Please help... I don't know what to do now...

[Lobster]

Hi everyone! Feeling positive today... the sun is shining, I have lots to do to keep me busy, and I'm going out tonight with a girlfriend (and a few of her friends I've never met before) for music, dancing, drinking, laughter, and contact with real live people! Yes!! So it's gladrags on, head held high, big smile... and deep breath!

 

I'm not sure what to expect, ie how I will react should a guy come over and talk to me (panic, perhaps? Haha!), but I'm looking forward to getting out of these four walls and enjoying myself .

 

Still maintaining NC - the last time I spoke to him was about the mix up with the bill/bank account - though lately I have been thinking about him and feeling a bit down... I suppose there will always be peaks and troughs throughout this though - no-one said it was going to be easy .

 

This is only the 3rd time (!) I have been out since he left (for reasons detailed in previous posts)... wish me luck!

[Lobster]

Had a great night out, laughed and danced, felt good about myself... so why do I feel so low again? It's been 3 weeks now since I started NC (with a few hiccups along the way), and two and a half months since he left.

 

Do others go up and down like this? Does it start getting easier? I feel like it's getting harder and that the longer I stay away, the less chance there will be of him contacting me (he always could be a bit stubborn).

 

It hasn't made that much of a difference putting his things out of sight, redecorating, etc... the problem is that after 9 years together, I have absorbed this man into the fibres of my being, and I can't think of any way of getting around that. I am so very frightened that the next contact from him will be about a divorce, and I just don't understand why he stopped loving me with no warning signs, nothing... I still love him as much as I always did, and miss him terribly. It hurts.

 

Please, if anyone has any advice for me, please post here/pm me... I am crying as I write this. I feel so broken.

[sugarplum_pdx]

Hi Lobster,

I don't really have any answers but I wanted you to know I read your posts and I feel your pain. It hasn't even been quite as long since I got dumped by my ex, so I can't tell you how long it takes to get better. But I know exactly how you feel when you say you are feeling great one minute and then feeling so low the next. And how it doesn't really help to put the reminders of him out of sight.

 

I think you're doing well ... just hang in there. Keep the contact with him to a minimum and keep it light, just to keep yourself from being hurt any more than necessary. Everyone has told me it gets easier with time, so that's all we can hope for, right? *hugs*

[Lobster]

Hi sugarplum, thanks so much for the hug, I really needed it! *hugs back*

 

I haven't had any contact with him at all for a week now... I know the whole point of NC is exactly that, but do you think I should be keeping some small channel open? Maybe I should be doing 'MC' instead (ie minimal

 

I just hope that soon there are more up days than down, because it's really draining (as I'm sure you know yourself). I am not looking or feeling very healthy, I am still not sleeping, and I still have to make myself do things to keep my mind active, even though most of the time I can't really be bothered.

 

Hope you're hanging in there, you seem to be coping really well, and like you said, getting easier with time really is all we can hope for...

[sugarplum_pdx]

The longest I went without contact was a little more than a week ... and he was the one to contact me after that, but it was about him bringing over some stuff I left at the old house. I knew that was coming, and I was kinda dreading it because I didn't want THAT kind of contact with him .. i.e., contact that just reminds me that it's over! I ended up telling him to just take the stuff over to a mutual friend's house that he lives near... I said I'd just get it from the friend instead. I think he was shocked ... he was like "are you sure?" and I told him if he ever comes over to my place, it should be because he wants to see me and wants me to be in his life in some way. He said he agreed and said he'd rather come over when he can visit. I told him that if he ever had time to think about things and had anything to express to me, I would listen, but until then I wanted some distance. He said ok. I felt like I had some power in the conversation for once! I said what I wanted to say, but didn't get emotional about it, and I called the shots. Then after this weekend, the mutual friend told me he said "I guess she never wants to talk to me again" and acted sad about it. Ha ...

 

Anyway, I think minimal contact is okay ... it depends on what kind of contact. Sometimes my ex will send me links to a web page that he thinks I'll want to read, or I will do the same. It doesn't bother me too much as long as it stays pretty non-personal. I do not wanna hear about anything he's doing like things he has bought for his new place or things he is doing without me. As long as I am maintaining my emotional distance for now, it's okay. The important thing is that I am taking this time to learn how to be on my own. As time goes by I feel less like I "need" him. I'm starting to feel more comfortable living alone. My goal is to feel truly fine about living on my own, and know that if I have a guy in my life (him or anyone else) it's just a bonus, not a necessity. I'm not there yet but I'm working on it.

 

Well now I've talked way too much about myself but I hope that maybe you relate to some of what I've said and can take some kind of encouragement from it. I'm going through basically the same thing you are, though ... it's a day to day process.

[Lobster]

I said what I wanted to say, but didn't get emotional about it, and I called the shots. Then after this weekend, the mutual friend told me he said "I guess she never wants to talk to me again" and acted sad about it. Ha ...

 

That's great to hear! I think that's what I need to be able to achieve... for him to actually realise that I don't need him, and that instead of me losing him, maybe he's actually lost me. Hopefully my NC so far has gone some way towards getting that accross to him.

 

If I find anything online he might be interested in or would laugh at, maybe I'll forward it on, in a way that doesn't imply I am after a reply of any kind. You are right too about not wanting to hear what he's up to or what he's been buying for his new place; I don't really want to know my ex is up to either, because I know it would take me two steps backwards again.

 

There may be some hope for me (still no solicitors letter etc), but I will just take every day as it comes, and remind myself that I'm not alone in all of this.

 

Thanks again for all your words and thoughts... if you ever need to pm me you know where I am.

 

We can get through this!

[taytay]

Me and my girlfriend just broke up after 3 months of a wonderful relationship. What I don't get is that the reason of the break-up was that she started having feelings for my good friend (they went out for 2 years). I really want her back and it's only been 1 day since we broke up. Right now she's st school so I have plenty of time to think because I'm suspended because i got into a fight because some kid was making fun of her. SUM1 PLZ HELP ME!

[sugarplum_pdx]

Lobster - Yes, I think that is what we both need ... to feel that they are the ones losing something, not just us. I don't necessarily believe in all the little "tricks" to get back your ex ... as in, acting like everything's great so your ex will be attracted again. Rather, I believe in actually trying to FEEL great, and not care if your ex is attracted again or not. I think that is the only way they really do want to come back ... when they know we don't need them anymore. And the best thing about it is, even if they don't come back, we'll be fine. So, being able to feel fine on your own is a win-win situation -- if you get him back, great ... but if you don't, you're still okay.

 

I'm just glad I'm at the point where I have some control. Now that he doesn't have my stuff, and we've returned the keys, and both moved to new places, he has no "business" reasons to contact me and I am not dependent on him in any way. That was the best thing about telling him to drop my stuff at a friend's house -- proving I don't need him for anything. That was a switch, because when we first broke up I felt like I needed him for everything. I gave him the impression that I was gonna be lost without him and I wanted him to still have dinner with me and help me out with things. And he agreed to that, because I think it was good for his ego. But now I've told him no ... that's not happening. We aren't going to see each other until he's had a chance to think about what he did to me and what he's losing by dumping me.

 

Keep hangin' in there ...

[Stingseed]

you are both on the same page now. I have joined that page as well not to long ago. My ex dumped me for another guy. Now 3 months later she still calls me for simples questions and at time to let me know she thinks of me and what not. I in return tell her that these thoughts of hers are nice but actions speak louder than words and leave it at that. She in return tells me she is not onones gf. I dont even go into that with her until it is something I wanna hear. My point is that I agree with you guys and it is the best way to move on or get them back. I applaud you guys. When they feel like they lost you then they will make there decesion as wheather to come back or not but by then whcih ever the case may be we are ready for eiterh road. Nice work guys.

[Lobster]

Sugarplum... I'm glad for you that you've reached the stage that you have, and I applaud you. You are a very strong person, and I agree that we need to show them they are losing out, not us.

 

I have a bit of a problem in that he still pays towards the mortgage (probably because he hasn't reached any kind of decision yet thereforeeee still has keys (not that he'd come over when I'm not in, I know he wouldn't), so we aren't quite at the same stage you are with your ex. I stashed the last of his things/relationship reminders away today, out of sight, and I found it very upsetting (some of it was wedding bits and pieces), but it was something I had to do. I swore to myself (out loud) as I cried, "I am NEVER going to let him make me feel like this EVER again, this is the LAST time I cry over him". I refuse to feel this bad for something I had no control over, and that I didn't even see coming. I think I have reached the anger stage now... if he had turned up today for any reason whatsoever, I think he would have been leaving in an ambulance... .

 

I need to calm myself now and do my best to just get on, and heal myself. There's nothing I can do now, so I am going to stop stressing myself out over it, and just be me. I intend to keep hangin' in there, as I hope you do too, and I hope I reach your stage soon and feel a bit more calm about everything.

 

 

 

Stingseed... thanks for your encouragement and lovely words. We all need to stay positive and look after ourselves, otherwise who else is going to do it? I intend to concentrate on me now; he may still have house keys but this is where I live, he chose to leave, and I'll be damned if I can't feel peaceful and happy in this house!

[Lobster]

Hi everyone, hope you're all ok . I've been feeling alot better since Tuesday, hopefully that will continue!

 

Well, on Thursday I applied (online) for 12, yes 12!! jobs. For several reasons...

 

1) I need to be bringing more money in now that I am running everything on my wage alone (apart from the little amount he transfers every month); I have found it very hard keeping afloat and need to do something about it

 

2) I like the idea of meeting new people who have no idea about what has happened to me, and how depressed and messed up I was - this means they will not constantly be asking 'are you ok?', 'have you heard from him?' etc etc (I know people are only showing their concern, but it doesn't really help that they keep reminding me about it )

 

3) Hopefully I will make some new friends, and in turn get out and about a bit more, making even more of them!

 

4) More money = more chance of being able to start that new hobby/be able to afford to join a gym, one of my biggest goals!

 

So far, I have had replies about 2 of them - I had a call on Friday morning, and the agency are going to forward my details on to the company, so fingers crossed for that... another (and this is even better news) sent me an email on Friday, asking me to call them on Monday... they said they didn't feel I was suitable for the position I had applied for however, they had another in a different office (that just happens to pay £3k a year more than the other position they have), and would I be interested in applying for that one? Would I? Think I'll be ringing first thing tomorrow on that one, yes?

 

I will let you all know what happens...

 

Something else I did the other night; sounds a bit odd and I don't know why I did it, but it seems to be helping me... I stuck post-it notes in various places around the house, reminding me stuff like 'HE left', 'you don't NEED him', 'you ARE worth it!', etc (I even have one stuck to my monitor right now!). Now when I go in a cupboard, empty the bin, turn the house alarm on, go to the medicine cabinet etc, I have these things reminding me of why I have to keep going and stay positive. I know it sounds a bit bizarre, but it seems to have cheered me up so thought I'd share incase it helped anyone else.

 

Well, that's my ramble over for today... hope everyone's staying positive, and feeling good. We are all in this together, and I just want to say HUGE thanks to everyone for all your help so far! I would't be feeling like this right now without the people here; and I'm starting to feel a little stronger every day!

[Lobster]

Hi again .

 

He contacted me online last night (first contact for 2 weeks). Asked how I was, what I'd been up to etc. I kept it friendly and light, no mention of anything about our situation etc. He asked after my parents, I asked after his (and the dog ). He said he'd been receiving his mail ok, and thanked me for sending it on.

 

I mentioned about my job hunt, also said I'd been working out (I found the dumb-bells at last!). All in all, quite a nice conversation; it was nice to speak to him again after so long without any contact. The conversation was left sort of open ended ie I didn't ask when I'd hear from him again, or what was happening next, so will just continue the way I have been going and see what happens next. I still miss him like mad...

 

On the subject of jobs... I have an interview tomorrow (for the job I mentioned in last post, the one with the big money ), so fingers crossed it will come up trumps. It's all helping me feel the self-worth that I have been lacking of late, so hopefully it will be a big confidence boost for me. Even if I don't get it, I have more in the pipeline, so will not get too disheartened.

 

I hope everyone is bearing up with their current situations; remember we are all worth it, and we can get through this together!

 

Well... must go and prepare for interview... I hope I've got what it takes .

[Lobster]

Things seem to have really hotted up this week...

 

He contacted me online again, the night after his last contact. He was sending me links and jokes, asking again what I'd been up to. Then the day of the interview he texted "good luck". The day after that, he texted asking if there was any news, so I updated him. He texted back "Cool! Ok if I call round tonight around 6?" . I was working overtime that night, so replied "Won't be in until after 7.30, working late", he then said "No matter"... so I said "Some other time, maybe".

 

Then yesterday, he texted "Ok if I call round for bike later?" (his motorbike's still in the garage, no room for it at his folks' house). I texted "I will be in after 2pm". He called over around 2.30pm for the bike, but the battery was flat, so he couldn't really do anything (except charge the battery that is ). He stayed till around 7.30pm... we talked (not about us though, last thing I wanted to talk about), we ate, we watched tv for a while... and I was ok the whole time he was there. Yesterday was the first time I have seen him since April 20th! He called again today for the bike, went off for his guitar lesson, and stayed for about an hour when he came back.

 

Does anyone think he may start to think he could be with me again, seeing as how I'm not clingy and weepy anymore? Am I sending out the right vibes to him, or will he think I'm over him completely and don't ever think about trying again with him? Should I ask him if he wants to go out sometime? Good as it was to see him, I am confused about all this... any ideas?

[Lobster]

Anyone?

[Lobster]

Hi everyone

 

He signed into msn again tonight; I was on 'away'. He didn't contact me. He went 'offline' after about 15 minutes. He signed back in about 10 minutes later. I waited for 10 minutes or so (discussing with my friend what I should do ), then changed to 'online'. Kept chatting to my friend while I waited to see if anything happened...

 

After a few minutes, he contacted me... started chatting about what he/I had been doing today. About trivial things... funny links and stuff again (like last week). Chatted for about half an hour, about nothing of any consequence really. Asked about his parents/brother/sister/dog, the normal friendly stuff anyone might do.

 

Would I be right in thinking that now he's seen me at the weekend (see prev post/s), and that I am probably going to be offered a new job, been working out, lost weight, and look and feel better and am cheerful and funny again... he is starting to maybe see things in me he thought had gone? Or am I reading too much into things?

 

I always had ambition for my professional life/career when we met. I was slim, attractive, funny, happy, and good to be around. I sort of lost most of those things (for whatever reason) along the way in the 9 years we've been together, before he left in February... and now I'm getting it all back, he seems to be taking notice. And I haven't contacted him... he's always come to me.

 

Right now, I feel good about myself. I never thought it would be this soon, if at all, so I am mildly worried about this, even though I should probably be pleased. I don't have any friends I can go out with to a bar/club or whatever, but it was never my kind of thing anyway, so I don't think I'd feel comfortable doing that. I have kept busy working out at home (lack of funds), decorating, getting new job in the bag, eating healthily... spending time on me.

 

I know I still love him (I felt it again the moment I set eyes on him on Saturday), but I don't feel like I need him, or for him/his presense to 'validate me' in any way. I still find him attractive, funny, witty, and intelligent... am I moving on or not? I don't know what to think now.

 

I would love another shot at our marriage, but I know even considering talking about that is still a long way off, never mind trying it; so I feel a little stuck right now.

 

Do I continue the way things are going, ie still focus on me and my self recovery/discovery, whilst maintaining no/little contact (from this side, anyway)? Do I try and take a step further... I'm not sure.

 

Any advice/input would be greatly welcomed... I have always trusted and repsected the replies I have received here... and by God I really need some of that right now...

 

Please let me know your views/thoughts on what to do/not to do...

[Lobster]

He has now contacted me online for the last 3 nights... last night he was there for almost 2 hours... not a constant conversation, but he kept chipping in with little questions, sending links and jokes again. I remained friendly, but neutral in my responses (also didn't respond immediately at every comment - I was busy and made sure he knew that). I have not mentioned 'us' at all, not even in a roundabout way. Should I just let things go on the way they are? Please could anyone share their thoughts on this... I feel a little lost as I haven't had much feedback of late...

 

Apart from that, I feel good in myself. I don't think about him alot, and when I do find myself doing that I just busy myself with something else. I am still in line for more interviews for better jobs (in fact hope to have one in the bag very soon so that's all helped me feel alot more confident. I am still working out, going to my friends (when I find the time ), and... living.

 

I still miss him, though I wouldn't ever let him see that or God forbid, tell him.

 

Does it sound like things are going ok? I feel like they are...

[Lobster]

Does anyone have any advice? I haven't had any feedback for 16 days now, and I was getting so much help from everyone... please?

[Stingseed]

the best thing you an be doing is working on yourself. He will notice perhaps he is being stubborn in a way. Looks to me like he will soon make a move as to locking up again

[Lobster]

Thanks for the reply Stingseed... I was getting a little worried that I may have been lost in amongst all the other lonely hearts here . Will just keep doing what I'm doing then, and see what happens.

 

I can't say I never think about us trying again, but I'm not going to make it my 'goal'. He hurt me so badly, he would have to show me through his actions if he wanted another shot at things... and right now I'm in no hurry after getting myself this far. I would be disappointed in myself if I allowed any rejection by him to undo all the good things I've accomplished since all this happened, so I shall not be seeking anything from him; it is up to him to decide what is going to happen with 'us'. I won't put myself in any situation that could lead to a fall, because I know it would be worse the second time around.

 

Meanwhile, I will keep on keeping on; I have to.

 

Thanks again for your input, much appreciated .

[Lobster]

So, on msn the other night I told him there was mail and that I'd send it on as usual (he contacts me almost every night now...). He said, it's ok I can call round for it... so last night he did. I was chatty and friendly, showed him all the gardening I've been doing, we had a cuppa, the usual things friends might do. He stayed for about an hour. I noticed he was looking at me alot...

 

When he left, he pecked me on the lips. I was not expecting it so didn't really have time to think about how to react. Then he did it again, for a second or two longer. The third time he leaned towards me, I laughed (tried to sound lighthearted though, not sarcastic or whatever), and offered my cheek instead.

 

I don't want to lose/undo all the self confidence and strength I have gained since the breakup, so why do I think I gave off the wrong signals last night? It was lovely to feel his lips on mine, even though it was brief... my friends at work think he may be trying to hint that he would like to try again but is scared to say out loud? Any thoughts on this anyone? And did I react in the wrong/right way? Aargh! I am so confused .

[Mun]

Girl I just now read your first post, most posts are so long with so many replies I just read where it leaves off.

The most important thing you are doing is keeping yourself busy. You are working on yourself and this has given you new confidence. I trust that you will no longer allow anyone to mistreat you. It looks like your husband is intersted in you again. Proceed with caution. Should he suggest a night out on the town, go for it. Try to take things slowly as if this was a new relationship. Let him win you over !

Above all take care of yourself, remember that he had the power to hurt you before and he can do it again. Be firm and be confident.

Love

[DragonGirl724]

hey girl i initiated NC for 2 months jus so i can make my days a lil easier knowin i can live w/o him i went out had fun w/ friends. NC is for self healing & yea it might make ur ex miss u too. but its for you to feel better first! but now im a stronger person & i emailed him today sayin hi bein upbeat & light. but during NC he would IM me now & then, i would keep convos brief and id cut them off. online is evil sumtimes. u cant tell how theyre saying sumthings & it says there away & theyre prolly sittin right there & they contact then they dont then they log off. yea my ex is playin this game too. u have to do NC for yourself!! plus give him time to think crap over. all things in time time will reveal. i wish u all the best we all feel your pain. take care & keep on keepin on.

 

-DG724

[Mun]

Dragongirl, you scare me ... Joking...you know I wish you the best too

[Lobster]

Thanks for the replies

 

The funny thing that strikes me about this development is the timing of it... which may work in my favour.

 

I have some friends visiting this weekend for a few days (it was all planned when I was feeling alot lower, and they wanted to come and cheer me up), so if he is planning on asking me out or something, I will have to politely decline and tell him I have other plans... maybe that would reinforce with him that I am ok now and he would have to work on getting another chance with me?

 

He didn't contact me last night - one of my friends I also chat to online said he may be panicking; thinking he's moved too fast and is giving me space, haha! Talk about the tables turning...

 

I feel in a good position right now. He has seen me face to face a few times now and has seen that I am happy, confident, and getting on with my life. If he does ask me out I will go out with him; but if there are any 'moves' to be made, he will be the one to make them. I will not put myself up for a fall again - I have come too far. I still love him, but now it's up to him to prove he is worth my love for him, and it will take time for that to happen.

[Mun]

Girl you are doing all the right things!

Keeping busy and being a little unavailable ( especially at the last minute) will work in your favor. He will value you and your time more if he sees that you value it too. The more he sees you are getting on with your life without him the more he will evaluate losing you and what that means to him. Be strong and be firm. Kudos to you!

 

Love