Please help... I don't know what to do now...

[DragonGirl724]

got ur PM lobster.

 

take care hun,

-DG724

[Mun]

Lobster, don't think too much about this. Let it happen. I don't know If I'm wrong here but I think that if your ex asks you to "try for another go" you should discuss it and if you are willing just say "well let's see what happens" if he should say " ok fine then goodbye" I think you should let him go ( chances are he wont go too far) because then he is still trying to manipulate you and be in control....yes?

 

Always be pleasant and nice like Shocked said...everyones emotions are tender right now. You also want to be be the best YOU, you can be right now... remind him what he is missing by being your sweet self. Dress pretty, be feminine and girl if you get this man back...go out with him don't stay in all the time! Part of being a couple is spending time out together too... a healthy balance of this and time apart is good for both.

 

John F Kennedy said " We should never negotiate out of fear" so don't. Do not be afraid to lose him. Always keep your dignity

[Lobster]

I did want to go out with him some (not all) of the times he went out, but he made me feel like he didn't want me there, usually by saying "I'm going out with XXXX on Friday to see a band, okay?" so I suppose I resigned myself to the fact that it was 'his time', and I would just stay home. That's where the problem regarding that started I suppose - maybe I should have replied at those times with something like "no, it's not okay. I'd like to spend time with you too. I'd like us to go out together"... ah well, can't turn the clock back can I?

 

You are right about me not thinking too much about this, and lettings things just happen. My brain hurts with all the thinking I've been doing lately! As it happens, he hasn't been in touch since Tuesday, and I'm not really that bothered either; it gives my brain a rest when he's not in touch! I am going to my friends' tonight and staying over, so if he tries to get in touch about the bike ( )... tough!

 

Right, where was I? Oh, yes... getting on with my life !

[shockeddismayed]

maybe I should have replied at those times with something like "no, it's not okay. I'd like to spend time with you too. I'd like us to go out together"...

 

Hmmm... my male (don't nag me) ego kicks in here and says a more effective response would be. "Yeah, it's no problem if you want to go to the concert on Friday, but what about having an us night on Saturday? We could go and see/do..... "

 

Just my $0.02

[Mun]

Shocked is right but I'd also like to add, and NO I'm not scolding you Lob just helping ( I hope) I want to add that NOW you are doing what you could have done back then ( and might get a chance to do in the future) When he says "I'm going out with xxx "you can say Great! I'm going out with xxx so if I get in after you please don't wait up" and You go out and have a drink with YOUR buddies.

 

Pretty soon He will be the one saying "why don't we go out-- just US" So now you know for next time ((HUGGS))

 

Cuz now YOU are having a grand'ole time with your friends ... right? and He is pretty much freaking out at how you've changed, I imagine he even likes it (deep down) because you have laid off the pressure from him to HAVE to be there with you always. You have found yourself and your indepence. (and hasn't HE been the one coming over? not the other way around? pat yourself on the back) HURRAY FOR YOU!

 

When we stop our lives for someone or depend on them and their company 24-7 it is so exhausting and so much pressure for them. Imagine someone telling you " I wont breathe until you're here with me" how would you feel? That's too much for one person and that's sort of what we do when we wait on someone. Getting on with OUR lives and having our own space is good for both.

[Lobster]

Hmmm... my male (don't nag me) ego kicks in here and says a more effective response would be. "Yeah, it's no problem if you want to go to the concert on Friday, but what about having an us night on Saturday? We could go and see/do..... "

 

Just my $0.02

 

Thanks for the insight, shocked I will remember this incase of future use, with ex (or whomever). I can see why what I may have said (but thankfully didn't) might have rubbed him up the wrong way.

 

 

 

 

Cuz now YOU are having a grand'ole time with your friends ... right? and He is pretty much freaking out at how you've changed, I imagine he even likes it (deep down) because you have laid off the pressure from him to HAVE to be there with you always. You have found yourself and your indepence. (and hasn't HE been the one coming over? not the other way around? pat yourself on the back) HURRAY FOR YOU!

 

Again, muneca, great insight. Yes, HE has been the one coming over... I have only been over to see him that one time I dropped his post off at his parents.

 

He still hasn't been in touch since Tuesday, but I am fine with that. I only got back from my friends' early evening, no messages on answerfone/texts etc about 'the bike', so all is well and good Well, at least I think it is...

[Lobster]

Hi everyone hope you're all doing well.

 

Well, this week has seen alot of visits, and msn chats again. He's been calling over about the bike (he went to a bike rally this morning), and been staying for a while each time he's been over.

 

There has been kissing and cuddling, all very nice and relaxed, all very comfortable... but I am getting frustrated . I can't force the issue, but does anyone think he'll ever ask me out, or is this going to be it for the foreseeable future? Do I just go with the flow? Do I ask him out?

 

I am not giving any hints or signs of my frustration; maybe he thinks I'm ok with this? It's just that it's getting a bit samey, and I feel in a stalemate situation.

 

Any advice or ideas?

[Lobster]

Okay... so in the two hours since my last post I have started feeling really sad and low again...

 

This bike rally that he's gone off to... we went there together every year since we met... all the usual gang will be there... except me. I know I'm not doing myself any favours, but I can't help thinking about all the good times we had there, dancing, drinking, sitting round the campfire till 6 in the morning, snuggling up in our zipped-together sleeping bags in the tent. I can't help thinking what he will be doing right now. I remember last year's rally like it was only yesterday. And this year, I'm not there.

 

I was secretly hoping he may have asked me to go, but, no.

 

I keep thinking that if any of the gang ask where I am, he will say that we 'split up', not that he 'left' me, ie, making out it was a mutual thing.

 

Why am I beating myself up like this? Why is it hurting so much when I thought I was starting to feel better about things? It has been four months now since he left, and I'm so tired of my emotions sneaking up on me. They suck. Big style .

[Mun]

Hi there, more than likely he will be thinking of you just as you will be thinking of him.

I think the date thing was addressed awhile back maybe you can re-read the posts. The thing is that if you don't want him to get so comfortable with staying in it's up to you to not put up with it. Maybe he invites himself over? Or asks if you have plans that night? The key is to be busy or out. Not invite him over if you think it will drag on like this. Be strong and be firm but be nice

Remember you are "dating" again not living together. Behave as such.

 

Good luck

[Lobster]

Hi everyone, hope you're all ok .

 

Still the same old same old. We are still living apart, still seeing each other a few times a week, still no further forward... and I still don't know what to do.

He has mentioned he's still not sure what he wants, but that doesn't help me much (apart from knowing he's still undecided).

 

I am starting to go crazy waiting for something to happen... .

 

Next month will be our third wedding anniversary... and we've been separated 5 months now. How much longer am I supposed to go on like this?

[Mun]

Hi there, glad to see you on again, wish you weren't though, know what i mean?

 

Have you tried not seeing him for awhile?

 

Sometimes the big kick in the seat for a man is the fear that he could lose you. Give it a shot, it just might boost things up.

 

Good luck

[Lobster]

Hi muneca, glad you saw my post; I know what you mean about wishing I wasn't around .

 

He's due to call over later today to drop his bike off (he's been to another rally this weekend). After that, I think I will try what you have suggested. I am not doing myself any favours feeling like this, and I'm not helping myself by letting things just go on the way they are.

 

Maybe I should try NC (or very minimal at least) again for a time; see what happens.

 

Will keep you updated.

 

Thanks again

[Lobster]

I'm still hurting... saw him last night after another bout of NC of around 4 or 6 weeks. He called round about the bike as usual .

 

I got very upset (after he left; not in front of him, thank God). I cried - alot. I am so drained and am still in limbo. I cannot seem to stop feeling like this. I can't go anywhere/get any hobbies/join a gym as I don't have any money (I was left here in the marital home with all the bills etc apart from the mortgage which he still pays his half towards - probably so he can claim his half of the house when the time comes); I don't have any friends to do anything with even if I could afford to (you'd think mutual friends of 9 years may stay friends, huh?).

 

I am trying to get a new job (mainly for the money side, but also sort of a fresh start/new people/distraction etc). My parents have gone abroad travelling and won't be back till around the middle of October, so I don't even have them around to chat to.

 

I am scared to mention anything to him about divorce because it's not what I want. But I can't help feeling that it's coming... I just don't seem to be able to find any reason for my being around anymore .

 

I am so sick and tired of everything. He's been gone since 16th February. I still don't know what to do. I have done NC; we tried (half heartedly on his part) to date; done NC again...

 

I still feel so deperately alone, confused, and utterly useless

[Mun]

Hey Girl !

I had wondered what became of you. I'm glad you posted, you know we are here for you always.

 

Have you thought about other inexpensive ways to meet people? I hope the job comes through, it would create so many new experiences- not to mention a social life. We all need that.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are still in the same situation. Has anything changed at all? It's interesting that he is still coming around but hasn't gotten back with you yet-- officially. What do you think is holding him back?

 

You're not alone, remember that.

[Lobster]

Hi Muneca, glad you saw me again, thanks for replying .

 

Really not sure what's holding him back - maybe he's scared of the finality of the 'D' word; maybe he doesn't really want that himself; maybe he's still enjoying being 'single' (if you know what I mean)... it could be any of a number of reasons. I wish I could make some sense of it all. Nothing seems to have changed and it's so disheartening at times... I still have good days and bad days - today hasn't been great after seeing him last night, but at least he didn't see me upset . We don't even chat online anymore since I blocked him about 6 weeks ago (for my own sanity and wellbeing more than anything).

 

Like I say, I am too scared to come straight out with it, "what's going on? Do you want a divorce? Are you coming back?" - talk about making him run a mile... again. I know I am tired of waiting but seeing as I still love him, I don't really see what option I have but to do just that, frustrating as it is!

 

I am going along to a local college tomorrow night as they are enroling for a few free courses (ideal for me, with my money situation!), so will see what that brings. The courses are only 10 weeks long (one night a week) but hopefully I will make a few new friends as well as learning something new in the process .

 

I'm so glad this place is here, and that people understand without judging. I don't know where I'd be without it and the people on here - thanks for being there .

 

Will let you know how things go.

[shockeddismayed]

Hey Lobster,

 

I am sorry that you are feeling down these days. I certainly sympathize (my EX and I broke up around the same time as you... and it has been an emotional roller-coaster to say the least).

 

Mine is due back from vacation next week, and has sent me an email, prewarning me that she will be calling... to PLEASE pick up the phone. Sure it sounds optimistic, but knowing "dumpers" like I do, my guess is I will be signing up for more confusion and more uncertainty if I pick up that call. Uggghhhh.

 

As for your EX, I don't know what to tell you. It sounds like your idea of college courses is an excellent idea for you... the new job may help too.

 

One thing that REALLY helped for me, was to get my OWN new place to live... I'd been subletting with friends for the past 5 months, so a new apartment has been just the thing to give me some optimism about what my life will be like without her.

 

You mentioned that you want to catalyze some sort of action.... you've mentioned the D word.... but you've also mentioned that YOU are having trouble making the bill payments in the marital house... YOU are having trouble when he comes round for his bike, etc. Perhaps a drastic, but less drastic than suggesting divorce, idea would be to suggest selling the house. You could use your half of the money to pad your bank account, while you either find a new condo or townhouse... or even apartment... something you can afford, and that will be YOURS.

 

I'm sure it can't help to be in the marital house.... it must be nearly impossible to get him out of your mind when everything there was once "ours".

 

Anyway.... if you were interested in doing this, it will show him that eventually there is some finality to his actions, whether he chooses to accept it or not. You also don't send the message that you don't care for him or love him (all unsaid of course), but you do send the message that for financial and sanity reasons, you need for your life to go on. He won't be able to use your house and you as his safety blanket... to cling to when he is feeling down about his new (lonely without you) life.

 

If you are going to see any action out of this guy, perhaps a little action of your own... a little self determinism.... is what you need... one way or another.

 

Food for thought.

[Lobster]

Hey Shocked (sorry this is a bit of a ramble)

 

I hope that when (if?) you pick up that call from your ex, that it's good news; something to feel happy about... I know exactly what you mean about the confusion and uncertainty that it may lead to - and being caught between a rock and a hard place .

 

I have thought a few times about selling up, but I like it so much here (apart from the obvious downsides) - when I was still with my parents and brother, we moved house almost 30 times in 25 years , so this is the first time in my life I have felt really settled in a house (8 years here); my neighbours are friendly, I feel safe here... I have tried redecorating (well, the bedroom so far!) - maybe I will wait until I have methodically gone through the house room by room, and see how I feel about it then. Maybe it will feel more like 'my' house.

 

As for halving the proceeds if I were to sell... there were money issues when we were together that were never resolved, and I really don't feel like he should be entitled to 'half' as such - he has always earned twice as much as me and while I struggled trying to keep things on an even keel at home, going without things myself (like new clothes, little treats like magazines etc) just so we had food and the bills got paid on time, he always said he had no money for us to go out (even once a month for a drink/meal was too much) but would always manage to spend lots on computer games, guitars (when he left he had 3!), music CDs and DVDs, expensive clothes, hobbies like martial arts etc... actually why would I even want to go back to that? Am I mad? Love sure does funny things to people's common sense, eh? The money issue would be one of the things to work on if... well, if.

 

Next time (if there is one) he wants to call over about the bike, I am going to make sure I am not around, even though I so miss seeing his face and talking to him. It hurts too much. I cannot let him keep hurting me like that. The few people at work who I talk to about stuff have said maybe because he never sees me hurting, he thinks I am ok - when we know I am not. They think I should tell him that if he wants to call over, to give me more notice so that I can go out and leave him to it; they also think I should tell him why. I don't know if I should do that - it's so hard trying to decide the best course of action most of the time. Do you think if he knew I was hurting every time he called by it would spur him on in any way? Maybe that would be the completely wrong way to do things? Am I not supposed to be letting him think I am ok?

 

On a happier note, the college is enrolling tonight and I am looking forward to that I am going to sign up for three courses (if they have the spaces left, that is - keep your fingers crossed for me). I have decided on... PC maintenance and repair (as he was always the handy one with that and I don't want to have to call him about any PC problems - I want to learn to fix them myself!), aromatherapy (may come in handy when I am feeling stressed ), and... guitar playing! Well, if you can't beat them, join them, eh?

 

Sorry I've rambled on so much... I feel like I needed to get alot out seeing as I haven't posted for a while up until last night .

[Mun]

Lobster,

I think school is an excellent idea. I hope you get your classes, especially the PC maintenance. I took that course as part of my degree, loved it. Now I can take apart a computer and put it back together again--you will too. I was going to say there are usually lots of men in those classes--ok I said it

 

I think right now you should live for yourself and not do things with him in mind. Live your own life. Apparently he is not coming back yet, but he is also not going away. Something has to happen. Maybe he feels secure that you will always be there. Show him that you won't. It's awful to be living in limbo. Don't do it anymore. Decide for yourself what is best for you. What you want, what you don't want.

 

Maybe you should also have him take the bike with him or keep it somewhere else. He is using it as an excuse to come over--and keep being in your life without actually coming back home. If you show him you mean what you say he will either tell you it's over or come back.

 

I know that you are still hoping for him. When you are ready to have some kind of resolution, you will know what you have to do. In the meantime I am afraid things will stay as they are.

 

You have some choices to make if you want to end this uncertainty, but only you can make them.

[Lobster]

Hi Muneca,

 

I did it! I got signed up for all three courses, they start a week on Monday, which means I will be out Monday (aromatherapy), Tuesday (men, I mean, PC ) and Wednesday (guitar) evenings. Then, after I had been to enrol, I also went to the local leisure club and got their details/timetables etc - I have sorted out swimming and sauna/steam room times for Thursdays, Saturdays... maybe even Sundays too if I have the energy left! Thankfully it's not nearly as pricey as gym membership would be - that will come when I get my fantastic new job - and because all the college courses are free, things will kind of balance themselves out money wise. Just need to work out what to do Friday nights now... rest, maybe?

 

I think my feeling the way I have been, has been because I just couldn't seem to get motivated at all... it has taken such a long time, but I am finally doing something about it. I'm finally picking myself up and dusting myself off.

 

I would love him to keep the bike somewhere else but here (his parents have no garage or even enough space outside their house - it's a big bike ), but it's always the same thing - 'I still pay my half towards the mortgage; I'm entitled to use the garage' and I don't feel like I can say otherwise, so... I am doing the next best thing I can and removing myself from the equation by NOT BEING HERE .

 

In the meantime, I will just let him stew. Make myself scarce and unavailable to him, and start living again (like I should have been for the last seven months), out there in the thing I see through the window night after night... the real world. My biggest mistake has been doing only No Contact and nothing else alongside it; I have not grown or 'worked on' myself. Well, that ends (or should I say begins!) here.

 

I knew coming here again last night would give me a pick-me-up when I needed it most... I was already planning to do the college thing, but for emotional and practical support, and advice, you guys and this forum are an absolute Godsend, and I am so thankful I found you *hugs all round* .

 

Will keep you updated as usual.

[Mun]

I am very happy for you .

 

As Shocked said, "for sanity reasons, you need for your life to go on."

 

If the new routine gets to be too much for you, you can always cut back on something.

 

...and I agree with you about the bike issue .

[shockeddismayed]

Awesome Lobster... Just awesome!!!!

 

You and I are at the same place. I was sick of limbo too... I'd made some small steps to move on, but I kept being "ready" to go back.

 

This needed to stop. Now I'm not ready to go back... it would disrupt what is going on with ME... I'm not saying I won't go back, but I needed to put some distance there so that it made it more difficult.

 

The barriers can be a busy schedule, dating others, or even stupid little symbolic things that help maintain a bit of healthy distance.

 

For me, some of the things that helped the most, were totally dumb little things. For example, EX and I had bought a new TV together as a mutual Xmas gift last year. She kept it after the breakup, and I was without a decent TV, but kept postponing the purchase b/c I didn't want to be stuck with two brand-new TV's if things worked out.... Last week I bought my TV. I needed to stop living as if we might get back together, and start living as though we might not.

 

This doesn't need to change your HOPE, but it needs to happen so that you can focus on the present tense.

 

Ironically... just as I start doing these things, she starts sniffing around again. This is where the healthy distance comes into play.... it will be a lot harder for me to get "roped back in" to a singular focus on her... it will be 2nd fiddle to my focus on me until I see evidence that SHE is putting me/us first.

 

Keep it up Lobster.... you are doing well!

[Lobster]

Thanks, Shocked

 

I finally feel ready to do these things... in much the same way as you descibed your own situation, I also stayed in limbo - stayed ready to 'go back'. Now, though, I am ready to go forward.

 

Good for you buying for your new TV (I hope you got an even better model than your 'old, new one'! ).

 

"it will be 2nd fiddle to my focus on me until I see evidence that SHE is putting me/us first" - never more true words spoken! The way I have seen myself since he left has been the 'me' that was half of 'us', not the 'me' I am now; the 'me' I need to work on being; the 'me' he's been a fool to let go of...

 

I suppose it's only natural that us dumpees get to this stage eventually, although after differing lengths of time, with a hell of alot up ups and downs along the way... I have now reached that point, and it looks like you have too! How great are we?!

 

You keep it up too, Shocked! We're in this for the long haul, whatever the outcomes may be!

[Lobster]

So the courses at college were meant to be starting tonight... I had a phone message from them last week letting me know ALL 3 courses had been cancelled due to 'lack of interest'. Great, just great . There was I after 7 months in the wilderness, finally getting spurred on to do 'something' with my time, looking forward to meeting all these new people, widening my circle of friends, learning some stuff and having some fun... and that happens.

 

I refuse to let it get me down though; I've decided that I will just go to the leisure centre more seeing as I have no classes to go to! Even though I won't meet as many people there as I would have at college (it's a very small club), it'll still be getting me out of here, and getting me fit and toned up, which is something I've been wanting to do for a while - before he left, even. I am going tomorrow night for a 'late swim', and getting a membership while I'm there to make myself stick at it!

 

Apart from that, still feeling pretty positive. Still NC (better for me that way right now I think - still not strong enough to see him without getting upset). Still job-hunting (had an interview last week - no luck - but "their loss" is what I tell myself! ). Applied for 8 more last week too; something will turn up if I just keep plugging away, I'm sure.

 

Hope everyone's doing well; love to all

[Mun]

Awww Lobster,

That certainly puts a damper on things doesn't it. At least you have other alternatives to keep you busy--not to mention looking good

 

Whatever you need to keep yourself in a good mental and emotional state.

Glad to see you are keeping a positive outlook in all this. Be strong and be good to yourself.

[Lobster]

Hi guys, there's been a bit of a development... hope you can help/advise...

 

So, last night when I got home from my swim (which I really enjoyed too ), I logged onto the PC. Now, from time to time I still have a look at the forum where he posts, and last night under his messages, his (new) quote read "I hate myself more than I love you". Odd. Don't know if it was meant for me to see, and if so, what I was meant to think.

 

Anyway, I got it into my head (seeing as he's had the same old quote for a while) that it was meant for me. So, on my forum (which I wasn't sure he even looked at anymore), I changed mine to "Those who hate themselves will never be truly capable of loving another". Ooh, profound .

 

About half an hour later, I looked at his forum again to see if anything had changed... he had changed his quote again, to "Who said we wanted to?" . That's when I knew he was definitely still keeping up to date on my forum/posts. And, if his original quote hadn't been meant for me, how come he checked to see if I responded, then changed his quote again, too?

 

So, I changed mine again, to say "No one ever said anyone wanted to do anything. A statement is a statement; nothing more, nothing less". Later on, he had no quote at all... and still hasn't.

 

Anyway, today he texted me. He said "Need to come and talk is tonight ok?". I had stuff to do and was working late anyway, so rather than text him back I rang him and said I was busy, tomorrow would be better. I asked if it wasn't something that could be discussed over the phone (knowing quite well it obviously wasn't - he's never said anything before about needing to 'talk'), and he just said "no".

 

I am now petrified it is all going to be ending. That the 'talk' is about solicitors. Divorce. Any number of not-good things.

 

I keep thinking, what did he mean in his quotes? Why did he say he hates himself? What did he mean when he said "Who said we wanted to?" ? Did he mean he doesn't want to love anyone else but me, or did he mean he doesn't want to love anyone at all? Argh!!

 

Sorry this is so long winded, but those of you who know my story will realise this is a big thing to me. Really big.

 

And I'm scared .