview.

 

Remember Lobster. YOU COME FIRST.

[MrMikeWikowski]

You gave me some really good support a few days ago.

 

Now it is mine turn to offer a hand if you want it. I am reluctant to offer any advice. Especially since this is about divorce - in which I have no experience.

 

But after my encounter with my ex, I would suggest that you not meet him in person. I was devestated after seeing my ex. It brought out way too many emotions, and although I thought I was prepared for the bad news, it was worse than I thought.

 

You need to protect yourself. Don't let him hurt you again. I would at very least wait till later as shcked&dsimayed suggests.

 

If you don't protect yourself, it will hurt worse than it does now. Trust me. Sometimes it is just better to move forward. Keep your focus fixed ahead

 

Take care. Be strong.

 

PM anytime if you need

 

Mike

[Mun]

Hi Lobster,

I agree with Shocked, the less YOU say the better. Let him do all the talking... he may have something to say or he may not.. if he does then let him say it .. if he does not then he will only talk himself in circles.. watch him...pay attention to what he says and to what he DOES NOT say.

 

As for you....try not to let your emotions get the better of you. Stay calm and think logically. Think about it.. if you say "No I don't want to get divorced" what good will it do--realistically. So being emotional won't help.

 

If he says he wants a divorce then agree with him, it might do exactly what you said and force him to re-consider his decision. Show him that you are in control of yourself and your emotions.

 

If he says he wants to work at getting back together then ask him what he is willing to do to make that happen. He has to have a plan right? Well, he should or else it will not work out. Because he is the one that left then it is up to HIM to do his best to win you back

 

If he asks you how you feel about him.. try your best not to tell him. Don't set yourself up to get hurt. Let him tell you how he feels about you first. You might even tell him you are a bit confused and haven't sorted out your feelings yet. He did leave you after all and well you are still in shock now aren't you?

 

PS from his profile message it seems he is assuming that you want to work at this again.. don't let him assume anything ( I think he feels as if he has all the control here) shake him up a bit... keep him guessing.

[Lobster]

Oh Dear....

 

Why don't you post-pone your talk until Thursday night? That way you'd have time for your interview.

 

Maybe the time difference has caused a bit of confusion here Shocked... our 'talk' is Thursday night (ie after the interview, thank God). Still, not sure if I'll be at 100% during it (the interview I mean)... will try and keep focused on what I am trying to achieve .

 

Muneca, I will try my best to let him lead the conversation/subject matter etc. If he asks how I feel about him, I will say "I'm not sure after everything that's happened in the last 7 months"... and not say "I'm not sure, after what you did to me" etc.

 

May try and tell him I'm confused etc... because I know that if I say that, he'll probably say "what about the letter you wrote me" (the one I wrote about 2 or 3 weeks after he left me, the letter that took me hours to write, that was stained with tears and that I hand delivered at 6am to his sister's to make sure he got it)... he'll probably still think I feel that way (even though I do to an extent).

 

But that was then. This is now.

 

Wish me luck everyone. What with the interview, and the the 'talk', I have a very big day tomorrow, whatever the outcome(s).

 

Will update as soon as I can

[Lobster]

I was right... he's been to see a solicitor (on Monday apparently). He wants a divorce .

 

I agreed with him (even though my brain was screaming "but I LOVE you!"). I said, "I think it's the best thing for us both". I think he was a bit surprised I said that. I was surprised I managed to say it at all.

 

He stayed for about an hour and a half. We talked about lots of things... what did I want to do about the house? Did I want to wait 2 years, or find some reason for a 'quickie' divorce? I told him I would need some time to work things out and decide how things would go...

 

I asked him if he could now finally get his stuff that's still here (under the stairs). I didn't even know, but he's actually taken his bike to his parents' house now; just shows how often I go in the garage!

 

I really don't think this will sink in for a while yet. I prepared myself for the worst, and I'm glad I did, or I would be in such a state right now. As it is, however, I just feel... numb. Hollowed out. Lightheaded.

 

He apologised. Quite a few times. At one point, I joked and said, "I hope you realise I'm still expecting a birthday present seeing as I got you one! (July)".

 

I tried to retain my dignity and self respect. Of course, I got a little teary eyed at some points, but there was no begging, no pleading, no trying to change his mind (what would be the point anyway?).

 

He hugged me before he went. I couldn't help it... I kept my arms folded and didn't hug him back. He hugged me tighter. He smelled my hair... he waved as he drove away. I didn't wave back. I just watched him go and came back inside.

 

I need to talk to my parents before I decide anything about the house etc. The mortgage is with them, not with a bank, etc. He said "I can't stay where I am forever, can I?" ie, he wants his 'half' of whatever (he thinks) he's entitled to, so he can get his own place. It's all so... final.

 

My parents are away at the moment travelling. They have been away for 4 weeks now, and are not due back until the middle of next month. I'm not sure I'll tell them about this until they get back - I don't want them to worry about me, I don't want to spoil their break, and also there's nothing they could do right now from where they are. I may wait until they return to tell them about what's happened tonight.

 

So. After 7 months of uncertainty, heartbreak, NC/sporadic contact, hope, and despair... this is it.

 

It hurts .

[Mun]

Lobster,

I'm sending you a long distance hug. I know how much it hurts and being prespared for it doesn't make it any less painful.

 

You know that we are here for you. Post as much as you need. I can say this for you though, you have come a long way. I think your strength will pull you through this.

 

Be strong

Mun

[Lobster]

Hi guys... it's been a while ...

 

Well, nothing's changed. It's all very business-like these days... get the odd email to ask things like, can I leave his video machine in the garage so he can collect... which I have done. I emailed back to say he can pick up whenever he likes (he still has a key).

 

Changed the locks (for reasons which will become obvious); didn't see why he should ever need to be in the house again now that he's made his mind up.

 

I arranged a meeting with him a few weeks ago (in a quiet local pub - no way I wanted it to be in the house for obvious reasons); said I had some stuff I needed to get off my chest, face to face, before all the 'legal' stuff started. Talked about quite alot of things - I asked 'why' (just got the old 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' line), asked if there had been someone else (he still denied it, even though I still think there must have been some sort of catalyst to set this whole thing in motion way back in February); asked why it had taken him so long to come to his decision, and why he couldn't have been straight with me when he first left so that I could start 'healing'... he said that he needed this long to figure out whether or not he'd miss me... and... he realised he didn't Yeah, XXXXXX, thanks for that.

 

Back to the locks thing... he actually managed to get in the house (this was before the meeting) one day while I was at work... not sure how, as I always lock the porch (which he has no key for). So, I get in from work, fill the kitchen sink to do the dishes, go into the lounge to turn the stereo on and listen to the radio... the stereo was gone. He didn't even have the decency to tell me he was going to come for it. Apart from that, I was really angry - he should have known what kind of reaction I would have when I realised the stereo was gone - I thought for a few minutes that I'd been burgled!! It was an awful feeling, and totally unneccesarry to put me through that!! He's been spineless from the beginning about stuff like this. Can't face me it seems. He even waited until I was in Paris (in March) to come and get his clothes etc (while I was in Paris he texted me saying he loved me and missed me... this was 2 weeks after walking out on me - playing with my head or what?). He'd also taken his stuff from under the stairs... so at least I don't have that to worry about anymore. I rang him that night... I couldn't help it... I said 'how dare you come here and do this... how did you get in? (he said I'd left the porch unlocked - how convenient, huh?) how dare you come into MY house and do this, I panicked, I thought I'd been burgled'... I got the line I was expecting... 'I still pay towards the mortgage, it's still my house too'... well I kind of snapped. I said, 'yes, you pay towards the bricks and mortar, and we both know why. This is MY HOME, how dare you come in here... you left, you have no right to be here. If you want your things you either arrange a time to come and get them, or I put them in the garage and you collect them'. He apologised (!) and agreed with me... he said he could see my point of view and that it would never happen again.

 

Anyway, before we had this 'meeting', I bagged up all the Christmas/Birthday/Valentines cards he'd given me over the last 9 years, and gave them back to him the night of the meeting (in the carpark afterwards - didn't think it would be right to dump them on him in front of loads of other people - I am bigger than that). Gave him back various other things that I couldn't bring myself to throw away, but at the same time didn't want to keep - lots of photos of us on holiday, at bike rallies, family parties etc. I feel like I need to cleanse my life of him, however much it hurts... I need to do that. Is that an odd thing to do?

 

Sorry this post is not very ordered - I had alot to get out and have a hard time lately putting things in order/making sense of all this...

 

So. In a nutshell, this seems to be it. Finito. Full stop.

 

It still hurts, but at least I know what's happening now. At least I know not to secretly hope we will ever be together again.

 

It's still going to take a while, I know that.

 

I read somewhere once (on this forum maybe) that for every year you were together, you should equate that to a month to 'get over it'. But, when they only come to their decision 8 months after leaving, to me, that's when the healing starts. So, I have a long way to go.

 

I'll try and post a bit more often too. I have missed you guys, your advice, and the boosts you give me when I am down.

 

Any comments welcome, especially those of you who know my story right from page one .

 

Big love x

[shockeddismayed]

Lobster,

 

I am really sorry for the way things worked out. It is terrible that he couldn't be more up front with you right from the beginning...

 

Although I suppose there was a great deal of truth to his confusion... ie he really DIDN'T know if he was making the right decision, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

 

This is the type of selfish behaviour that you will likely start to resent from him... if you are like me, you'll be looking back over your relationship for other examples of him just being in it for him. I'm not sure that is a terrible thing to do either... it will give you what you need to say "I deserved better".

 

It's unfortunate, but sometimes people's true colours come out when the going gets tough. Take pride in the fact that you were able to forgive his indescretions and attempt to reconcile, yet he couldn't seem to look past himself. Be glad that you have plenty of time to find someone who will give 50-50 to the relationship in the way that you deserve.

 

Also... I hear you about "the healing starting now". I know that is how it feels right now, but you also know the path to recovery very well... you've been treading down it for months. This latest interaction has been traumatic for you, but it will pass more quickly, and you will find yourself right back at the self-empowered YOU that you were emerging as. Trust that.

 

Also.... now that you have your closure from him... do yourself a favour and resolve yourself to say "YES, THIS IS HIS FINAL DECISION AND I WILL NOT LET HIM WAIVER FROM IT". You are going to be going through a divorce, so I imagine the finality of this process will weigh heavily on you both. The truth of the matter is that you are likely MORE prepared for it than he is. This may be the first time he has to start truly dealing with his actions. DO NOT let his first feelings of "cold feet" and that he "might be making a mistake" rattle your resolve. KNOW that these mixed messages WILL come, so that they don't disrupt you from your healing process.

 

If by some strange twist of fate, he changes his mind, the messages will be loud, clear and REPEATED. So don't listen to them until they become unrelenting.....

 

That is what you deserve (and will find).... UNRELENTING LOVE.

 

All of my best to you Lobster!

[Lobster]

Shocked... your reply has given me a huge lump in my throat... and a huge smile on my face .

 

I am finally starting to tell myself that I do deserve better, after so many months of beating myself up about everything...

 

I forgot to mention in my post that I also went to see my Doctor a few weeks ago, just to talk about things, and he said that I should pity XXXXXX, and even forgive him, because he does not know what he has lost. Hearing that gave me some kind of inner strength too (I have had the same Doctor since the age of 3 and am almost 35, so he knows me very well!).

 

He also said that when I have come through this, my inner strength and resolve will be so emanating, people may shy away but at the same time, be attracted to that. He used a lovely analogy... he said 'people are born like rough diamonds. Every trial and tribulation they go through creates another facet. These things shape them and polish them. And when you think there is no hope, the light will shine from you and people will be drawn to you, and there will be nothing you can do about it. You will be strong and polished and perfect, and you will be something that people are drawn to'. How lovely is that?

 

It sounds selfish (but, hey, I feel I have the right to feel like that right now), but I do hope he gets the 'cold feet' 'might be making a mistake' feeling, because if that happens, he may realise what an utter s**t he's been, and what he's (almost ) lost.

 

IF he changes his mind, there's going to be alot of convincing he will need to do... if not, well, I will keep telling myself as long as I need to... HIS loss... and whatever I deserve will come to me, whenever/however that may be...

 

I am so glad you are still around... you have given me so much help, support, and inspiration...

 

I love this place... it's like coming home

[shockeddismayed]

Lobster...

 

I LOVE what your doctor said to you. Those were some fabulous words!!!!

 

I have to tell you that they resonated quite a bit with me. I am about 1 month ahead of you in this crazy scene, and there have been days where I've felt a bit more like a diamond than a piece of coal... that old, ultra-positive S&D was coming back out. And on two of those days, do you know what happened? Two pretty, COMPLETE STRANGERS came up to me and asked me for a coffee while I walked through the hospital (work). I'm 29 years old, and I've NEVER had that happen to me... and then presto, two in the space of a week when I was feeling up.

 

So I guess it just goes to show you that your doctor might be right.... when you recover from something like this, it feeds into your positive energy and aura.... you've come back from a dark place, and people will recognize your resiliency.

 

I have already seen your "lift" coming back lobster. I know you feel down this week, but it will pass quickly.

 

PS: When you say you still hope he'll have those feelings of regret, quickly follow that thought up with "but I won't let myself fall for it or trust his words right away... I'll only trust his (repeated) actions".

[Lobster]

 

I have already seen your "lift" coming back lobster. I know you feel down this week, but it will pass quickly.

 

Here's hoping! I know I still feel down at times (better than 'all the time' like before), but I am becoming more able to cope with this stuff with every day that passes...

 

PS: When you say you still hope he'll have those feelings of regret, quickly follow that thought up with "but I won't let myself fall for it or trust his words right away... I'll only trust his (repeated) actions".

 

I will also remember this... there's no point in believing things will change (IF he changes his mind that is) after one outburst of regret and apology etc... repeated, repeated, repeated... that is what I will need to hear/see, should the situation arise...

 

Man! This place is the best ever! How could I have been away for so long?

[Mun]

Hello there Lobster,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this once again, but I am glad for you that you finally have some answers. As you say, now you can truly begin to heal and move on.

 

Your husband has no idea what he is losing. You are a person who cares about her relationships and that is something that I know you will carry with you to the next one.

 

Be firm with him and even if he starts to second guess himself---know what you want and don't fall back.

 

It was smart of you to change the locks--this sends him the clear message that you expect him to do the decent thing and contact you when he wishes to get things from the house. He has to respect your space now.

 

You are doing fine. Stay strong and keep your chin up.

[Lobster]

Hi Muneca,

 

I agree when you say I care about my relationships... however, lately I have been concerned that I may never feel like being in one again after all this; what I mean is, if someone who I thought loved me and would be there forever can do something like this, then there's a chance it could happen all over again. I feel a protective wall being built around my feelings with every day that passes, and I'm scared that if the time for a new relationship ever comes that no-one will be able to break it down - and that I won't let them even try to, either. Is it wrong of me to feel like that?

 

I feel angry at him for causing me to have these fears. I have never been a vindictive person but to my shame, I sometimes find myself hoping that some day, someone will make him feel as desperate and useless as he made me feel; that they will hurt him just so he knows what it's like and what he's left me with... and having these feelings makes me not like myself very much at all...

 

I'll try to be strong and keep my chin up though; nothing else I can do really. I'll worry about everything else when the time comes.

 

Thanks again for your advice and understanding. I think my Doc was right about the 'rough diamond' theory .

[Mun]

Hey Lobster,

I know exactly how you feel. After my divorce I remember thinking: I will never be this hurt again. This was the topper... and I have told the same thing to my friends who have since divorced. I think after going through something like that you learn to walk away, it's not so hard anymore... and you build walls.

 

In the (almost) decade since I divorced I have dated a few people. I never fell in love again...until this last one. It hurts. So I can say to you not going to be easy, but you still need to go on living....and dating when the time comes. Don't stop your life because this one did not work out. You are still young and should find a partner to share it with. Just take your time.

 

You need to get through this one first

 

LOVE

[Lobster]

Hi all,

 

well, about 2 weeks ago I had my first letter from his solicitors ...

 

It said that I may be aware that they have been advising him in relation to our "unhappy matrimonial affairs". Nice.

 

It goes on to say "our client is anxious to resolve the financial position between the parties" (I'll bet he is), "and would like to do this on an amicable basis, if at all possible" (WHY should I be amicable? He has made this thing so long and drawn out, and made me think all that time that there may have been a chance of sorting things out - WHY should I make it easy for him? He even waited almost 9 months to get round to telling me he wanted a divorce... )

 

They want to know my "view on the value of the property", to see "an outstanding mortgage statement and details of your income, expenditure and other assets to include your pension".

 

I am so mad right now. I did some working out the other night, and for the last 9 years I was contributing 46% of my monthly wage to the joint account; he was contributing 36% of his - and he is on ALOT more than me. He now seems to think he's due to 50%, when he NEVER put 50% IN... either money or effort wise.

 

Assets? Assets?! I HAVE none. How could I save anything when I was putting everything I could into the house/bank account?! As for my pension... it's probably worth diddly squat anyway... what's going on? This is just ridiculous...

 

I am sooo angry!!! I hate to say this, but, I intend to fight this. There's no way I will just hand over 50%, and rights to my pension, after what he's put me through. No way on God's earth.

 

He abandoned me, our marriage, and the marital home, without a thought for anything or anyone but himself. I have coped with all of this alone, with a meagre "supplement" of £140 from him once a month...

 

Now, it appears he wants to be compensated?! I think if anyone should be entitled to compensation it should be me... I waited, hoped, hurt, suffered, and cried; and this is what I get.

 

This sucks. Big time.

 

Any thoughts, anyone?

[Mun]

Hello there Lobster,

Oh I can see why you are upset. I don't blame you.

 

First off : Happy birthday.

 

Second.. get yourself a good lawyer. Go in the prepared, don't believe everything his lawyer says... empower yourself.

 

Best of luck

[Lobster]

Hi all,

 

have had a second letter, basically saying the same thing... none of the questions I asked in my reply to the first letter were answered (no surprise there, then ), though his solicitor has informed me of how much my ex thinks the house is worth... and it's a totally ridiculous figure! There's no way the house is worth as much as he's telling them... I have decided (after speaking to my parents) to call his bluff on that one - I have said that if he pays me half of his figure, and repays what my parents are owed, he can have the house.

 

I intend to get a solicitor of my own after the New Year (which HE can bloody well pay for seeing as I have nothing, not a bean)... let the games begin 8).

 

 

Oh, and Merry Christmas, one and all

[ticklebug]

Lobster

 

I didnt go through your whole post, I have a feeling just by the one age of posts I read you have been going through a lot.

 

If it has not been advised already, until you get your own solicitor, do not answer their questions, do not make any offers, do not sign a thing. From the little I read you are being taken advantage of by his solicitor due to your lack of knjowledge of divorce procedure and the law.

 

If anything, write them a letter stating you are retaining your own counsel and until that time you will not be discussing any more matters.

[Lobster]

Hi Ticklebug,

 

thanks for your reply and advice; yes, this is a long-running saga... he left in February and I have been posting here since April...

 

I won't be signing anything, I haven't answered any of their questions (though I have asked them plenty of my own in my two letters, haha!), and will definitely be getting legal advice in the New Year (I can't really afford it, but I have no choice ).

 

I have more knowledge about legal matters than they think I do... I'm just not letting on .

[Lobster]

Hi everyone, I'm still alive and getting on with things .

 

The divorce is now going through - he was going to serve on ME for MY unreasonable behaviour... so I got in first, more for my own peace of mind than anything else.

 

My income is so low I qualify for Legal Aid or whatever it's called... so at least that's something.

 

It's a very slow process, what with the house matters also having to be sorted and what not, but I'm just leaving everything up to my solicitor.

 

Yesterday was the first anniversary of him leaving me. It was a bit of a milestone; I thought that if I can get through a year, I'm going to be ok.

 

Hope everyone's well .

[Mun]

Hi Lobster, glad to see you are doing well now. Good luck with the divorce. I hope you have good legal help, stay in close contact with that person so that things go to your satisfaction.

 

Chin up girl !

[OhioSt8]

I think the "no-contact" rule can be very effective if you can do it. It's true, "absense makes the heart grow fonder", and he'll tend to wonder about you and what you're doing. While you're away, you'll gain new things, and become more interesting to him when you finally do talk again. You'll have more stories to tell, new friends, new clothes that he hasn't seen, maybe new things in the house, etc. You'll also gain a new confidence in the sort of new life you have built for yourself, and this new confidence will be very appealing and attractive to him. Trust me, I know this from experience.

 

 

I'm sort of in the same situation, except I'm the man. My wife and I have been separated (not legally) for about 13 months now, and I love and desire her more now than ever. We originally sort of mutually agreed to split, although she really pushed for it. She got her own place with our 4 yr old daughter, and I was sort of forced to stay with my sister because of lack of finances and resources. At that time I was convinced that I was better off and happier without her, and she wasn't, and she was constantly calling me and e-mailing, being very mean and emotional, but wanting us to work it out. she pushed me further away by being so mean and accusatory, and just made it easier to live with our decision to split. I understand all of it now, because I've turned into this emotional wreck, and now do and say things that I would have never done before. She called me one day last year and left a very nice voicemail for once, and was humble, soft, and just said something about missing me, instead of the usual "you're a bad husband/father", "you're immature", etc. When I got the voicemail, I immediately called back because I love it when she's nice and humble instead of putting on this fake mean/strong front. We dated a few times and I stayed at her place sometimes. I quickly fell right back in love with her as the girl I originally met. She somehow didn't feel the same. She has created this whole new life, with new friends, and a new job which she's very successful at, and she's just not wanting or needing me anymore. Here we are a year later, and I've been trying very hard to win her back, and I've looked for every reason to blame our failure on me so that I could fix it, knowing that she won't try. I've made changes to myself for "us", and will continue to do so. She on the other hand has seemingly not accepted any responsibility, and hasn't tried to change anything for "us". I've always been considered a very strong person (to a fault) that's insensitive, that doesn't cry, doesn't let emotion get into my decision-making, doesn't let anyone manipulate me, blah blah blah... Well, I've cried more this year than ever, and often times for reasons I'm not even sure of, I've become more emotional when it comes to pretty much everything in my life, and I'm definitely letting her manipulate me like a puppet. She won't commit anything to me, she doesn't show me affection at all, I have to kiss her, and even then it's like kissing a wall, and she rejects sex all the time, but usually uses excuses like she too tired, she on her period, etc. I've dated many different girls during all of this, but I totally would rather be with her than with anyone else in the world anytime. She knows that I've dated, and she gets really angry at me, and proceeds to tell me how bad I am for telling her how much I love her and want to be with her each day, yet can still go out with another woman. I see it that she has no leg to stand on with that argument. Again, I would much rather be with her, but she often times doesn't want to be with me, and when she [allows] me to be with her she won't hardly even look at me, it's more like 2 men hanging out watching tv. I'm a hopeless romantic, and very affectionate and "touchy-feely", and to have to hang out with her all night and not get affection from her, or even as much as a look into the eyes is torture! I tell her every day (text, e-mail, phone) that I love her so much and want to be with her, and I'm very aware that this is probably turning her off and pushing her farther away, but with technology today making communication so convenient, it's so hard to not contact her, and to not just send her a quick text saying "I miss you", or "i love you". I do think that she's not really seeing that she could lose me for good, so maybe the "no contact" rule would be very effective if I could follow through with it. It's just very hard as I said, and we do have a daughter together. I'm not forgetting about my daughter in all of this by the way, I'm just with the belief that my wife and I have to work ourselves out, and not use our daughter as THE reason to work things out, or not.

The bottom line is that I want to be with her more than anything else in the world, and am willing to make the changes necessary on my part, but it seems very one-sided. I truly believe that I was at least 65% of the reason we split, but I'm willing to make up for it, and change. I'm to the point now though that I feel like she's not going to giv in, and allow herself to love me again. She doesn't look at me through loving eyes, and this causes her to see me in the worst light when we're arguing or debating, and it also causes her to disrespect me when I tell her my feelings. She tends to tell me I'm being a "child", and she becomes very insensitive, something she accused me of our whole time together (funny how the roles are reversed).

Sorry for rambling on YOUR topic. Feels kind of nice to let this out.

 

I wish you all the best, and of course I'm hoping for the best with my situation.

[Lobster]

Don't worry about replying here, I can see the similarities... apart from a few in my case, being...

 

We didn't mutually agree to separate, he walked out on me, and didn't even have the guts to tell the truth about why he was doing it - I had to find that out the hard way

He already has someone else - she's the one he left me for, and they're still together over a year later - I won't go into how I know this (too long winded), but I do

The divorce is already going through

We haven't seen each other face-to-face for about 5 months now

The last contact we had was me texting him to ask him to pick up his stuff from the garage (I made sure to be out when he called - and even then he didn't take it all!)

 

I haven't dated anyone, or even met anyone - I'm still not ready by a long way and besides, I don't even get out to meet anyone (this is explained somewhere in this long rambling thread!). I can count on one hand the number of times I've been out since he left - and three of those were work-related do's .

 

I really don't see anything changing as far as the 'relationship' is concerned. It's dead and gone now, well, almost. I still miss him sometimes, but I try not to think about it as I see that as being a waste of my time and emotions, also as being a backward step on my road to recovery.

 

I'm sorry I sound so negative, but I'm just facing up to the fact that it's over for me; hopefully you will fare better in your situation.

 

I really hope things work out for you - it's too late for me, I know that - you sound like you have a good handle on things. Stay strong. I'll be thinking of you .