Please help... I don't know what to do now...

[DragonGirl724]

YES YES YES!!

 

and muneca is right. Lobster u are pretty much where i am too & like u said u think hes panicing i feel the same i think my ex is a lil scared too (hencing why i sent a light upbeat email to break the ice), b/c he started IMing me alot again & now hes offline for days at a time. its good to know gals like us can move on with our lives. i know i have sooooo many plans this summer & none include my ex. and wen/if he does call ill be surprised if i am even available. im surrounded by numerous friends & i like my job. im always meeting new people at my poolside bar. so its funtimes all around. im glad ur doin the same. keep busy & surround yourself w/ ppl who love u. your confidence & independance is a major turn on to a guy & it is a very sexy attribute in a female. a lot of fems are insecure & dependant. there are no danzels in distress here!! jus strong heroins. keep up the great work!!

 

MUNECA: lol how do i scare u? im a peaceful dragon lol.

 

--------

 

-DG724

[Lobster]

Had a great weekend with my friends... and guess who happened to phone on Sunday?

 

I hadn't been online since Thursday night, so he was probably wondering what I was up to, haha! Anyway, he asked if he could call over to do something to his motorbike, I said ok, I'm in, pop over. Didn't tell him about my guests (not until he arrived, that is)... he was all kind of "oh... I was hoping we might be able to do something together", so I replied with "well it would be nice, but I can't really leave my guests, that would be rude". He left after about half an hour looking a bit dejected...

 

He rang again last night, asked if it was a "convenient" time (sarcasm?) to call over again. He called over, we had a cuppa, chatted, watched TV for a while. He kissed me. I let him... it was nice. Very nice. Too nice. I made sure it went no further...

 

He's online right now. I have not contacted him and don't intend to. I am a bit concerned though about letting him kiss me last night.

 

Have I made a big mistake? Or reminded him of how nice it feels? This is harder than starting No Contact was! Argh!

 

Any suggestions?

[shockeddismayed]

Lobster...

 

I'm so sorry I didn't reply earlier. I read through everything up to the post where you asked for some replies after hearing very little for 16 days... then my boss walked to my door... and I haven't been on here since.

 

Anyway... I COMPLETELY sympathize with you regarding your situation. I too am having trouble dealing with the post-NC confusion. My would-be fiancé (ring shopping might have scared her off) has been putting in efforts to sort herself (priority 1a) and us (priority 1b) out recently. She is going about it completely analytically so far (no surprise, she is a psych phd student)... asking me to write my thoughts out, having chats on the phone, her seeing a counsellor for the first time, etc. We had a brief hug after dinner on Friday, but it only went as far as her saying "you still smell wonderful".

 

On your side it sounds similar in its uncertainty (what is causing your confusion) but different... you've started what *might* be courting behaviour before tackling the serious relationship issues. I have to say that I think the way you are going about things might be better (and perhaps more fun, wink wink)... but not necessarily easier, and potentially more emotionally dangerous. As long as you realize that, you are safe.... don't get lost in the endorphins... try to keep some healthy perspective (which I think you are doing very well!) and keep close to your peaceful place. On the positive, remember that at least you will both have a chance to remember what you are fighting for by going this route.

 

I'm with the others... keep on keepin' on. Let him make the effort... encourage but don't overwelm. When it comes time to challenge on "us" and the issues, I think you will know. More than likely he will bring it up soon.

[Lobster]

He's actually contacted me tonight (in fact he's still here) and mentioned 'things' in a very general way... he said things were getting to him... "us, work, living here" (ie his parents'). Then he said "at least you have your home". I had to bite my tongue so hard when he said that; I just wanted to say "and whose fault's that?"

 

Shocked... don't worry that I might get carried away... I have thought about the consequences of that and it's not something I want happening. Even though it would feel great at the time, the feelings afterwards would be far from great, so it would be a big no-no.

 

I just don't understand why he's being like this. Is he testing the waters (ie, my response/lack of)? Reminding himself of how it felt to kiss me? It's so confusing. If he at least asked me out I would know what his intentions may be, but if all he wants is physical stuff then I'll have to back off, and fast. That's not what I want, or indeed need. I don't want to bring anything up with him either... I wouldn't know where to start; also I think he should be the one to bring things up.

 

I think I just have to keep on the way I have been - looks like it's going to be a long haul journey!

[Mun]

Hey girl, what if your hubby kissed you because he just wanted to kiss you? No hidden agenda. Enjoy it and tell yourself maybe he wanted to feel some closeness to you. I think you are right to expect him to ask you out and he probably will soon ( he said he wanted to do something later-that one day he came over) You sure don't want to get stuck with him at home where its more dangerous ( the bedroom is right there) if you don't want to go that route yet.

 

Since he is the one that wanted out in the relationship you are probably right to let him bring up the issues. Being mature and not throwing things in his face ( you have your home-thanks to who?) is the best thing to do. You want to move forward in this not back. A healthy relationship begins with maturity on both parts.

 

It sounds like you have really come along and NC has worked for you (to grow).

 

Love

[Lobster]

muneca, you're right. He probably did kiss me just because he wanted to kiss me. It's hard to not read into things that maybe should be taken just as they are; at face value. I will bear that in mind if it happens again.

 

You're also right about the bedroom being right here... which is exactly why I maybe panicked a bit too much!

 

I'm glad I did the right thing biting my tongue when he mentioned me still having my (ours, really) home. The last thing I want to do is scare him off by being nasty and confrontational. I hope I surprised him by not snapping back at him.

 

I actually feel proud of myself at how far I seem to have come; how much I've learned about myself during the last (almost) 4 months since he left. That I can survive on my own (even though the money part is a bit of a struggle). That I took a step back and let him have space when all I wanted was for him to come home. That I don't feel bitterness towards him and what happened.

 

I wonder what the next instalment will bring?

[Mun]

Lobster your life is like a soap opera and it makes this post so interesting...just kidding !

 

I read something in a book, although I can't remember which book it was that said " when you nag you are the problem, when you don't nag and go away He deals with the problem" That may be what he is doing now, figuring out what he has to do. Or maybe not but it seems like you are no longer the problem here ( to him) do you notice?

 

Hang in there and be strong. The important issues should be discussed but when both of you are rational and you can talk things out ( no screaming or emotional). There are probably issues both ways , it takes two, and you will have to find a solution when the time comes.

[Lobster]

I have to admit, reading back through some of my posts on here, it does sound a bit like a soap opera... but it's good that I can see it too I suppose!

 

Something sprang to mind earlier that he said when he called last Sunday about the bike (when my guests were here), he asked if I had watched the last 'Friends' and the start of 'Big Brother' on the Friday night (we always watched them together). I said I was too busy but had taped them to watch later. He had this kind of wistful look on his face and said "I saw them. It felt really strange watching them... you know... without you".

 

I think maybe he is realising that I was not the whole problem all along; that I was just part of why he was unhappy, and that now I am not around and he's still unhappy (or seems to be from what he's said), maybe he's really thinking about things now that he hadn't thought about before, while we were together... like you said, "figuring out what he has to do".

 

We are forecast good weather for the weekend (ie the kind of weather bikers love ). Maybe he will be getting in touch "about the bike" again over the weekend... maybe even tonight? Who knows?

 

Tune in next time... etc etc

[Lobster]

Sorry, this is a bit of a long post...

 

Surprisingly enough he texted on Saturday morning about the bike...

 

He called over early (9am). The battery was flat (again). Put it on charge, went to his guitar lessons/teaching for the day. He rang at around 5.30pm but I wasn't in. He left a message. I called him back. He came back over at around 6.30pm...

 

Everything started off fine. Cup of tea as usual, sat in the garden for a while, watched TV, light flirting (more on his part, but I did reciprocate when I felt I could/should). Then he got more persistent... kissing, trying to touch me . I can't say it wasn't a nice feeling, but I had to keep stopping him... I didn't want things to go further; and besides it was making me feel uncomfortable. I mentioned his visit earlier in the week when my guests were staying; when he mentioned that it might have been nice to do something together. I asked him what he would have suggested doing had they not been there. He said "I dunno... just... hang?"

 

I calmly explained in the best way I could that although it (the physical stuff) may feel great at the time for both of us, afterwards I would not feel good about myself... that I would be taking a step back... that I didn't want to feel like that about myself... that if he wanted that, it should be for the right reasons... He even wanted to stay the night! No, no, no!

 

He apologised. I know that he meant it too. We hugged for a while. We parted on good terms. He held my face while he kissed me and was very gentle (not sure if it will help to know this but he's 6'2" and I'm 5'4", so he's a bit of a giant; or am I tiny?). He's calling again in the morning to put the battery back on the bike...

 

He msn'd me tonight again. Happy and friendly on both sides. Was only on for a few minutes. Nothing said about his visit earlier.

 

So, the realisation/dilemma now for me is... I cannot go on seeing him like this. I feel like he wants me physically, but nothing else. It's hard thinking that, but that's how I feel. The physical attraction is still there for me too, but I feel more than he does by the looks of things. I have not mentioned anything about 'us'; I have not questioned him in any way; I have not made any 'moves'. If the only time he ever wants to see me is in my (our) home, how am I ever going to get away from this situation of him trying things on with me? If we still find each other attractive (which is obvious from our last few meetings), and we still think the other is funny, good to be around, happy etc, what is the problem? After 9 years together, you'd think I may be able to fathom all this out. I wish I could get my head around it all...

 

I am getting the distinct feeling that him asking me out is something that's getting more and more remote. I cannot be 'busy' when he calls - my friends are all over the country, I have a few within a 20 mile radius that I see every other week or so; I have no money to afford a new hobby that would get me out of the house; he knows I am always here or at work... what do I do now??

 

Please, any suggestions, bar going AWOL?

 

Argh! It is all so frustrating! I need red, and fast!

[Lobster]

Sorry folks - another long one...

 

 

 

Oh God. This is getting worse, not better, and I don't think there's a damned thing I can do about it...

 

He called over yesterday morning (Sunday) for the bike. Everything ok. Everything pleasant and friendly.

 

Came back. Had cuppa. Watched TV. Kissed a bit; mistake. He wanted more... again. He persued the intention also...

 

I stopped us and explained again that it would not be a good idea for anything to happen... for either of us (even though I meant 'me' - as far as he's concerned, I am a woman, not his wife I think, and that hurts).

 

Again we parted on good terms, but he was frustrated... in that way.

 

He contacted me online later...

 

He mentioned being frustrated. I couldn't help myself....

 

I asked if he thought I was only here for sex. He evaded answering the question.

 

He repeated that I still have my home (just after saying "it's ok for you... I get to live in a room"). He disappeared. Texted to say he'd got cut off, again.

 

I have seriously had enough now. I will not be used like this. He can tell how I feel, ie I still have feelings. Big mistake to show that, even though I tried so hard to keep my feelings under wraps.

 

I can also tell how he feels... ie that he thinks I am here for sex (even though there would be no chance of that); that I am at his beck and call; that I am still waiting for him...

 

I cannot go on like this. I am starting to feel like I did when he left, and I will NOT go back to feeling like that again.

 

I think I need to do NC again for a while... but after what has happened in the last 2 weeks or so, will I be able to make it work? He contacts me most nights aleady... he would know I was ignoring him...

 

I might as well just give up on our 9 years now, I think. I have seriously had enough.

 

Any input whatsoever will be VERY welcome

[Mun]

Sounds like a tough situation Lob and one that I can honestly relate to. The best thing to give him the message that you are not there just for sex is to continue to say no. He might be trying to make you cave in and feel guilty for saying no by reminding you that you have a home and he does not.. but.. whose choice was that in the first place? Wasn't he the one that wanted some freedom?

 

The best way to avoid this situation is to not invite him over. It seems like he is using his having to "work on the bike" as an excuse to be in your home. Try not to be alone with him there. If he want to see you he will have to invite you out. When he says he has to come over maybe you can tell him you will be out or busy-even if you are not. Take a long bath.. read a book...anything can keep you busy it doesn't have to be a night out on the town. Indulge yourself in doing things for yourself and maybe avoid the instant messages. Whatever works !

 

Try not to feel like an object, You are not One unless you let him treat you like one... be good to yourself !

[Lobster]

Thanks for the advice and input again, Muneca.

 

I never thought of the 'making me feel guilty' thing... you are most likely right there. Why should I feel guilty? He left... he said he didn't love me any more... he didn't want to try again... now 4 months later I am supposed to fall into his arms/our bed? No way!

 

I think the only 'good' things that have come of this are that he has seen how good I can still look (like when we met), that I can indeed survive without him, that he still finds me attractive, that I can be friendly, funny and happy. The other stuff... not so good.

 

He kind of invites himself over; however I am not helping matters by agreeing to it every time, am I? Being alone together is also not helping, not if it's at home anyway.

 

I can't avoid being online as it is my only point of contact with my friends around the country; however this does not mean I have to answer him when he contacts me I suppose.

 

I think NC again for a while. To get my head straight again. I will think of this as a momentary lapse in my recovery.

 

Will update again as usual when there's anything to report.

 

Who invented 'love' anyway? I would like a long talk with them I think...

[Lobster]

Argh! Why does everything get so complicated again?!

 

So I'm sitting in my bathrobe, having a quick chat to a friend online before having a shower, when the doorbell goes... guess who?

 

Called to see 'if there was any post'. I put kettle on and go and put clothes on... do NOT want to be sitting around in bathrobe when he's round... not good idea.

 

Things a bit cooler tonight. No advances, etc. I am pleased, but at the same time, puzzled. He stayed for about an hour, gave me a quick kiss and hug before leaving...

 

What the hell is going on?

 

Now I can't even do NC 'cos he turns up unannounced... how rude and inconsiderate!

 

Short of closing all the blinds etc, how am I supposed to make out like I'm not here? Maybe the fact that my car is on the drive is a bit of a giveaway... If it weren't for the garage being clogged full of bloody motorbike(s) and related paraphernalia, maybe I could actually put the car away...

 

I am worried about sounding off about this to him incase it scares him off for good - I know I should not care, but like I keep saying, I refuse to give up on 9 years of my life... not yet anyway. NC is fine; I can do that, I know I can because I have done it already... but... what about when I have no choice in the matter ie him turning up out of the blue??

 

I want to run away! But I know 'it' will all still be here, or follow me anyway. I am running out of ideas, and fast...

 

Help!

[shockeddismayed]

Lobster...

 

Telling him to respect your space is NOT implying that you are giving up on 9 years of a relationship.

 

You need to explain to him that he's broken up with you, thereforeeee he needs to respect your space. He's welcome to come by and get the mail, but he should pay you the courtesy of calling first.

 

I don't think this is negotiable.

 

If he is coming by for "other" reasons, he can still do so, he just has to announce himself first.

 

Best of luck.

[Lobster]

Thanks so much for your input, Shocked.

 

When he does call by (announced/arranged or not), I get the feeling he is trying to make me feel like he's doing me some sort of favour; that I'm somehow honoured by his presense... ooh, lucky me!

 

I have not exactly done my best to show him I am not at his beck and call... that's why I thought about doing NC again. I had it all set straight in my head last night to do that, then tonight happened...

 

I want to be somewhat 'accessible', but at the same time, not appear like I am 'waiting' for his every contact; ie I want to see him when it's convenient for ME. That's why I think it would be too hard to go back to complete NC... although I do think minimal contact may be good for me for a while. I have to show him I am not 'waiting around' for him...

 

I am still waiting for some kind of 'breakthrough' - good or bad. I just will not be the one to initiate it.

 

I'm hanging in there!

 

 

 

Thanks again to everyone... keep the advice/views/pm's coming! I get alot more help from each and every reply! You are all such an inspiration!

[Mun]

Sounds like someone wants to move back in.... just kidding! But it sounds like he wants to see what you are up to ....dropping by unannounced. You may be able to rush him off with excuses that you are about to leave next time he shows up like this but your best bet is to firmly but nicely let him know he must call first. You might have guests over or be on your way out.. right?

 

You seem to be so much more stable now and NC seems to have done its work on you. You know what you want out of this and probably wont settle for less. I do understand how hard it is to be strong when the person you care so much for is right in front of you. I don't think there is harm in a small hug and casual kiss but nothing further...remember this is the man that dumped you and thought you were disposable.. he can hurt you again-beware. Protect your heart. As long as you know what you want you can stay on the right track and ask for what you want when the time comes and he initiates that "talk" Good luck to you !

 

PS I think the "talk" is more likely to come if you remain firm and dont give in to him. He wants to be close to you, you have something he wants. Negotiate for what YOU want when the time comes.

[Lobster]

Thanks once again for your take on things muneca.

 

I do feel alot more stable these days, and I know that's all down to NC. It was hard, but I kept at it, kept reading/posting on here to keep my spirits up, and it's definitely paid off for me. I know it doesn't always work for everyone; but in my own situation, I felt I had nothing else to lose by doing it...

 

I also feel more able to cope with whatever may come my way in the future; be it trying things again with him, or going it alone. Of course I would prefer the former, but whatever happens now I know I can get through it, because I have already had a dress rehearsal!

 

I will just take each day/situation/meeting as it comes, do whatever I think is best at that time, and see what happens. I intend to remain firm - I will not give in to him, however tempting it may be. Like you say; he hurt me once, and he could do it again. This time around though, I am armed with knowledge and strength I did not have before. Maybe he should beware?

 

I am Lobster! Hear me roar!

[shockeddismayed]

Thatta girl!

 

Good for you Lobster!

 

I like Muneca's advice too.... however one thing that worries me is what happens if the "talk" isn't as cut and dry as we all dream about.

 

I mean we just assume it will be an "I want you back right now" talk. But in some cases it is a lot more subtle than that "I think I want to work on this, but I'm not sure. Why don't we do X and Y, and talk about Z".

 

This is what is happening in my little drama these days. We're talking about us... but it is like negotiations... long, drawn out negotiations. We're both getting emotionally drained b/c she is too afraid (of falling for me before she's ready) to do fun things to keep the mood light... there is no "dating" we simply meet up for couples counselling without the counsellor.

 

I'm finding myself soooo tired simply b/c I haven't had a break from this since day one... whereas in our EXs case, I think they've had a LITTLE bit more distance from things.

 

Keep this in mind Lobster... if indeed your chat is around the corner, you need to be prepared for the marathon that might follow. I think the only way you can do this is to continue to pack in as much "you" time as you can... find the things that relieve the tension and make them habit. Cuz once the talks start to happen it is WAY TOO EASY to fall out of those habits and start overanalyzing things again.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is take your time now to clear your head.

[Lobster]

Thanks, shocked .

 

I haven't really given much thought to the "talk", and what might happen after that... possibly because I still get the feeling it's a way off yet; but I will keep in mind what you have said and continue to work on myself.

 

In all honesty (and I for one never thought I'd hear myself say this), I am hoping that when the "talk" does come, it won't be a "I want you back right now" talk. I will not jump straight back into a full-blown relationship with him, because how do I know he has been working on himself, like I have been? How will I know he has acknowledged that he's not perfect either? That is something that he will have to show me over time, should we decide to work on things.

 

It is unthinkable for me right now to share this house with him again... and that's a really strange thing to feel, but it's not something I could do so quickly again. We were together for over a year before we moved in together; and as far as I'm concerned, should we take the route of working things out together, it will be a fresh start, and definitely a good length of time before it happens again.

 

I hope things get better for you soon, shocked. It sounds very wearing for you, and not at all pleasant. I agree; our exes don't realise how tiring it all is for us - too much thinking does sap energy. Hang in there, and keep flexing those mental muscles! I'll be rooting for you .

[shockeddismayed]

Thanks Lobster...

 

I'm rooting for you too!

 

However... I disagree with what you said about not wanting your ex to say "I want you back RIGHT NOW". This is EXACTLY what you want... and then you quickly follow up with "well, I suppose I could try, but what are YOU going to do to make things better"... That will give you more control on things than you've had in a while... and control is empowering.

 

Speaking of which... start by taking control of your privacy. Call him on his unannounced visits. This is important.

 

With my EX and I it seems that neither of us feel completely in control. On the one hand she is still very confused about what to do next, and on the other, any comments that I make about "not being sure about trying again" (which by the way I've recently realized were complete BS on my part) appear to be magnified in her head.

 

It is VERY strange.... strange indeed. I feel a great deal of optimism about us... but at the same time I'm not so confident I can keep my patience to make this work.

 

We shall see.

[Mun]

Too much talk and not enough doing S&D. How bout telling her.. "next 3 dates no talk about us, let's just go have some fun together"

 

Too much talk about the relationship feels like WORK and who wants to Work when you can have fun? There is a time to talk about things and that is after you have figured out if you still enjoy the time with each other. Don't you think? That's why I tell Lobster that she should shoo him away from her house.. if he wants to see her he can ask her out. Go out with him and then see how that feels... and if the Talk comes.. then have it...but have some healthy exchanges first, like a nice date

 

You might talk about the relationship to the point where you wonder why you even want to give it another try. Getting emotional, getting upset ...and arguing.Avoid this.

 

When you have to talk about it.. ask the other person what she/he is willing to do to make things work and then offer what you are willing to do to make it work. Also ask for suggestions about what he/she thinks you should work on.. and LISTEN.

[shockeddismayed]

Thanks Muneca...

 

I don't think Lobster will mind if I reply in her thread

 

I agree with you about the "too much talk" comment.

 

I've even spoken to my EX about it. Her response is that she KNOWS she will still have a wonderful time with me... thereforeeee she's resisting doing it right now cuz she wants to feel that the issues could be "workable" first... whether we both have realistic expectations of how hard it will be to get through this.

 

The girl is an overanalyzer (actually, the unfortunate part is that she is halfway to being a psychologist, and can't seem to figure out that a) she's only halfway there and b) she isn't in an objective position to counsel us through this). Actually.. that's not totally fair. She's made appointments for counselling herself.

 

Anyway, she's admitted that she's worried of simply falling back in love with me if we just hang out for fun... says she isn't ready to be blinded. I think she is frightened that she'll fall again... and that the issues will still be there.

 

We had that big discussion where we laid everything on the table.... I resisted it, but she was happy that I followed through, and had said that "it might be the last thing she needs to think about before being ready to try again... we agreed on almost everything... so there was very little arguing.

 

Last I spoke to her I said "ok, we did your list of issues.. now lets to a top-10 list of things you'd look forward to if we work this out." She was excited about this, but when I reminded her at the end of the conversation ("look forward to maybe seeing you when you get back... maybe we can share those top10s."), I think she felt just a bit pressured.

 

However in a conversation the next day she admitted that the "heavy lifting" of things was making her tired, and admitted that I'd told her so without me having to remind her. So I think she was realizing we need to lighten our load together... perhaps the reason she agreed to the top-10 list.

 

We'll see... she'll be back from her conference/trip in 10 days (or earlier). My birthday is next Wednesday, so I'm sure I'll hear from her then. (Wouldn't it be nice if I get the "I'm ready" call on my Bday!)

[Lobster]

Thanks to you both for the input once again (and Shocked, of course I don't mind you replying in my thread we're all one big family here).

 

However... I disagree with what you said about not wanting your ex to say "I want you back RIGHT NOW". This is EXACTLY what you want... and then you quickly follow up with "well, I suppose I could try, but what are YOU going to do to make things better"... That will give you more control on things than you've had in a while... and control is empowering.

 

Speaking of which... start by taking control of your privacy. Call him on his unannounced visits. This is important.

 

Shocked - I think the reason I am hoping not to hear that is because I'm not sure I'd be able to make him understand why I couldn't do that right now without him being his usual stubborn self and saying "ok, fair enough, bye then" ... however, if he does say something along those lines, I shall be ready to say what you have suggested, ie, that I suppose I could try, and also ask him what he would do about making things better. Good point about the privacy thing too... I have mentioned before that I feel I have been too accessible to him at times; this will have to stop!

 

 

Too much talk about the relationship feels like WORK and who wants to Work when you can have fun? There is a time to talk about things and that is after you have figured out if you still enjoy the time with each other. Don't you think? That's why I tell Lobster that she should shoo him away from her house.. if he wants to see her he can ask her out. Go out with him and then see how that feels... and if the Talk comes.. then have it...but have some healthy exchanges first, like a nice date

 

When you have to talk about it.. ask the other person what she/he is willing to do to make things work and then offer what you are willing to do to make it work. Also ask for suggestions about what he/she thinks you should work on.. and LISTEN.

 

muneca, I think he has (we have) figured out that we both still enjoy each other's company. It's comfortable, easy, familiar. So shoo I shall! If he wants to spend time with me, why should I have to sit in the house watching TV with him, when we could be having a nice meal or a drink, or even having a walk on the beach? I am hoping there is going to be some kind of "date" invitation soon... if there is none forthcoming, should I initiate it? I am getting a bit disillusioned with the same old same old. That was one of the things I had a problem with before he left... the only time we spent together was in the house... any "going out" was him with his friends, while I stayed in... bad habit!

 

I think that may have been one of the things about me he didn't like. That I was happy to stay in while he went out with his friends. At the time, I thought if it as giving him his "away time"; not trying to "control" him. I think he interpreteted it as "she doesn't care". In fact, before I started NC and we were trying to work things out before it all went wrong again, I even said that to him. That at the time, I had thought I was doing the right thing; that I did it because I loved him and always knew he'd be coming home to me at the end of the night.

 

 

 

 

I think I shall just keep on the way I am going, with slight changes. I will still let him initiate contact (I think NC has served it's purpose for me so far) however, I will make it clear that I am not too keen on unannounced visits; also that I am not available at just any time to see him (even though in reality I may be); and that I am not exactly enamoured with spending our "quality time" together sitting on a sofa staring at a box in the corner of the room!

 

Hope I am understanding things a bit better. I'm sure either/both of you (or any other interested party) will let me know if not

 

Big love!

[shockeddismayed]

Hey Lobster...

 

I think there was nothing wrong with the way you were giving him his space before.... but I'm not the one you should be asking. Make a note to bring it up as an issue to discuss during "the TALK". It could be you were giving him space that he needed... or that he really wanted you to come out with him, or even some combo in between (ie he wanted to go out alone, but the fact that you didn't ask to come along somehow hurt his feelings).

 

The thing is that neither of you communicated effectively about this issue (or you didn't notice it). These are some of the things that you learn when you've had space to reflect. You'll both have to discuss things clearly and frequently if you decide to give things another go.

 

It's great that you are coming up with some of these things now... that is what this time is for (in addition to working on you).

 

I think I shall just keep on the way I am going, with slight changes. I will still let him initiate contact (I think NC has served it's purpose for me so far) however, I will make it clear that I am not too keen on unannounced visits; also that I am not available at just any time to see him (even though in reality I may be); and that I am not exactly enamoured with spending our "quality time" together sitting on a sofa staring at a box in the corner of the room!

 

 

This all sounds like good stuff to me... however rehearse this conversation a few times before you let fly. Keep in mind that you don't know how he'll interpret it. As you've said, he isn't the best communicator, so depending on your wording you could really hurt his feelings or get his back up. Be firm, but kind... for example: "I don't think it is appropriate that you stop by unannounced. If you need to pick things up or work on the bike, I would really appreciate knowing when you plan to be stopping in. If you are only stopping by to see me, you are welcome to, but again, if you call in advance you'll know whether I'm available or not... and we may decide there is a more interesting place to meet... perhaps we could grab a pint at _____".

 

I know that puts yourself out there a bit... but at the same time, he's shown that he wants contact, so it won't hurt to reciprocate just a bit. Embedding it in a forthright/firm message about your privacy also helps to lessen the impact of both the positive parts and the negative. And you might as well keep him thinking just a bit.

 

I only say this so that you keep in mind that even though our EXes initiated things, they don't always see things in the same light as we expect they will. Often they are quite hurt too, so they are just as likely to over-react to any negative messages coming their way.

 

Good luck!

[Lobster]

Be firm, but kind... for example: "I don't think it is appropriate that you stop by unannounced. If you need to pick things up or work on the bike, I would really appreciate knowing when you plan to be stopping in. If you are only stopping by to see me, you are welcome to, but again, if you call in advance you'll know whether I'm available or not... and we may decide there is a more interesting place to meet... perhaps we could grab a pint at _____".

 

Shocked, I am printing this out as I type, and plan on keeping copies next to the 'phone, in my purse, and next to the pc (incase of online contact).

 

Thanks for the good luck wishes too... right back atchya!